Concentration
is also vital to the mastery of an art. Concentration is almost a lost ability in today’s world of distractions, noises, and multitasking. Lack of concentration also keeps us from focusing on lifting up others and allows us to slip back into our own hazy miasma of self-gratification.
Next, the mastery of an art requires
patience
. Anyone who has ever tried to master an art knows patience is necessary if they want to achieve anything. And the art of marriage takes patience. Unfortunately, our whole world today is focused on the opposite of patience: quickness. Machines get us from one place to another faster and faster. I want my fast food seconds after I order it. I don’t particularly want to wait until my wife is sufficiently turned on before I have my sexual needs gratified, and I definitely don’t want to wait until I’ve worked at something twenty years before I receive the benefits of my labor.
Finally, a high level of
concern
is a necessary condition to master any art form. If something is not very important to us, we will never spend the time and energy required to become adept at it.
6
Of course, we must understand that we do not learn an art directly or immediately. We must learn many seemingly disconnected (and even unrelated) skills before we can begin to learn the art itself. For instance, an apprentice carpenter must learn (over a period of years) to choose the wood, measure it, and cut it properly before he is ever allowed to start creating a beautiful staircase or bookcase. An apprentice violinist plays scales, learns to read music, learns music theory, and practices untold hours before ever playing a recital. Medical students spend years in school and under the tutelage of older, more experienced doctors before being allowed to practice medicine.
With regard to the art of loving, we must begin by practicing discipline, concentration, and patience throughout every phase and aspect of our lives.
7
And without concern, we never care enough to go to the trouble of mastering all of these traits. If we want to be adept at the “art of love,” we must first become proficient at a variety of other skills such as forgiveness, self-sacrifice, passion, and an altruistic regard for the fulfillment of our partner’s needs and desires.
Fromm also proposes that there are certain elements common to all forms of love, including care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge. Without active
care
and concern, there can be no love. Understand that this means physically doing the acts necessary to convey a loving, caring attitude.
Responsibility
often denotes a form of duty today, but in truth it is a voluntary act. To be responsible is to be able and ready to respond, specifically to the needs of those you love. Responsibility might easily deteriorate into domination and possessiveness were it not for the third component of love,
respect
. Respect means that you value your spouse as worthy of your love. Finally, to respect someone requires that you know them. Care and responsibility would be blind if not guided by
knowledge
, and knowledge would be empty without concern or care.
8
Did Adam love Eve? Perhaps, but maybe he really didn’t understand the meaning of the word, or he wouldn’t have tried to blame Eve in the Garden of Eden when God confronted them about eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. True love would have prompted Adam to have taken the blame for Eve’s actions—to have stood in front of her and protected her. True love sacrifices itself for another. True love stays despite difficulties or hardships. True love works to meet the needs (modes and moods) of the other with no expectations in return. True love is sacrificial, but not with a sense of martyrdom. It is a
wanting
to give, not an obligatory or compulsive sense of “should” or “must.” It cannot be a narcissistic love but one that is freely and generously given without restrictions or conditions.
Two-thirds of the divorces in this country are filed by women. The biggest reason given is that they are not emotionally fulfilled. I’m not criticizing women, and I know men are more than responsible for their fair share of divorces, but that particular reason strikes me as more of a selfish love than a giving one. Frankly, if my wife had had that attitude over the years, she would have had grounds for divorce many times. Her commitment and perseverance allowed our relationship (and me) to grow and mature until I was better able to meet her needs.
Perhaps it is unrealistic to expect this kind of selflessness in a culture that demands total fulfillment and self-satisfaction out of every relationship, or quickly abandons a relationship for one more attractive. Of course, the same problems follow and nag the subsequent relationship as well, because it is not about having your needs met but about meeting the needs of your spouse. Love is about giving, not receiving.
Having a successful marriage is not about finding the perfect person to marry, although that is what many people believe. It is about loving someone in a forgiving, Christlike manner. The Bible illustrates this agape-type love in many stories, ranging from Hosea, who continued to love and take back his adulterous wife, to Joseph, who forgave his brothers for selling him into slavery. In my experience, love requires nearly constant forgiveness.
Love also requires us to have a great deal of faith. We must have faith in our spouse in order to truly love them. We must have faith in the reliability and unchangeability of their fundamental attitudes and character, of the core of their personality, and of their love toward us.
9
Without that faith, we will fail to have a foundation on which to build trust and love. As Fromm so eloquently puts it, “To love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.”
10
It’s not that marriage cannot be happy and joyous. A good marriage has more joy and satisfaction than any other relationship in life. But long-term relationships require dedicated work, perseverance, commitment, forgiveness, and patience. As James 1:12 says, we must endure the trials and challenges so that we can experience the true joy and love that God has promised.
When we talk about a “labor of love,” we are talking about the fact that being in love—loving someone (including ourselves)—takes effort and work. Fromm says, “Love and labor are inseparable. One loves that for which one labors, and one labors for that which one loves.”
11
Love is essentially an act of the will, a decision to commit your life to that of another person.
12
The joy in a relationship comes precisely because of the struggles a couple has overcome. The degree to which we persevere through adversity is the degree of satisfaction we will receive in return.
Love also requires courage. To be loved, and to love, requires the courage to judge certain values as of ultimate concern—and to take the jump and stake everything on those values.
13
Most of all, true love requires sacrifice.
As we look for love that fills the desires of our hearts, let us always remember that we get what we give. If we desire sacrificial love, we must give sacrificial love. If we desire unconditional love, we must give unconditional love. If we desire forgiveness, we must extend forgiveness. If we crave passion, we must be passionate.
Love is a choice. If we choose to love, we will be loved in return. God chooses to love us despite our imperfections. This in turn should inspire us to extend the same grace to the person we have chosen to spend our lives with and to be the mother or father of our children. If that is not possible, perhaps we should have made a better choice to begin with.
Two last bits of advice for a happy marriage. First, laugh together every day. Laughter releases chemicals (natural narcotics) into your bloodstream, causing you to feel joy and pleasure and reducing stress. My marriage is always so much better when Suzanne and I laugh together. Laughter makes so many other things seem trivial. It also helps heal wounds and grievances.
Second, try new things together—frequently. Often the novelty of marriage and romance wears off as people get into the daily grind and routine of life. Trying new and exciting things together stimulates your relationship, causes you to grow together, and develops intimacy. My marriage has been rejuvenated in recent years by my wife’s and my taking trips together and entering into new relationships, situations, and circumstances in which we have never found ourselves before.
Today my wife and I both look forward to the next twenty-seven years of marriage even more than we did the first twenty-seven. Laugh together and try new adventures together, and you will too. Remember, love isn’t about you—it’s about the one you love.
May God’s blessings be on your marriage and on your lives.
Vaya con Dios.
Notes
Introduction
1
Harville Hendrix,
Getting the Love You Want
(New York: Henry Holt & Co., 1988), 41.
3
Dr. Les Parrott and Dr. Leslie Parrott,
Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts
(Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1995), 28.
4
Bill and Pam Farrel,
Men Are Like Waffles—Women Are Like Spaghetti
(Eugene, OR: Harvest House Publishers, 2001).
5
Helen Fisher,
The First Sex
(New York: Ballantine, 1999), 5-6.
6
Hendrix,
Getting the Love You Want
, 55.
Men’s Mode #1 Amorous
1
Peggy Vaughan,
Monogamy Myth
(New York: Newmarket Press, 2003), 7.
3
William Glasser, MD, and Carleen Glasser,
Getting Together and Staying Together
(New York: HarperCollins, 2000), 30.
4
Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoecker, and Mike Yorkey,
Every Man’s Battle
(Colorado Springs: WaterBrook Press, 2000), 63.
5
Don Robertson,
The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread
(New York: G. P. Putnam & Sons, 1965), 35.
6
Shaunti Feldhahn,
For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
(Sisters, OR: Multnomah Publishers, 2004), 92.
Men’s Mode #2 Work
1
Parrott and Parrott,
Saving Your Marriage
, 105.
Men’s Mode #5 Protector
3
Will Davis,
Pray Big for Your Marriage
(Grand Rapids: Revell, 2008), 31.
4
John Connolly,
The Unquiet
(New York: Pocket Star Books, 2007), 320-21.
5
Much of his section was excerpted from David McLaughlin’s teachings in his seminar “The Role of the Man.” David has been giving these workshops to men around the country for the past twenty-five years, and God has used him to change the lives of many men for the better. Used with permission.
Men’s Mode #6 Connection with God
1
Connolly,
The Unquiet
, 504.
Women’s Mood #3 Playful
1
Quoted in Lisa Johnson and Andrea Learned,
Don’t Think Pink
(New York: AMACOM, 2004), 10.
Women’s Mood #4 Nurturing
2
Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage
(New York: HarperCollins, 2007), 54.
3
Robert Lewis and William Hendricks,
Rocking the Roles
(Colorado Springs: Navpress, 1998), 57.
Women’s Mood #5 Cycle