Before (12 page)

Jack wanted me. Really wanted me. It made me braver than I’d ever been with any guy.

I stroked his back, relishing the hard muscles beneath my palms. My fingertips skimmed the skin between his T-shirt and jeans. It was smooth and wet and I wanted more.

And that’s when I made a fatal mistake.

I slid my fingers beneath his waistband. Eased my hips away so I could slide my hands around the front to touch him…

He wrenched his mouth off mine and pulled away so fast I stumbled.

“Fuck, that never should’ve happened.” He stared at me in wild-eyed horror, as if we’d done something wrong, and the last of my patience snapped.

“Bullshit. That’s the kiss that should’ve happened weeks ago if you had any balls.” I shoved him away, hard, my hands curling into fists, wanting to lash out and pummel him until he hurt as badly as I did. “I hope you relive it every fucking night for the rest of your life and think about what else you missed out on.”

I pushed past him and ran, blinded by the rain but grateful the downpour camouflaged the tears cascading down my cheeks.

JACK

I was numb.

Physically. Emotionally. I couldn’t feel a thing as I trudged inside. I mechanically peeled off my wet T-shirt, jeans and jocks, and toweled off.

Jess had gone.

And I’d ended things between us in the worst possible way.

I’d mulled long and hard during the hour-long return journey to Cooweer. I’d been a prick for weeks, alternating between flirting and pushing her away. Wasn’t her fault I’d grown a conscience at the ripe old age of twenty.

My recent choices to lead a better life had inadvertently affected her, so I’d wanted to do things right. I’d planned on writing everything down in a letter and giving it to her to read later. That way, if she wanted to keep in touch like I planned on doing with Reid, it would be her choice.

But I’d shot that to shit by finally giving in to my baser instincts and kissing her.

Fuck, it had been the best damn kiss of my life.

Sweet and sensual and so damn erotic I was still hard.

And the fallout would be catastrophic, because I’d never be able to get her out of my head now.

I wanted more. I wanted all of her.

So I settled for doing whatever I could to rectify the shitty situation I’d created.

I pulled on sweatpants, grabbed the pen and notepad I used to jot down recipes when I brainstormed, and sat on the couch.

School hadn’t been high on my list of priorities as a kid and shifting around between foster families ensured I didn’t stay in one place long enough to build a solid education. So the fact I wanted to make the effort to write to Jess showed just how much she meant to me.

I chewed the end of the pen and stared at the blank paper, willing my jumbled thoughts to coalesce into something that would make sense. But the harder I focused the more the words in my head scrambled, so I settled for being blunt and writing exactly how I felt.

Dear Jess,

I’m sorry I screwed up so bad. You were right. I’m shit scared by how you make me feel. Confused and terrified, yet happy. I’ve never been happier than this past month, when we’ve hung out together. You make me laugh. And you’ve got a smart mouth, one that I finally got to kiss today.

God, you have no idea how badly I’ve wanted to do that. And more. Because despite pushing you away, mostly for your own good, I’ve wanted to be your first lover. That night in the tent? I heard you and I wanted to be the one to finger your clit. To go down on you. To lick you until you screamed my name. I wanted to slide my hard cock inside you and fuck you all night long.

But I made a choice not long before you arrived that I wouldn’t be that guy anymore. The kind of guy who has casual sex and seeks short-term solutions without thought for the future.

Thanks to your brother, I now have a future. I’m going to do my apprenticeship. Get my own restaurant one day. Make him proud of me. And make me proud of me.

Because that’s the thing, Jess. I’ve always felt like a loser. I’ve been told it often enough growing up and after I while, guess I started to believe it. I’ve spent the last few years running. Running from my past. Running from my own insecurities.

But I finally took a stand recently and unfortunately, you’ve borne the brunt of it.

Me not sleeping with you has got nothing to do with how desirable you are as a woman or how naive. You’re a huge turn on, Jess. Huge. I want you so much you make me ache. This has all been about me, not you.

I don’t believe in making promises or dreaming the impossible dream. But know this.

I’ll never forget you, Jess.

Ever.

And who knows, one day you may stroll into a Sydney restaurant and want to give the chef your compliments with a kiss reminiscent of the one we shared today.

You’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever met.

Love always,

Jack xx

I reread the letter and almost screwed it into a ball. It was crap. But it was from my heart and I wanted Jess to know the truth. She didn’t deserve to be jerked around the way I’d done with her.

Feeling like a schmuck, I folded it carefully and slid it into my pocket. I’d give it to her just before she got in the car and tell her to wait until she had a private moment to read it. Last thing I wanted was Reid looking over her shoulder on the plane or worse, having to console her if she fell apart.

The letter crinkled in my pocket as I stood, a testament to the young woman who’d stolen my heart without trying.

JESS

I made it halfway to the homestead when the chills set in.

Not from being saturated, but from the realization that the last time I’d see Jack alone before I left was that confrontation where I’d acted like a lunatic.

The fact he’d kissed me, when he’d gone to great lengths over the last four weeks not to, meant he cared. And while I wasn’t stupid enough to believe in long distance relationships, the fact he’d become good friends with Reid meant the guys would stay in touch. So who knew what the future held?

But for us to have any chance, even maintaining a friendship, I had to go back.

I had to behave like a rational, mature woman, not a slighted almost-nineteen year old that threw a tantrum when she didn’t get what she wanted.

Because that’s how I’d pretty much behaved during my entire stay. Pushing him. Taunting him. Abusing him when he didn’t reciprocate the way I wanted. Then ignoring him.

And I sure as hell didn’t want his last memory of me to be a screaming banshee who shoved him away.

So I turned around and headed back.

The rain hadn’t eased. It poured down in diagonal sheets, soaking everything in its path. I dragged my feet through the mud, clueless as to what I’d say when I reached the shack. The spontaneity thing hadn’t worked so well for me with Jack up to this point.

As the shack came into sight, the rain eased and the sun poked out from behind a cloud, making the grungy corrugated iron almost gleam.

The place looked welcoming, despite its forlorn exterior. And even now, I’d give anything to stay.

That’s what I’d tell him.

The truth.

It was as easy as that. No use trying to make excuses for my behavior. I’d tell him exactly how I felt. I’d already behaved like an idiot. What did I have to lose?

I skipped up the steps, knocked twice, before turning the doorknob and flinging the door open.

Jack, in the process of scrolling through his iPod, gaped at me.

“I had to come back. I’m sorry for before. For behaving like a spoilt brat these last few weeks.” I pressed my hands to my chest. Yeah, like that would stop my heart from leaping out. “The truth is I’ve fallen in love with you. And I’d give up everything to stay with you if you asked me.”

I blurted it all out in a rush, the words tumbling over each other. I had to say it fast because if I didn’t, I’d second-guess the wisdom of handing him my heart on a platter with one hand and a knife in the other.

Jack stared at me, his eyes like steely lasers, boring into me, cutting deep.

He didn’t make a move toward me. He didn’t smile. He didn’t hold out his arms.

And I knew the devastating truth before he opened his mouth to speak.

“Jess, you’re a teenager. You’ll fall in love many times before you find the right guy.” He squared his shoulders and shook his head. “You have a crush and it’s naive to build it up into anything more than that.”

I began to shake as shock set in and rather than rush over to comfort me, Jack thrust his hands into his pockets. He faltered, his stoic expression crumpling a little as he half pulled out a folded piece of paper.

He stared at it for a few, interminable seconds before finally dragging his gaze away to look me in the eye.

“Bye, Jess. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

Then he strode past me, out the door, and out of my life.

JACK

To Mrs. Gee’s credit, she stayed clear of me as I moved through the kitchen like a madman. Pummeling dough. Hammering steaks. Kneading bread until every joint in my hands ached.

But it was nothing on the ache in my chest.

Jess loved me.

Loved me so much she’d give up her entire life to stay if I asked her.

When she’d told me, my heart had stopped. I hadn’t been able to breathe. I couldn’t comprehend someone could care for me that much let alone want to give up everything to be with me.

I was a drifter bum with no ties to anyone or any place.

Jess was in her first year at uni with so many options.

I was blue collar. She was cashmere and pearls.

But none of that mattered to her and that’s what humbled me the most: that she saw past my tough outer shell and believed in the real me. The guy with hopes and dreams of making it big in the culinary world. The guy who secretly liked chick flicks. The guy who would give anything to have a girl like her by my side.

Yeah, I loved her too. Loved her so much I had to let her go.

No way would I be responsible for her giving up her dreams to follow mine on a whim. I had no idea what awaited me in Sydney. How long my savings would last with the exorbitant rental prices. What kind of hovel I’d need to live in while I worked manic hours at the restaurant.

Jess deserved better than that. Way better. The thought of her leaving her life, her family, behind for me, was unbearable.

Simply, I had nothing to offer her.

The best thing I could do for her was to let her explore the world on her own. Develop into her own person. And try my damndest to forget I’d passed up the opportunity of a lifetime, to have her with me.

“The Harpers are leaving.” Mrs. Gee took the meat knife out of my hand. “Don’t you want to say goodbye?”

“Already have,” I grunted, willing my voice not to betray the utter devastation making me almost shake at not seeing Jess again.

Mrs. Gee tut-tutted. “Well, I’m going outside to see them off.” She sent me a pointed glare. “It’s only polite.”

I waited until she shuffled out of the kitchen before I pulled the letter out of my pocket.

I couldn’t go outside to farewell Jess without doing something first.

A pot of chicken chasseur simmered on the stove and I stuck an edge of the letter into the burner, waited for it to catch, before heading for the sink.

As the letter flamed, I’m sure my heart cracked wide open, the pain was that bad.

When my fingers were in danger of being scorched, I dropped the remnants into the sink and watched it turn to ashes.

Ironic. The first and only time I’d ever been honest with a woman, I’d watched it go up in smoke.

If deliberately pushing Jess away had been the hardest thing I’d ever had to do, burning that letter had come a close second. And now I faced a third.

Saying goodbye in public to the woman I loved.

And pretending I didn’t love her at all.

JESS

I said my goodbyes like an automaton. Mechanical. Stilted. Overly formal.

If anyone noticed, they didn’t say. Then again, they could attribute it to my love of the outback and my reluctance to farewell this breathtaking country. Yeah, right.

“Ready to go, Sis?” Reid draped his arm across my shoulder.

“Yeah.” I managed to keep my voice steady, glad the numbness that had set in around the time Jack had flung my declaration back in my face had filtered through to my vocal cords.

Even my voice sounded mechanical, almost tinny. It was better than the alternative. A wailing, blubbery mess.

Not that I’d cry again. I’d wasted enough tears on Jack McVeigh. No more.

Never again.

Of course, that’s the moment he chose to saunter around the veranda corner, swiping his hands down the front of his apron.

My heart gave a traitorous jolt and when he looked at me, the familiar heat spread through me. Looked like my body hadn’t got the memo my head dictated: FIRST CLASS PRICK. DELETE FROM MEMORY.

“Hey, there’s Jack.” Unfortunately, Reid didn’t remove his arm from my shoulder when he all but dragged me across the short distance separating us. “Next time I see you, Jack, I’m expecting the best cordon bleu in Sydney.”

“You’re on, mate.” Jack responded to Reid but it seemed he only had eyes for me. Eyes that I wanted to gouge out.

Reid shook Jack’s hand, finally giving me the opportunity to slip out from under his other arm.

“Safe trip, guys.” Jack managed a tight smile. “I have to get back to the kitchen.”

“Sure thing.” Reid did some dorky salute while I managed a mute nod.