Before Ever After (40 page)
Authors: Samantha Sotto
BORACAY, PHILIPPINES
Now
P
aolo set the letter down. Tears streamed down his cheeks. He let them fall. He looked like a man finally coming to terms with the fact that he had lost his entire family and his dreams, all at once. Shelley could not help but go to him. She would not leave him now.
“I forgive you,” she said.
Paolo and Shelley held each other, sobbing in each other’s arms until
they were too tired to cry. They cried for themselves and for Max, the choices they had made and had not, and for their shared loneliness. The envelope containing Sophia’s letter was now wet with their tears. Paolo opened the yellowed envelope, already knowing what it contained. He translated it for Shelley.
Failure and forever
Amore mio
,
If you are reading this then it means that it is morning, you have woken—and I have not. I have failed. To me, the chance I took was worth it. To be with you forever was the only life I have ever wanted to live
.
I beg you, do not hate me. In failure I am selfish, but had I succeeded, what I would have gained would have been for both of us. We would have had each other for always
.
I know I have no right to ask you this, but please do me the kindness of keeping the truth of my death from our son. He is a boy and will not understand. Tell him and the world that I died peacefully in my sleep. If not, others will judge what I have done as an act of weakness and desperation, a coward’s escape out of life. I do not want to taint our son’s life with what the world calls suicide. Only you and I will know that when I took my life, I was not seeking death. Immortality is a choice, but perhaps not a choice meant for all
.
You told me once that you had half a soul. I thought that if I surrendered half of mine to death, the half that was left I could give to you. Together, we could be whole for all eternity. I am sorry for placing too much faith in destiny. It appears that you were meant to be mine only for a little while
.
Do not blame yourself or regret telling me the truth about
who you are. What has happened is a consequence of my choice, not yours. You gave up death for your dream, I gave up my life for mine. My only regret is that in pursuing my dream of being with you for always, I have left you forever. But you are not alone. I have given you a son and restored the family that was once torn from you. You are the father you have always wanted to be, and no one will ever take that away from you again
.
Though it shatters my heart to say this, find love again. Perhaps one day a woman will be born who can be with you forever, a woman strong enough to make the same choice that you have made
.
I am looking at you now as you sleep soundly by my side and I am hoping that when the sun rises I will be alive to shred this letter into a million pieces. Perhaps tomorrow will be the first morning I wake up and not feel my body withering next to yours
.
I have read that the poison I will take is painless and I would like to believe that it is. I will kiss you in your sleep for what I am praying will not be the last time, but if it is, know that in this kiss I am promising you a love to last all your lifetimes
.
Forever,
Sophia
BORACAY, PHILIPPINES
Now
S
he killed herself.” Shelley was frightened by how much she understood Sophia’s intentions.
“Because she thought she could be immortal.” Paolo shook his head sadly.
“And what about you, Paolo?” Shelley asked slowly, uncertain that she would like his answer. “Do you still want to be like Max? Do you love life so much that you are willing to die for it?”
He walked to the window and looked out at the sea. “No, it’s not what I want anymore. At first I envied him. Who wouldn’t? He has no
deadline to accomplish his dreams, to have adventures, to experience everything tomorrow has to offer. But I’m beginning to see things differently now. I’m part of a larger story and I was not born to be its end. It is too ancient to squander for my vanity. I will not be the last leaf to fall from the tree.”
She watched the waves turn to froth against the rocks. “Then what will you be?”
Paolo smiled. “With any luck, I will be an old man who cooks baked eggs and cheese for his grandchildren on Sundays. I will have chickens—lots of them. And when I am gone, my family will remember me and wonder what I put in those eggs to make them taste so wonderful,” he said. “There are other ways to live forever.”
Letters and lies
BORACAY, PHILIPPINES
Now
S
helley’s letter fluttered in her hand.
“Aren’t you going to read it?” Paolo asked.
“I don’t know,” she said. “I don’t think I can.”
“Why not?”
“I’m only here because you needed a storyteller. I already know what my letter says—an apology, a thank-you, a good-bye.”
“You don’t know that.”
“But I do, Paolo. If the letter wasn’t a good-bye …” Fresh tears stung her eyes. “Then he would be here.”
“Shelley …”
“I already mourned my husband once. I can’t do it again. I won’t.”
Paolo took her in his arms. “I know it’s difficult, but not knowing will be worse.”
Shelley chewed on her lip. For all the pain she was feeling, she had to admit that she was still glad that she had learned the truth. Max was alive and he had left her—but he had not meant to be cruel. Those were simply the terms of the trade he had unknowingly made.
“You don’t have to read it to me,” Paolo said. “But clearly he had
something to say, something he wanted you to know. He asked me to find you, and I know in my heart that he did it as much for himself as for me.”
Shelley knew that Paolo was right. She retreated to a quiet corner while Paolo went outside. She ran her fingers over the creases of the letter and imagined Max’s fingers pressing them into place. She unfolded the paper slowly. Beneath the folds were the last words Max would ever say to her. It was the good-bye that she did not want to hear. She closed her eyes and pressed his letter to her lips. It smelled like a place she had once been to. Salty. Faraway. She smoothed it on the table.
Shelley
,
It is barely morning and the bed is still warm from where you lay in my arms
.
Shelley stopped reading. What was Max talking about? When had he written this letter?
I watched you creep outside, careful not to wake me. I listened to you dress in the hallway and walk out the front door. I listened—until there was nothing left but the sound of my own breathing. I do not know where you are going. I do not want to know
.
Tears burned Shelley’s eyes. This was the night she had run away from Max, the day after he had asked her to marry him.
Yesterday, I asked you to be my wife. I asked you to think about your answer. I wanted to give you the chance to do something that I could not do myself—to run away. I could never willingly leave you, Shelley, though I know this is what a less selfish man would do. But I am half a man, wholly in love, and so I have chosen to let you leave me instead
.
Was I hasty in asking you to marry me? In my eyes, I could not have been slower. In a blink, you will be gone. I see the sand of your life flowing—fast and freely between my fingers. I am not a god, but you are mortal. I wished only to snatch you from the meadow before time laid you beneath it
.
You make me laugh, Shelley. You also make me cry. Your heart is so soft that it pities monsters. Basilisks. River Men. You see beyond their crimes. It filled me with the hope that you would see beyond the one I have just committed—because make no mistake, asking you to be my wife is the sin of a madman
.
I am writing all this because I know I have no intention of ever giving you this letter. I just needed a place in this universe to tell the truth, even if only on a page that will never be read. But I have never lied to you. All the lies I have ever told have been to myself. I have never promised you anything I couldn’t give. The lie was that I didn’t want more
.
I want forever with you, Shelley
.
I want your days to be as long and endless as mine
.
I want to hear your voice next to me on the nights I fear to dream
.
I want you to choose me, to choose us, every day, and always
.
But the price is too high for what I want, and I will not let you pay it. And so I have let you steal a boat—and my heart—and pray that we shall never meet again
.
Run, Shelley. Run away with your thoughts, your answer, and your heart while you can. Run from me and my hopeless secrets. Run and hide, Shelley, because if I find you, I will never let you go
.
So leave me, my love, on this island, my sanctuary in every apocalypse, and let the world I dared to dream for us end
.
Max
Tea and tomorrow
WHERE SHELLEY IS
Now
T
he chicken was noticeably quiet as it sat in the back of the rented motorboat. The fact that it was lying between a generous layer of mayonnaise and a soggy lettuce leaf might have had something to do with its demeanor. But the cold sandwich was the closest thing Shelley could find to a chicken at this time of the night and she needed all the luck she could get. She had also stuffed two hard-boiled eggs in her coat pockets for good measure. (She had no idea what she was going to do with them or the sandwich, but she thought that taking them with her was probably the least mad thing she was doing that evening.) She rubbed her chest. It hurt.
It had been two weeks since she and Paolo parted ways. She had flown back to London while Paolo lingered at The Shell to perfect the fine art of making baked eggs and cheese. Dex had become quite an egg expert and was happy to share Max’s elusive secret ingredient with them. Shelley was more than mildly stunned when she learned that the great mystery behind the dish was actually just a few drops of—