Authors: Clare James
“Don’t be. I’m not saying I didn’t go through some of that stuff first.”
He winks.
I want to
ask him what happened. I want to know if his rough spot was as bad as mine, but I know we’re not ready to go there. I know I’m not. “You’re an interesting guy, Noah Adler,” I say. “I’ll give you that.”
I accept his invitation and move to sit on the edge of his bed.
“You’re interesting too, Tabitha Kelly.”
He catches my arms that currently hold my body on his bed and lets them, and me, drop onto his pillows.
“Take a load off.” He laughs and drops a pillow on my head. “Let’s relax a little before we get to work. I want to know more about you.”
I look into his green eyes and take a breath, then I tell
him about me…just a little.
###
As the weeks pass, I spend a lot of “study time” at Noah’s and he does get to know more about me. More than I would like.
Today he i
s relentless.
“What more could you possible want to know?” I ask.
“I haven’t even got to all the basics yet,” he says before firing off a million questions. “What do you want to be when you grow up? How many kids do you want to have?”
I roll my eyes.
“Okay, then,
something less personal,” he says. “What’s your favorite movie?”
“I can’t tell you that.”
“Why?”
“Because it might change your opinion of me.”
“Come on,” he says, pinning me down. “Tenacious reporter, remember? I won’t give up until I have my answer.”
“Stop,” I tell him, his breath on my neck driving me crazy. “Okay,” I say between giggles. “Okay. It’s
Dirty Dancing
.”
“What?” Noah asks, sitting up now and looking at me like I’m his most fascinating interview.
“You heard me.”
“
Nobody puts baby in the corner?
Really, Tab. Isn’t that movie like fifty years old?”
“Yeah, yeah. I know. I can’t help it. I love the dancing.”
“But it’s
dirty
dancing. I’d think you’d be more into
Black Swan
or something.”
“Mmmhmm.” I slap his chest. “
The only reason you know about that movie is because of the girl-on-girl action.”
“I cannot confirm or deny.” He wraps his arms around me. “But really.
Dirty Dancing
?”
“Have you even watched it?”
“I can’t say I have.”
“N
o judgment then. It’s so good, and the dance scenes are amazing—it’s not even acting. You can tell they’re all really feeling it. I just love that. And the music.” I sigh. “And Patrick Swayze.”
“I knew it
; always about the men with you chicks,” Noah says, his hand resting on the small of my back. A layer of cotton is between us, but his touch is still electric. He leans in and brushes his lips against my neck.
And I want more.
Even though it scares the hell out of me.
A
moan slips from my throat at his touch. I’ve had to keep myself so controlled around Noah for the past few weeks—not an easy feat when I know how good he is with his hands, and his mouth, and…ugh! I’m starting to unravel. I need to take control of this—whatever
this
is—if I want to get out of it unscathed. Maybe if I lead, if I keep it purely physical…maybe then, I can get what I want.
Noah.
But I have to be in control. I’m not ready to hand over my heart again.
Noah opens his mouth to say something
, but I interrupt.
“Is it okay if
we just hang out here for a while and
not
talk?” I ask him gently.
“Too many questions?” he asks, looking hurt.
I nod
, but slip my hands under his shirt before he can be too wounded.
There
. Advantage: me.
I rest my head in the crook of m
y arm, using the other to explore his lower back and shoulders. I slide in closer and Noah’s breath hitches.
I’m doing it.
My hand comes around his body to his chest, where I let it drift over his lean muscle. Getting a little daring, I trail my thumb over his nipple.
And that’s all it takes.
He crushes into my lips and kisses me, really kisses me, and I take the plunge, not thinking about anyone or anything other than him.
We kiss. And kiss. And kiss.
Soft and slow at first. I’m lost in the feeling. In Noah. He smells like peppermint and tastes sweet; The Head and the Heart plays in the background. Everything is perfect.
The kisses become more intense and he leans into me. My body responds to his and pushes back whil
e the music echoes in my head. I’ve never felt this before, even when things started getting heavy with Thomas it wasn’t like this. I didn’t want to crawl into his skin or tell him how special he was.
I want all of that with Noah, but I’m not sure I can. I’m not sure he’d want to continue if he knew the real me, if
he knew the whole story. The guys at my old school—even the nice ones—looked at me like I was damaged goods once the word was out. I wonder if Noah would be like them.
But the more my mind drifts to the past, my body works overtime to keep me in the present. Each to
uch, each sensation is heightened. Then in one fluid movement, Noah has me flipped over and trapped under him. His lips continue their rough assault and his hand snakes under my shirt.
It makes me nervous; I need to take charge
again.
I take his hand and pull
it off my bare skin, struggling under his weight. He lifts up to relieve the pressure, and that’s when I launch myself on top of him. Straddling his hips, I use my hands to push my full body weight down on his chest.
All me.
His eyes grow wide, waiting to see what I’ll do next.
I lean back and pu
ll my shirt over my head. Noah’s hands travel to my ribs, gripping me, before moving to my breasts. Again, I grab his hands and place them down by his sides.
I
reach behind my back and unclasp my bra.
“I really wanted to do that,” Noah says, his voice strained.
With a slight adjustment of my shoulder, the bra falls off.
Noah exhales. His eyes burn my skin.
“Touch me,” I give him permission.
He obliges, watching me closely as if he now understands that I need to be in control. He leans up to touch me and taste me.
Soon
I want more.
I guide his hand between my legs and know it will take nothing to make me come undone. But before he touches me, Noah stops.
He
shifts our position, dropping me to his side as he takes the hand I was using to guide him and slowly moves it to my chest, holding it tight in place.
“My turn,” he says
, his face determined. All playfulness gone.
His free hand finds its way back
between my legs and I have to bite my lip to hold in a scream.
“Tabby,” he warns when I start to protest.
This time, without my guidance, his fingers brush over me and find the perfect spot. When they do, they press down.
I tell myself that I want to go through with it.
I want him.
Still, I want control even more.
Red lights flash behind my eyes signaling potential disaster to my brain. And that’s when my body shuts down.
“Stop,” I say, my voice hoarse. “Stop!”
Noah releases me and stills instantly. “What?” his voice is raspy too. “What’s wrong?”
I bury my head in his neck, grip his hands, and hold us still until our breathing slows. He follows my lead, but doesn’t seem mad or frustrated. I talk myself down from blinking red to a cool blue and loosen my grip on his hands. Noah swoops his arms around me, pulling my head to his chest.
“Sorry,” I tell him. “I just get a little nervous.” I wave it off but his expression tells me he’s not buying it. “It helps if I can—” I break off not quite sure how to say it.
“Be in control,” Noah finishes for me.
“Yep.” I exhale. It feels good to admit.
“Can you tell me why?”
I shake my head.
“Tabby.” Noah squeezes his protective arm around me. “You like me, right?”
I laugh. “Yes, I think we’ve established that.”
“And you want to be with me?”
“Again, have you been here for the last thirty minutes?”
Noah chuckles. “Okay. Good.” He rubs my arms. “So, if we’re going to try this, you have to trust me to be in control sometimes.”
He meets my eyes and runs the back of his hand along my cheek.
I nod.
“I mean, as hot as it is to have you go all dominatrix on my ass, you need to share that control with me. Do you think you can do that?”
My body shouts,
Hell yes!
My brain, not so much.
“I don’t know, Noah,” I tell him honestly. “I want to, but I don’t know if I can. This is the third time I’ve had to put the brakes on things.”
Noah sets his jaw. “We’ll figure it out, Tab.” He’s so confident it’s hard not to believe him.
My head continues to spin. “I’m tired.”
“Okay,” Noah says, worry covering his face.
“Can we just rest here awhile?” I snuggle into his pillow.
“I
can’t think of anything I’d like better.” He laces his fingers in mine and pulls me close.
###
Noah is asleep almost as soon as his head hits the pillow.
My craziness is taking its toll on him too. I listen to his breathing, trying to relax and quiet my mind. It doesn’t work and soon I’m sliding into those memories. The ones I want to forget.
I jolt up, wanting to wake Noah.
I’d rather answer all of his questions than wallow in my unwelcomed thoughts. I’m so frustrated, I could scream. But I don’t. Instead my eyes well up and before I can stop it, a tear drops.
Noah’s
sleepy eyes open. He studies me. His face drops with my tear. My cheek is wet and I look down to hide it.
Most guys would look away and change the subject, but not Noah. He stares at
me with concern covering his face. Yes, he’s definitely one of the good guys. I give my best attempt at a giggle to blow off this uncomfortable mess. It doesn’t work. He can see right through me.
“
Tabby, I’m sorry I didn’t know you were upset. I wouldn’t have slept—”
“No worries,” I cut him off.
“Well I am worried. I want you to be able to talk to me. Maybe I could help.”
“I’m sure you have better ways to spend your free time than trying to help a head case.”
“What if I told
you helping you would help me?”
“I’m not sure I’d believe you.”
“Just wait, it might be you running away after you find out
I’m
the hot mess.”
“I don’t believe it,” I tell him. “I think you’d be better off with someone without so many issues.” I don’t want to go there, but it has to be said. “I saw you and Jenna talking again today; maybe you aren’t done with her yet. Maybe your time would be better spent with someone normal like her.”
“That ship has sailed,” he says.
Though I know it’s selfish, I’m glad he says it. It’s exactly what I want to hear.
“It’s complicated, but it’s not what you think,” he tries explaining. Again. “We are not involved that way. Really.”
Noah moves closer, and shifts me on my side so I’m looking right into his eyes. He lifts my hand and places it around his neck and strokes my arm with his fingers.
“But,” he says. “I
would
like to be involved with you.” He never takes his eyes off me. Those green pools only inches from mine. “I want you, Tabby,” his breath catches.
Noah leans in and gently runs his lips ov
er mine and my body feels like it is turning inside out. “I think I can help you,” his voice, vibrating on my lips.
“How?”
“I have a plan,” he says with a gleam in his eyes. “Think you can trust me?”
“I think so
,” I say, willing to try just about anything to have this with Noah. “When do we start?”
TWENTY-ONE
I wake up the next morning with butterflies in my stomach and a smile on my face, and wish I could get back to my dreams about Noah. It’s only five o’clock in the morning, the earliest I’d been up in months, and I can’t sleep. I tossed and turned all night. Energy pulsates in my bones and I can’t lay still, I need to find a way to calm down.
I slip on my ballet shoes and get to work.