Being Human (2 page)

As the day passed, I wondered. Not about the vampire who turned me – that no longer mattered. Vampires aren’t loving parents who stay by your side to watch over you and make sure you get everything right. No, they bite and drain you, leaving you to turn and wake alone and confused and to figure everything out for yourself. I guess instinct is enough to keep any vampire
alive
.

My mind wondered again and again about my brother. I couldn’t help myself; my thoughts returned to him unbidden. There were no memories other than the ones from the night before. Anything else about him I felt. Love and caring, concern over his wellbeing. I felt connected to him; I didn't want to be away from him. I knew he felt the same for me; I had seen it in his eyes in our parents' room. Even in death, the twin bond was strong.

When the sun began to set, my body vibrated with energy. Eagerly, I dug myself up and shook the dirt off. My first thought was to feed. Hunger lay curled inside me like a beast and I remembered how good it had felt to feed. Heat had coursed through me, giving me a surge of energy that strengthened me and made me feel more than alive.

Then I remembered my brother.

Somehow, like I knew who he was when I saw him, I knew he wouldn’t want me to kill and that mattered to me. What he wanted shouldn’t matter, I knew, but it did. He was important to me and the urge to not disappoint him gnawed at me.

“I want to feed!” I told the night sky. Pacing back and forth, I tried to figure out how to get the blood I needed. No, it wasn’t need fueling me, it was want.

How?

How could I feed and not sadden my brother?

I felt it was impossible; I couldn’t feed without hurting him. Frustrated and confused, I slammed my fist into a tree and sent bark flying as the dry wood splintered. With a growl, I shoved the tree, sending it crashing to the ground.

“Why do you have to matter?” I shouted. “Why can't I forget you like I’ve forgotten everything else? I'm not human! I don't want to be!”

The words froze me. Already I didn't want to be human? That was how fast vampire instinct worked? Washing everything human away in a matter of hours until there was left nothing but a lethal predator? I couldn’t even grasp the concept I was once human.

I sank to the forest floor, ignoring the urge to hunt and drink blood, and letting the night slip by. Bats flew above, crickets chirped, the stars sparkled and the moon shone. I ignored it all, lost in thought over the puzzle of my brother and my hunger.

Eventually I rose. Enough musing and agonizing over my brother; it was time to satisfy myself. No destination or plan in mind, I headed out of the woods and into the town. I knew what I was going to do and how to do it. There was no rush.

Well, maybe a little rush. With only so many hours in the night, I couldn’t afford to waste too much time. There were more hours during the day, but I would be useless then.

The streets were deserted, all humans inside their homes, so I moved outward, hanging along the roads. Cars sped by and I raced to catch one. Above the drone of the engine, the rhythm of four hearts beat. Tempting, but I wanted to take it easy. I dropped back to wait for another car. The next one had a single human in it, one rhythm beating. I picked up my pace, pushing to match the speed of the car, and jumped.

I landed silently on the roof of the little sedan. The wind whipped around me, wild and chaotic. I paused for a moment, enjoying the feeling. It felt pure. Nothing could corrupt the wind or stop it. Unlike the rhythm beating below me.

Music muffled through the roof, the rhythm of the human’s heart almost keeping beat to the tune.
Is it not enough/Is it not enough/Everything that was said/Everything that was done/In the end I gave all I had/Sacrificing all I loved for you/And I forgave you for it all
.

The last line stuck in my head, a truth ringing in the words.

I had murdered my parents and thought about killing my brother and yet he didn’t hate me. I wasn't necessarily sure that was right. How would I have felt if it had been my brother who was turned and murdered our parents?

With no memories to indicate how I should feel, I turned my attention to the human below me. Quickly, I smashed the passenger side window and the human inside screamed. The car swerved, out of control, and into the other lane. Moving quickly, I slid through the shattered window, instinct directing me. My gaze connected with the human's and I pushed my will against hers. The car slowed to a stop, pulling to the side. The human didn’t move, her gaze locked on me and her thoughts blank from the force of my will. I did not want her thinking about dying. That would only make her struggle.

Maybe it was because my first kill had been my sleeping parents. They hadn't been conscious, there was no struggling or screaming, and that had imprinted on me. Or maybe I liked the idea that if the human submitted to my will and stayed calm, I could enjoy the blood more. Savor the taste instead of trying to contain a frightened human.

The fear never left her eyes as I moved closer. I thought about reassuring her, saying it that was all right and it would be over quickly. But it felt like it'd be in vain. My words would be a lie. She would disagree that killing her was
all right
.

I had to say something though. I felt like my brother would want me to. He'd rather me say,
I'm sorry
or
Nothing personal
. A small reassurance instead of nothing.

But those words wouldn't help
, my mind reasoned as my lips touched her neck.

I should say something though
, I argued.

Then it didn't matter.

It didn't matter what my brother thought or how scared this human felt. Didn't matter if a torch-baring mob surrounded me. My teeth were buried in her neck, the crimson blood pulsing onto my tongue and flowing down my throat. My want and yearning was satisfied. That was all that mattered as I fell further and further into the rhythm of blood.

****

I left the dead human in her car on the side of the road. It was fine where it was, where it would be found. That's how it should be, I mused. Vampires fed on humans and leave the bodies so the other humans could bury them.

Why did humans bury their dead?

The question took me aback and I knew I should know the answer. I must have known the answer when I was human.

“It doesn't matter!” I yelled at the world around me.

Why was I talking to nature? I should be in a good mood. I just fed and the human had delicious blood. What would humans compare it to? What foods were considered a luxurious treat? More answers forgotten.

Why couldn't I forget my brother?

As if on cue, a faint breeze carried a scent. It drifted to me, surrounding me and tickling my nose. I turned and followed it like a sailor would a beacon to safety. As I ran, the scent intensified, growing more pungent in the dark air. It seeped into my surroundings, embedding itself in the trees and the ground. The scent said it belonged here; my brother belonged here. Why?

Was it because I was here?

The sound of water gently lapping broke the silence as I ran. I changed direction slightly and moved toward the water, knowing he would be near it. The trees around me thinned, opening up to a large field. No, it wasn't a field, it was a yard.

A few hundred feet ahead, on the edge of a lake, a cabin stood bathed in the light of a half moon. The sides were rough-hewn wood with windows cut into them, a chimney nestled against one side of the peaked roof, and a porch stretched across the length of the front of the cabin, uneven steps leading to it. Nothing adorned the porch, no chairs, tables or mats.

“I knew you'd remember this.”

I turned to find my brother standing at the edge of the lake. His shoes were off, pants rolled up as the water lapped at his toes. Across the lake were more cabins, a few with twinkling lights. If I listened closely, I could make out the rhythms beating inside them.

“I don't remember. I only caught your scent and followed,” I replied.

“Oh.” His shoulders slumped. He perked up a little. “You still came.”

“I didn't want another to find you.”

“Another what?”

“Vampire. Because if one’s going to kill you, it should be me.”

His eyes widened, his mouth opened in shock and he croaked one word, “Oh.”

I looked at him, seeing and smelling his fear. “I wouldn't do that though.”

“Oh,” he repeated, not so horrified.

“I don't want you dead.”

“Oh?”

“No,” I confirmed and paused, considering my next words. “You're my brother. I don't remember being your brother, but I feel it. It's why I stopped when you touched me. I saw you and knew who you were.” I looked at him, catching his gaze. “I won't let anyone hurt you. If they do, I'll kill them.”

The Adam’s apple in his neck bobbed as he swallowed. “You don't have to do that.”

I tilted my head. “Why not?”

Another bob of his Adam’s apple was accompanied with a step backward. “You look creepy when you tilt your head. It looks like you're thinking about eating me.”

I untilted my head. “It's crossed my mind.”

“But you said you didn't want me dead.” His voice was slow and uncertain.

“I don't,” I assured him. “I can bite and not kill. I choose not to.”

For a long moment he was silent. Emotion flashed across his face: confusion, fear and anger. His words seemed carefully chosen when he finally spoke. “You
choose
not to... So you don't
have
to kill, but you do because you
want
to?”

Before I could answer, he turned away from me and headed back to the cabin. I followed him, wondering why he didn't want to hear my answer. Should I have lied to him? There was no reason to lie to him. Lying was pointless.

He tugged his shoes on, unrolled his pants and lay on the grass. He spread his arms above his head, eyes staring at the dark sky. I lay next to him, looking at the sparkling stars and the half moon glowing. The scene felt peaceful, full of serenity that was missing here on the ground. I wondered what it'd be like to be up there, surrounded by peace.

“Are you mad at me?”

My brother looked at me and I realized that the question had come from
me
.

“No,” he said. “I'm trying to understand you. It's unnerving, seeing you this way. So emotionless and void. You say everything in a matter-of-fact tone, like it's the truth and there's nothing I can do about it.”

“I feel emotions.”

“You don't sound like it.”

I sat up, looking at him. He stared back up at me, waiting. I smiled and still he remained silent.

“Well?” I asked.

“What?”

“I smiled.”

“I didn't see you smile,” he replied. “Your lips twitched. Were you smiling again?”

“I was frowning,” I corrected and lay back down.

“Guess you do it too fast for me to see,” he sighed.

We lapsed back into silence. The only sounds I could hear were the water lapping at the lake’s edge and my brother's breathing and heartbeat. All three were steady and soothing noises. I felt like the world around us didn't matter. It was me and him and I didn’t want it to end.

“Tomm–”

In a flash, I sat up, silencing him with the sudden movement. I stared at him, a feeling of unease welling in me. “Don't,” I whispered, “ever say my name. Don't say mine and I won't say yours. Understand?”

“Okay.” He raised an eyebrow at me. “Guess it's true what they say, vampires fear names.”

“Names have power. Power to make you see what you don't want to see.”

“What don't you want to see?”

I leaned closer and he shifted uncomfortably. He kept his eyes on mine, trying not to let his fear overpower him. Was that human instinct? To naturally fear vampires? Had I? It made sense. Vampires hunted humans. I hunted humans, but he was more than just blood to me. He was my brother and that was so important it trumped every vampire instinct in me.

My voice was a whisper, just loud enough for him to hear. “We don't want to see you.”

****

The next night I returned to the cabin. As I wandered around the dark building, my mind shifted between my brother and my hunger. I had no intention of hunting. Last night I hadn’t needed to; that was me being a glutton. The reality of vampires is that the hunger is always there, but the need – the driving force behind the hunger – isn’t. Need arises once or twice a week, maybe less; it depends on the vampire.

While I waited for my brother, I peeked in the windows of the cabin, looking past the curtains. White sheets covered the furniture and the fireplace was cleaned of soot. I turned and looked at the cabins across the lake, glowing with twinkling lights. Why did this one feel abandoned?

Time ticked by as I waited, pacing across the length of the porch. The moon moved across the sky, disappearing behind the trees. Still, my brother didn't appear. I figured he'd come back. Okay, so I hadn't said anything to him about meeting at the cabin again, but I figured it was a given.