I could do this. It was the simplest task, to read a book out loud. If I could remember how to read, to form sentences. The cover of the book caught my eye and the rainbow colored lines made me truly forget how to read. I focused and found the book to be
Oh The Places You’ll Go
by Dr. Seuss.
When I graduated from high school, my dad had given me this book as a gift, remembering that while family surrounded many of my other classmates, I only had my dad sitting the stands. I opened the first page of the book, but I was only able to stare at it. I was freezing up over reading a book to a five year old. It was pretty pathetic if I do say so myself.
“Jo,” Ty whispered to me. My gaze went up to his as he looked at me over the head of blonde hair. He quietly and slowly said to me, “Don’t forget. One step in front of another.” I took a deep breath.
“Hey Jo,” said the small voice between us.
“Yeah, sweetheart,” I said on an exhale.
“You gotta turn the page. I already know what the book is called.”
I did what she said and turned the page. And then, I read. It was slow and methodical with a bit of rhythm these types of books demanded, but I did it. I didn’t tear my eyes away from the words in front of me, but I could feel Annabelle snuggle into me and rest her head against my side. It was sweet torture to feel this warm tiny human squeezed against me. I read the last of the words and I felt every one of them, even if it was simply a child’s book. I didn’t know there were tears in my eyes until Annabelle lifted her head from me. She got up on her knees, wrapping her tiny arms around my neck and gave me a loud kiss on my cheek.
“What was that for?” I asked her.
“Kisses make you not sad anymore.” I touched my cheek and felt the wet fallen tears.
It was that moment when I truly knew how much I had lost.
I would never have this opportunity with someone that might have my eyes one day.
I would never know the joy of holding my own child after carrying it in my body for nine months.
I had lost that; it was taken from me before I could even decide if it was what I wanted.
Gone. Destroyed. Vanished.
I tipped over in my emotion. The bucket holding them was full, too full, and had been for a long time. There was no holding it back as the tears escaped. I got off the bed and rushed out of the room, leaving any dreams of parenthood behind.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Ty
Jolene rushed out of the bedroom. Her hands were trying to cover the tears I knew she was crying. The urge inside me to follow after her was strong, but I had to put my daughter to bed. The push and pull became more apparent when both loves of my life were in the same room.
“Did I fix her dad?” Annabelle asked me.
I hoped that she did, but I think Jo had to break a little more before she started to be okay.
I got up and tucked in Annabelle, kissing her on the forehead and wishing her dreams of happy thoughts.
When I got into the hallway, I looked both ways but didn’t see Jo. Brooke walked out of the bathroom and only got the word, “Backyard,” out before I was flying down the stairs in search of Jolene.
I found her, crumpled against the large tree in the backyard that held the tire swing I fallen out of when I ten, resulting in a broken arm. I remember the pain I felt breaking my arm, sharp and then a constant throb while I was rushed to the emergency clinic. Watching Jo heaving with sobs in the dark and the empty tire swing swaying gently in the wind, that pain was ten fold compared to breaking my arm. Seeing her like this was my past and present crashing together.
I sunk next to her and wound my arms tightly around her body, covering her and wishing I could take all the hurt from her heart.
“Let it out, let it all out,” I told her. I doubted she ever let her emotions get the best of her. She needed this, to purge out the devastation she felt with everything she had lost.
I don’t know how long I held her, but the stars shined brightly as the moon was lost tonight. It was quiet except for the cries coming from Jolene, each one killing me with the hurt associated with it.
Time disappeared as I held her, the summer heat turned into a windy chill and I pulled her closer to me, knowing that in cases like this, I could never be close enough.
Her tears and sobs slowed down, but she shook in my arms. I kissed her everywhere, on the top of her head, her cheek, her shoulder, and each kiss I hoped had a small amount of healing power. As long as I was here, she wasn’t alone. I couldn’t understand her pain, even if I wanted too, but I would make damn sure she knew she didn’t have to do this by herself.
It had to be the middle of the night before I realized that my arms were stiff from holding her so tightly and that she was no longer shaking, but rather steadily breathing. I kissed her on the top of her head, her hair cool from being outside, and saw she had fallen asleep.
I picked her up, trying not to wake her, and took her to bed. The small guest bedroom on the first floor looked out to the backyard and I climbed into bed, with Jo still in my arms. I fell asleep with her dried tears on my shirt and her heartache sinking into me.
***
I flopped the pancakes on the plate and handed it to Annabelle. It was still early and the rest of the house was all sleeping. Annabelle had always been an early riser. While it was true for most kids, I knew she got it from me. We both had this feeling that if we slept in, the day would fade away. I was overjoyed to have a little daddy and daughter time. Jo was sound asleep and I figured she would be for a while.
Annabelle drenched the pancakes with syrup, I should have stopped her but the glee on her face, and yeah I didn’t want to take that away from her.
“Did you like my friend Jolene?” I asked her as I took a bite of my own pancakes. She held the fork awkwardly in her hand as she took a bite larger than her hand and tried to talk afterwards. I laughed quietly to myself and then went over to cut up her pancakes into smaller pieces. I set the plate back. She looked up to me and said, “She’s pretty.”
“She is very pretty.” I smiled because that was a given.
“She reads stories really well.”
My smile grew. “Yes. Also true.”
“Is she going to be your friend for a really long time? I think daddy needs more friends.”
I couldn’t help the laugh but I hid it behind a cough. Even my kid thought I need female companionship. “I hope she’s my friend for a really long time. Maybe one day she will be more than a friend.” I was admitting to my kid that I never wanted to let go of Jolene. How crazy was that? Would it backfire in my face, like I was jinxing it or something?
“Like Momma Avery?” Annabelle was a sharp little girl. She knew Avery and Brooke, for all intents and purpose, were in a committed relationship. Annabelle knew nothing different but her two moms and one dad. She was used to the craziness that was this family, which made me feel a little better.
“I hope so.” And that was the god honest truth.
This seemed to please Annabelle with her big smile she gave me. Brooke came down the stairs, wrapping her hair up in a hair tie.
“Good morning,” she said to me as she kissed the top of Annabelle’s head and went to grab coffee.
“Mommy, guess what?” came from Annabelle.
“What?” Brooke said as she filled her coffee cup.
“I might have another mommy soon!”
Oh hell.
Brooke turned to me, lifting the cup to her lips but the smirk she had on her face was hard to hide.
“Oh really?” she said as she tilted her head.
“Yeah! Like Momma Avery!”
Brooke only raised an eyebrow at me. “Is Jo still sleeping?”
“Yeah,” I answered.
Brooke sat down her cup. She took a few pancakes, put them on a plate and poured syrup on them, handing the plate to me.
“Go take your girl breakfast in bed. She’ll probably need it after last night.” I took the plate but Brooke held a finger, telling me to wait. She filled another cup of coffee and handed it to me.
I took the food and coffee and walked down the hall to the slightly open old white door that led into the guest room. The bed looked liked a tornado hit it. The covers I had been using, because yes I quickly realized spending the night with Jo meant having separate blankets, were pushed at the bottom of the bed. The one she had been using was wrapped around her legs and it didn’t look comfortable at all. I woke up in the middle of the night and took off her jeans, but left her in the shirt she was wearing yesterday. Her dark and long hair was everywhere; I was surprised she was breathing through the massive amount of hair covering her face.
I placed the food on the nightstand and sat on the side the bed. It dipped with my weight and it was enough to stir Jolene.
“Hey sweetheart,” I said quietly as I ran my hands over my arms.
“Mmm,” she murmured as she turned the other way. I took the coffee and walked around, leaning down and putting in front of her face.
“I brought coffee.” One of her eyes opened, then the other. She blinked at me, taking her hand and rubbing them over her eyes.
“Thanks.” It was only a whisper but it was better than her tears from the night before.
Jolene pushed herself into a sitting position and took the coffee from my hands. As she took a small sip, her eyes wandered over to mine. “You know, before I met you, I really hated when guys called me pet names,” she yawned as she finished her statement, taking another drink of coffee.
“Oh yeah?” I grabbed the plate of food and handed it to her.
“Yeah. I dated countless guys. It made me feel like they weren’t even paying attention. I’m sure a few times was because they couldn’t remember my name. It was annoying but in the end the only person to blame was myself.” She shrugged like it was no big deal, but it was. She shouldn’t blame herself that men could be assholes. “But for some reason, I like when you call me sweetheart,” Jo told me.
I watched her eat. “Why’s that?” When it came to Jo opening up to me, I knew I had to make her say why she did the things she did. I doubted she ever talked to anyone about it. If she said it out loud, she was able to see it. When it lived in her mind, it got pushed down by the negative thoughts she had, the ones she thought she needed to keep safe. Jo had to see her self-worth and I could love her till the day I died, but it had to come from her. I knew she had it in her; she was a strong woman, one that didn’t need to be suffocated with reassurance. She already had that confidence inside her; I just had to coax it out of her.
“You don’t do it all the time. It’s special when you do. And when you’re coming you scream my name. That helps.” She gave me a crooked smile, a gleam in her eyes.
I laughed, because that was true. I could never forget her name.
“Did I freak out Annabelle last night?” Her eyes stared at the cup in her hand, but she couldn’t look at me. It hit me that she was probably embarrassed.
“No, not at all. I doubt she knew how upset you were. She really likes you though. We talked this morning.”
“What did you tell her?”
“That you’re my friend. Maybe one day something more.”
Her eyes left the cup and zeroed in on mine. It looked like she was going to say something, but she didn’t. I didn’t push her; it was a bold statement. Yeah, she had to come to terms on her own time, but that wouldn’t stop me from letting her know how I felt, what she meant to me.
We spent the rest of the day playing with Annabelle. Jolene did amazing with her and my heart overflowed with seeing them together. Jo was leaning around the big tree, playing a game of tag with Annabelle and the other kids, all of them chasing her. It was a site to see.
Watching the scene in front of me made me realize something. There wasn’t a moment where everything clicked. There wasn’t a single image in mind when I knew. No, there was a collection of moments, words and feelings. All of them added up to the one fact. I was in love with Jolene. It was one of the easiest things to admit.
Now the real challenge was how to tell her without having her run away. I had met plenty of girls since Brooke and I split-up. A few I even took on a date or two, but with Jo it was different. She bulldozed her way into my life. Her loud and at times brash personality took hold of me. I thought about her when she wasn’t around, I waited anxiously to see what our next adventure was, and I never wanted to let her go when we fell asleep each night. I wanted to see her face light up like it did when we were flying against the mountains. I wanted to see her face calm and at peace, illuminated by the fire in her small cabin. I wanted to build her a studio so she could draw and make art. I wanted to see her with Annabelle, watch them grow together as a family.
God, it was so much. I wanted everything and asking that from Jolene could easily break her. I knew she had the strong willed spirit that she would excel at anything she put her mind too. I also knew it had to come from her.
Jo ran up to me, out of breath from running around. “What’s going on?” she asked me as she put her hands on her hips, looking around at the kids still running in circles, chasing one another.
I wanted to tell her everything running through my mind. That I loved her. That I wanted her to be in my life. Forever.
“Just thinking,” I said instead. It wasn’t the right time.
She let me have that one.
Later on that day, the four of us—Brooke, Avery, Jo and myself—sat outside the picnic table. Annabelle was taking a nap, beat from all the playing in the morning.
Brooke started the conversation by saying, “Okay Ty. What’s your plan for the fall? You don’t have school anymore, but Annabelle is starting kindergarten. It won’t be as easy to have her go back and forth.”
I nodded in agreement. Usually I was in school in Montana. Since I had graduated in May, I now had to make a decision. The original plan had me moving closer to home, though I never had made any guarantees, knowing I wanted to make sure I had a good job to go to. I had been with the Forest Service since I was eighteen and with my degree, they told me as long as I could give them a heads up, they could place me in an office closer to my family. That meant the large city of Moraine, which was about fifteen minutes from my families farm and twenty minutes from Brooke, Avery and Annabelle, was the obvious choice.