Being Magdalene (16 page)

‘Magdalene? Are you still awake? Did you hear what’s going to happen?’ Daniel bent to look at me.

‘We’re going to be worldly girls.’

‘Are you okay with that?’ he asked as he helped me back in the chair.

‘I want to be with Zillah.’

Zillah climbed on to my lap and our brother wheeled us down the corridor towards our new lives.

DANIEL’S CAR WAS OLD,
and it looked as if he didn’t care for it the way Abraham would have. As he helped me get in, I said, ‘Why am I so tired, Daniel?’

‘Stress,’ he said. ‘It’s your body saying
Phew, thank goodness I’m out of there. I need a rest
. The doctor who examined you just now says it’s lucky you ran away when you did. You’re going to have to look after your stomach for a while until it heals. I’ll tell Nina and Jim what to do. It’ll take you a good few days to come right, so don’t worry. I’ve told Nina you’re going to need to sleep. She understands.’

Good. That was good.

Zillah said, ‘Luke will be sad when he gets home and we’re not there. I’m sad we won’t be able to see Rachel’s baby. They have to cut her open tomorrow to get it out. It’ll hurt so much.’

‘No, it won’t hurt her,’ Daniel said. He explained why she needed the operation and how they’d stop the pain. I let my eyes close, but I didn’t sleep. I wanted to know, to understand. He said, ‘I’ll find
out how she is and I’ll ring you.’

‘Did you know she was in the hospital?’ I asked, my eyes still shut.

‘Yes. But I knew she’d get into trouble if I went to see her.’ He sounded sad.

‘She did anyway.’ Zillah told him about Elder Stephen’s visit and what he’d said to Rachel.

After a long silence, he said, ‘Thank the Lord you kids had the courage to escape.’

We got to the airport. ‘It’s not far to walk. Can you manage, Magdalene?’

‘Yes.’ We walked slowly towards the terminal. I was glad he came with us. I was glad he hadn’t left us the way Father had done at the hospital when we went to see Rachel. I’d never seen an aeroplane on the ground. I didn’t know how you were meant to get inside one.

Before we went into the terminal, Daniel said, ‘Can I take a photo, sisters? You’re all grown-up — I can’t get my head around it.’

It was the first time we’d had our photo taken. He showed it to us on the screen of his phone.

‘Is that really what I look like?’ Zillah’s eyes were glued to the photo. ‘I don’t like it. I don’t want to look like Sharon.’

‘It won’t be for much longer,’ he told her. ‘You can throw those clothes in the bin. Cut your hair. Wear stuff that would make the Elders die of shock.’

They were laughing as we went into the building. Some of the people sitting around waiting looked at us. We weren’t wearing our headscarves. I winced as pain jabbed at my stomach until I realised nobody
here knew we were breaking the Rule. They didn’t know we were running away.

I fixed my eyes on a toddler standing with his face glued against the glass. ‘Plane!’ he said.

Nothing felt real.

Daniel got our tickets and stayed with us until we had to board the flight. He told us what to do, then hugged us. ‘Goodbye, my little sisters. I’ll ring you tonight and I’ll come and see you soon.’

We stepped outside the terminal, walking out of our lives, away from Luke and our parents. I took Zillah’s hand.

I let her sit by the window. She was too excited to talk — her eyes were wide and she kept turning her head to take everything in. I heard her gasp when the plane gathered speed. ‘It’s okay,’ I said. ‘Nobody’s worried. It must be what always happens.’

Her grip on the armrest relaxed.

I shut my eyes. Mother and Father would know by now that we’d run away. The Elders would be furious. I wondered what Saul would think in his heart and if he’d talk to Rachel about it. He mightn’t tell her we’d gone until after the baby got born. He wouldn’t want to upset her.

Zillah didn’t pull herself away from the window until the plane touched down. ‘That was amazing!’ Her eyes were bright, but then her face clouded. ‘Magdalene, will somebody meet us? Daniel didn’t tell us.’

‘It’ll be all right.’ I hoped it would be.

‘I’m glad you’re here,’ she said. ‘I’m glad we ran away together.’

‘Me too.’

We walked hand in hand from the plane, following the line of people into a building. My heart thumped. Zillah’s clutch on my hand tightened.

We heard a shout. ‘There they are!’ There was a clatter of feet and then we were picked up and whirled around in circles. ‘Magdalene, you’re all grown up!’ It was Rebecca.

‘Zillah! Little Zillah, I’m your big sister. I’m Miriam!’

Rebecca set me back on my feet just as another set of arms went round me. ‘Maggie! I can’t believe it!’ It was Esther. She stretched out an arm to grab hold of Zillah. ‘And, Zillah — wow, you look different from the last time I saw you.’

They’d come to meet us, all our lost sisters. They held our hands and danced us out to a car.

Esther got in the driver’s seat. ‘You’ll have to get used to calling me Kirby,’ she said.

She didn’t look like Esther now. Her hair was pulled up in a high ponytail as if she just wanted to keep it out of her eyes. She wore jeans and an orange tee-shirt. The way she drove reminded me of Abraham, except she didn’t make the car sound angry.

Rebecca sat in the back with Zillah and me. ‘Tell me about Rachel. Did she have a boy or a girl? It’s been four years and I still don’t know.’

Zillah stared at her. ‘The baby doesn’t get born until tomorrow. They’re going to cut her open, but Daniel says she’ll be safe and he’s going to ring us up and tell us.’

Rebecca sat back in her seat, her eyes shut tight.

I touched her hand. ‘She’s got a little girl. Her name is Hope.’

‘Hope!’ Rebecca bent forward, her arms hugging her body. ‘Oh, Rachel!’

Miriam turned around from the front seat. ‘I guess that says it all. In her heart she knows the whole system stinks. What’s she like now, kids?’

I said, ‘She’s like Mother. Like she used to be.’

‘A good and godly woman,’ Rebecca said softly. ‘My poor sister.’

Her pain woke all the sore places in my heart. I shouldn’t have come. I should have sent Zillah by herself. I should have gone back and let Elder Stephen punish me for ever and ever. Zillah would be fine. The lost ones would care for her and love her. She would go to a proper school and I would look after Mother.

Later, all I could remember of the journey from the airport to our new home was Zillah’s voice asking questions and my sisters’ voices answering her. I knew we travelled up hills and around corners. There were trees and sometimes we could look down at the blue, blue sea. I didn’t feel part of what was happening.

When we stopped at the house and I had to get out, I felt as if I wasn’t properly in my body. I remember the kindness of our aunt and uncle. Esther’s mother was there too. I think she was the one who put me into a bed.

Time passed. I slept through Daniel’s phone call. He rang again the next afternoon. Rachel’s baby had arrived safely. She was well and so was her little son. His name was Theodore. It meant
God’s gift
.

‘Did you visit her?’ Zillah asked. ‘Have you seen the baby?’

But of course he hadn’t. He wouldn’t want to bring Rachel more trouble. He’d asked for news from one of the nurses looking after her.

Theodore
. We had a tiny nephew we’d never see, who would never know he had four aunts and an uncle who longed to get to know him. He’d always be a question mark in my mind, and Hope would always be three years old.

I went back to my bed in our pretty room. Sleeping in the daytime was such sinful luxury. I didn’t have the energy to feel guilty about it. My eyes wouldn’t stay open long enough to let me study the pattern of the pale-blue curtains or gaze at the wall of pictures. This must have been Miriam’s room when she lived here.

Zillah slept in the other bed, even though she said there was another room that could be hers if she wanted it. I knew she was worried about me. ‘I’ll be all right,’ I told her. ‘I’m just tired.’

My aunt let me sleep on.

Then one morning she came in and sat on the edge of my bed. ‘Magdalene darling, do you remember Ellen?’

I didn’t know anyone called Ellen. It wasn’t a godly name. I shook my head, and she said, ‘Ellen is Kirby’s mother.’

It took me a moment to remember she was talking
about Esther, who I would have to learn to call Kirby.

My aunt said, ‘She’s going to take you to talk to a doctor today. We’ve got you some worldly clothes.’ She put a pile of garments on the end of my bed. ‘Can you manage to get dressed?’

Zillah pushed back the covers and jumped out of her bed. ‘I’ll help you, Magdalene. I’m going to school today. Yesterday Nina and I talked to the principal, and she said I can start today. She’s really nice, and I asked her if you can come too and she said you can when you stop being tired.’

She shouldn’t call our aunt by her first name. ‘Sister Nina.’

My aunt put her arm under my shoulders to help me sit up. ‘Call me Nina, and your uncle is Jim. That’s what we like.’

Between them, she and Zillah helped me put on the worldly clothes. I wished I felt better, I wished I felt real. The clothes were pretty, I knew they were, but they didn’t touch my heart. I did manage to say
thank you
.

At breakfast I tried to feel the joy of being able to wear a short green dress sprinkled with tiny flowers. There was a denim jacket too, leggings and silver shoes. My sisters had chosen everything for me with love — I knew it, but I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t say more than just
thank you
.

I couldn’t feel joy either at sitting with family who chatted and laughed. Zillah collapsed into giggles when Jim used his knife to flick her a slice of toast. I smiled to see her happy but I felt far removed from her and my aunt and uncle.

The phone rang. ‘That’ll be Daniel again,’ Nina said as she went to answer it.

It wasn’t. It was Abraham, calling from Auckland. We heard his urgent questions from across the room. ‘Are my sisters there? Magdalene and Zillah. Are they all right?’

Zillah almost collided with our aunt in her rush to get to the phone. For a second, the familiar fear crushed down on me until I saw Nina hug her and laugh. ‘Easy, tiger,’ she said.

Zillah’s questions poured out even before the phone was in her hand. ‘How did you know we’re here? Who told you? Do you like Auckland? Have you been to the library? Does Talitha like it too? Is Luke there? Can we talk to you again?’

Zillah listened for a moment, held the phone in front of her, then pushed a button. ‘Is that right, Abraham? Can you still hear me?’

His voice filled the kitchen, making me jump. ‘So, Zillah, you’re fine, but how’s Magdalene?’

I made myself speak. ‘I’m all right, Abraham, but how —’

Zillah cut me off. ‘She’s not all right, Abraham. She’s tired and sad and I want her to get better. She’s trying hard but it’s not working and I don’t know what to do.’ Her voice cracked and she sniffed back tears.

‘I’ll be all right. Truly I will.’ I couldn’t say any more.

My aunt said, ‘We’re taking her to the doctor today, Abraham. I believe our Magdalene is exhausted. Don’t worry, we’ll get her any help she needs.’

Our Magdalene
. I wanted to cry.

Zillah said, ‘That’s good, isn’t it, Abraham, and it’s better than praying because praying doesn’t work. How did you know we ran away? How did you find us? Can I talk to Luke?’

I heard Luke say, ‘In a minute, Zillah. One thing at a time.’ I knew he was smiling.

Abraham’s voice again. ‘Talitha’s parents rang. They went all the way to Blenheim to buy a phone so the Elders wouldn’t find out. Hey, it’s great to talk to you.’

Zillah said, ‘Daniel rings us up too. He looks like you and he’s nice.’

Abraham gasped. ‘You’ve seen him? You’ve found Daniel? What’s his number? Hey, Talitha! You’ll never guess!’ His words tumbled over each other as he told her what Zillah had said. ‘How did you find him?’

‘At the hospital,’ Zillah said. ‘What happened when they found out we ran away, Luke? Did Brother Ebenezer tell you?’

We heard him laugh. Our aunt and uncle came back to the table and sat down. My uncle said, ‘Luke, Abraham, this is Jim. I’m your father’s brother. Good to hear from you, but you’d better go on with the story before young Zillah here bursts something.’

Abraham said, ‘Luke can tell you. I’ve gotta run. Late already. Bye, all. Talk again soon.’ We heard a door shut.

‘Me and Abraham, we’re so thankful the girls went to you,’ Luke told our uncle. ‘How did they find you?’

But Zillah was too impatient to explain. ‘Luke! What
happened
? How did you find us?’

Our brother’s voice said, ‘It wasn’t easy. Short
version — we got the idea to check Miriam out, to see if she had a website. Her bio said she’d gone to relatives in Wellington after she got thrown out. Abraham rang every Pilgrim we could find.’

‘Luke …’ My voice sounded weak. I tried again. ‘Luke, what happened at worship? Did Brother Ebenezer …’

‘He didn’t say much,’ our brother said. ‘Mother went to get you, couldn’t find you. He said she was a little upset.’

I squeezed my eyes shut.
A little upset
. She’d have been shouting and crying. ‘The Elders?’

‘Sister Priscilla said they ran in all directions — some of them to the bathrooms, some of them yelled at Mother and the rest of them rushed out to the nursery.’