‘But she hasn’t been frantic about me?’
Noah shrugged. ‘She is a deep woman, Belle. It’s difficult to read her. Mog, to all intents and purposes, is your true mother, Annie has always known that. But I think that now you have so much more knowledge about the world she brought you up in, you should be able to see evidence that she did her best for you.’
Belle sniffed. Noah felt it would be best to leave it there for her to mull over.
‘How do you feel about seeing Jimmy again?’ he asked.
‘I don’t know,’ she said with a glum expression. ‘We were just innocent children really when we met. I liked him a great deal too. But I’m not that same girl any more, am I?’
She looked so sad that a lump came up in Noah’s throat.
‘We’ve all changed,’ he said. ‘I was such a prig when I met Millie, but through the last two years I’ve learned not to make judgments about people, or the way they live. Jimmy has grown in every way, even Garth has mellowed.’
‘But Jimmy will be hanging on to the memory of me as I was, just as I have of him. We won’t be able to go back to that point.’
‘No, you won’t. But in all the excitement of you being welcomed home, and Mog and Garth’s wedding, maybe you’ll discover a new starting point.’
‘Etienne told me you liked Lisette,’ she said. ‘Can I hope for something to come of that? She was so kind to me.’
‘Gabrielle has gone out there today to visit. They are old friends, you see. Along with telling her you are safe, she hopes to make some arrangements for us to meet. It would be folly for me to call there, the people Lisette is afraid of might hear of it. But the last time I saw Lisette I did offer to get her and her son away to safety. Gabrielle will tell her that offer is still open.’
‘Then I hope she takes you up on it.’
Noah smirked. ‘Etienne said I should go home and marry a girl from the same background as me.’
‘So you can leave her at home and gallivant all over the place like he does,’ she retorted.
Noah looked at her in surprise. ‘He hasn’t told you about his wife and children?’
‘No, why should he?’
‘They died in a fire last year,’ Noah said. ‘He doesn’t know if it was arson or an accident. But he believes it was set deliberately because he left the organization he used to work for.’
Belle blanched. ‘How terrible! Poor Etienne. I know he loved them a great deal.’
‘He doesn’t like to talk about it and of course I didn’t know him before. But I’d say this is why he was so committed to finding you, and why he’s prepared to name names and stand as a witness.’
Belle was so stunned by the news of Etienne’s family dying that she couldn’t speak. She knew enough about men to know his family was his world, or he might well have taken advantage of her on the ship when she tried to get him to seduce her.
He clearly didn’t tell her about the tragedy himself because he wanted to concentrate all his energy and sympathy on her. Such kindness in the face of his own pain was almost unbearable. She had been rescued, she would go home to a good life with her family, but he would be left alone with only memories of his.
Noah looked at Belle’s stricken face and not for the first time he wondered if there was more between her and Etienne than they’d said. But it wasn’t appropriate to ask, he’d done enough damage for one day in giving her that news. There was nothing further he could tell her about the folk back home in England either, so he thought it better to go rather than make small talk. Besides, he had notes to be written up properly so that he had a decent record of what had gone on here in the last few days. There was also the telegram to send to Mog.
He told Belle that he must go and she looked at him blankly for a moment. ‘Oh, yes. Thank you for coming to see me. I hope you work something out with Lisette.’
‘And I hope you are well enough to leave here very soon.’
As the door closed behind Noah, Belle began to cry again as she thought of how comforting Etienne had been to her, and how quickly he must have come to her aid when Gabrielle had sent word to him.
Could that mean he held feelings for her? He’d said he remembered how beautiful she looked that last night on the ship. Had he also remembered those kisses they shared in the narrow bunk?
For two years now she’d conjured up memories of Etienne whenever she’d felt sad and lonely and even, if she was completely honest, when she was with her clients. It was of course shameful of her to hope that maybe they could have a future together just after hearing about such a terrible tragedy, but why had fate brought them together again if not for that?
Chapter Thirty-five
‘You promise to write to me? And come to England soon?’ Belle begged Etienne.
They were at the Gare du Nord, on the platform by the Calais train. Noah was already aboard with their luggage, giving them the opportunity to say their goodbyes without him looking on.
The station was extremely busy and very noisy with the sounds of steam engines, luggage carts being wheeled and people shouting to make themselves heard. But Belle was oblivious to everything but Etienne as he held her hands and looked down at her.
She wanted to lock the memory of his face into her mind for all time. Those blue eyes which could be as cold as the Atlantic Ocean sometimes, yet held the warmth and gaiety of New Orleans when he looked at her. His angular cheekbones, the curve of his generous mouth. She wanted to remove his hat and ruffle up his fair hair because she liked that boyish look he had when he first got up in the mornings.
Belle had been forced to stay in the nursing home longer than expected as she developed sickness and a high temperature. The doctor said it was shock, but she thought it was anxiety that Pascal might have made her pregnant. But fortunately her monthlies arrived a couple of days late and she soon recovered. The scar on her stomach had healed well, but she avoided looking at it; she didn’t want any reminders of what Pascal had done to her.
But it had been Etienne’s visits that had brought on her full recovery. He would come in with pastries, fruit or some other little treat and sit beside her bed and tell her things he’d read in the newspapers that day. She found herself telling him some of the funnier stories about the girls at Martha’s, and he told her tales about some of the villains he’d known in the past. He did eventually speak about the fire, and how low he’d sunk afterwards, but he was keener to talk about his plans for his little farm, and to get her to talk about her dream of having her own hat shop.
Mostly, however, they talked about inconsequential things, the sights they’d seen together in New York, books they’d read and other places they’d like to see. He was so easy to be with, he didn’t fire questions at her, didn’t ask what she was thinking. And he never gave her the idea that he was growing bored in her company.
She finally got to see Paris in the spring too, for once she was allowed to go back to the Mirabeau, Etienne had taken her out sight-seeing.
Paris had been grey and wintry in all her time there, but now trees were bright with pink or white blossom, and the sun shone down on flower beds alight with red and yellow tulips. People had abandoned their heavy, drab winter clothing, and it was good to see them strolling along the tree-lined boulevards, the ladies in elegant pastel dresses and lovely spring-like hats. Even the gentlemen sported lighter-coloured suits.
They’d enjoyed a boat trip on the Seine and a walk in the Bois de Boulogne, seen Versailles and been up the Eiffel Tower. It felt almost as if they were courting, the way other couples all around them were.
But Belle was only too aware she couldn’t ever hope for that kind of sweet relationship, not after all she had done. She heard girls giggling and squealing on the platform at the top of the Eiffel Tower. She’d noted the way their men held their waists protectively as they looked down at the panoramic view of Paris so far below. She could giggle just as they did, Etienne could hold her the same way, but the sum total of all they knew about the seamier side of life prevented an innocent romance.
‘I will write, but I warn you my written English is not good,’ Etienne said. ‘But it is not wise for me to come to England. I will always be a reminder of the past and that is not good for you.’
Belle looked at him in consternation. She knew by the break in his voice that his heart was saying something quite different to his words.
‘But I need you,’ she pleaded, her eyes filling with tears. ‘Are you telling me you want me to forget you?’
‘You must try, little one,’ he said. ‘As I must try too, for I know I am not the man you need.’
The guard blew his whistle then to warn everyone the train was leaving. Noah yelled from the train window that Belle was to hurry.
‘You must go. Your family awaits you in England,’ Etienne said.
She wanted to stamp her feet and refuse to go until he admitted he loved her and promised that they could be together in a few weeks. But she sensed by the sadness in his eyes that he would never say that, for he believed he was doing the right thing for her.
‘Then just say one last thing in French to me,’ she asked, standing on tiptoe to kiss him on the lips.
He caught hold of her face between his two hands and kissed her back with unbearable sweetness. ‘
Je défie les incendies, les inondations, et même l’enfer pour être avec vous
,’ he whispered as he let her go. ‘Now, the train. Go!’
Belle began to move towards the carriage door where Noah was standing beckoning frantically. She turned to look one last time at Etienne. ‘
Au revoir, mon héros
,’ she said, and saw that his eyes were swimming with tears, just like hers.
‘Belle, come now!’ Noah yelled as the guard waved his flag for the train to leave.
Etienne had to bundle her into the train as it began to move. She leaned out of the window and blew him a kiss. He ran alongside the train saying something she couldn’t hear, and the smoke belching from the engine almost hid his face.
She waved until he was just a dot in the distance, and only then was she ready to join Noah.
He had found an empty compartment. As she came through the door he laughingly said how he had strewn their belongings around to deter anyone from joining them. But then he noticed she was crying and handed her his handkerchief.
Belle mopped her eyes and wiped specks of soot from her cheeks. ‘Putting my head out of the window always makes my eyes water,’ she said by way of an explanation.
‘My eyes water at odd times too, especially saying goodbye to people I like,’ Noah said with a wry smile.
It took every ounce of determination Belle had not to break down and tell Noah she loved Etienne and she didn’t think she could bear to go back to London. But Noah was full of excitement at the family reunion ahead of them. It wasn’t fair to make him disappointed or worried, not after the lengths he’d gone to to find her. And it would be cruel to Annie, Mog and Jimmy who were probably frantically preparing for her joyful return.
There was Gabrielle too. She had seen how much the older woman cared for her this morning when they said their goodbyes, and she had such high hopes for Belle’s future back in England.
Belle owed her so much; in fact, but for Gabrielle’s actions her body might have been hauled out of the Seine or lain in a shallow grave for all eternity. Yet it wasn’t just gratitude she felt towards this woman who said so little but had done so much for her. Gabrielle had shown her that it was possible for even the most damaged people to start a new and better life. She told Belle about her time as a whore, about the man cutting her throat and Lisette taking care of her and young Henri. She’d had heartbreak too when the artist she loved died; she said she would have taken her own life too if she hadn’t had Henri to care for.
‘Maybe we will never meet again,’ she said as she embraced Belle. ‘You will always be welcome here of course, but I understand there may be too many bad memories for you to return. But take away in your heart my affection for you, and my hopes that your dreams will come true. You did more for me than you’ll ever know.’
There was no way Belle could turn back now as the train was picking up speed. So she sat down and focused her attention on Noah to prevent herself thinking of Etienne’s tears.
‘Is Lisette going to come to England?’ she asked. Noah had met up with her twice in the past week but he hadn’t said anything much about the meetings.
‘She said she wanted to, but it may prove too daunting for her.’
‘That’s because she may not think you are entirely serious,’ Belle said. ‘A woman with a child needs to feel secure. You must make her feel that way by bombarding her with letters telling her all the best things about London. Promise her that she’s under no obligation to you, yet say you are looking forward to getting to know her son. That should do it.’
Noah smiled. ‘You make it sound so easy. But we had so little time together for me to show her that I am dependable and not a rake.’
‘She would be able to see that just by looking at you,’ Belle said. She had come to look upon Noah as a brother; she liked his openness and enthusiasm, and the way there was nothing hidden or complicated with him. ‘And she’ll have me nearby to tell her about women’s stuff and for her to confide in. Then there’s Mog – she’s going to welcome her with open arms for being so kind to me.’
‘And what about you and Jimmy?’ Noah asked pointedly. ‘That telegram he sent sounded like he was counting the minutes till he saw you.’
Belle winced. She too had sensed that Jimmy was expecting a great deal, and in the light of how she felt about Etienne, that was a huge worry. ‘You must promise me you won’t say much about Etienne to him. Let me find a way to let him down gently.’
‘Give him a chance,’ Noah said pleadingly. ‘As I see it, Etienne is like a tiger; he’s strong, brave and noble, but he’s dangerous too. Jimmy may be more like a domesticated cat, but he’s smart, affectionate, proud, loyal, and he’d fight tooth and nail for you. Don’t shut your heart down to him before you’ve seen him and got to know him again.’
‘No, I won’t,’ Belle said. Then, sitting back in her seat, she closed her eyes and pretended she was going to sleep. She wanted to remember those words Etienne had said in French.
She could understand the first part, that he would brave fire, but she couldn’t translate the rest. The speed with which he came up with the sentence, together with his tears, suggested it was something she’d want to hear, yet if fire was the first thing that came into his head, surely that proved his wife was on his mind?
Belle would never be able to forget her shock and joy when Etienne came hurtling through the door at Pascal’s house. Even in her wildest hopes of rescue she had never once thought of him being her saviour, or that she’d ever see him again. But there were moments too when Philippe came into the room, and he and Etienne were tying Pascal up, that she thought she was dreaming it all. Then all at once she was in the hospital bed, with a doctor giving her something to sleep, and she thought she’d gone mad and imagined it all.
In the days that followed Etienne had been the one who brought her out of shock, distress and hopelessness. Once Noah told her about his wife and children she understood why he was the one person who had the power to help her deal with it all.
She couldn’t help but hope he held deep feelings for her. But perhaps that was just nature’s way of trying to compensate for the trauma she’d suffered. He certainly hadn’t said anything to encourage her hope.
In the last few days as he took her about Paris, he hadn’t so much as hinted that his affection for her was anything more than that of a friend or brother. He hadn’t kissed her again like he had on the way to New Orleans either.
Realistically she was also aware that her own feelings were possibly distorted. She might be placing him on a pedestal because he’d rescued her; he was also the only man who was never likely to throw her past back at her, and that was comforting.
Yet for all she knew, Pascal might have cast such a dark shadow over her that she might discover she was unable to give herself to any man ever again.
It was no good thinking Etienne’s tears meant he had fallen in love with her. He was still grieving, just as she was still haunted by her ordeal with Pascal. They had helped each other in their time of need, and perhaps that was all there was to it.
Belle and Noah walked out of Charing Cross railway station on to the concourse in the Strand in the early evening of the following day. They had stayed the night in Calais because Noah thought it would be too tiring for Belle to attempt to do the journey all in one day.
From the ferry she saw the white cliffs of Dover for the first time. She wondered how many English people over the years had felt choked up at the sight because it meant they were nearly home.
As the train chugged through the Kentish countryside, Belle marvelled at how lush and green everywhere was, and realized that the nearest she’d ever got to countryside before was in parks. It seemed extraordinary that she’d been to America and France, but had never seen a grazing cow or sheep until on this journey home.
As they drew closer to London Belle’s heart started to race, but as the train rattled over Hungerford Bridge and she saw the Thames gleaming pure silver in the sun, the dome of St Paul’s and Big Ben on the Houses of Parliament, she found it hard to stay in her seat for excitement.
The Strand was as busy as it always had been, but Belle noted there were far more motorcars now. Noah had been saying on the train that he wanted one, and he thought it would only be a year or two before they were more common than horses.
As they walked along the Strand and then crossed the road to go up through Covent Garden, Belle began walking faster and faster. ‘Slow down,’ Noah groaned, with a suitcase in each hand. ‘I can’t race with the luggage.’
Belle hardly heard him. She was back on home turf and in wonderland. ‘Everything looks smaller than I remember,’ she said breathlessly. ‘I thought the public houses were so big, the streets so wide, but they are small, even the people seem to have shrunk and grown quieter.’
Noah could only laugh. It all looked, sounded and smelled just the same to him, mucky and weary, wafts of stinking drains and horse droppings. The beggars, drunks, ragged children trying their hand at begging and the street vendors shouting out their wares were all just the same as when he left.
When Belle saw the Ram’s Head she started to run. People stopped to stare at her, and Noah thought that was hardly surprising, for she looked far more Parisian in her grey and white striped dress and jaunty little grey hat than like a girl from Seven Dials.