Beloved (66 page)

She smiled lamely.
"
It
'
s fate, don
'
t you think?
"
she murmured. When Mac continued to remain impassive, she rambled on about Phillip
'
s aunt and uncle and what nice neighbors they
'
d have been for everyone, trying feverishly to defend her decision to sell to Phillip and them.

Finally she shrugged and said,
"
I can
'
t imagine what I was thinking of when I accepted the offer. But you were s
o determined to shut me out ..
.
and Phillip was so persua
siv
e
...
and at the time i
t all seemed so reasonable ...."

"
Because it
was
reasonable,
"
Mac said, sitting up and swinging his legs over the side of her bed.
"
I was wrong about him, obviously,
"
Mac said without looking at her.
"
That
'
s a great offer. I thought he
'
d try to steal the place out from under you. But when his last trick backfired, it must have shaken him. He wants the place more than I thought,
"
Mac added under his breath.

"
For perfectly legitimate reasons!
"
she said.
"
An aunt! An uncle!
"

Mac stood up and reached for his pants. She had to resist an impulse to grab them first and toss them out the window.
"
What are you doing?
"
she asked, not knowing what else to say.

When he answered,
"
Getting dressed,
"
in a flat, unemotional voice
,
it was all she could do not to scream out loud.
"
Are you
crazy?
You can
'
t just walk out from this. You can
'
t just
 
how can you? I don
'
t
want
to sell! Don
'
t you get it? I want to stay here! With you!
"

He yanked the turtleneck over his head and began tucking it in his jeans.
"
You signed a sales agreement,
"
he said, hooking his belt up. An angry flush darkened his cheeks.
"
I don
'
t care if you
'
ve handed it over yet or not. At some point you were perfectly willing to s
e
ll me out.
"
He stopped himself, got his anger back under control.

"
You signed it,
"
he repeated doggedly.
"
Good for you. It
'
s a great offer. Now you can go back to work, for yourself, doing
—
what was it?
—
drawing lipstick and chairs?
"

"
I
'
ve changed my mind!
"
She wanted to stamp her foot but knew instinctively that it would be deadly to do it.
"
I don
'
t want to stay in advertising. I could never go back to that rat race!
"

She pulled her robe more tightly around her, feeling absurdly at a disadvantage now that he was dressed and she wasn
'
t.
"
You think I became part of some master plot against you, Mac. But I asked Phillip
specifically
about what would happen if he ever bought Bing
'
s place, and he swore that things would stay the same for you.
"

"
And you believed him.
"

They were standing face to face now; she could see the distrust, the
sense of being betrayed
in his eyes.
"
Mac
, y
ou have to get over this obsess
ion with Phillip!  T
hat car episode was a lifetime ago; it
'
s water under the bridge. Your
bitterness is eating at you ..
. it won
'
t let you trust anyone.
"

"
You don
'
t know who I trust,
"
he said evenly.
"
Excuse me
—
whom.
"

"
Who, whom, who cares? Only you, Mac. You
'
re the only one. No one else gives a shit.
"

Mistake. She saw the veil come down over his eyes; she saw him withdraw completely from the fray.

"
You
'
re blocking the doorway,
"
he said coldly.

He was walking away. Again. It was more than she could bear. She slammed the door shut behind her, then slapped herself up against it, barring him from leaving.
"
No! I have enough phantoms in my life! This time you stay and we talk about it!
"

He made a sharp, instinctive move for the door, which infuriated her. She grabbed the doorknob ahead of him.
"
Dammit,
Mac
—
can you hate me so much? So soon?
"
Her voice cracked, but she rallied, determined to face him down without resorting to tears.

"
All right,
"
she said calmly.
"
Assume I made a mistake. Assume I
'
m sorry for disappointing you; God knows I am. But I want to know exactly what it is you were hoping I would do. You
'
re so smart. Tell me.
"
She waited for his answer.

His hands were on his hips now, his gaze somewhere above her head. His jaw was clenched tight, always a bad sign. She didn
'
t care. She waited.

"
I don
'
t know!
"
he burst out at last.
"
All I know is what I
didn
'
t
want you to do. I
didn
'
t
want you to sell to
Harrow
, I
didn
'
t
want you to sell to anybody else, I
didn
'
t
want you to leave the island.
"

"
Well, what did you think I was going to do? Keep on wallpapering this place for the rest of my life, waiting for you?
"

"
You? Wait? Your idea of waiting is letting the A&P doors swing open instead of crashing through the glass. Let
'
s face it, lady. Patient, you
'
re not.
"

"
I would wait!
"
she shot back.
"
I would wait if I knew what I was waiting for! But
you
can
'
t run from me fast enough. Tell me
—
w
hat would I be waiting for? You to save up your courage?
"

"
Me to save up my
money,
you twit! Don
'
t you listen, ever? I
'
m teetering on Chapter 11! Let me try it one more time:
I can
'
t afford you.
Your mother sees it plain enough. Why are
you
so blind? I couldn
'
t afford Celeste, and I can
'
t afford you.
Period.
"

"
Oh, this is too Victorian for words!
"
she said, contempt vying with the faintest glimmer of hope.
"
I
'
d be willing to struggle right along with you, but you
—
were you planning to save up until you could afford to feed a proper family?
By then I
'
ll be
too
old to
actually have
a proper family!
"

When she thought about it later, she realized that right there was where she
'
d lost the war. She
'd belittled his old-
fashioned values; she
'
d demonstrated spectacular impatience; and she
'
d grabbed the reins right out of his hands. Not to mention, she sounded like a clinging maniac
.

Still, she could have lived with the episode if Mac had just said something before he walked out; if he had called her a jerk, or a pie-eyed optimist; anything but nothing. Now she had to live with that awful sentence hanging in the air between them, her exit line off the island:
By then I
'
ll be
too
old to
have
a proper family.

Jane was still in her robe and pajamas, her hair uncombed, her eyes red from crying, when the knock on the
door came the next morning. She knew who it was: Phillip Harrow, come for his signed agreement. She dragged herself to the door like someone nursing a massive hangover.

Phillip looked surprised and puzzled.
"
I
'
m
sorry,
"
he said, all but smacking his head in remorse.
"
I
'
ve got our time wrong.
"

"
No,
"
she said with a sigh.
"
Come in.
"
She motioned to him to take a seat in one of the wicker chairs in the redone front room.
"
I just had a bad night, that
'
s all.
"

"
I
'
m sorry to hear that. Nothing that can
'
t be fixed, I hope.
"

"
Not this time,
"
she said, aching from her thoroughly broken heart.
"
You
'
ve come for the agreement, Phillip. There it is.
"
She pointed to the unstamped envelope still lying on the half-round table near the front door.
"
But I won
'
t be selling Lilac Cottage to you.
"

He gave her a cautious, puzzled smile.
"
True enough; you
'
ll be selling it to my aunt and uncle.
"

She took the chair opposite his.
"
Not to them, and not to you. I
'
m so sorry, Phillip; I feel like such an awful fool. I know that you
'
ve got to find a place quickly for your relations, and I know that the cottage would be perfect for them in some ways. But I
'
m just not ready to sell yet. My emotions are a mess right now,
"
she said disconsolately, trying not to weep.

But the tears ran down anyway. Phillip, looking disconcerted, reached into his pocket and handed her a clean linen handkerchief.
"
I understand,
"
he said awkwardly.
"
You
'
ve grown attached to the place.
You need a little more time
.
"

"
And even if I were going to sell,
"
she admitted,
"
it couldn
'
t be to you. Mac would never forgive me.
"

"
Mac! What has Mac
'
s forgiveness got to do with all this?
"
Phillip asked, surprised.

She blew her nose and pulled herself together.
"
He
'
s obsessed with his
access problem. I guess he ..
. prefers that you not be holding all the cards,
"
she said diplomatically.