Bend Me, Break Me (26 page)

But then,

You reach again,

And again,

And again,

So many cuts,

So many shattered bits of me,

You don’t care,

You’re going to put me together anyway,

Even if it breaks you in the process.

They were poems about someone I didn’t know anymore. I would never be able to think about Coen like that again. Our potential romance snuffed out, like a candle in a drafty room. I was done. Done with him, done with all of it.

Lacey knocked on my door the next afternoon and I made the mistake of answering. I’d skipped class. It didn’t seem to matter anymore. I just didn’t care.

“Hey, you okay?” I hadn’t needed to look in the mirror to know that I looked terrible. Didn’t matter.

“Yeah, fine. What do you want?” I knew I was being mean and it wasn’t her fault that I was in this mess, but I couldn’t soften my hard edges. I was tired. So tired.

“I just wanted to see if you maybe wanted to get something to eat or hang out or something.” Her eyes narrowed and I could feel her assessing me like a nurse would. I hated it, so I closed my eyes and sighed.

“I’m not really in the mood. I’ll see you later.” I started to shut the door in her face, but she stuck her foot out and stopped me.

“Look, I know we don’t really know each other, but I know someone who’s having a hard time when I see them. I’m seriously worried about you, Ingrid. I’m about ready to take you to the hospital and hook you up to an IV myself.” God, why couldn’t everyone just leave me alone?

“Whatever,” I said. “I don’t fucking care anymore.” My shoulders slumped and I found that I was being embraced.

“Come on,” she said as she helped me toward my bed, tucked me in and then set about trying to get me to eat and asking me probing personal questions about my health.

I answered because it was too much work to try to fight.

“Did something happen?” she asked and the cup of tea shook as I brought it to my lips.

“Yes.”

“Something with Coen?” I nodded. “Do you want to talk about it?” I shook my head.

“It must have been pretty bad to put you in this state.” I shrugged.

“Did he hurt you?” I knew what she was asking.

“Not like that. He lied to me about everything. He wasn’t the person I thought he was.” She made a sympathetic sound and then told me she’d be right back with the threat that if I moved from my bed, she would hunt me down.

I followed orders and just sipped my tea.

She came back with a candle, a bottle of wine, and a bottled drink that turned out to be some sort of protein shake.

“Drink this,” she said, handing me the shake. It was strawberry flavored and not too bad. Once I finished it, she lit the candle and then got two clean coffee cups and poured us each some wine.

“Okay, let’s talk.” She flopped on the bed next to me and settled in, as if she was staying for a sleepover.

“How about no,” I said, sipping the wine. It was red, but sweet. Like berries.

“Okay, fine, I’ll talk. So, the last girl I dated turned out to be straight. Talk about a lesbian cliché.” She rolled her eyes.

“Is it?”

She snorted.

“Yeah, it is. Falling for straight girls. Anyway, I fell head over heels and then she broke up with me and started dating a guy and told me that she’d just been curious. I’ve been dealing with my poor shattered heart ever since.” I drank the wine slowly. I didn’t want to overdo it.

The scent of the candle slowly filled the room. Lavender. Light and calming.

“That sucks,” I said.

“Pretty much.” She kept talking, telling me about all her failed relationships, even those she’d had with guys in high school. It was more information than I really needed to know, but she just kept talking.

Something about Lacey just made me relax. Made me feel like I was safe. In the back of my mind, a voice reminded me of Coen and how he’d hurt me.

And as soon as I’d thought about him, I started talking. At first I tried to keep things general, but eventually the whole story came out. Lacey reached out and took my hands, giving me something to ground myself as I talked.

“And now I don’t know what to do. I’m so, so angry at him. But then there’s the way I felt about him. Was that a lie? He told me it was real and it felt real.” He couldn’t fake the way our kisses made my heart race. And the sparks that burst on my skin when he touched me. Or the flips that my stomach did when he smiled at me.

“Wow. That was… not what I’d expected.” I’d told her about my family as well. There was no way to tell her about Coen and avoid that.

“I am so sorry that happened to you, Ingrid.” She leaned forward and gave me another hug, patting my back. She was going to be an excellent nurse.

“Thanks,” I said. When I pulled back, I didn’t see pity in her eyes and it was a relief.

“Someday, you might want to write a book,” she said and I almost laughed.

“I don’t think anyone would want to read it. Too depressing.”

“You don’t know that. Your story isn’t over yet.” It felt like it was.

“And as far as Coen is concerned, do what feels right. I’m definitely not going to tell you that you have to talk to him, or forgive him or anything. That’s your call to make.” I finished the wine and held my empty cup out for more. She poured it and I felt the warmth of the wine start to thaw me from the inside out. I was still cold when I’d gotten back to my room. I’d covered myself in blankets, but they hadn’t done any good.

“Thank you. For everything,” I said and she just waved her hand.

“That’s what friends do for one another.” Friends. The word meant so many things.

It took me several days of recovery before I was able to get up and go to class. Even when I did, I didn’t take notes or pay attention. My grades were going to be awful this semester. But I was going to keep going. I had to at least graduate for my parents. They’d wanted it so much for me.

Coen wasn’t in class for over a week and when he did show up, I wanted to cry. He looked terrible. Probably what I’d looked like on that day when Lacey brought the wine. She’d been checking in on me every day since, making sure I was eating and we’d talk about this and that.

I almost didn’t see him when he walked in because his hair was greasy and in his eyes. Not in a good way. His shoulders were rounded as if he had caved in on himself.

I imagined running up to him and throwing my arms around him and saying that I forgave him. That I still wanted him in my life. Telling him that I thought I had been falling in love with him.

That was what I realized when I was talking with Lacey. That even if it had all been a lie, that part had been real. I’d fallen slowly, almost against my will, but I had fallen nonetheless. The smile, the light in his eyes, the way he got me to laugh even when I didn’t want to. His sweet presents and just… him. It was just Coen. Everything about him.

He didn’t look for me. Just took a seat in the back and didn’t so much as glance in my direction.

It was the same the next class and the next. In some ways, it was like going back to the way things were before I met him, and in other ways it wasn’t. We could never go back to not knowing one another. He’d made an indelible mark on my life, whether he intended to or not. That wasn’t going to go away and my hurt and anger couldn’t erase it.

At the end of our last class before Thanksgiving break, I couldn’t take it anymore. He’d darted out of the room as soon as the professor had dismissed us and I raced up the stairs to follow him. I had no idea what I was doing, but I needed to talk to him.

“Coen!” I called as I pushed through the doors. I’d yelled so loud that people walking by stared at me. I ignored them.

“Coen!” He stopped, but didn’t turn around. I walked until I was just behind him and then I tapped him on the shoulder.

He turned slowly and the look in his eyes made me want to cry and kiss his cheeks and hold him close. For a moment we just stared at each other and then I spoke.

“Will you have coffee with me?”

I couldn’t believe it. After weeks of silence, she had called my name. I thought I’d imagined it at first, but then she said it again. I didn’t face her until she tapped me on the shoulder and then asked me if we could have coffee together. I almost broke down completely then. Was so close to completely losing it.

But I swallowed and followed her to the coffee shop where we’d first talked. Only this time, she got coffee for me and tea for herself and brought it over, pushing it toward me. I waited for her to speak first.

“I’m still mad at you. So mad. You did a shitty thing, Coen. You hurt me and it’s going to take me a long time to come back from that. You betrayed me. You, the only person I trusted.” I took the verbal lashing with my head bowed. I deserved every word and more.

She stopped and then took a breath.

“But. The only thing worse than deciding to forgive you and becoming friends with you would be never being friends with you again. So even though I’m probably an idiot, I want us to be friends again.” I looked up and wondered if I was hallucinating. She couldn’t be saying the words I thought she was saying.

“What?”

A slow smile crept onto her face.