Bend Me, Break Me (9 page)

“Are you okay?” he asked, his hand reaching out to steady me. Apparently I was weaving on my feet.

“Yeah, sure,” I said, but my voice was as weak as a whisper. Against my will, I let Coen lead me away from the door to our class and toward an alcove that had a bench.

“Here, sit,” he said, his arm still supporting me. I leaned on him involuntarily.

His concern was palpable. It almost had a smell. I didn’t like it, but I couldn’t help but respond.

“Hey,” he said and I realized I had drifted off. It was like sleeping with your eyes open. I’d been here before.

“Are you sick?” he asked. I didn’t have enough energy to shake my head so I didn’t answer.

“Okay, this is not happening.” A moment later I wasn’t sitting on the bench. I was being held and we were moving. Coen was carrying me.

“Where are we going?” I mumbled as people stared at us.

“To my place. It’s the closest.”

He carried me all the way to his room, not letting me down, not even in the elevator. I was placed on his bed and then he put his hand on my forehead.

“You don’t feel warm. You feel cold, actually. Holy shit, your hands are like ice,” he said. I blinked at him and noticed just how much his hair got in his eyes.

Coen wrapped me in blankets. I couldn’t tell him that no matter how many blankets he used, I would never be warm again. Hot tea was thrust into my hand and he stood and watched as I drank one cup and then another.

“You’re not okay, Ingrid. It’s a wonder you even made it to class. You know you can talk to me, right? We’re friends.” No, I couldn’t talk to him. I couldn’t talk to anyone.

I turned my face away from him and looked at the wall. There was a chip in the paint that showed this room had been a light blue before it was painted the current off white.

“Ingrid? Please talk to me,” he said and something about his voice made me look back at him. Were there tears in his eyes? No. I must have imagined that part. Everything had a hazy quality, as if seen through a filter.

“I’m really worried about you.” I was worried about me, but there was nothing I could do to change it. Nothing.

He reached out and smoothed some of my hair back. Something about that simple touch was so genuine that I thawed, just a fraction.

“You can stay here as long as you want. I don’t care about missing class. Are you hungry? I still have some of the vegan stuff I bought the other day.” He rushed to his closet and pulled out boxes and then went to the fridge and pulled things out. Before I could speak, the bed was covered in vegan snacks and fruit and peanut butter.

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d eaten.

“Peanut butter is fine,” I said. I ate it with a spoon all the time. He gave me a look and then grabbed a box of crackers. I watched as he made me a paper plateful of cracker sandwiches and then presented them to me with an apple on the side and another cup of tea.

“I can’t eat all that,” I said. Now that I realized I was hungry, it was to the point that I was nauseated.

“It’s okay. We can share,” he said, pushing the other boxes and food items aside so he could sit on the edge of the bed by my feet. He set the plate between us. We each reached for one of the little sandwiches at the same time.

“Do you want to talk about anything? Or not talk? We can watch more
Justified
.” I knew he was trying to be nice, but letting him do that wasn’t easy for me. It should have been, but it wasn’t.

I ate and then cleared my throat.

“I’m just stressed lately. Haven’t been sleeping well.” He didn’t seem to buy it even a little bit.

“Would you do me the courtesy of coming up with a better lie? I mean, I know we haven’t known each other long, but I know that you’re not a very good liar.” He was right. I never had been. Jess would always hate me for it when Mom and Dad would bust us because I couldn’t lie about where we’d been to their faces.

I choked on the bite of cracker in my mouth and Coen had to bang me on the back with his fist and get me a glass of water before I could breathe normally again.

I hadn’t been letting thoughts like that form for months. Every now and then one would slip through and bloom in my mind. I would stare at it for a moment, like a beautiful flower, then stomp on it and crush it, brushing away the petals and pretending it never existed.

Coen’s bed was a mess from the cracker crumbs that I’d spewed everywhere, but I couldn’t get up. I brushed at them feebly and he took care of the rest.

“What happened just then?” he asked.

“Uh, I choked on a cracker?” I said.

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “Before that. Something happened. I could read it all over your face.”

This was why I didn’t let anyone in my life. Because once they started to make their way in, they ask questions like this. Questions I wasn’t going to answer, and that they would keep asking. I wanted him to stop asking. I wanted to go back to us talking about vegan pizza.

“Nothing,” I said, my voice full of bite.

“Look, I’m not trying to be an asshole, but there’s no way I’m letting you go back to your room without talking to me. I could just take you to the student health center. They’d take one look at you and probably have you hooked up to an IV. It’s up to you, Ingrid.” This was side of him I hadn’t seen yet.

I definitely didn’t like it.

“Don’t take me there,” I said, my voice rasping.

“Then tell me what’s wrong. I just want to help you. God, I want so much to help you.” Emotion choked him and he looked away. I wondered if he was going to cry. Why did he care? Why did he care about the broken girl who shared one class with him?

Finally, I sighed and closed my eyes. I couldn’t look at him anymore.

“I’m tired. I’m so, so tired, Coen.” His name tasted both new and familiar in my mouth. I liked his name. Something like Nick or Brian wouldn’t have worked for him. His name fit him perfectly.

Soft, warm fingers brushed my forehead.

“Then sleep. You can sleep here as long as you want, Ingrid.” I opened my eyes and then closed them again. And slept.

I was scared out of my fucking mind for her. Her pain was something I couldn’t even begin to comprehend. It was in every part of her. It beat in her blood and was written all over her face. I wasn’t qualified to help her try to carry it, but goddamn, I was going to try.

She slept, at last. It took a while, but eventually her face relaxed and I saw, for a little while, the girl she must have been a few years ago. Her hands curled under her chin as she dreamed and I hoped they were good dreams. I didn’t want to be the kind of creep who watched her sleeping, so I hung out on Marty’s bed and did homework and when my brain wouldn’t focus on anything but her, I watched movies with my earbuds in, checking on her every few minutes. Not once did she toss or turn, or mutter.

I nearly murdered Marty when he slammed through the door, but she didn’t move.

“Sorry,” he whispered when he saw her and slowly backed out, saying “text me when it’s okay to come back.” I gave him a thumbs up and he returned it before shutting the door softly. I didn’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t had a roommate like him. Someone who would just change his plans at the last second because I needed him to. I was going to have to do something to thank him.

I had some snacks and when it turned late and it was time for dinner, I ordered another vegan pizza. I’d really liked the last one. I’d consumed the rest of the slices after she’d left.

At seven, Ingrid’s eyes fluttered open and then went wide. She didn’t know where she was.

“Hey,” I said, staying on the other side of the room. “Do you remember where you are?” Her eyes settle on me with an unfathomable expression. She was so soft in that moment. So soft that it made something pound, deep in my chest. I wanted nothing more than to cross the room and crawl into bed with her, wrapping my arms around her to keep her safe.

“What time is it?” Her voice still had a hint of roughness.

“Ten after seven,” I said, pointing at the clock on my bookshelf.

“Shit,” she said, trying to sit up. I got up and put my hands out for her to stop.

“It’s fine, it’s fine. I said you could stay as long as you wanted. If you’re still tired, you can stay. It’s not a big deal. Are you hungry? I got vegan pizza.” I pointed to the open box next to me. I hadn’t been able to wait to eat, but I’d saved her a few slices.

“No, no, I should go.” She pushed the covers off and tried to get up, but her legs were still unable to support her. I had to dive forward to catch her so she didn’t collapse to the floor. I set her back down on the bed in a sitting position and then sat next to her. She smelled like… something I couldn’t put my finger on. It was flowery, but also dark. Her hair was all over the place and her eyes were a little puffy.

She was still the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

I snapped my eyes away from her face so she wouldn’t think I was staring.

“Ingrid. Really. It’s okay.” Her eyes half-closed and I thought she might be drifting off again, but then they opened and she looked right into me.

“I haven’t slept that long in months. Actually, I don’t remember when it was that I slept so long. A while ago.” This time she did drift and I thought I knew exactly the last time she had slept through the night. I knew the date, the day of the week, what the weather had been, at least where I was.

Ingrid and I were tied together by that day. By something that someone else had done. She might not know it, but I did.

“Why?” I asked, even though I knew.

She shrugged one shoulder.

“Some things happened. I don’t want to talk about them.”

“That’s fine,” I said, but I wanted her to. I wanted her to feel like she could trust me. I wanted it so much it was like a physical ache.

Suddenly, she let out something like a cousin to a laugh. A little, breathless thing that lasted for only a moment.

“I get it,” she said. “I finally get it.” She wouldn’t look up at me, instead concentrating on her hands. There were a few freckles on the backs of them. I wanted to take one of her purple pens and connect them to make constellations on her skin.

“Get what?” I asked. Her eyes came up to my face.

“Why you’re so obsessed with me.” I raised both eyebrows, but inside, I was panicked. What if she figured me out? That would be disastrous. It would be the end.

“And why is that?” I said, trying to be playful.

“I’m mysterious,” she said. She wiggled her fingers in front of my face and the right side of her mouth drew up. Was that a smirk? Did Ingrid just smirk at me?

“Oh, is that what you think it is?” After so many intense moments, this moment of levity was like a cool drink for a parched throat.

“Definitely. What else could it be?” I wasn’t going to answer that.

“You got me,” I said, putting my hands up as if I surrendered. “I’m a sucker for a mystery.”

She nodded and I thought I spotted another smile, but it was gone quickly, stuffed away behind rigid lips.

“Thank you,” she said, so quietly that I almost didn’t catch it.

“You’re very welcome, Ingrid. Anytime.” I got up and brought her some pizza and a glass of water. I had the feeling she hadn’t been eating much recently.

She carefully ate two slices and had two water refills. The color in her cheeks come back.

“You must think I’m crazy,” she said.

“No. I don’t think that at all.” I wouldn’t think that about anyone, least of all her.

“Liar.”

“I’m not lying. Look at me.” I would never get used to the way her eyes seared into me.

“I don’t think you’re crazy, Ingrid. Not even a little bit.” Her eyes narrowed and I could tell she was assessing if I was telling the truth or not.

“Okay,” she finally said. “I believe you.”

“Good.”

She said she had homework to do, especially since she’d missed all her classes, so I offered to walk her back to her dorm room, which she accepted.

“If you need anything, I want you to text or call me. No matter how silly it seems, or how later or early it is,” I said when we got to the door to her building.

She stared at me again, trying to figure out if I was lying. I wasn’t. Again.

“Sure,” she said, turning away, but she stopped and faced me again.

“Thank you.” She’d already said it, but I still liked hearing it.

“You’re welcome, Ingrid. Have a good night.” She waved at me with her fingertips and vanished inside the building.

I walked back to my room slowly, texting Marty that he could come back.

He did, and he had a wide grin on his face.

“So you sealed the deal. Well done!” He held his hand up for a fist bump, but it took me a second to realize what he thought had happened.

“It wasn’t like that. She wasn’t feeling well, so I brought her here to crash for a little while. That’s it. Nothing else. Well, I got her pizza, but other than that, nothing happened.”

Marty gave me a puzzled look.

“So she slept in your bed? Just sleeping? You didn’t even get a kiss?” I shook my head and so did Marty.

“It’s fine. That’s not what I’m after with her. I mean, yes, that would be great, but it’s not everything.” Marty just gave me a sad look as he crashed onto his bed.

“Whatever you say. But I’m sure you’re getting tired of having do everything yourself,” he said while miming jerking off. I grabbed one of my pillows and threw it at him. He caught it effortlessly, as I knew he would.

“It’s not like that, Marty. How many times do I have to say that?”

“Enough times that I might actually believe you?” The pillow came sailing back toward me and I caught it.

My bed smelled like Ingrid and I couldn’t help but feel happy about that. My phone rang, startling me. It was my mom.

“Hey, Mom,” I said. Marty rolled his eyes. He wasn’t close with his family and couldn’t really understand why I still was.

“Hey, sweetheart. How are you doing?” I told her things were going fine. I hadn’t mentioned Ingrid or anything to do with her. If I did, she would know why I came here and what I was doing and I knew she would tell me not to do it. Try to talk me out of it.

That wasn’t going to happen. Nothing would stop me. Not even her.

I told her about my classes and mentioned Marty. He yelled hello at her and Mom updated me on things going on at home, including the latest trouble my brother had gotten into. She wasn’t at her wits’ end with him, but getting there. Ike was still pretty young. He’d get his shit together in time for graduation. Hopefully.

She told me she loved me and then hung up. Marty was watching me.

“You tell your mom everything, but not about the girl?” I was hoping he hadn’t caught onto my omission of anything Ingrid-related.

“Yeah, I don’t exactly discuss my relationships with her. She still thinks of me as her little boy. I’m pretty sure she thinks that I still think girls have cooties.” He snorted.

“Oh, man, that is fucking adorable.” He seemed to buy it, so I let it go and we talked about other things. He invited me to another party and I said I would go, minus Ingrid.

“She’s just not into that kind of stuff.”

“Maybe she would be if you invited her. Maybe she thinks that you don’t want to be seen in public with her.” That definitely wasn’t the case, but I knew Marty was going to pester me about it for the rest of the week.

I couldn’t catch a break, but I would go through it all a thousand times over if it meant that I could do what I came here to do.

For her.