Beneath the Surface (30 page)

The sun was creeping into the window again, the road blurring ahead of her. Kathryn’s head was swimming. She should probably pull over but she had to keep going.

Her mother had told her about the house in Mull Bay. Kathryn assumed it was for them: a safe house. In her rush she had packed their bags hastily the day they left for Mull Bay, scooped up every single thing the girls had before scurrying away. Just until things settled down, of course. Because she knew she had heard Abigail telling her she would do something awful.

But had she heard that? Only now she couldn’t actually remember Abigail saying anything like that at all.

‘I’ve written this for Abigail.’ Kathryn had passed her mother an envelope when Eleanor turned up, a day later. She still wanted to explain herself to her daughter.

There was fog ahead. They didn’t usually get fog in July; everything was hazy, it felt like she was in a desert. Kathryn really couldn’t see that well at all.

Eleanor had stuffed the envelope in her pocket. She had later told Kathryn that Abigail wasn’t interested.

A horn blasted her. Not just one, they were all doing it, drivers staring at her and waving their arms as they overtook on the inside lane.

‘Slow down,’ she mouthed back.

In her heart she had known she shouldn’t leave, not really, and yet she had.

‘What is it?’ she screamed, swerving back into the inside lane, narrowly missing a red fiesta. ‘You get out of my way then,’ she called to the young girl sticking a finger up at her.

*****

Kathryn wasn’t sure how she made it to Elms Home. Getting out of the car, she stretched her arms above her head, locking her hands behind her neck, and took a moment to calm herself down before going into the home. She watched a girl run out of the home and back to her car. Her long dark hair swished behind her as she sank into the driver’s seat and closed the door behind her. The girl looked so like Abigail. There was something about her movements so familiar they took Kathryn’s breath away. But of course it couldn’t be her: it must be her mind, playing its usual tricks.

The car drove off and Kathryn made her way to the front door. She sensed both Patricia’s surprise and irritation when she opened the door, but Kathryn cut her off before she was able to say anything.

‘I need to see my mother.’

‘She’s resting. I’ve just left her room. Eleanor’s exhausted so I think it’s best if you let her sleep.’

‘But I need to see her,’ said Kathryn, pushing past her into the hallway.

‘I said she needs to rest. She’s had a very busy day and looks quite pale. I don’t think—’

‘I
have
to. You can’t stop me. Hannah’s in hospital and … I have to see her.’

Kathryn knew her voice was rising but she would shout if she had to.

‘Hannah’s in hospital?’ Patricia’s voice softened. ‘What happened? Is she OK?’

‘No.’ Kathryn waved her hand dismissively. ‘I don’t know. That’s not why I’m here, I need to talk to her about something else.’

Patricia bent her head to one side. ‘Not today, Kathryn,’ she said firmly.

Kathryn was about to shove past her and go up to her mother’s room anyway when her mobile started ringing. She fumbled in her bag and pulled it out: Morrie’s name flashed across the screen.

‘Morrie?’

‘Hannah’s awake. You really need to come back.’

‘Why, has something happened?’

‘No, she’s been down for another scan and the bleeding has decreased, which is really good news, but it shouldn’t be me telling you this. You need to be here,’ he continued. ‘This isn’t fair on either of them. You can’t keep running, Kathryn.’

‘They won’t let me see my mother,’ she cried out.

There was a deep sigh at the other end of the line. ‘You don’t need to.’

‘But—’

‘Your responsibility is right here, at the hospital. Hannah is asking where you are,’ he said. ‘This is your chance to make it right, Kathryn. You
have
to come back for the girls.’

Kathryn looked at Patricia determinedly watching her, glanced up the stairs towards her mother’s room and wavered. She knew what she should do and that was turn back and put her daughters first, however hard that might be, yet she still didn’t know if she could.

Dear Adam,

Kathryn never spoke of the sea. We had always lived in London and our holidays were mostly spent at Eleanor’s house in the country. The sea wasn’t part of her – I don’t think I ever saw her swim. Yet she chose to build herself a life beside it in a bay so beautiful and idyllic. What a perfect contrast to the life she left me living.

You used to say to me, ‘One day, Abi, we should leave this city behind us and find ourselves a little shack away from the bustle and smog.’ Of course you saw us surrounded by a flock of little Abigails and Adams and so I could never fully buy into the picture, but I liked the idea, and I would let you draw me our future from your imagination.

You would love Mull Bay. I would like it if we could move to the sea now and live in your dream. If we lived in Mull Bay we could sit on the clifftop every evening and watch the sea as the sun set over the hills behind us.

*****

After my visit to Eleanor yesterday I looked up Mull Bay. It was a tiny dot on the map and when I pulled up directions I knew I would have to be careful not to miss it. I left the hotel early this morning and drove north. It took me two hours by the time I’d taken a few wrong turns and twice circled another village.

As soon as I entered Mull Bay I was drawn to its heart: the bay itself. All roads lead to it. I parked the car and walked down to the beach. It was cathartic to finally be clearing my head of Eleanor and focusing on what to do next. But as soon as I reached the sea, I realised I didn’t know what to do next. I needed to think carefully before I threw myself back into their lives.

I wore my sunglasses and the straw hat I had bought three years ago in Crete – I didn’t want her recognising me before I knew what I wanted to say. I sat down on a cluster of rocks where I intended to make my plan, and watched the sea gently roll in and out again. It was mesmerising. Two surfers ambled down the steps, chatting, oblivious to me watching them. Apart from a couple of fishermen at the other end of the bay they were the first people I’d seen. They were young and carefree and I found myself envying them the life they had.

They paddled out to sea lying on their boards, waiting for something to happen, and even though the sea wasn’t as calm as now, I still didn’t know what they were waiting for. It didn’t seem like the type of day to be surfing. The waves that sporadically rolled to shore were low and when the one with blond hair jumped onto his board it carried him only metres before he slipped back into the water. I watched them for at least half an hour, wondering if this was all they had to do in Mull Bay – surf on calm waters.

When they eventually came out they were deep in conversation, the blond animatedly waving his arms about as if making a point. And then I heard her name: Hannah. My head snapped up and I strained to hear him because they were walking away, towards a pile of clothes strewn on the sand. ‘Hannah,’ he said it again. I got up and followed. ‘I want to go back and see her but her mother won’t let me anywhere near,’ he added.

Was this my Hannah they were talking about?

‘Yeah, well, she always was a mad old cow,’ the shorter one piped up. ‘Maybe you should speak to Lauren.’

I held my breath, picking up step so I could get closer to them.

‘Look, there’s Morrie,’ said the first. I followed his gaze towards the fishing boats and caught sight of a man bending over a boat. ‘I’ll see if he can pass Hannah a message, he’s bound to go in later.’

The shorter guy turned and noticed me lingering. ‘All right?’ he said.

‘Yes. Morning,’ I said and scurried past them to the steps, where I waited until they’d spoken to Morrie, deciding I would then speak to him myself. Wherever they were, it sounded like he would be seeing them himself, even if Kathryn was keeping the boys away.

*****

Morrie is the double of your Uncle Mitch. I couldn’t believe how similar they look. Grey wisps of hair against a tanned, weathered face. Bushy eyebrows I’d love to get my tweezers on. Deep blue eyes that pierced through me. As soon as he turned and smiled at me I felt at ease. Not many people have such a warm and open face as Mitch but I was pleased to have found another one.

He saw me approaching his boat and stopped what he was doing, stretching and rubbing the base of his spine as if it was causing him pain.

‘Hello,’ I said, ‘I’m looking for an old friend, and I heard you might be able to help me.’

‘I’ll be happy to see what I can do,’ he said, holding his hand out for me to shake. ‘Morrie.’

‘Abi,’ I said, taking it. ‘Do you have some time?’ I asked. ‘I don’t want to disturb you if you’re in the middle of something.’ I nodded towards the pot of paint perched on the side of his boat, brushes poking out of it.

‘Nothing that can’t wait,’ he smiled, grabbing a paper towel and rubbing it over his hands. ‘Now who is it you’re looking for?’

‘Her name’s Kathryn,’ I said. ‘She’s got two daughters, and I know they live here, I’m just not sure where exactly.’

‘Oh,’ he said, before adding, ‘Oh? And you said your name was—?’

‘Abi.’

Morrie nodded, and his smile faltered slightly. ‘Abigail,’ he said eventually. ‘That’s what Kathryn called you so it didn’t click at first. But I can see it,’ he said. ‘You look like her.’ He carried on nodding. ‘You’re also the image of Hannah.’

I realised my mouth had dropped open as I stared at him, but I didn’t have a clue what to say. Had Kathryn told him? I couldn’t believe she would. Yet …

‘Tell you what, Abi,’ he said. ‘I was just thinking I could do with a bite to eat. How about we head to the diner up there and we can chat? I could do with an excuse to take a break.’

I nodded mutely and waited for him to tidy his paintbrushes, wiping them against the paper towel he had used on his hands before wrapping them in a plastic bag and setting them carefully on the deck of his boat.

We walked up the steps to the top of the cliff and towards the diner he had pointed out from the beach. All the while he talked to me, telling me they hadn’t seen a summer so hot in years and how the kids still didn’t realise they needed to top up the sun cream. He pointed out a boy with a sunburnt chest to prove his point and then changed the subject, asking me what I did for a living and where I lived.

At the diner the woman behind the counter laughed when he placed our order.

‘Morrie, that has to be the third time you’ve ordered a bacon sarnie this week! Oh, and by the way, are you OK to look at our garage tonight?’

I took my Diet Coke and thanked him, all the while wanting to say, ‘Will you just tell me what you know,’ but at the same time I knew I had to pace myself. He knew my family and I needed him to help me.

‘So, Kathryn’s talked about me?’ I asked, when we found a table outside.

Morrie nodded. ‘Only yesterday.’

‘Are you friends?’

‘I’ve known the family a long time. I’ve got a lot of time for them – the girls are lovely.’

‘I guess you know who I am, then?’ I asked.

‘I believe you’re Kathryn’s daughter,’ he replied.

‘What else did she tell you?’

‘I hope she told me the truth. That you’re Hannah’s mother?’

I nodded. ‘And she only told you this yesterday? That’s a big coincidence.’

‘It does feel odd,’ Morrie agreed. ‘But sadly it all came about because Hannah found out the truth,’ he said. ‘Yesterday morning.’

‘So she knows about me?’ I gasped

‘Yes.’ He looked out to the sea. ‘As you can imagine she was extremely upset. She took off and had an accident. Hannah’s in hospital, I’m afraid,’ he said, turning back. ‘She’s going to be fine but she’s been through the mill a bit.’

‘What happened?’

‘She took a car belonging to her boyfriend’s father and drove it off. I don’t know where she was going. But she can’t drive.’

It was too much to take in.

‘Where’s the hospital?’ I asked. All I could think of was my baby finding out about me and ending up in hospital. I had to see her. She must be so frightened; I needed to tell her it was going to be OK.

Morrie took a sip of his tea and carefully placed the mug back on the table.

‘This isn’t my place to say, but I think the last thing you should do is turn up now.’

‘But I have to see her,’ I said. ‘I’ve finally found them and you tell me she’s in hospital. You can’t expect me to walk away.’

‘No, but she’s poorly, and if you want all this to work out OK, I’m just saying I don’t think now is the right time.’

‘Is there ever going to be a right time?’

‘Maybe not, but here’s what I know. Hannah didn’t know anything about you until yesterday morning. As soon as she did, she ended up in hospital. She needs time to get her head around what she found out and also to recover physically. Then there’s Lauren – she doesn’t know any of it yet. She will, but Kathryn needs to tell her. Lauren is devastated by her sister’s accident. Those girls are as close as real twins could ever be and they’re going to need time to adjust to this.’

‘But what if they don’t adjust?’

‘They will,’ said Morrie, smiling gently at me.

‘You don’t know that.’

‘I know them,’ he said. ‘And I know that once they can work this out, you’ll all be in a much better place to meet.’

‘But I’m so close,’ I cried out. ‘I don’t know how I can leave again, not now I’m here and I know they’re—’ I sighed and shook my head. ‘I need to see them.’