Benevolent (12 page)

“Not much. Hey, have you ever been to Oysters on the Half Shell?”

“The new bar that just took over Dave’s? No, why?”

“Because I went there with the guys last night and had way too much to drink. Met some chick and then fucked her in the parking lot. I swear to Christ if she gave me some fucking disease, I’ll wring her neck with my bare hands.”

I was stunned for a moment before my brain kicked back in with question after question. “You know they make condoms, right?”

“There was no time for that.”

“You’re a fucking idiot. If she gave you something, you deserve it. But I thought you were dating Eden?” If he came back saying he was, I’d wring his with my bare hands.

“No, she dumped me last week.” He didn’t sound too broken up about it, especially if he was out fucking some whore in a parking lot less than a week later. He really disgusted me. I was so thankful I didn’t live like him, and wondered how we were even friends in the first place. I was just happy Eden wasn’t still seeing him.

“Gotcha. Hey, man, I’ve got another call coming in. Let me hit you up later,” I said and then disconnected the line.

Just then, Eden walked into my office. “Who was that?” she asked.

“Eddy. Why didn’t you tell me you broke things off with him?”

“I didn’t know I needed to run my relationship status by you.”

“Well, you don’t, I was just wondering because he’s my friend and all.” I really didn’t like calling him my friend. He was before I met Eden, but after knowing he dated her and tried to sleep with her, I didn’t care for him too much. I was sure had it been someone else, I wouldn’t have cared, but it was Eden. And for some reason, everything about her became personal.

“I guess I figured you’d find out from him. I didn’t want to make it sound like I broke things off because of you or anything.”

“I didn’t think that.” I had hoped it might have been because of that, but didn’t assume. “Why did you then?” I waited as she stared back at me, like she wasn’t going to answer. “We’re friends, right? Isn’t this the kind of shit friends talk about? Like don’t you chicks just sit around talking about guys and relationship and sex all day?”

I got her to laugh and it felt good to hear. “No, that’s not all we talk about. But if that’s how we’re going to play it, he sucked in bed and figured I didn’t want to waste my time with him anymore.”

That most certainly wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

“I mean, isn’t that the kind of thing a guy would say,” she asked with a smirk.

“No. Well, yeah maybe. Is that really what happened, though?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” she answered and then walked away.

I needed a vacation. I needed to get the fuck away from both Gabi and Eden. They were fucking with my head too much. I walked in to work thinking that things with Gabi were going better, thinking we actually had a chance. But then I saw Eden and began to question things again. She stayed in her office, and that gave me time to concentrate on work and I started feeling better again. Then she had to go and make me wonder if she let Eddy fuck her. Instead of thinking about Gabi or work, all I thought about was whether or not she was telling me the truth. I just had to bury my head in work, focus on working things out with Gabi, and steer clear of Eden. That was my new plan.

That plan worked well for a week, until Gabi decided to show up at my office.

She came into my office with her hair done and makeup on. Her clothes looked new, too. I didn’t have to act surprised, I was. She never came to my office, ever. It never bothered me that she hadn’t, either. I was indifferent on her being there before, but that day, I didn’t know how I felt.

Things were getting better between us since I blocked Eden from my mind—or at least blocked her the best way I knew how to. Gabi had been acting happier, but that was around me and I didn’t know how much of that was an act and how much was real. She still didn’t touch the laundry or even make the bed in the morning. So I couldn’t help but wonder how she was when I was gone. But there she was, in my office, acting close to her old self again.

“This either means something really good or something really bad,” I teased her.

She smiled and let out a small laugh; I wasn’t sure what that meant. “I was out and wanted to come see you. Is that wrong? Should I not have come?”

“No. I’m glad you came. It was just unexpected, that’s all.” I leaned over my desk and gave her a quick kiss on the lips. She looked around the office suspiciously and I could only assume what her motive for the visit was. She was looking for Eden. I knew it.

“I just left Doctor Greiner’s office. It went really good today. He had me talking about you and it made me miss you. So I decided to drop by. I’m not interrupting, am I?”

“No. Not at all.”

Just then, Eden opened the door while looking at a file in her hand. She didn’t look up until she was in front of my desk, and that’s when she saw Gabi sitting there. Her face turned white as she stared at her. I wanted to shrink into nothing and disappear. Knowing how both must’ve felt seeing each other for the first time made me jumpy and nervous for them both.

“Uh, Eden, this is my fiancée, Gabi. Gabi, this is my assistant, Eden,” I introduced them, hoping that would make things better. It didn’t, though. Calling Gabi my fiancée made Eden tense up even more. It was slight, but I noticed it. I just hoped Gabi hadn’t.

“It’s very nice to meet you. I’ve heard so many things about you,” Eden said to Gabi with a genuine smile. Then she turned to me, holding out the file that she was so concentrated on when she first walked in. “This is that file you wanted me to look over. My notes are in the back. But in my opinion, it’s a no-go.” I thought she was done talking as I took the file from her, but she wasn’t. “It seems they are too involved in another business, and things might just get too complicated if you pursue it. If it were me, I’d just let them work things out on their own and keep my nose out of it. That’s the kind of business I don’t get involved with, but it’s your call to make. If you decide to keep your connections to the company, I won’t back you up on it. In fact, I have no desire to ever be involved in that arrangement again.”

I could only stare at her as she spoke. I knew what she was referring to, but I’m sure Gabi had no clue. I could feel Gabi’s eyes on me as I listened to Eden. My jaw clenched tight as she pretty much told me that she never wanted anything to do with me again. I had so much to say, but couldn’t utter a single word with Gabi sitting right there. It angered me that I couldn’t fight with her. I couldn’t argue my point or where I was coming from. My brain wouldn’t even work fast enough to come up with some clever hidden meaning to say what I wanted. I sat there, nodded when she was done with her assessment of the business—our relationship, non-relationship, future relationship, whatever it was—and watched her walk back into her office.

Once the door was closed again, I looked back at Gabi’s wide brown eyes. They looked so different decorated with makeup. I suddenly saw them differently. I had never liked too much makeup on her, but as she sat in front of me, I noticed how good it looked. I might have noticed that because my brain was comparing it to the way Eden looked with makeup. It didn’t matter what anyone did to their eyes, what they covered them with, what color they used or how much, nothing compared to Eden’s eyes. Nothing. Even staring into the eyes I once thought held my whole entire future, it still didn’t compare. Looking at them then, made me realize they only held my whole entire past.

“That’s Eden? Your assistant? The one you were frolicking on the beach with?” Her tone was accusing and she sounded a little disgusted. It took me by surprise and pulled me from my thoughts.

“Yes, that’s Eden. Yes, she is my assistant. No, we were not frolicking. I don’t even know what the fuck frolicking means. We were walking. We were talking. There was no frolicking. And why did you have to ask it like that?” I was being defensive, I knew I was, but I couldn’t help it.

“She doesn’t look very professional. She’s wearing a tank top at the office and her tattoos are out for everyone to see. It’s just not very professional.”

I felt my eyes open wider and my jaw drop as I listened to her. Was she being serious? “You do know that I’m covered in ink, right? I’m sure sometime over the last eleven years you’ve noticed the tattoos that cover pretty much my entire upper body. I’m professional. I think your car and condo and clothes could attest to my professionalism.”

She looked at me condescendingly, like I was out of line. “You’re defending her. Why?”

“What the fuck? I’m defending myself.”

“Dane, you wear long sleeved shirts to work, not tank tops. And you don’t have metal in your face, either. But hey, it’s your company. She’s your employee. I was just making an observation. Next time, I’ll keep my mouth shut.”

I shook my head, not even knowing what to say to her. I didn’t want to fight with her. I didn’t want to fight with Eden, either, but it looked as if nothing was going my way. “Can we not do this, please? You’re attacking Eden because of an insecurity I’ve tried telling you isn’t real. There is nothing going on between Eden and me. She is my assistant, and I am her boss. That’s it.”

Her eyes closed and she took in a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I’ve just felt helpless this past week. I don’t want to be insecure, but look at her. She’s the epitome of your type. She’s beautiful and smart. She has the same business interests as you do and you can probably talk to her about all kinds of things. What do I have? I have your ring and I share a bed with you. That’s it. I don’t have tattoos. I don’t know shit about investments. Just thinking about all of that makes me feel… I don’t know, not worthy.”

I didn’t need my fiancée pointing out everything that made Eden perfect for me. That did not help matters at all. I also didn’t need to hear her talk so bad about herself. It killed me to know she thought that way. I hated knowing she looked at Eden and saw the same thing I did. But she wasn’t willing to let go, and I wasn’t willing to let her go. Something had to change.

“Stop, Gabi. You’re right, you do wear my ring, and you do share a bed with me. But that’s not the end of it. We share a past together. That ring shows that we will share a future together. Our condo means we share a home together. Just because you don’t have a tattoo or like math doesn’t mean shit. Bob across the hall has ink and is probably the smartest guy I’ve ever known when it comes to investments, but I’m sure you aren’t worried I’d leave you for him. At least I hope not.” I laughed and watched her stiff posture begin to soften.

She laughed with me. It should have made me feel better, but it didn’t. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the things Gabi had pointed out about Eden and me. Her words circled my head on repeat for the rest of the day. I was right; something had to change. I just wasn’t prepared for what that change would be, and what it would do to the life I thought I knew.

After Gabi left the office that day, I went to find Eden. She wasn’t in her office and I couldn’t find her anywhere in the building. I wondered if she was with her birth mother again, but since I didn’t even know who that was, I couldn’t go find out. I tried calling her a few times, but she didn’t answer. The thought of her quitting and walking out came to me several times, but I just kept trying to push it away. I wasn’t ready to deal with what that would mean.

I left work, but I didn’t go straight home. It was like my mind was so focused on finding Eden that I found myself in the parking garage of her condominium. I noticed her tiny red car right away and felt some relief knowing she was at least there and I wouldn’t have to drive around in search of her. I parked next to her in her visitor’s space and ran up the stairs. Fuck the elevator. That took too long. I worked out on a regular basis and figured the stairs were my best bet. So I climbed all four sets until I reached her floor.

My fists began to hurt after pounded on her front door for minutes. It felt like hours, but I knew it couldn’t have been that long. Finally, her neighbor must’ve been tired of hearing the pounding and came out to the hall.

“Can I help you?” He was an elderly man and seemed sincerely concerned.

“Yes, I’m sorry for bothering you, but I’m looking for Eden Clare. She lives here. I’m Dane Kauffmann, and she works for me. She left so suddenly from work today and I’m just worried about her. Have you by chance seen her today? In the last hour?” I held my breath, hoping he would tell me what I wanted to hear.

“She left here about twenty minutes ago. Looked like she was headed down to the pool or beach. Other than that, I’m sorry, I don’t know where she is.”

I thanked him and took back off down the stairs. I ran to the pool but it was empty, no one was there. It didn’t seem as if the pool got very much use, it was empty the last time I was there, too. I figured it was probably because the residents there were all elderly and Eden, well, Eden couldn’t swim.

I didn’t bother taking off my work shoes or rolling my pant legs as I ran out onto the sand. It was hard to run with the shoes, but I didn’t let that stop me. I caught sight of her red hair by the pier and I took off after her. She didn’t know I was there until I was catching my breath behind her.

“Just go home, Dane. Go home to Gabi. You shouldn’t be out here. You shouldn’t come find me or chase after me. That’s where you keep going wrong. You want to make things work with your fiancée? Then go. Make things work. Following me around doesn’t help you.”

“You left without telling me. I was worried.”

“Worried about what? Did you think I was kidnapped? Well, as you can see, I was not. Did you think I quit? The answer is no. I just needed to get out of there. I needed to think and I couldn’t do that at work. I only left an hour early; I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

“I just thought you were upset.”

She laughed, but it wasn’t a humorous laugh. It wasn’t the kind I loved to hear. It was a sad laugh, coupled with her arms that were outstretched to the sides of her. “I am upset, Dane,” she yelled. “But so is your fiancée. So why the hell are you out here instead of there?” She pointed to the direction of my building. “I’m not your concern. I’m not your priority. She is!”

I tried to speak, but she didn’t let me. She continued with her arms in the air, her loud, accusing tone, and that laugh that was starting to slowly kill me.

“This is where you keep getting it wrong, Dane.
This
. It has to stop. There’s no denying that we have a connection. That we have chemistry. But there’s also no denying that we can’t be together. It just can’t happen. You are with her, and you’re not going to leave. That’s what I saw today. I saw a man that won’t ever leave his fiancée. You will one day marry her and I’ll still be here. This thing between us has to stop. You have to stop this. Stop acting like you care, because no matter how much you do, it doesn’t change things. All it does is get in my head and confuse me even more. And I’m sure it confuses you, too. It makes us end up in situations we should never be in. It leads us to sleeping in the same bed, leads us to waking up in the morning in a position we should have never been in. It causes you to jack off in the shower while I do the same in the bedroom, thinking about what you were doing while you were doing it.”

I was pretty sure she hadn’t meant to say that out loud. She stopped speaking abruptly and turned away. My breathing grew heavy, as if I couldn’t find enough air to take in. “Is that why you were so quiet before we left Texas? Is that why you ignored me all the way home?” I didn’t move any closer to her. I just asked my questions to her back.

After many long seconds, she finally turned and looked right at me. I wasn’t expecting that. After what she confessed and after what I had asked her, I was sure she’d look to the ground, not in my eyes. In fact, I wasn’t expecting her to turn around at all. But no matter how shy Eden could get, she was still a very confident and strong woman. It was something I wasn’t quite used to. Gabi would have never looked me in the eyes in a moment like that.

“Put yourself in my shoes, Dane. I knew what you were doing; you made it very clear before you even went into the shower. I woke up with your face on my ass, and then you bit it. I haven’t been laid in God knows how long and just the thought of what you were doing pushed me over the edge. I didn’t think about it at the time. All I thought about was what you were doing. I didn’t think about anything until it was over. That’s when the guilt hit me.” Her voice grew softer and her eyes became sadder. “It doesn’t matter that we have never actually had sex. You’re still cheating on her. Emotional cheating is still cheating. I have always said I would never be that girl. I would never take something away from another woman. But here I am, doing just that. Just because it’s not sex doesn’t mean I’m not taking something away from her. I’m taking your thoughts away from her. I’m taking your time away from her. And I’m pretty sure I’m taking your fantasies away from her. I am that girl, no matter how hard I try not to be. And seeing her today? That was the icing on the fucking cake. It made her real to me. Not that she wasn’t before, but it added flesh to the idea of her.”

I nodded and was the first one to look away. I had a question to ask and couldn’t bear to look her in the eyes as I asked it. “So what do we do now? What does that mean? Are you going to quit Kauffmann?”

“No. I can’t quit. I need the money and I need the job. Regardless of anything else, it’s still my dream job. I won’t quit because of a guy. But we won’t be having our lunchtime conversations or talking to each other like we’re friends. I won’t answer any more of your personal questions, nor will I ask any of my own. I will be your assistant and that is it. You will be my boss and nothing more. This has to end, and since it’s obvious you won’t be the one to stop it, I will.”

I understood loud and clear what she was saying. I couldn’t fully let go of her because she was still holding on, and that was my fault. I didn’t allow her to just walk away from it. I chased her. Much like after Texas, I made her go for a walk with me. After that first night on the pier, she tried to put space between us, but I wouldn’t let her. I found ways to exploit our connection. I put us in situations that made us close—too close. I never took her into account. I never thought about how it all made her feel.

I couldn’t argue with her. I was just happy that she was still my assistant. Putting my feelings for her aside, she was the best assistant I ever had. Call me selfish, but that’s what I was. I had never been that way before, but Eden did something to me. She made me want to be selfish.

I nodded and then turned around without another word. I walked back to her place and went straight to my car, heading home. I was quiet for the rest of the night. I didn’t want to talk, and Gabi was in another mood, so that helped. She was feeling insecure about Eden and didn’t want to talk, either. There was nothing but silence in our home and it did nothing to help my mood. I decided to take a Tylenol PM and go to sleep. I was over the entire day and wanted to put it behind me. I went to sleep alone. Gabi was in the back bedroom, and I didn’t care enough to go see what she was doing. I closed my eyes and drifted off.

I had always believed in signs, but never paid attention to them until it was too late. My grandmother used to tell me everything happens for a reason and I believed that. But you never see that reason until the time had passed. On your way to work, the light you’re waiting at never changes. You get mad, right? It was clearly your turn to go, but the light never changed. What do you do? You get mad, or at least I do. I curse the red bulb that’s hung on a cable as if it has feelings that I’d hurt by calling it a motherfucker. But what if that happened for a reason? What if I had gone and ended up getting hit by another car? What if that was God’s way of keeping me out of a head-on collision? You don’t think about things like that when it happens. No. All you think about is how you missed your light.

The next morning was exactly like that for me.

My alarm either didn’t go off or I had turned it off without actually waking up. Either way, I was late. I jumped out of bed and noticed the other side hadn’t been slept on. I thought back through my fuzzy mind on the night before. Gabi was in the back bedroom when I went to bed, so that was the first place I checked. I found her, passed out on the floor by the bed. An empty wine bottle was next to her. A box of papers were scattered around and her laptop was opened in front of her.

If she had gone to bed instead of passing out where she was, I would have never thought twice about it. I would have never gone into that room looking for her and I would have never learned what I did. But that’s not what happened.

I went to her, worried something had happened to her. I noticed that she was breathing, and that made me feel relief. I knelt down on the floor in front of her, taking in a deep breath after the panic I had felt over seeing her like that. That was when I saw it. A piece of paper I had stepped on had the name Sean DeMasc on the top. That was a name I’d never forget.

I pulled it out from under my foot and noticed it was a printout of an article from when he was arrested. It made me look at the other papers around her. Each and every one of them were printouts from online, all having to do with the one man I hated more than anything—Sean DeMasc.

I must’ve accidentally hit the computer, because it turned on. To my surprise, his mug shot was side-by-side with another picture of the fucker. It was a new article from the day before and it was about his sudden death. I couldn’t help the feeling of relief that flooded me at that news. After what he had done to Gabi, I was glad he was dead. I had never been thankful for the death of anyone before, but he deserved it. I went on to read the article. It talked about how he was found by his mother in his room, hung in the closet. Fucking coward. He left behind a note, talking about he was innocent of the charges that had followed him everywhere and that he couldn’t do it anymore.

After all of those years and he was still claiming he was innocent. I couldn’t believe it. A jury found him guilty, as they should have, and he served his time, which in my opinion wasn’t long enough. The pain and destruction he caused Gabi would always be there. Her keeping a box of papers and constantly checking up on him was proof enough of that. She would never forget what he had done to her, and neither would I. It pissed me off to no end knowing he still denied it. It pissed me off even more that he killed himself and no longer had to deal with the fallout of his crime.

I closed the computer and woke Gabi up. All I wanted to do was take her back to bed. I knew it was going to be a bad day; I just wasn’t prepared for how bad it was actually going to get.