Bennett (On the Line Book 2) (25 page)

The Suicide Prevention Center was housed in a small, run-down building in downtown Fenway. I’d caught a few hours of sleep when I got home from the road trip, then showered, and now I was about to start my community service hours.

“Can I help you?” a blond, college-aged woman asked.

“I’m here for community service. Name’s Bennett Morse.”

She smiled. “You’re the hockey player?”

“Yeah.”

“Hi, I’m Gretchen.” She held her hand out for a handshake. “I’ll show you what to do.”

“Great.”

She led me around several desks in the open main room and through the door of a small conference room.

“We have a ton of envelopes that need to be stuffed and run through the postage machine.” She sat down in front of a giant pile of letters and envelopes. “I’ll help since it’s slow in here.”

I grabbed a pile of letters and started folding and stuffing.

“So how’d you end up with community service?” Gretchen asked. “You don’t look like the bad-boy type.”

“Uh . . . it was a fight.”

“You hockey players love to fight, don’t you?”

“I don’t love it, it’s just part of the game.”

“I bet you’re really strong.” She bit her lip and looked at me.

I focused on the stack of letters, knowing what that look meant.

“So why the Suicide Prevention Center?” she asked.

An image of Kelly smiling flashed before my eyes, followed immediately by an image of her crying, her face thinner and her expression drawn.

“Someone I was close to took her own life a few years ago.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Gretchen said. “My best friend in high school made an attempt but fortunately survived. I get credit hours toward my psych degree for volunteering here, and it’s a good place.”

“Good.”

“You can get training to handle calls to the hotline if you want to.”

I bristled. I hadn’t known what to say to Kelly when she was hurting. I’d just listened. If I’d known the right words to say, things might have ended up differently. I didn’t want to fail anyone else.

“Maybe,” I said.

“So what’s your deal? Are you married, single?”

“I’ve got a girlfriend. Her name’s Charlotte. We’re having a baby in June.”

Gretchen’s eyes widened with surprise. “Oh, wow.”

We stuffed in silence for another half hour and then Gretchen showed me how to use the postage machine and disappeared into the break room. I posted all the envelopes and then had to watch a volunteer orientation video.

“I’m heading out,” I said to Gretchen when the video ended. “I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon.”

“See you then.”

I glanced at my watch on the way out the door. It was 4:50. I could stop by the store and get stuff to make dinner at Charlotte’s. While weighing my options for the menu, I came face-to-face with a gangly teenage kid whose shaggy hair hung down to his eyelashes.

His expression registered panic. He glanced from side to side and turned to run away.

“Hey, man,” I said. “How’s it going?”

“Um . . . fine.” His voice cracked nervously.

He’d been heading for the door of the Suicide Prevention Center, but I didn’t want to mention it and scare him away. Blood rushed to my head as I tried to figure out what I should do. If I went back inside to get someone from the center, I was pretty sure he’d be gone when I got back.

“Do you, uh . . . need a friend to talk to?” I asked.

The kid looked right at me, narrowing his eyes just a fraction. “What’s that mean?”

“Just, you know . . . that if you need some help . . .”

His eyes filled with tears and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “I don’t know why I came here.”

“That’s okay.”

“It’s not that I want to die, but . . . I just don’t know if I can stand living anymore.” His voice broke again and he looked down at the ground. “I know that sounds stupid.”

“It doesn’t.”

“Every day is a living hell.”

“I’m sorry, man. Truly, I am.” I sat down on the concrete steps of the center and gestured to the spot beside me. “I knew someone who went through that and she said it felt like drowning. Like, no matter how hard she fought, she just kept getting pulled under.”

He sat down beside me and sighed heavily. “That’s what I feel like.”

“My name’s Bennett,” I said, offering my hand.

“I’m Dan.” He shook my hand and leaned his elbows on his knees.

“You think it might help to talk about it?” I asked, holding my breath as I waited for his answer.

After a minute, he answered. “It’s mostly school. There’s a group of guys whose mission in life is to humiliate me.”

“That’s rough. They sound like a bunch of dicks.”

He cracked a small smile. “Yeah. And my mom drinks a lot. It’s hell at home or hell at school.”

“Is there anything that feels like a break from all of it?”

He shrugged. “Music, I guess.”

“Yeah? What do you like?”

“Punk.”

“Cool. What grade are you in?”

“Sophomore.”

I remembered myself at that age. Pimply and awkward as hell. Desperate to get laid for the first time. But hockey had kept me focused and guaranteed me friends.

“What do you think you might like to do after high school?” I asked Dan.

Another shrug. “I’m not good at anything.”

“Maybe you just haven’t figured out what it is you’re good at yet.”

A middle-aged guy with a dark beard walked out the front door of the Suicide Prevention Center.

“Excuse me,” he said to us, “I’m the director of the SPC, and I meant to say hey earlier. I’m Vaughn Shelton. I hear you’re our new volunteer.”

“Yes, sir.” I shook his hand and looked at Dan. “This is Dan. He was stopping by because he’s having a hard time with some stuff and we’re just talking.”

“Hey, Dan,” Vaughn said. “Why don’t you come on in for a bit? Get out of the cold?”

Dan looked at me.

“Might as well,” I said. “You don’t have to stay long.”

“Okay.” Dan stood up and glanced down at me. “Hey, thanks for . . . you know.”

“I’ll be back tomorrow if you want to talk some more.”

He nodded and went inside with Vaughn. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. Having someone’s life in my hands was a big responsibility. I’d chosen this organization for my community service because I respected the work they did. But maybe I’d taken on too much. I could have picked up trash beside the highway and not had to worry I’d say the wrong thing to an emotionally fragile person.

I got in my car and drove straight to Charlotte’s, my plan to go to the store seeming unimportant now. I unlocked the door with my key and saw her standing by her kitchen table sorting through a stack of mail.

“Hey,” I said, closing the door.

“Hey.” She smiled and my whole body relaxed. Her blue eyes were bright and curls spilled from her loose bun. Damn, I’d missed her bad.

I covered the distance between us in a few big steps and pulled her into my arms. Her soft moan as she wrapped her arms around my neck made my cock twitch to attention in my pants.

“I missed you,” she said, her fingers brushing over my neck and into my hair.

“Missed you, too.” I buried my face in her hair and held on to her tightly.

“You okay?”

“I started my community service today.”

“Oh, that’s right. How’d it go?”

She tried to pull away to look at me, but I wouldn’t move my arms.

“Bennett,” she said, rubbing her fingers over my hair, “what’s wrong, honey?”

I sighed heavily, wishing I could hold the truth inside forever. But like Dan, I needed to let it out. I’d waited long enough to share this with Charlotte.

Charlotte

“I need to tell you something,” Bennett said, loosening his hold on me.

“What is it?” My brow furrowed with worry.

“Let’s sit down.”

We both took a seat at the kitchen table and he sighed deeply. A chord of panic had been struck deep inside me. Was there someone else? Maybe he was still upset about our fight the other day. I hated the ominous feeling that settled over me.

“You know the girlfriend I mentioned, Kelly?”

I nodded. “I remember.”

“She was from my hometown and we went to school together but didn’t start dating until we were in college. And then our junior year . . . something terrible happened.”

His eyes clouded with sadness. I took his hand in mine and squeezed, hoping to reassure him.

“Kelly was driving home from working at an internship one day and . . .” He buried his face in his hands. “
Fuck
. This is hard to talk about.”

“Take your time,” I said softly. “It’s okay.”

He folded his arms on the table and continued. “There was a little girl, a three-year-old. She lived on a busy street and there were cars parked up and down it. She ran after her ball into the street and Kelly . . . she didn’t see her . . .”

I closed my eyes and covered my mouth with a hand, a sick feeling twisting in my stomach.

“She was killed instantly,” Bennett said, the corners of his mouth turning down.

“My God,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

He sighed heavily, tears pooling in his eyes. “It was a tragedy. Kelly wasn’t charged with anything. She wasn’t impaired or anything, she just . . . didn’t see her. She was so wrecked over it that she ended up in the hospital. She wouldn’t eat or drink. Then she had to go to inpatient treatment for severe depression and suicidal thoughts.”

I could tell his mind was cycling back through the memories. He was clutching my hand now, both of us holding on tight.

“It helped,” he said flatly. “Or at least, we thought it did. She said it did. She went on meds and started eating again. She was planning to start classes again after winter break. And then on Christmas morning, her mom found her . . .” He stopped to gather himself. “She’d overdosed.”

I cupped his scruffy cheek with my free hand and met his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Bennett.”

He nodded slightly, his expression somber. “It’s a heavy burden, realizing you had someone’s life in the palm of your hand and you let it slip away.”

He blamed himself. That was so like Bennett, who was good and honorable and took care of the people he loved. But it was also completely misguided.

“You didn’t let it slip away,” I said, holding his tortured gaze. “You
didn’t
. Maybe she didn’t want you to see how much pain she was in. Maybe that was her choice.”

“I should’ve seen it.”

“Did she reach out to you?”

He shook his head, looking numb. “She must’ve felt like she couldn’t.”

“That can’t be. It sounds like you weren’t the only one who thought she was better.”

“Yeah. Her parents were shocked when it happened. Devastated. She was their only child.”

I smoothed my thumb over his knuckles, just realizing why he was telling me this right now.

“Volunteering at the Suicide Prevention Center was hard for you.”

He nodded. “It was fine until I met a teenage kid outside the center who was having suicidal thoughts. I was
terrified
, Charlotte. I can’t even explain how much it hurt. I’ve had bones broken during games, and those hits were nothing compared to this. I was afraid the kid would run off or I’d say the wrong thing . . .
damn
.” He took a deep breath and rubbed his temple.

“What’d you say to him?”

“I just asked him questions. What stuff he’s into, what he hopes to do after high school. I was trying to make him see that there’s a whole life ahead of him, but I don’t even know if that was right.”

“Where did you leave things?”

“The director of the center ended up coming out and taking him inside.”

I lifted Bennett’s hand to my lips and kissed the back of it, the soft hairs tickling my lips.

“You did good, Bennett.
Great.
”

He arched his brows and held my gaze. “How do you know?”

“I just do. You’re kind and caring and it shines through.”

“I hope I helped him.”

There was a crease of worry between his brows and a far-off look in his eyes. I hadn’t noticed the dark circles under his eyes when he walked in, but now I saw that he looked exhausted in every way.

“Why don’t I order delivery from the deli and we can eat in bed and watch a movie?” I suggested. “Maybe go to bed early.”

“Yeah.” His shoulders sank a bit as he relaxed. “That would be good. I’ve missed having you in my arms at night, Char.”

“Me too.” I leaned forward and kissed him softly, my baby bump brushing the edge of the table as I did.

I’d never wanted to put my arms around him as much as I did right now. All I wanted was to ease the ache in him and reassure him that he’d done everything he could for Kelly. He’d been enough then and he was enough for me now. So much more than enough. I needed to help him see that, but that would mean letting some of my own walls crumble the same way he had just now.