Authors: Lisa de Jong
I hold one finger up, signaling that I need a minute, but music starts to play over the sound system, halting me in place. Our eyes lock briefly before Beau turns and walks toward the back of the church. There are so many things I want to say to him, but today isn’t really the day for any of that. It can’t wait long, though.
I know tomorrow is never a guarantee.
After I take my seat, I close my eyes and listen to the music that fills the room. It’s a song I’ve listened to many times in the last few days. I picked it just for Asher. It’s a song that I know he loved and one that meant a lot to him.
It now means everything to me.
Hallelujah
by Jeff Buckley plays as a slide show displaying Asher’s life from birth to just a few months before he died appears on the large projector screen. It’s so hard to watch, but this is part of my goodbye. Asher lived so much life before I even met him and watching it flash before my eyes helps me to understand.
He was a happy baby with curly blond hair and dimples visible through his constant smile. He loved his Power Ranger PJ’s as a young kid, and lost most of his curls by the time his mom took his picture on the first day of Kindergarten. He loved baseball, football and building towers out of Legos. When the photo of him holding Aubrey for the first time in the hospital pops up, I can’t watch anymore. He loved that little girl so much; it’s evident in his wide smile and excited eyes. Now, he’s not going to be able to see her grow up.
I want to run somewhere far, far away where death doesn’t exist. Everyone should be able to live a full life. He should be able to get married, have kids, and live out his dreams of a happily ever after.
I wanted him to be my happily ever after.
My mom grabs for my hand, giving me the will to look up again. There’s so much that I never got to see, and now he’s not even here to tell me about it.
The next photo is of him and a pretty girl with long blonde hair and piercing green eyes. He’s got his arm wrapped around her, and they’re both dressed up. Homecoming 2007 it reads at the bottom. The next few photos are also of them, followed by him alone on the day of his high school graduation. The girl must have been Megan; the friend he lost way too soon. The reason he thought he was being punished.
The next three photos bring back memories of us. For the first time, I see from afar how he looked at me, always leaning his body into mine. For the first time, I saw my smile brighten a little more in each photo. The first is the two of us at the zoo, riding the carousel. I thought it was childish, but by the time it stopped, I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face. The second is from the night Asher made a bonfire for me. He had insisted that we take a photo when we both had marshmallow stuck to our lips. It was so much fun . . . more fun than I’d had in a really long time. The third one was taken the last time we went fishing. I don’t remember seeing anyone take the photo, but Asher is looking up at me while I stand to reel my pole in. By the look on his face, you would think nothing else in this world mattered. He loved me then . . . I can see it.
And the last one is a picture of Asher sitting on the couch playing his guitar for me. It reminds me of the night he made love to me for the first time and showed me what things could be like if I just let go.
The rest of the service is a blur. I’m in a field of memories, too caught up in what was and what can never be again. I hear talking coming from the front of the church, but I don’t actually listen to the words. Music plays a few separate times, but I couldn’t tell you what the songs actually were. And when everyone stands and exits the church, I stay motionless. This is it.
He’s gone.
My mom crouches in front of me, grabbing my hands in hers. “I know this is hard, but are you ready to go? Asher’s family invited us to ride to the cemetery with them, and they’ll be leaving soon.”
I’m not ready, but that really doesn’t matter right now.
I nod, taking a fresh tissue from my mom’s hand. I cry, leaning my head back against the church pew. After closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, I stand up straight and start making my way out of the church. As soon as I open the door, Beau is standing with his back to me, staring at the busy street.
“Beau,” I sniffle, watching as he turns to face me.
He walks toward me and cups my face in his hands while gently caressing my cheekbones with his thumbs. He opens his mouth twice without saying anything . . . I’ve never seen him look more conflicted.
“I need to go. The car is waiting for me,” I say, nervously looking out to the street.
He quickly lets go of me, running his fingers through his hair. He cut it since the last time I saw him, and it makes him look older. The longer I look at him, the more he feels like a different person. We’re both different people now.
He looks away from me, burning a bigger hole into my damaged heart. “I need to get back to school. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” He stops, his eyes meeting mine briefly before looking away again. “If you need anything, please call me.”
I watch him walk down a few steps, my heart squeezing more as he gets further and further away from me. I don’t want him to go. “Beau!” I shout.
“Yeah?” he says, turning to face me again.
“Can you stay for the burial?” I ask, looking to the side of the church to hide my tears.
He doesn’t move. He doesn’t say a word.
“Please, I can’t do it without you,” I plead.
He stares at me for a few seconds before walking toward me. My heart pounds against my chest with the anticipation that he will say yes and the thought that he may say no. “I can’t, Kate. I should really get back to school,” he pauses, taking a deep breath.
Shock, surprise, confusion . . . they all run through my veins. Why would he come here if he had no intention of staying?
“You just got here. Why did you come if you can’t stay?” I whisper, nervously fidgeting with my fingers.
Using his index finger, he tilts my eyes to his. “I needed to make sure you were okay.”
“Why?”
“Because I care about you,” he says, eyeing me intently.
“Then why won’t you stay?” I ask, swallowing hard. I need him, but I feel like I’ve lost my right to beg.
“I just can’t,” he says, running his fingertips along my jawline. “You love him . . . that’s written all over your face. Kate, I would do anything to be able to wipe that away. But I—”
“Beau, please. Please stay with me.”
He sighs as he tilts his head to the sky. My heart pounds as I watch him pinch his eyes closed. When he looks back down without making eye contact, I already know his answer. “It looks like your mom is waiting for you,” he says, pointing to my mom who waits next to her car. “I’m sorry, Kate.”
I step back, avoiding his eyes. This isn’t the time or place to have this conversation. “I should probably get going then.”
“I’ll talk to you later,” he says, tucking his hands into his pocket. He steps toward me, quickly kissing my forehead. When he pulls back, he runs his thumb along the crest of my cheek. “I love you.”
I stand still, watching as his figure fades away. Things have been different between us. I’d do anything to go back to what we used to be, but right now we’re two confused strangers.
The ride to the burial is quiet. Aubrey rests her head against my shoulder and I lean into her, placing my head against hers. I think about what we’re about to do . . . it completely consumes me.
Asher’s parents and my mom remain quiet, glancing out the front window. It’s peaceful, but it almost gives me too much time to think. My heart needs a break.
When we pull into the cemetery, Aubrey grips one of my hands tightly as my mom grips the other. No one is ready to move because each step forward is one step closer to goodbye.
A lump forms in my throat as we stop in front of the casket. This is it. It’s the end of another chapter . . . the best chapter of my life. My knees weaken as the priest starts to say a final prayer. His voice vibrates through my ears, but I couldn’t repeat a word he is saying. There are some moments in life we all have to face, even though we don’t want to. This is one of those moments.
This will always be that moment for me.
My mom places her arm behind my back to hold me as the tears roll down my face. Aubrey squeezes my hand tightly, but I don’t care. Someone could shoot a bullet through my heart right now and I wouldn’t notice.
Asher’s casket lowers into the ground as the priest finishes his prayer, “when we meet again.”
When I can’t see it anymore, when I know without a shadow of doubt that I will never see him again in this life, I fall to my knees. Never in my life have I felt so numb.
Asher was the ground beneath my feet, the air that filled my lungs, and the sun that shined above my head. He saved me from drowning. I’d been held under water for four minutes and fifty-nine seconds when I met him. I was one second away from fading.
I bury my face in my hands as I gasp for air. I just want him back. I would do anything, and give up everything, just to have him back.
Two thin arms embrace me, pulling me into a familiar chest. “Oh, it’s going to be okay,” my mom whispers. “Everything is going to be okay.”
“No, it won’t be okay! It won’t. Why couldn’t it have been me?” I yell hysterically, falling into her.
“Don’t say that,” she cries. She does her best to comfort me by running her hands along my back, but nothing can break through the sorrow I feel right now.
My body trembles against hers as my tears soak her shirt. “I want him back. I just want him back,” I cry, fisting her shirt in my hands.
“If there was any way to do that, I would.”
“I love him so much,” I sob, not paying any attention to anything around me. “Why?” I scream, laying my head on her knees.
“I don’t know,” she says softly, running her fingers through my hair.
Neither of us moves. I’m paralyzed by the fear of being alone and the sadness that I can’t seem to get a grasp on.
When all my energy is exhausted, I stare straight ahead at the dirt that now covers Asher’s grave. I keep my eyes focused as person after person drops a handful of dirt onto the mahogany wood. I know it’s typical, but I can’t do it. It would make me feel like I’m burying him and while that’s exactly what we’re here for, I can’t.
I carefully raise myself up, not bothering to wipe the moisture from my cheeks. There’s one last thing I have to do before we leave. I grab the bouquet of flowers from the ground and walk a few feet to his grave. One by one, I take out five flowers, holding them all tightly in my hand as I decide which one to place first.
I separate the blue salvia, running the soft petals across my lips. “I’ll think of you forever,” I whisper as I place it on his grave.
Next, I grab the aloe. It’s not something that normally would be placed on the grave, but it means healing, protection and affection . . . three things Asher showed me. “Thank you,” I whisper, setting it next to the first flower.
I place the stem of the daisy between my fingers and inhale the fresh scent. The daisy is a symbol of hope. “Because of you, I can recognize the good moments. And because of you, there are good moments.”
Only two items remain, I lay rosemary, the symbol of remembrance, down first. “You’ll always live in my heart.”
And then I’m left with one red rose . . . the flower that means the most to me. “I love you.” It’s the hardest flower to let go of, but the one I know I will still feel strongly inside after I do. I carefully place it in the center, lightly running my fingertips over the dirt.
Looking down, I see forever, gratitude, hope, remembrance and love.
I see the time I spent with Asher.
“Kate.”
I close my eyes, taking a deep breath before turning around. Daniel stands in front of me with a large yellow envelope in his hands. “I know this might not be the best time to give this to you, but Asher wanted you to have this.”
“What is it?” I ask, glancing between him and the envelope. There’s something written on the front, but it’s hard to make out with my watery eyes.
He shakes his head. “I don’t know. He gave it to me a few weeks ago and asked that I give it to you after he’s gone.”
“Thank you.” I take the envelope from his hand and stand up.
“If you need anything, don’t be afraid to ask,” he says, focusing his eyes on the fresh dirt that stands out from the rest of the landscape.
“You too,” I reply sadly. He pats my shoulder as he walks past and the only people who remain are my mom and me.
“Are you ready to go?”
I am.
But I’m not.
It feels like I’m leaving him alone.
“Yeah,” I cry. “Can you just give me one more minute?”
She nods, kissing my cheek before walking toward the car. As soon as I know she’s out of earshot, I crouch down and kiss the pads on my fingers before resting them on top of Asher’s grave. “All the stars shine for you, Asher.”
****
As soon I’m home, and my bedroom door closes behind me, I open the envelope that Daniel handed me. My hands shake uncontrollably; today has drained all the strength from my body, but this can’t wait. I cautiously pull the contents out, scared of what I might find . . . what it might make me feel.
The first thing I pull out is a note written on white paper. I recognize Asher’s handwriting right away, and my heart skips a beat. At least for a second, I feel like he’s right here with me. I inhale a deep breath and start to read.
Kate,
A few months ago, I was living a life so empty that nothing could fill it. Then I met you, a girl so beautiful yet so lost. I tried so hard to stay away, but obviously I lost the battle. I wanted to help you get where you were going, even if I couldn’t stay with you throughout the whole journey.
You’re amazing, and I want you to remember that every day. I know there are days when you just want to give up, but you’re strong, Kate. You can get through this.
The first time I saw you, I wanted to take away the sadness in your eyes. I questioned myself over and over because I knew the time I had left was not going to allow us forever and you deserve a forever. There was a voice inside me that said you would be better off if I walked toward you instead of walking away. I’m glad I listened because I love your smile and everyone should see it.