Authors: Lisa de Jong
“Is that for me?” he asked, pointing towards the abandoned piece of paper tucked in the corner of his doorframe.
“Uh, yeah. Figured it’d be better than leaving a note,” I shrugged.
He reached past me and squatted down to retrieve the little origami frog, giving me a whiff of his sweat slicked skin. His scent, coupled with the trace of mint and spice that I had grown to crave, was masculine and erotic. It was exactly what I imagined his sweat to smell like, and I wanted to bathe in the tiny droplets.
Blaine fingered the delicate paper and looked down at me with a half-grin. The heat from his body enveloped me, igniting fire in my belly. “Or you could’ve called me.”
I worked to keep my tight-lipped smile even. “Some things need to be said in person.”
He nodded, fishing out a key from the iPod armband that hugged his sculpted bicep. “Come on in.”
Blaine’s house was immaculate, just as it was before. Seeing it again brought back memories of his hands and lips caressing me, his strong arms holding me, and the tender words he uttered after I awoke in the dark. The look on his face when he shared his past with me, the intense feeling of wanting to take away his pain - it all came crashing back.
Blaine and I may have not known each other well, but we had grown close where it counted. He had witnessed my demons and revealed his own. Our connection wasn’t like the solidarity I shared with Dom or even Angel. But, something had bonded us, and I needed him in my life just the same.
“I need to take a shower,” he said from behind me as I took in the shelving that held his shot glass collection. My eyes zeroed in on the two blank ones, the ones he claimed were the most significant to him.
“That’s fine,” I breathed, feeling almost high from his scent.
“You can stay down here and watch TV if you want.” He made his way to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, downing it in just a few gulps. “You want some wine?”
“Sure.” A little liquid courage was just what I needed.
After handing me a glass of chilled white wine, Blaine clicked on the TV. He still had the little paper frog between his fingers, holding it like it was a precious gem. I smiled inwardly. Who knew a tough guy with tattoos and piercings could be so quirky and sentimental? It made him that much more attractive.
I surveyed the area once I was alone, sipping my wine as I looked at framed pictures of him and CJ, and even a few of Mick. I noticed several of a woman I knew was his mother. She shared the same sandy brown hair and warm brown eyes as Blaine. Of course, she was stunning, and her bright, beaming face brought a smile to my lips. When I stumbled upon a photo of her and a young Blaine, my breath caught. He looked so happy and innocent, the perfect picture of a young man with his whole life ahead of him. Even then, he was incredibly good-looking, and I imagined his mother having to beat the girls off with a stick.
“Her name was Amelia,” his rich voice said behind me, a touch of southern drawl conjured up with the memory of his mom.
“She was gorgeous,” I smiled at Blaine. He was dressed in low-slung cargo shorts and a sleeveless tee. The smell of his body wash filled my nostrils, bringing back memories of the suds all over my naked skin as I touched myself, imagining it to be his fingers. My face flamed, and I turned back to the photos. Shit. Leave it up to me to think about sex while talking about Blaine’s deceased mother.
Class-y
.
“She was,” he nodded. “Most of the men in town would try to date her, but I wouldn’t have it. No man was good enough for her. So, I mastered the art of being a sneaky little shit, and making their lives hell.”
“Not you, Blaine Jacobs! Look at that angelic face,” I chuckled, pointing to the younger version of the scary-beautiful man in front of me, sans tattoos and piercings.
“You’d be surprised,” he answered rubbing a hand behind is neck.
I took a deep breath and turned around to face him, resigning to confront the real reason I was there while the wine was coursing through me.
“Before you say a word,” Blaine interjected, “I want you to know that you still have a place at Dive. Just because things may not work out for us, doesn’t mean you have to leave. I can schedule you with Trisha or Corey, or you can work alone. Or…”
“Wait…what?” I frowned, taking a step back. “You… you think I came here to break things off with you?”
Blaine shrugged. “I don’t know. What was I supposed to think, Kami? I haven’t heard from you in days, and now you just show up, looking… fine. Better than fine.
Shit,
you look amazing. And here I am, going out of my fucking mind worrying about you. So please, tell me what I was supposed to think.”
He didn’t sound or look upset. He seemed hurt. And I felt like a huge asshole for making him worry.
“I’m sorry, I, uh, just needed some space and time to get my head together.”
“And now?” he asked with a raised brow.
“Now? Shit… I don’t know what. I, uh, you know…” Words failed me. Even the conversation I had on repeat in my head on the way over was long forgotten. I didn’t know how to do this. I didn’t know how to make him see that, though I was damaged, I still wanted him. And dammit, I wanted him to want me too. Not out of pity or obligation. But out of love.
Fuck. There’s that word again.
“You know…” I began chewing my lip nervously. I couldn’t do this. I didn’t even understand why I thought I could. No one could truly love a person like me. I was broken beyond repair. It would be selfish of me to expect him to be placated when I knew he deserved so much more. Someone normal and healthy. Someone who wasn’t afraid to love him as furiously as I wished I could.
“Shit, I’m sorry, Blaine. I can’t do this. I’m sorry.” I shoved my empty wine glass in his hands and turned towards the door before the first tears could be seen. I had to get away from here. I had to get away from him. With the impulse to stay and fall into his arms growing stronger by the second, I knew that my resistance wouldn’t hold much longer.
“Stop, Kami!” he called out.
I forced my legs to carry me to the door though my heart crumbled with every step. It was breaking, the new fractures disrupting its previously restored state. It was all my fault this time. I would have rather suffer alone than throw him into the thick of it.
I pulled the doorknob open, only to have Blaine slam it shut before I could escape.
“Dammit, Kami! Stop this shit! Will you stop trying to run from me all the time? It’s obvious that you came here to say something, so just say it. If you want to tell me how you feel, say it. If you want tell me I’m an asshole, say it. If you never want to see me again, then fucking say it! But I’m not just gonna make this easy for you. So if we’re done, you have to say the words.”
He pressed his front into my back, the heat of his anger seeping into my skin and causing sweat to break out all over my body. My breath caught at the feel of his hard body encapsulating mine.
“Blaine…I… I ca-,”
“Yes you can,” he gritted. “You came all the way here. Spit it out, so you can go back to not giving a shit about me, and I can start not giving a shit about you.”
I pushed against him and spun around, pinning him with my own angered glare. “What? You think I don’t give a shit about you? You think I came here because I don’t have feelings for you?”
“It’s obvious you don’t.”
I let out a frustrated huff, causing my nipples to brush his chest. “You don’t know a damn thing. It’s because I care that I’m even here. Do you think this was easy for me? Do you think this shit doesn’t kill me just to think about?”
Blaine took a step back and ran a hand through his wayward locks before stalking back into the room. “How am I supposed to know that, when you shut me out?” He looked back at me with enraged confusion. “Kami, I know nothing about you. All I see is this gorgeous girl who looks like she is carrying the weight of the world on her back. And every time I try to help shoulder that burden, every time I get too close, you try to run. So please… help me understand what I’m missing. Because I’m tired of trying to figure this shit out on my own.”
With my hands wrung tight in front of me, I stepped back into the living room. “You don’t know what you’re asking for, Blaine. You don’t want this.”
“Don’t tell me what I don’t want just to get out of talking. What are you so afraid of?”
Every tortured emotion that had been bottled up for the past month came rushing to the surface, bursting out of me like a violent volcano.
“Everything!” I screamed, tears streaming down my hot cheeks. “Everything! I am fucking afraid of everything, Blaine! Don’t you see that? Don’t you see why you shouldn’t be with me? I am twenty-three years old, and I’m scared of the dark! Or how about this - I can’t even close the fucking bathroom door. Do you realize how embarrassing that is? And let’s not forget about the best part…how I can’t even step foot into a body of water. That’s what you want to hear, right? You want to fix the broken girl. You want to make me a little pet project so you can feel better about yourself. Well, newsflash… I can’t be fixed. This is
me
. I’ll never be what you want, Blaine.”
Blaine was stunned into silence for long moments before he took a step towards me, his expression unreadable. “Why?”
Huh? What was he asking me? I glared at him through wet lashes and smeared mascara.
“Why?” he repeated.
“Why?” I snorted turning away from him. “Life happens. This is life, Blaine. And I don’t care what you say. That shit isn’t always beautiful. It’s ugly. And hurtful. And abusive.” I tried to wipe my leaking eyes, but the dam had broken. I couldn’t stop. If he wanted to know me, then he would. He would see the loathing that festered inside me. And when he realized just how scarred I was, he’d do what any sane man would do. He’d walk away.
“Life is cruel and evil, Blaine. There’s nothing pretty about being beaten repeatedly for no apparent reason other than existing. There’s no joy in being locked in a closet in the dark for hours on end while being taunted. There’s no happiness in being called every vile name you could imagine before you’re too young to even know what they mean.” My voice broke, quieting my tirade into a hoarse whisper. “There’s no beauty in being tortured and hated by the one man that was supposed to love you the most.”
He was in front of me before I could collect my bearings, brushing away my tears with the pads of his thumbs. “Your father did this to you?” he whispered.
I looked up at him through watery eyes, and could clearly see the compassion etched in his face. “Now do you see why you don’t want me? The
real
me? My own father despised me from the day I was born. And my mother was so messed up herself that she forgot I existed. She forgot to love me. I live in a world of constant fear where monsters exist, and there are no happily-ever-afters. Only pain. And sorrow. Hatred. You don’t deserve that.”
“And neither do you,” he uttered with a wavering voice. He pulled me into his hard chest and squeezed out another fresh wave of tears as he stroked my hair. “Neither do you, baby.”
“Blaine, please don’t do this. Please don’t be nice to me. Please don’t act like you want me when you don’t. It’s ok; I’m used to it.”
“Dammit, Kami,” he growled pulling me from his chest and grasping my shoulders. “Stop trying to push me away. Stop trying to make me not want you. Because guess what? I care about you. And I do want you. So fucking bad.”
Before my mind could dissuade my heart, I looked into his brown eyes and let myself free fall into him. “Show me.”
Blaine’s hungry mouth captured mine as he pulled my body up into a kiss that shattered all other kisses. We were a mosaic of lips, tongues and teeth, drinking in each other’s agony. I wanted to kiss away his guilt and pain. He wanted to swallow my fear and loathing. And, as my legs wrapped around his waist, the hardness of him pressing into my heat, I let him. I let him because I wanted to be better for him. I wanted to give myself to him freely without worry or hesitation. I wanted Blaine to take it all away.
Our mouths still fused together and moving furiously, Blaine carried me to the staircase. With one hand fisted in my hair, the other grasping my backside, he walked us to his bedroom with ease. I didn’t even know we were there until he laid me down on his bed, settling on top of me. When his lips abandoned me, I nearly cried. Kissing him was finding bliss for the first time. And now that I had finally found it, I never wanted to let it go.
“You are so beautiful, Kami. And so strong,” he murmured against my neck as he dotted it with kisses. “If you only knew how amazing you are… I’ll make you see it. I’ll make you
feel
it.”
He stroked me through our thin layers of clothing, my dress bunched up to my waist. I didn’t care. I wanted it off. I wanted to feel his skin against mine. I wanted Blaine to fill me with the same bliss that fell from his lips.
As if hearing my unspoken plea, Blaine eased the straps from my sundress off my shoulders, revealing my bare, heavy breasts. He instantly palmed both before drawing a pebbled nipple into his mouth and sucking, swirling his tongue ring around the hardened skin. I cried out as sizzling heat engulfed the area before shooting down between my thighs. I squeezed his waist tighter, locking my legs around him at the ankles. I ached for him. I needed Blaine to put out the flames that each flick of his studded tongue ignited.
He teased the other nipple until the skin was so sensitive that it hurt. Then he eased up on his elbows and gazed down at my writhing body. “I know you said you don’t make love,” Blaine uttered, his gaze branding me with smoldering passion. “But I want you. I need you. So. Bad.
Shit
… Kami… I need to fuck the fear out of you.”
The air left my lungs in a rush as I absorbed the delicious blow of his words. I was nodding furiously; out of control with my own desire for him to do any and every thing he pleased. “Yes,” I answered breathlessly. “Please.”
A long beat passed as we just stared at each other, our anticipation preluding frenzy. Blaine took my mouth again and claimed it with every stroke of his tongue as he slid my body up farther onto the bed. Gently, he placed my head on a pillow before pulling my dress down the length of my body. I lay before him unashamed and unafraid, in only my panties, as he appraised my body like a rare jewel.