Authors: Lisa de Jong
I couldn’t argue with her there. The weeks following my attack had been a blur. Like a total out of body experience. I wasn’t all there. It was like my subconscious had created this steel cocoon that no one could penetrate while my mind digested what had happened to me. Between the drugs from the surgeries to fix my mangled face, and then accepting the new me, I was a zombie. I was dead inside. I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to think. And I damn sure didn’t want to talk about it. Only the arrival of my mom, the only person that was probably more broken than me, snapped me out of it. Seeing her face opened the floodgates. All the emotions that were battling to reach the surface came bursting out. And for days, they didn’t stop.
“So now you feel like you’re running out of time to give it to me?”
Angel shrugged. “Yeah. I kinda am.”
I chewed my lip, wondering if I wanted to open this door. Yeah, my heart was still undoubtedly Blaine’s, but I had accepted the end of us. I was moving on and getting better. I needed to stay on this path. Straying from it could seriously be dangerous for my recovery.
“Well…let’s see it.”
Yup. Sucker. A 5-foot 6-inch sucker, complete with long, white stick and plastic wrapper. Probably cherry flavored.
Angel opened the oversized, designer handbag on her shoulder and revealed a glass Mason jar. Inside was a piece of paper. I took the jar in my hands and examined it with unwavering concentration.
“See,” Angel remarked, though I could hardly hear her voice over the sound of my pounding heart. “Weird, right? Who gives someone a jar? So…you gonna read the note?”
Was I? Should I?
“I don’t know,” I whispered. It was true. Being honest with myself and with others about my feelings was something I had been working on in therapy.
“Well, don’t wait too long to make up your mind. He’s leaving.”
My head jerked up so fast that I felt my mended skull rattle. “Leaving?”
“Yeah. He’s taking off. To like, Australia or something. Tonight is actually his going away party and A.D. is performing. I asked him if he wanted me to invite you…”
“And?”
“Sorry, Kam,” she replied with sympathetic eyes. She didn’t have to say anymore. Blaine was over me. He didn’t want me there.
I nodded, both in understanding and conclusion. I was done with this conversation, just like Blaine was done with me.
“Ok, well… I gotta run.” Angel climbed to her feet and kissed me on the forehead. I just sat there, still staring at that jar, unable to acknowledge much else.
Before Angel could make her way all the way out of the kitchen, she turned to face me. “Kam? Can you do me a favor?”
I forced my eyes to hers, though I really couldn’t see her. “Sure.”
“Whatever’s in that jar, promise me you won’t be afraid of it. It’s just a piece of paper. Nothing on it can take away everything you’ve achieved these past few months. It doesn’t change who you are.”
I sat in silence for a few beats before nodding. “I promise.”
I lied.
It was too late. I was already terrified.
Chapter 34
Kami
Kami,
I’ve written this letter in my head a million times. Shit, I’ve scribbled it down more times than I feel comfortable even telling you about before balling it up & chucking it across the room. But the truth is, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to fully explain what I’m feeling right now. Confused? Yes. Upset? Hell yes. Hurt? More than you could ever know.
I know I’m a selfish bastard for feeling like that. After all you’ve been through, I know I have no right to be hurt. But I am. I can’t help that. It’s been nearly three weeks, and all I can think about is the look on your face when I last saw you. When I lost you. So please, hate me for that. Say I’m a self-centered prick and an asshole. But don’t say what we had wasn’t real. Don’t take that away from me. Because, Kam, to me it was everything.
Yeah, I get that it’s over. And I know it’s what needs to be done for you to heal. But, know that being without you is killing me. Fucking killing me every damn second of every damn day that I can’t see you. Or feel you in my arms. Or hear your sweet voice singing softly. Baby, I miss you so much and I feel bad for it. Like missing you won’t be conducive to your recovery. Like feeling this way will only make things worse. And that’s not what I want. Not at all.
So I’m telling you, Kami, I won’t miss you anymore. I won’t hurt for you. I won’t need you like I do. And I won’t love you. Loving you is what caused all this. It’s what ruined us. And I am so sorry for that. I hate myself for failing you. For not being enough to save you. But I won’t fail you again. If this is what you need- for me to never think of you again- then that is what I am going to do. I’ll forget you. I’ll stop loving you like I do. Because, dammit, I do. So much it fucking tears me apart.
I hope this is what you want. I know I didn’t get it right the first time, but I promise to try like hell to make it better.
Always (Never),
Blaine
P.S. The jar is for you. Maybe before a big storm rolls in, you’ll use it to catch fireflies (see, I did remember something, city mouse. But they’re still lightning bugs down here). And if you do, just remember, the storm doesn’t last forever. It can scare you; it can shake you to your core. But it never lasts. The rain subsides, the thunder dies, and the winds calm to a soft whisper. And that moment after the storm clouds pass, when all is silent and still, you find peace. Quiet, gentle peace.
That’s what I wish for you. Even if you couldn’t find it with me.
I read the letter a second time. Then a third. Each word jumped off the page and slapped me in the face. Each sentence stabbed me straight through my fractured heart.
I won’t miss you anymore.
Loving you is what caused all this. It’s what ruined us.
I’ll forget you.
I’ll stop loving you.
I repeated it over and over like a mantra, seeing if it would start to make sense. If the words could somehow form coherent thoughts for me to digest. Because I couldn’t understand. I just didn’t fully get it.
Blaine stopped loving me.
For
me?
I had really lost him. It was really over. And though we hadn’t been together in months, knowing for sure that he no longer had feelings for me just drove the knife in deeper.
Maybe somewhere in the back of my convoluted mind, I thought we would find our way back to each other. That we were really meant to be. He told me that we were inevitable. That when you knew…you just knew. Maybe I had been holding onto that this entire time.
The thing that probably disturbed me the most was Blaine’s belief that he had failed me. That he was somehow responsible for what happened. The thought of him carrying around that immense guilt, thinking that history had repeated itself, had me choking back a sob. No. I couldn’t let him think that. I couldn’t let him take the blame for my father’s actions.
Blaine was a good man. The best kind that there was. He was the kind of man that women dreamt of taking home to their mothers. The kind of guy that opened doors and pushed in chairs. The kind of man that fairytales were written about and songs were sung for.
And I had pushed him away. I had destroyed the man whose only crime was loving me. All of me- phobias, insecurities, and scars included.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
I folded up the piece of paper and slid it back into the Mason jar before setting it on my windowsill. Right next to those little stars, so small and delicate in size, yet the weight of their burden had crippled me for so long. I picked up the glass that contained their cynical smiles and taunting laughter.
Those insignificant little things had held me prisoner for years. And now they had cost me the only man I had ever loved.
I had never hated them more, so much so that I wanted to be done with them for good. It was time. I was ready to live.
****
The roar of the crowd was louder than I had remembered, though the only thing I could hear was the steady, rapid pounding of my heart. I wiped my sweat-slicked palms on my cotton dress. Shit. My dress was white; I really hoped it didn’t become see-through from the spotlights. Would I look stupid? Would people be pissed? Hell, could I even do this?
Stop it, Kam. Breathe. You got this. Everything else, all the bullshit you’ve been through…it was all for
this
. This moment. Prove that you’re strong. That you’re a fighter. That you can be fearless. Because if anyone is worth the risk of falling, it’s him.
The sound of Angel’s voice signaled my entrance, and with trembling legs, I forced myself from the safety of backstage. I shielded my eyes to adjust to the bright beam of the fluorescents and stepped forward. Luckily, the packed audience was still too wrapped up in their drinks, food, and conversation to even notice my approach. Good. Maybe I’d remain safe and hidden, overshadowed by the powerhouse that was Angel Cassidy and the rest of the A.D. bombshells.
But Lady Luck was a bitch in too-tight stilettos that liked to do the Electric Slide on my glimmer of hope. The only thing I could be thankful for was the fact that his back was turned. But even in the crowded bar, I instantly zeroed in on his heavily inked arms and messily styled, sandy brown hair. Every synapse jolted to attention then tingled with remembrance. My stomach coiled into a knot that Popeye himself couldn’t get out of. My body knew him, had felt him. And undoubtedly missed him.
Even with the hushed whispers of my return swirling about, Blaine remained in deep conversation with his cousin, CJ. The crowd around them, mostly comprised of scantily clad girls, vied for their attention, yet the pair seemed totally oblivious. One chick in particular was damn near trying to force feed Blaine her tits.
Maybe this was a mistake. Blaine didn’t want me here; he even told Angel that. He was leaving. If he felt anything for me, why would he move to the other side of the world?
The room quieted a decibel when I stepped up to the mic with my guitar, yet Blaine still didn’t turn around. I looked over at Angel, who shot me an encouraging smile with a nod of her head. I shrugged. I was here. Getting to this point was half the battle and I’d be damned if I turned back now.
Without saying a word to even introduce myself, I began to play. At first, the strings felt foreign under my fingertips. Almost like a lover that you hadn’t kissed in ages. But soon, familiarity kicked in, flooding me with feelings of comfort and serenity. Angel was right - this was where I belonged. Nothing made me feel more fearless…more like
me
. Nothing could hurt me here. That broken girl had been fixed and set free.
With my eyes trained on Blaine as I belted out the first notes, I could see his body stiffen. He knew my voice. He had heard me. But I needed him to really
hear
me. To listen to the words that I had penned just for him months ago. The words I was too afraid to tell him.
In pieces when you found me
Shattered like broken glass
So scared that you would see
What hid behind this tattered mask
Slowly, he turned around, and his stunned gaze sought mine. The moment our eyes locked, I knew that my fate was sealed.
I had fallen into forever.
I would never be able to move on from
this
, from him. From that scary-beautiful man that I was hopelessly in love with. And fear bloomed into exhilaration. Anxiety morphed into sheer joy.
I sang every word to him as if no one else existed. In my world, no one did. He was my all.
My everything
. He was the only thing that could save me. He already had.
The thought of loving and losing
Baby, it terrifies me
Didn’t know what I was doing
Just wanted to be free
The entire bar fell silent as Angel and I continued to play, our voices blending in perfect harmony as we fell into the chorus, as seamless and steady as one voice. The music wrapped around us, guiding our fingers and tongues. The rest of the A.D. girls caught onto the melody and began to improvise with their own instruments.
I was there - that sweet spot where everything came together. The picture was no longer blurry; I could see it - I could see Blaine - as clear as day. And I no longer played my guitar; I became it. I no longer sang; I was song.
But now you see
The mess that I’ve made
Feeling so desperate
Just wanted the pain to fade
Time and time again
Tried to push you away
I know that I’m crazy
But you make it okay
Blaine’s eyes never strayed from mine as he sat as still as stone. Even when some bleach blonde bimbo tried to grab his attention, he was unmovable. Unshakable. Just as he had always been. Blaine was a constant.
My
constant. Somehow he had become just as necessary to me as Dom or Angel. He had become my family.
As we neared the conclusion, I let my eyes close and just…
felt.
I let the emotions those lyrics evoked flood through me. I let the truth of those words set me free from fear and worry.
This wasn’t only for Blaine. No, this was the Emancipation of Kami Duvall. The once broken girl who had put herself back together. The scared child that survived even when she didn’t have the will to. I kissed that little girl goodbye. I let go of the fear that had been my only friend at times. I didn’t need it anymore. I had love.
I’m not afraid
Of monsters and ghosts
But the thought of losing you
Is what scares me the most
I opened my eyes once the song ended, and Blaine was right below me, standing at the edge of the stage. His cheeks glistened with tears, and his deep brown eyes were rimmed with red. The sight of him sent a surge of courage through my veins, and I stripped off my guitar and handed it to Angel before jumping down to join him below. I didn’t even hear the raucous cheers and claps. I just needed to hear his voice, telling me that it wasn’t too late. That I hadn’t lost him.