Beside a Dreamswept Sea (30 page)

She’d been a crazy fool to dream—even for a second. And crazier still for letting herself forget even for that short time the truth about who and what she was. It’d snuck up on her, not that there was solace in knowing it. It’d just been so damn easy to let the feminine side of her flourish under Bryce’s tender touches and open smiles; to leave herself wide open to his gentle requests spoken straight from his heart that proved him every bit as vulnerable as she herself. No woman with blood in her veins could have staved off the torrential flow of feelings his kisses inspired. They were too powerful and strong. Too fantastic. No woman could have done it. On feeling her touch, he’d trembled with pleasure. On touching her, he’d sighed his satisfaction. On looking at her, genuine desire had glazed his beautiful eyes. What woman could
not
dream on looking into his eyes?

Cally sighed. Certainly not her.

“So the moral of the story is, you just don’t gaze.” Just off the shore, a gull dived for a fish. “You just don’t gaze. That’s your only way out.”

A burning ache hollowed her insides until she felt empty. She
was
doing the right thing. She
was.
Suzie had looked abandoned, discarded. Cally felt as
if she had abandoned them all. The guilt was crushing, but she had no choice. She’d thought about it until she’d dropped, and there wasn’t any alternative. Total severance. No contact. That was the only thing she could do. And she had to trust that it would prove the best thing for them and for her.

Oh, Mary Beth. It isn’t only loving a man that can kill a woman inside. It’s loving anyone. Everyone. Yet life without love, well, what’s it worth? It hurts. They hurt. I hurt. Do you know how it’s killing me inside, knowing I’ve hurt them? I’ve wanted children all my life. I wanted to love and care for them, to nurture them. I lost everything once. Why, damn it, must I lose even more again? Why?

Tony cleared his throat.
Have you considered that maybe you hurt and they hurt because this decision is wrong?

Tony. Cally thought over his question, though she could have answered right away. “I’ve considered it to the point of exhaustion. More than once. It’s not wrong, Tony. I wish to God it were, but it’s . . . not.” She let her fingertip glide along the bead of caulk seaming the window ledge and the window. “When I made this decision two days ago, it wasn’t wrong, and it’s not wrong now. And tomorrow, when I ask myself it again, it won’t be wrong then, either, though I’ll foolishly pray it will be. It won’t be wrong because it’s right.”

Maybe you’ve figured this all out, but I haven’t. Care to enlighten me?

“Not really.”

Do it anyway. I’m testy because of Thanksgiving, so I’m not really as compassionate as usual. And I’m tired of seeing Suzie hurt. Getting her back on track and over these nightmares is my responsibility, and your interjecting what’s certain to prove a major setback is destined to cramp my style. So, if disassociating yourself from Bryce and the kids is the right thing to do, how come it hurts all of you so much?

“I can’t believe I have to explain this to you. Of all people, you should know the answer, Tony. Hell, after fifty-one years of disassociating but staying near Miss Hattie, you still mourn not talking with her, not holding her. And she still mourns, too. I know you know that. So why don’t you tell me? If it’s right, then why does it hurt?”

This isn’t about me and what I think. It’s about you and Bryce and the kids, and I want to understand your situation from your perspective. Enlighten me, Cally.

She smiled, but there was no joy in it, only sadness. “Because love hurts. It hurt me with Gregory. Bryce with Meriam. You and Miss Hattie. Now, it’s hurting me with Bryce and with the kids. It’s hurting Bryce and the kids, too.”

Pausing to collect herself, she let her words flow out unchecked. “I didn’t expect to love the kids, Tony. But I do. And that only reinforces the lessons I should’ve learned already. No matter how good it starts out, or how innocently, in the end, love always hurts. I’ve hurt all the people I intend to hurt. And I’ve hurt all I can bear for love, Tony. It’s that simple.”

Is it? Aren’t you forgetting something important here?

“No.”

You are.
He sounded impatient.
You’ve felt a lot of joy in loving Bryce, and the kids too, Cally. I know you have. I’ve seen it. Felt it. Sensed it. And I’ve had a lot of joy in loving Hattie—even with our special circumstances. A lot of joy. I’m not going to stand here and let you forget that or deny it.

“Miss Hattie sure didn’t look joyful the other night in the kitchen. She cried her heart out.”

That’s different.

“The hell it is. She hasn’t seemed joyful since Bryce wrenched his knee.”

I said, that’s different. Something else is happening here that you know nothing about.

Cally turned toward his voice and gasped. Tony stood there, just off the edge of the braided rug. “Oh, God.”

Don’t faint.
He held out a hand, as if that’d keep her from it.

“I’m—I’m not. Just—just next time give me a little warning, okay?”

Sorry. I got emotional.
He ran a forked finger through his golden-brown hair. The sun set the brass buttons on his Army uniform to winking. “I know Hattie’s hurting. This is a rough time for both of us.”

Thanksgiving was coming fast. Cally knew from Bryce that Tony had proposed to Miss Hattie on Thanksgiving night, but she didn’t mention it now. Tony looked ready to crumble, or explode. He needed to talk, and he lacked having a lot of options on listeners. Knowing how much a friendly ear could help, thanks to Mary Beth and Bryce, Cally couldn’t
not
offer to listen. “Care to enlighten me?”

He leaned a shoulder against the wall, crossed his arms over his chest, much as she had, to hold all the hurt inside. “Sometimes I wonder if Hattie would’ve been better off without me.” He shoved away then stuffed a hand down into his pocket. “You know what I mean.”

Cally turned, folded a leg up under her, and watched him pace. “No, I’m afraid I don’t.”

He shrugged, looked over her shoulder out onto the cliffs. “Maybe she would have fallen in love again and married and had children.”

“She wouldn’t have.”

“She might have,” he insisted. “Vic’s been in love with her for more years than I can count.”

“He loved you too, though. He couldn’t have married Miss Hattie. Not loving both of you.”

“He might have.”

“I don’t think so.” Cally cocked her head. “I’ve heard about you and him and Hatch being the Three Musketeers of Sea Haven Village. He wouldn’t have. Vic’s too proud to be a substitute in the heart of a woman he loves.”

“Someone else, then. She’d have had all she dreamed of having. A life with a family and children. I’m ashamed to admit this, Cally, but it’s only just occurred to me that by vowing to always be with her, and keeping that vow, I’ve robbed Hattie of a life.” Tony’s expression twisted. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“You love her.”

“Yes.” His eyes grew glossy. “I always have.”

“And you always will.” Cally sighed wistfully. “That’s the thing about this love business, Tony. It does what it wants, regardless of what we want.” Miss Hattie’s words, the night of their crying jag, came back to Cally. And finally she fully understood them. “It wouldn’t have mattered.”

He slid her a questioning look.

“If you’d stayed or broken your vow and gone away. It wouldn’t have mattered,” Cally said. “Miss Hattie loves you, Tony. It’s that rare kind of love, like Collin and Cecelia had. The one that started the legend of love surpassing death because it’s stronger and lives on.” She paused to collect her thoughts. “Whether you were here, or somewhere else, it wouldn’t have changed anything. She wouldn’t have married. She’s not the kind to marry without love, and that she couldn’t give to anyone else because she’s felt it only for you.”

Tony turned his back to Cally and swallowed a knot from his throat. Now, because he had interceded in Suzie’s dream, because he continued nightly to intercede in Suzie’s dream, it appeared he and Hattie were going to lose what little they did have together—if Sunshine proved right.

He’d broken the rules. Had willfully breached the chain of command. And he had attempted—and still was attempting—to alter what would be Suzie’s personal history.

It was wrong. He knew that. And yet to live with himself, he’d had to do it. Just as he had to keep on doing it.

I know you’re upset, but remember your duties.

Sunshine. Tony held off a grimace.
I know my duties.

Well, far be it from me to interfere, but—

Then don’t interfere. Who are you, anyway?

It doesn’t matter any more now than it did the first time you asked, Tony. Just help Cally muddle through this. That’s your job.

I know my job.

Then quit fritzing around and do it.

I hate bossy women about as much as I hate blueberries.

Help Cally, Tony. And consider the costs of what you’re doing with Suzie. I know your heart’s in the right place, but it’s going to land you in big trouble. And it’s going to break Hattie’s heart. Haven’t you hurt her enough?

I never wanted to hurt her at all. Never. But I can’t turn my back on Suzie. What kind of man could do that?

But you’re no longer a man. That’s my point. You’re a ghost.

I still feel like a man, damn it. I still love and hate and—

Hurt. Yes, dear, I know you do. I know . . .

Sunshine left. For where, Tony had no idea. Nor did he care. And he’d croak again before admitting it, but he
was
letting this issue with Hattie sidetrack him from his duties here. But how could he help it?

He looked back at Cally. Slumping on the window seat, her arms folded, her chin resting on her forearms, her eyes unfocused, she looked so . . . sad. A flicker of resolve inside him blazed to a flame. “Cally?”

“Hmm?” She stared out the window.

“I know you’ve made up your mind that staying away from Bryce and the kids is the right thing to do.”

“What choice do I have? They’re going home, Tony. They’ll have each other. But I’ll be here. Left behind with the sand pails and other memories.”

“Know what I think?”

No answer.

“I think you’re running scared. You’re letting the fear of getting hurt keep you from reaching out.”

“I’ve reached out before. I got knocked down.”

“I know. But there’s something else you’re forgetting.”

“I remember it all, Tony. Every cutting word, every slur, every pain, and every tear.” She smoothed a shaky hand over the soft folds of her skirt.

“I can see that you do.” He looked her straight in the eye. “But are you remembering that Gregory isn’t Bryce? That
this
man isn’t
that
man?”

“I’m not confusing them. They’re nothing alike, and I know it.” She stood up, then pointed at the cheval mirror. “But the point isn’t them, it’s me. I still can’t look in that glass and like what I see. Until I do, I can’t risk anything else. I don’t have anything left to lose.”

“You’re hurting, I know that. But you’re also hurting them. All of them.”

“I know.” She squeezed her eyes shut, her hands into fists at her sides. “But this pain is nothing compared to what it would be if I really let myself love them.”

“The heart—”

“Knows the truth,” she interrupted. “I know that, too. Don’t you think I know that, too? But they can’t love me.”

“Cally, they do love you. You are lovab—”

“No, don’t even say it. It’s not true and it won’t change,” she firmly insisted, lifting her chin. “I know they hurt right now. But they’ll get over it soon enough. By Christmas I’ll be a fleeting memory and no more.”