Chapter 41
Brook knew Lance had something on his mind. Several times during the day he had opened his mouth to speak and then firmly shut it again. Finally, she decided to take the initiative. “Is something wrong?”
“What? Why?” Lance stammered.
“I think you want to ask me something, or maybe tell me something. You’ve seemed at odds all day today. I’ve caught you starting to speak and then stopping. What’s wrong?”
Lance blushed deeply. “Well, I’ve noticed something and don’t quite know how to approach the subject.”
“Head on is usually best,” Brook said. She was extremely anxious, wondering what could cause this gentle man to be so concerned.
“Okay. You’ve been here almost two months and I’ve noticed you haven’t needed,” he paused and cleared his throat. “Women’s products,” he finally managed.
“Women’s products?” Brook was puzzled.
“Is it possible you’re pregnant? By…well, you know.”
“Oh! Oh, I see. No, I’m not pregnant. I can’t get pregnant, but I admit to being worried about STDs. So far I haven’t seen any signs, but I’ll be mighty happy to get to my doctor and have her give me a clean bill of health.”
“I’m sorry for prying but I thought maybe there was something we needed to be doing if you were with baby. Maybe upping your doses of vitamins. Something.”
He looked so abashed that Brook rushed to assure him it was okay that he asked. “Don’t worry about it, Lance. It’s actually nice that you were concerned. But, like I said, I can’t have children; I don’t have a uterus.”
Lance harrumphed into his hand. “You don’t have to explain.”
“No, but I think I will all the same.” She stared into the crackling fire in the fireplace, but it was obvious she didn’t see the flames. Slowly, she began to speak.
“When Clark and I decided it was time to have children, I went off the pill. I was one of the fortunate women who didn’t have to wait long before I found out I was pregnant. I was overjoyed, and Clark seemed pleased with the idea.” She paused, reflecting, her thoughts on that joyous time that ended in devastation.
Brook couldn’t wait for Clark to get home. That morning, she had seen her doctor and had been ecstatic to find out she was pregnant. She would sit to read only to jump up and pick up the telephone. Then she would decide she wanted to tell him face to face and would drop the phone back into the cradle. Minutes later she would start to text him on her cell phone but would again stop. Finally, to keep from going totally insane, she took a long bath and then a nap.
Clark came home to find Brook waiting for him inside the door from the garage. Surprised but pleased, he slipped an arm around her waist and said, “Hello beautiful. To what do I owe this honor?”
Bubbling over, Brook grinned from ear to ear and blurted out, “You’re going to be a daddy.”
Clark had frozen, totally surprised by the news. When he finally could speak he asked, “Already? Wow! That was quick.”
Disappointment flooded through Brook. She felt as if ice water were flowing through her veins. “I thought you’d be happy.”
Clark’s face changed. He smiled and pulled her close to him. “Oh, I am happy. You just caught me by surprise.” He held Brook at arm’s length and looked over her body. “You don’t look pregnant.”
Brook laughed as relief poured over her. “Well, I’m only about six weeks along. Just barely pregnant.” She lovingly caressed her tummy.
That night in bed, Clark laid his head on her stomach and gazed up into her eyes. “A baby! Wow.” He began to nuzzle around her belly button, working his way up to her mouth where he kissed her with rising passion. Suddenly he stopped. “Can we have sex?”
“What?” Brook asked. “Oh! Of course. We did last night, didn’t we?”
“It’s okay then?”
Brook showed him in no uncertain terms that it was definitely okay.
First thing the next morning, Brook called home. Her mom was excited she was going to be a grandmother again. “You’re not going to have twins too, are you?” she had asked with a giggle.
“Oh! I hope not.” Then she thought about her adorable nieces and said, “Well, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. I almost hope I do have two babies. I have enough love for more than one.”
“That you do,” her mom agreed.
As the days passed, Clark lost some of his enthusiasm. He still feigned interest, but Brook could tell that his main concern was whether the baby would be a boy, someone to carry on his name. As for her, she didn’t care what the sex was; she wanted to run out immediately and start buying baby things: clothes, furniture, and toys. And, that's what she did, went shopping. There was no way she could wait twenty weeks until the first sonogram to start preparing for the next stage in her life.
Clark gave Brook carte blanche to decorate the nursery. Several attempts to include him in the decorating fell flat and revealed that he didn’t really care what she did to the room; anything would be okay. Brook convinced herself it was probably normal; men weren’t really into teddy bears and mobiles. She opted for a color scheme of green, yellow, and orange. Green for its association with nature, serenity, and growth. Yellow for its association with the sun. And orange because it implied happiness and expansiveness. Since yellow and orange can be too active a color to promote sleep, she decided to use these two colors as accents and in pale shades. The walls would be tea green with yellow curtains. Brook had found a bumper set in a soft orange and commissioned an afghan to be made from the same color to drape over the rocking chair she planned to buy. She picked out a whimsical border of nursery rhyme characters to go around top of the walls.
It had taken three weeks for the nursery to be finished. She had grabbed Clark’s hand and dragged him to the room to see the final result. Brook had stood in the center of the room with her hand on her expanding belly, visualizing the room with a crib, herself holding a cooing baby. Clark had shown moderate interest, but Brook was happy enough for both of them and didn’t concern herself with his less than enthusiastic participation.
At ten weeks, Brook had begun to spot blood. She was frantic when she arrived at the clinic but the doctor soothed her and scheduled an immediate sonogram. Everything looked normal and the doctor explained that some women experienced spotting for no apparent reason. She could find absolutely nothing that Brook should be worried over. Brook left feeling a little concerned but trusting her doctor. After a week or so, the bleeding stopped and Brook was once again overcome by the need to buy baby stuff.
Brook went on a shopping spree. She purchased a basinet which would remain beside her and Clark’s bed until the baby was old enough to sleep in a crib. For the baby's room, she chose a pretty white nursery set; crib, changing table, dresser, and rocking chair. Wandering the aisles of the specialty store, she found a cute, wind-up mobile in orange, yellow, and green. It represented the nursery rhyme ‘Hey Diddle Diddle’ and went perfectly with the room’s border. She also couldn’t resist buying a few sleepers, booties, and blankets. After her twenty-week sonogram, when she found out the baby’s sex, she planned to buy the car seat, stroller, and other paraphernalia.
When the furniture had been delivered and set up, the room was perfect, with one exception; she still had to wait another twenty-two weeks for the baby. Anticipation kept her buoyed and exuberant. She took pictures of the room and sent them to her mom, sister, and brother. Several times a day, she strolled past the nursery just so she could peek inside. Life was wonderful.
And then, disaster struck. At nineteen weeks, Brook began to spot again. She reassured herself that it was normal, but by the end of the week, the spotting had become a flow. She rushed to the clinic and the doctor admitted her to the hospital for testing.
Blood tests were ordered and exams were performed. Brook went into labor in the early evening. Clark called her mom and dad and they began the trip to Denver. The fear was even harder to bear than the pain. She couldn’t lose this baby; she wouldn’t. She wanted it so badly! But her hopes were shattered. Before the night was through, Brook had a spontaneous abortion.
And then, when she thought life could be no crueler, she was dealt a losing hand. Her placenta wasn’t birthing and complications arose. Brook was rushed to surgery where it was discovered her placenta hadn’t detached from the uterine wall. The doctor had to perform an emergency hysterectomy to remove her uterus in order to stop the hemorrhaging. Brook was left with no baby in her arms now and no chance of a baby later. She sank into a deep depression.
As Brook reached this part of her story, she broke down crying. Lance gathered her into his arms and rocked her gently. It was quite a while before she regained her composure, and then she excused herself to go to the restroom. By the time she came out, Lance had a good start on lunch. He paused in his task, a look of concern on his face. "Brooklyn?"
She shrugged slightly and murmured, "Everything's fine, Lance, I'm just tired. I think I'll lie down for awhile. “Brook curled up on her bed and drifted into an uneasy sleep.
Lance left her resting and disappeared into his work room while the meal cooked. When he returned, he sat next to her on the side of the bed and brushed her hair from her face. Brook opened her eyes and smiled softly. He left his hand lingering on her cheek as he asked, “Hey! Ready to eat?”
Brook, sensing his worry, stated, “I’m okay, Lance, really. It still gets to me sometimes; probably more right now. I feel pretty vulnerable still.”
They spoke of trivial things during the meal. Lance told Brook how Gilbert was getting antsy about being cooped up all the time. She was overjoyed when he had turned her out of the pen that morning so he could muck it out. “That goat knows where every stump is, even when they’re covered by snow. She gallivanted around for a few minutes and then gave a mighty leap into the air, landing delicately with her four feet together on a high stump. Not bad for a pregnant nanny.”
“Gilbert’s pregnant?” Brook asked with a smile. “That sounds really funny to say, doesn’t it?”
“Yep. Not something you hear every day of the week, that’s for sure. Good old Gilbert. She’s quite the lusty gal. And sneaky, too. Even though she’s been penned up most of the time, she still managed a tryst with her boyfriend. I suppose it’s a good thing, though. She’s going to keep me in fresh milk come spring.” He laughed and his eyes shone with pride. Brook could see how much Gilbert meant to him and was glad it was the less-favored goat the cougar had killed.
Brook helped with the clean up. She liked being this close to Lance, their arms touching off and on, his warm smile when he looked down at her. When the dishes were done, she went to her purse and rummaged through the meager contents. She moved to sit at the table, holding a pink laminated card. She read from it silently and then held it to her chest as she picked up the story where she had left off earlier.
“After losing the baby I had no desire to continue with my life. The doctor had given me anti-depressants and sleeping pills, and I seriously considered taking them to end my pain, to join my baby. Knowing how hard it would be on my mom and dad was the only thing that stopped me going through with it.”
Lance moved to sit beside Brook, leaving a little space between them. He wanted to be near if she needed him but didn’t want crowd her.
“My mom stayed at our house for a couple of weeks. I tried to put on a positive face and eventually she left for home, but I could tell she was still worried. Clark babied me to begin with, but when I showed no signs of improvement, he began to get annoyed. He even told me I needed to ‘snap out of it’, like I could just blink and be through with my pain and sorrow.”
Lance stood and got Brook a glass of water. After a few sips, she continued. “I’d find myself standing outside the nursery, unable to open the door and enter. I’d just stand, staring at the knob until Clark would come and get me. Finally, I sought therapy.”
Brook recalled the long drawn-out sessions with her therapist, all the tears she had cried, the anger she had expressed. She was advised to keep a journal, to write down everything that was pleasurable about her pregnancy, and to keep these good thoughts near while pushing away the bad. She joined a support group but found the pain of the other women too much to bear; although, the few meetings she attended did open her eyes to the fact that she wasn’t alone and that some women actually held living babies only to have them ripped from their arms by death.
Brook’s baby had been a girl, so she had bought and embellished the front of a baby book in fancy lettering with the name her daughter would have had: Lacey Joelle Parrish. The pages inside held pictures of the nursery and the tiny outfits she had already bought. She wrote about the wonderful moments when she had found out she was pregnant and the first time the baby kicked, her awe at the miracle of life. How Clark would caress her tummy and feel for movement. How much she had enjoyed preparing the nursery for its new little occupant. Knowing the book wasn't supposed to hold sorrow, she skipped everything that came during and after losing the baby.
One day, while searching the internet for help in dealing with her loss, she found a poem written by Denise Hanstad, another unfortunate mother who had lost her baby at birth. Keeping a copy for herself, she added this poem to the book and decided it was complete. Packing a suitcase with the Lacey Joelle's book nestled between her clothes, Brook went home to visit her mom and dad. There, she went to a quiet little cemetery in the country, a spot she had often found comforting with its pastoral setting and the century-old stones that remembered people long forgotten. She leafed through the book one last time and then buried it in the soft ground below the outspread branches of a beautiful tree. Lacey Joelle now had an eternal home; somewhere Brook could visit if she wanted.
Brook paused in her story and held the pink card in front of her. Looking at it with unseeing eyes, she read from memory.
A tiny hand we'll never hold.
A child without a name.