"I want to see Maddy..."
"She just went back to sleep she
woke up sick, you're not waking her up. You can come back later if
you want but if you come here with any bullshit it'll be the last
time. I've had my quota of bullshit for the year so hear me out,
she came to me, she's carrying my kid, she's still my wife so
whatever I want to do with her is my fucking business. You're her
dad, I understand that but please understand that you have no say
in this situation, this is between my wife and me. You try to get
involved I will pack her up and be gone until my kid is born safe
and sound, you following me?"
"Damn Dominic, I never thought I'd
see the day when you could be this hard, not with her."
"Yeah well you never know how you'll
react to the whole town thinking your wife was fucking around on
you while you were off protecting your country. Trust me the fact
that your daughter is still among the living should tell you how
safe she is with me."
"Dominic..."
"Save it, there's nothing you can
say to make this shit any better, the situation is
fucked."
"Just tell me one thing, am I going
to have to put her back together when all is said and
done?"
"I don't know chief I really don't
know, I might wake up tomorrow and decide to forgive her who knows;
but right now I can barely stand to look at her, that answer your
question?" I didn't give him time to answer, just turned and went
back in.
I guess she had heard our voices or
his engine because she was standing in the living room when I
walked back inside. The look on her face told me she'd heard every
word. "Don't even think about it, you came here and here's where
you're staying." I'd seen her intent to go after her father and
nipped that shit in the bud. She wasn't leaving my sight until I
had my kid in my hands.
The next few days were the strangest
of my fucking life; we had to come up with a whole new routine.
Instead of the closeness we usually shared during our morning
ablutions we moved around each other like two strangers. I spent
the morning hours holding her hair back and cleaning her up after
my baby made her sick as a dog. I'd made her tea that second
morning after having read up on some of the remedies women used for
morning sickness the day before.
Later that same day I went out and
bought cases of crackers and ginger ale and everything that was
mentioned that could possibly help. After that I pretty much left
her alone; it hurt me still to see her looking so forlorn and sulky
but I wasn't in the relenting mood.
"When's your next doctors
appointment?"
"In a few days."
She was working at her computer,
which was her usual deal when things were good between us. She
worked on her manuscript while I puttered around in my workshop or
traded on the net; then we'd break for lunch together usually
followed by a wild bout of fucking which could sometimes last until
late evening. Now we didn't even touch except when I was helping
her while she was being ill.
"I'm coming with you I have some
questions." I saw the hurt look that fell on her face; no doubt she
thought I was talking about a DNA test but that isn't where I was
going. Too bad I don't feel like putting her mind at
ease.
"Besides I don't trust your cheating
ass so you're not going anywhere without me until my kid's born." I
saw her flinch but I didn't give a fuck, she made that bed she
could lie in it. The day might come when I forgive her for that
bullshit but today wasn't it.
MADELYN
Geez he's a hard headed son of a
bitch; after that crack about not trusting me he'd left and gone to
his workshop in the back. I'd cried a little before bucking it up
and holding onto my resolve to see this through. I know I messed up
but I thought we were strong enough to overcome that little lapse.
There's nothing I wouldn't do to keep my marriage, Dominic has
always been my one and only. With him I'm more than I am without
him; the thing with Simon was just a stupid slip. I didn't even
have any feelings for him, not like that at least, he's always just
been a really cool friend. Now because of one stupid mistake I'd
lost a friend and damaged my relationship with my husband because I
had no doubt that whatever happened, he'd never forget this. I know
I wouldn't if things were reversed, and that's what scares
me.
"It's time to feed my kid." How long
had I been sitting there like that? I hadn't even heard him come
back in. He had a plate in his hand, which he set down on my desk
before leaving the room again. He was so excited about the baby, I
could tell even though he tried to hide it. Every once in a while
I’d catch him reading something on the net and he’d get this look
of his face like he couldn’t wait, but he wouldn't share any of
that joy with me.
That too I had robbed him of with my
selfishness. I picked up the sandwich and bit in as I contemplated
my next move. Maybe I could use the pregnancy to shorten the gap
between us; it was worth a try anyway. I played around with it in
my head for a little while before making my approach. If he shot me
down again I’m not sure how I would take it, my heart had taken
about all it could stand for now.
"Dominic may I talk to you for a
minute please? Please it'll only take a minute then I'll leave you
alone."
"What is it Madelyn?" Lord he
sounded so tired, it made me want to cry; how had I done this to
this strong man, how had I brought us to this?
"I know you're mad at me and you
have every right to be; but this is our first baby and I don't want
us to miss out on any of those first that comes with that. I want
us to enjoy its first kick together and all the other little things
that comes with pregnancy. Please I know you hate me but I don't
want to do this alone, I don't want our baby to miss out on your
love because of something I did." I felt the tears start but
couldn't stop them in time so I just wiped them away as fast as I
could. He just looked at me for the longest time without saying
anything and I held my breath waiting for the explosion. Maybe I
shouldn’t have done this, I started to turn away but then he
finally spoke.
"Come here." I was in his lap faster
than he could blink; I hadn't realized just how much I'd missed
this, this closeness, the feeling of being held in his wonderful
arms. I wish I could stay here forever, safe and sheltered the way
I always was before I’d thrown it all away. His arms felt like home
and I snuck a quick sniff of his shirt as I settled myself on his
lap. At least he wasn’t pushing me away, not yet anyway.
"You say first as though there might
be others."
"I'm hoping, oh how I hope so." If
there weren’t, if we didn’t get through this and find our way back
to each other I’d just die.
He didn't say anything for a while,
just held me on his lap as he gave thought to my words. I took the
time to breathe him in, to enjoy that sense of the familiar that
had been missing these last few days. It wasn’t like us to be
around each other like this without some type of byplay. Dominic’s
appetite for sex was off the charts; I can’t imagine that it has
been easy for him going without that intimacy for so long,
unless…no he wouldn’t. My heart couldn’t stand the thought so I
shied away from it.
"I don't hate you Madelyn, I'm just;
I need time to think about what I want. I'm not gonna lie to you,
right now I don't know what I really feel, I do know that I don't
want you away from me with my kid inside you, let that be enough
for now. As to what you're saying we'll see, I don't want to miss
out on anything ether but I don't see how we can share those things
with things being the way they are. I can't sleep with you because
I'll want you and I won't touch you feeling the way I do, that'll
be an insult to the memory of what we had. I can promise to try to
let go of some of my anger but it's not gonna happen overnight I'm
sorry."
I cried for the second time that day
as my heart broke inside, he really was gone from me. Even though
the words had been spoken calmly instead of the anger of late, I
finally accepted. My Dominic was never going to love me the way he
once did. In that moment I believed if not for the child in my womb
I might've ended my life so absolute was the pain in my
soul.
I wish I could say her tears moved
me and all was forgiven but that's not how it went. I let her cry
it out until she was done then set her aside to get her something
to drink. Everything I did was for my kid, I won't say I wished her
ill but I really didn't care about her one way or the other, not
right now. There's no way that she could make me understand how she
could've done it, she was supposed to be mine, in love; was love so
fickle that a bout of loneliness could make you stray? I don't
know, I never thought so, I would never have done that to her not
in a million fucking years and I've had opportunities. Even now,
feeling the way I do, I couldn't see myself going out there and
putting my hands on another woman.
That evening I did something really
fucked up. She made dinner and set the table, I guess she knew
better than to call me to dinner but I knew she wanted me to sit
with her and eat at least. But I couldn't give her even that and it
pissed me the fuck off that she kept trying. So instead I walked
right pass her at the table, took my keys off the hook by the door,
slammed out the house and drove down the mountain.
I had no real destination in mind,
wasn't going anywhere in particular until I ended up at the only
diner in the small town. People called out hello when I walked to
the back of the place to take a booth. I just waved and kept going
I didn't want to talk to anyone. Her friend Brenda was sitting with
a group of women and gave me the eye. Skanky twat, she probably
thought the coast was clear now that Maddy and me were on the
outs.
One of Maddy’s friends Donna came
over and said hi. Donna was cool people, she was nothing like
Brenda, at least not as far as I could tell from the few times we’d
met. She looked miserable as shit as she approached me. “Dominic I
don’t mean to get in your business and I can’t really talk here but
I think there was something more going on that night at the bar.”
What the fuck? I guess the murderous glare I gave her put the fear
of hell in her because she took a quick step back.
“No not like that, I just mean Maddy
wasn’t acting herself you know? She’s never been a drinker and she
didn’t have that much to drink to begin with, but she started
acting really weird. I never had a chance to find out what was
going on with her because Brenda kept getting between us, but I
just thought you should know, I don’t think that what happened was
all Maddy’s fault.” The way she sneered at Brenda’s name made me
take notice.
She walked off and went back to her
table with her family as I perused the room. The only one who
seemed interested in our conversation was none other than Brenda
herself.
It didn't take her long to saunter
over to my table with her sugary sweet smile. I didn't stop her
when she leaned over and kissed my cheek, I guess I should've
because she seemed to take that as an invitation to sit
down.
"So how're things Dominic you
hanging in there? I'm sorry about the trouble with Maddy and Simon
I tried telling her but she just wouldn't listen."
I looked at her without answering
for five minutes, by minute three she was starting to squirm under
my scrutiny.
"What was it that you tried telling
her exactly Brenda huh?"
"Oh well you know about that…that
night..."
"What about it?"
"You know, you know what
happened."
"I do, my wife told me all about
it." Her eyes grew wide and she looked…nervous. What the fuck was
that about?
"She did, but how could she
remember...?" She closed her mouth real quick after
that.
"What did you say?" I got a bad
feeling in the pit of my stomach at her words and the way she was
acting. Something was way wrong with this picture but I couldn’t
put my finger on it. Something she said was sending off warning
signals in my gut, but what? She hadn’t said much of
anything.
"Nothing nothing I just meant that
with the amount of alcohol she had she might not have remembered."
She fidgeted nervously as she was suddenly more interested in
avoiding my eyes than she had been when she first made her way over
to me. Somehow I didn't buy her bullshit cover either.
"I changed my mind I'm not hungry
after all."
"Oh but..." I didn't even spare her
a glance as I walked out.
All the way back up the mountain my
mind was whirling and I felt sick. If what I was thinking was true
then I was in a world of shit.
I heard her weeping as soon as I
opened the door. Without giving any thought to what I was doing I
went straight to the room she was currently using because I'd
kicked her out of my bed. She was lying in the middle of the bed in
the fetal position rocking back and forth as she cried her little
heart out.
Fuck, that can't be good for my kid.
I kicked off my shoes and laid down next to her pulling her into my
arms. She clung to me like a vine, her tears soaking the front of
my shirt.