Betrayed (The Worshipped Series Book 2) (31 page)

As the words leave his lips my world changes. There’s no way this is right. There has to be some sort of mistake. Dominic, the same man that has been after Riley, Isaac, and Conner, is the man that raised Jason? I can’t wrap my brain around this. It’s too much. I don’t know how to process everything he has told me. And then knowing the things Dominic has done, and the things that he most likely made Jason do. I can’t listen to anymore. 

I jump up out of my chair and I walk outside. Of all the things I thought he would say, I never thought it’d be that. Everything is starting to make sense now. The reason he met me when he did. The reason he acted the way he did when we first met. The way he asked so many questions about Isaac and Conner. Everything he has ever said or told me has been a complete lie. He was using me to get to them. Everything he made me feel, has been to manipulate me. Everything I know about him isn’t true. I’m in this mess right now because he took me. Why I still don’t have a fucking clue. I have no idea why he chose to do this to me. He could’ve fought against Dominic. I’m sickened with the overwhelming sense of betrayal.   

I hear Jason walk up behind me. I don’t turn around to look at him. I can’t. I don’t know what I will see in his eyes and I am afraid I will run into his arms for him to make everything seem better. But I have to stay strong. I can’t just ignore all this new information. 

“He sent you to me to spy on them didn’t he?” I ask him. 

“Yes.”

“So, I am just a job then? I am just the stupid naïve woman who you and your fucked up boss decided to toy with.”

“Yes. You were just that but not now. Karen, please believe me when I say it changed for me the moment we met. Yes I was still doing the job because if I didn’t…Look, I had no choice. I had to do what he told me. I didn’t want to do any of what he wanted. I watched you for weeks before I decided to actually meet you.”

“How am I supposed to believe anything you tell me now? You used me to get close to them and I am nothing but a damn pawn in this sick and twisted game.” I turn around to face him, “How could you do this to me? How can you sit here and pretend this is alright? This is all kinds of fucked up. This shit doesn’t happen in real life! Why me? Why did you choose me? Or rather, why did Dominic choose me? Was it because I’m the best friend? Because I am the only other person that is able to get close to give you all the dirty details of their life? I will never help you. I’ll never betray Riley and who she loves.”

“Don’t you think I know that? Why do you think we are here? Why would I up and leave, take you, then bring you here if I was still using you? I haven’t asked you a single thing about them since I took you, except for when you called Riley, and that was to make sure Dominic hadn’t found out that I had even left with you. Do you know what he wanted me to do? After everything was done, he wanted me to torture you. He wanted me to do things to you that I have done a million other times while he fucking watched. He wanted me to make you scream, beg, and cry while you bled. My life is fucked up I know that, but you have to listen and at least try to understand why I am this way. I was fucking made to be like this Karen! I didn’t have a choice. When Dominic took me, the first night I was with him he beat me within an inch of my life. Do you want to know why? Because I asked if I could call my mother. I wanted her to know of the fancy life I was going to have, but that is not the way it turned out to be. It was fucking hell for me for years! Don’t you see? I fucking care about you more than my own life. I took you to keep you safe from him. I took you in hopes he would grow tired of this game.”

“What are you saying?”

“I fucking care about you Karen. I care more about you than anything I have ever cared about before. I would gladly accept my fate with Dominic right now if I knew you would be safe. If I knew he wouldn’t hurt you I would fucking die for you. I have literally walked right back into hell for you to see who I am. For you to understand what I am. I have never felt these emotions, and I have no idea what they mean or how to explain them.”

He takes a deep breath and runs his hands through his hair. He turns away from me and looks up to the night sky as if it can help him find the words he wants to say. Maybe I did over react a bit, but fuck, this is a lot for me to take in. To be honest, I don’t know if I can believe anything he is telling me. I thought he cared for me, but knowing he is risking his life for me, well hell, this changes things. By no means do I forgive him for what he has done. That will have to come in its own time, but I can at least listen. Really listen to what he is telling me. And if I do that, I can see his point. He didn’t choose this life. He never wanted this life, at least now he doesn’t. But I don’t know or understand why he is choosing to want something different now. 

He turns around to me and walks the few steps to close the distance between us. I instantly tense, expecting him to hurt me again. He drops his hands and his head at the same time. I know he is sorry for what he did, but he lost control. He cannot lose control like that. I definitely don’t want to die because he can’t keep his shit together. 

“Karen, don’t be afraid of me. I won’t hurt you again I promise.”

“Your word doesn’t mean shit right now, you do realize that right?”

“Yes. I know that. But I … fuck Karen I just need you to listen okay? Can you do that for me? Please?”

Alright, Jason begging is a new one. I nod my head and he leads me back inside the house. I know I freaked out hearing the things he did as a child. I’m only human. Only a person like Jason wouldn’t react the way I did. And the sad part is, my feelings for him haven’t changed. If anything they have grown, and my heart hurts hearing the things he had to go through. A part of me understands, but the other part of me still doesn’t think it’s right. 

We sit down on the couch and I bring my legs to my chest, wrapping my arms tightly around myself. I feel like I need to hold myself together to get through this. I had no idea his past was this dark and fucked up. But I wanted to know. I kept my distance for weeks from him on purpose. It was hard staying away, but I needed him to see he needed to open up to me before I could start to look at him again. Hell before I could even begin to forgive him for the things he has done. Fuck me the shit just keeps piling up. 

“I never wanted you to know any of this. I never wanted to let you know of the darkness in my life. Pretending to be Josh and being with you was the closest I had ever felt in being a normal man. I started to want things that I never really cared for before. Things with you were different. I don’t know why they are but it’s the truth. There is something inside of you that the good part of me craves. I thought I had that once with a woman I dated years ago. Her name was Rachel.”

Fuck me. I don’t know if I can handle hearing him talk about an ex. I have to remind myself that this is the past he is talking of. I have to push down the sudden jealously I feel coming on. This is crazy. I am getting jealous right now? Come on Karen, get your shit together. 

“Marcus introduced me to Rachel one night when we were out. It was a rare time when we actually had free time from Dominic, so we decided we needed a night out. I don’t remember how Marcus knew Rachel, but I was instantly attracted to her. She was sweet, kind, very timid, and all I knew was, I wanted her. We dated for about a year when she started asking about my past. She told me over and over she would accept me as I am and if I opened up to her she wouldn’t love me any less. I didn’t think I loved her, but I pretended to. It was easier to pretend emotions rather than to actually feel them. For a while I wouldn’t tell her about my past. I would always find a way to dodge the questions and the constant nagging from her. It was getting to the point that I didn’t want to be with her anymore because she refused to let it go. Then one night, she told me if I didn’t open up to her she would leave me. I knew I wouldn’t really miss her if she left, but I had gotten used to the normal she brought to my life. Even if it was all for show I still needed something to get me away from all the bloodshed. It isn’t like this with you now. Back then, the feelings I had with her don’t even compare. I have to have the normal with you. I have to have you in my life because without you, I feel as if I might die. Thinking of losing you terrifies me to no end. I panic and think the worst if something small happens. That is another reason I tied you up before. I couldn’t let you go. Still can’t let you go. I need you like the fucking air we breathe. I need you to know that I never, ever, felt this way with Rachel. Not once did I feel my heart stop when you smile or laugh. I don’t know how to explain it. I’m not doing a good job at explaining this am I?”

“I think I understand what you mean and are trying to tell me. Please finish. What happened to Rachel?”

“Rachel died.” He looks at me when he tells me this. 

“What do you mean she died?”

“Dominic eventually found out that I told her everything. He worried she would go to the police. I think he thought I would leave to go to her and he would lose his best trained killer. But he didn’t know when she found out about everything, she left me. She ran away from me thinking I would hurt her. I never blamed her for running. But she betrayed me. She told me she would stay and love me no matter what but in the end, she left. Just like I knew she would. She thought she could handle the harsh truth of it, but she couldn’t.”

“Is that why you didn’t want me to know? A part of you thought I would do the same thing Rachel did?”

“Yes.”

“But, how did she die. Did Dominic kill her?”

“No. No, Dominic didn’t kill her. He made me do it.”

Hearing him tell me this stops all thought process. I can’t even begin to process this. 

“What do you mean he made you kill her?”

He rubs his hands down his face as he gets off the couch and starts to pace around the living room. He clearly doesn’t want to tell me something. I don’t know if I want to know anymore at this point. So much information from him in one night, and I don’t know how to begin to think through it all. 

“Jason?”

“I think I have told you enough for one night. We can talk more later.”

I nod my head knowing he has reached his limit. I think I have as well. I never in my wildest dreams thought this is what he wanted to tell me. I knew his past must have been bad, but I didn’t have a clue it was this bad. I need some time to think about all this. Knowing what he went through as a child breaks my heart. But also knowing he used me to get to Riley, Isaac, and Conner makes me livid. He says he didn’t have a choice but there’s always a choice. That’s the part I don’t understand. He could’ve fought harder to stay away from Dominic. He could’ve done more to fight his darkness inside of him. I know what happened to him as a child was horrible and no child should have to go through that, but as he got older he should’ve went to the police or something. I think a part of him thought that was his life had to be like. He didn’t know any different back then. 

“Thank you for telling me some of your past. I can’t even begin to understand what you must have went through.”

“If you want to leave I will take you wherever you want to go.”

“I’m not going anywhere Jason. I know you think that I will run and leave you. A part of me thinks I should. But there’s another part of me telling me you need me to stay.” I sigh, having mixed feelings about all this. “I obviously have some sort of an effect on you and if I can help you be a better man and make up for the things you have done I will. What kind of person will it make me if I up and leave you knowing I am probably the only one that can help you? I don’t understand why I’m that person, but I won’t abandon you like everyone else in your life has.” I speak the words before I really think about what I am saying to him. Once they leave my mouth, I know what I said is the truth. I can’t leave him. 

I look down at my hands at my confession. Hearing myself say it out loud makes it real. I didn’t even think before saying what I did. But it is the truth. Even if he doesn’t know how I really feel about him, I know I cannot leave. There was a moment when he was telling me after dinner that I thought he knew and felt the same. But I won’t know for sure until he tells me. I find myself wanting him to tell me he loves me, and why I am the one person that can redeem him from his past. 

“I’m going to shower and go to bed. This has been an emotional and crazy night for sure.” I tell him hoping to ease some of the tension in the room. I don’t really know how to act around him right now. 

“Alright. I’ll go … do something.” He says as he watches me get up off the couch. 

We look at each other and I know he wants to say more. I give him a small smile and I walk away from him. I don’t know what else I need to say to him. I am glad he trusted me enough to tell me of his past. He has shown me for the past few weeks how much trust he is willing to give. He let me be on my own. He wasn’t as demanding and most of all, he hasn’t tried to chain me up again. I know he put himself through hell telling me all that he did. I admire him for reliving that hell. And knowing he did that for me, to help me understand him, well that must mean he feels more than what he’s letting on. 

I walk into the bathroom and I turn on the shower. I strip down and welcome the relief the hot water provides. I stand here for a while, just letting the water rush over me. I feel as though I’m letting the water wash away all the horrible things I’ve learned tonight. I have no idea how Jason survived. It dawns on me that he uses his darkness to help him cope with things he cannot control. It’s like his security net. Whenever something happens that he doesn’t understand or can’t handle, that is when the darkness really comes out. I want to think the day he tried to kill me that is what happened. I never asked him. I have tried for weeks to forget that horrible day. I know what he did was wrong. I don’t know if I can forgive him for that. I do know if he ever lets it happen again there will not be a chance for him to make up for it. I will not be that woman who makes excuses for their abusive boyfriends or husbands. I can see the good in Jason, and as long as he is willing to change I will stay and help him be the man he needs to be.