Better Than None (26 page)

Brad already knew that I hadn’t been at the agency for very long before
my mom got sick, so we talked about that, and before I knew it, I was pulling
into the parking lot at work.

When I got to my desk I texted him.

Thank you for the call.

He replied immediately.

It was a nice way to start the day.

If he kept this up, it was going to be impossible to not want him as
more than a friend. Damn him. 

****

I was glad to be back at work and ready to focus on something other
than my mother. I felt guilty feeling that, but there was nothing else I could
do, and I wanted to try to feel normal. I thought if I came to work and got
lost in a project, I wouldn’t be focused on losing my mom. I’d be able to pour
myself into something else.

Marty came in and we had our typical conversation of him asking me how
I was doing, how I was holding up. I didn’t want to look a gift horse in the
mouth, but there were only so many ways I could describe how I felt and I was
getting tired of it. I tried as gracefully as I could to get back to work, but
Marty had other plans.

“You know, we never really had the chance to talk about what happened
at the Christmas party…”

Wow, I didn’t see that coming. “Ummmm, I thought we did… I had too much
to drink and made an ass of myself.”

“I agree with half of that.” Marty got up and closed my door. It was
still early, and there wasn’t really any need for privacy. No one would be
there for at least a half hour.

“Uh, Marty, I was three sheets to the wind. I’m not sure there’s any
debating that.”

“Yeah, you’re right about that. Anyone who bumps and grinds with Tom
has to be drunk.” He chuckled making me squirm and blush.

“Oh God, I’d forgotten about that! Jeez, why’d you have to remind me?”

He smiled and shrugged.

“Well, if that’s not making a fool of myself, I don’t know what is.”

“Actually, I was talking about the ride home.” He said somewhat
sheepishly and now I really didn’t know where this was going.

“Marty?”

“Look, you made some assumptions that weren’t wrong.” He looked at the
floor.

I guess I also wasn’t wrong about what I thought I saw in Marty’s face
when Brad showed up the other day. Finally, at 38, my instincts were kicking
in. I knew Marty and I had a connection from the very start. And I knew why I
felt what I did for him. He was supportive and caring without expecting
anything in return. What I couldn’t understand was what he could have possibly
felt for me. In my mind, all I showed him was someone who was closed off and in
need of special treatment.

One of the things that came with my mother’s diagnosis, subsequent
treatment, and ultimately her death, was the loss of fear. Of course, all of
those things terrified me, but because they were so real, I stopped fearing the
inconsequential things that most people had the luxury of being afraid of. I
simply didn’t need to couch what I said or tip toe around uncomfortable
subjects. I was raw. So I asked that which perhaps I shouldn’t have.

“Marty, you told me a while ago that I remind you of someone. And that
someone killed herself.” I paused, not sure either of us were truly ready for
the answer to my next question. “Who do I remind you of?” I asked softly. Was I
somehow reminiscent of his ex-girlfriend? Is that what he was feeling?

Marty looked as pained as when we talked about this the last time, but
I really didn’t know where this was going or why and I wanted to understand
what he was feeling for me. A beat passed. Marty took a deep breath before he
answered.

“My daughter.” He said even softer.

Once again, I was starting to think that all those years of distancing
myself from people might not have been the worst thing in the world. Not when
there were conversations like this.

“Marty, I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me, I really don’t.”

“I was married young, way too young. And we had a girl, Allison. Ali.”
He paused and smiled the saddest smile. “And she was my little girl… and shit,
I was so young, I didn’t know about being a parent, and I wanted to succeed and
I’d started this agency and it took everything I had and my wife, well, she
never wanted kids… You have to understand, I loved Ali, I did.”

“I believe you, Marty. You’d be a great dad. You’d be the best.” I said
sincerely but he scoffed.

“Yeah, well, if Ali were here, she’d disagree.” He looked down again.
“The teenage years were hard on her. She didn’t fit in, she was so sensitive…”
He ran his hands through his hair and shook his head. “She was smart, so smart.
I’ll never understand how she could be so smart and so…”

“What happened, Marty?”

“I wasn’t around enough. She started dating, hell, I don’t know. I
don’t know what happened. All I know was that I wasn’t there for her. And she
was confused, and I kept thinking, I’ll make time to talk with her. When things
settle down here, I’ll take her out and we’ll talk.”

He scoffed again. “It’s
Cats in the Cradle
… you’re too young to
know that song.”

I smiled, “I know the song, Marty.”

“Look, Steph, all I know is I waited until there was time, until it was
the right time. And… she couldn’t wait.”

I still didn’t know where he was going. “Marty, I’m flattered I remind
you of your daughter, I think. But you’re going to have to be more specific
than Harry Chapin songs.”

“When you first started here, there was something so earnest, so
vulnerable about you. I don’t know, I picked up on it I guess.” Marty paused.
I’d never seen him like this. “And then your mom got sick, and I tried to be
here for you, I did.”

“I know that, Marty. You’ve been great. I couldn’t ask for anything
more.”

“And that’s the thing. You couldn’t ask for more. You wouldn’t ask for
more. Just like Ali. I knew she needed me, but she wouldn’t ask. She was so
sensitive… And I wanted to help, I wanted to give you more, but…”

“Marty, what does this have to do with the Christmas party?”

He chuckled. “You didn’t misread anything.”

I swallowed. “Ok. But nothing’s changed. You’re still my boss.”

He smiled. “Yeah, I’m still your boss. And I’m still the man who’s
waiting for the right time, the guy who can’t make a move to save the girl.”

“I don’t need saving, Marty.”

“Because you’ve already been saved.” He said flatly and I looked at him
confused. I thought maybe he was being religious. “By Brad.” The way he said
his name he said with such disdain, I felt like I was back in high school.

“Marty, Brad’s my friend. We became, um, close, during my mom’s
illness.”

“Steph, please don’t lie to me.”

I was going to protest, but the resignation in his voice just about
killed me.

“I, I thought I saw something when I came to visit you in the hospital,
but I just figured, he was that jerk you’d described when you first met him.” I
was shocked Marty remembered that.

“But then, him coming here, taking you home… Look, Steph, I’ve said
more than I should have. But I made a promise to myself that after I lost Ali,
I wouldn’t wait the next time.” He smiled sadly. “And I broke my own promise.”

 “Marty, I’m not sure what I can say at this point that will
change anything. All I know is I don’t know what I would have done without you
during this time. I really don’t. You’re the first man who ever showed me any
type of caring or tenderness. Truly, the first.” I paused trying to make sense
of the thoughts in my head. “I’m not your daughter, but I have a feeling I know
what she went through when I was her age. It couldn’t have just been you being
busy, Marty. You can’t be the only reason. You can’t shoulder that. I was a
teenage girl once, and I had no father to talk to, and I went through a really
rough time, and I’m here.”

“Yeah, but you had your mom.” He said so quietly, I wasn’t sure if it
was for my sake or out of sadness for his own little girl who obviously didn’t
have hers.

I nodded thinking back to that conversation so many years ago. “Yeah, I
had my mom. And your Ali didn’t have hers.”

We both sat there for a bit looking at each other with watery eyes.
Finally, I spoke.

“Marty, I need this job, and I want it. I like working here. I like
working for you. I don’t want to leave.”

“And I don’t want you to leave.”

“But the things I said at the Christmas party…”

“You were drunk.” He tried to give me an out.

“Yeah, I was. And at the time, I meant them.” I paused. “But you can’t
want me because you think I’m your chance to make up for the mistakes you made
in your past.”

“But…”

I shook my head. “You made a promise to yourself. What I know of you,
you’d never break that. And you haven’t. I’m not the woman you want. Not like
that. I’m the woman you want to save, but if you wanted me… you’d have kept
your promise to yourself. Boss or not. I have no doubt of that. And you
shouldn’t either.” 

I didn’t know if I was right about what Marty was feeling. I knew him,
but not well enough to know for sure whether I was just projecting. There was
no doubt that there was a connection between the two of us, but I was realizing
that it was more about caring and less about attraction. I’d had such little
experience with either that I confused the two.

Marty smiled and shook his head. “You told me that I was a good man.”

“You are.”

“Well, you’re a good woman. And a smart one. And someone I’m glad to
call a friend.”

“Thank you, Marty.”

After that first morning call, Brad and I started talking regularly
during drive time. Sometimes I’d call him, but typically he’d beat me to it,
and we’d talk about nothing and everything. Stories I’d heard on NPR, how I was
doing socializing the animals, new ad campaigns I was working on… I still
missed my mother desperately and before I’d dial Brad, I always went to her
number first, my finger hovering over her name until scrolling down to Brad’s
instead. I’d feel a twinge of sadness at seeing her name, but just thirty
seconds into talking with Brad and I’d be so immersed in our conversation that
my sadness lifted.

A couple weeks after I’d had her Yorkie, Apricot, the socialization
with Vincent and Claude just wasn’t working. On one of our now routine drive
time chats, Brad already could tell just from my ‘good morning’ that something
was up.

“What’s wrong?” Brad asked concerned.

“Vincent is being a jerk to Apricot. And as much as my boys are
sweethearts to me, they don’t like their new sister or cousin or whatever she
is to them. I had to separate them today. I was worried if I didn’t, I’d come
home to a scene from
Dexter
.”

He chuckled. “I can come over after work and help. Maybe an extra set
of hands might make things easier?”

I had resisted Brad’s overtures so far. As nice as our talking was, I
still wasn’t sure about things and for the first time in my life, I wanted to
take things slow. I wanted to become friends first. And without even trying,
that’s what Brad and I were becoming. Friends. Crazy. Even crazier, I was
accepting that it was ok to need a friend. So we agreed to meet at my house and
see if he couldn’t help me with animal kingdom.

“See?” I huffed and pointed as 6-pound Apricot growled at 80-pound
Vincent as he tried to sniff her backside. Claude hung back letting Vincent
take the brunt of Apricot’s ire.

Brad literally had to bite his lip from laughing.

“What? It’s not funny! They could eat her in one bite! I don’t know why
they’re being that way!”

“You’re not going to like what I have to say.”

“That’s never stopped you before.” I smirked and he shrugged.

“Well, as far as I can tell, Vincent’s just trying to get to know her.
He’s not doing anything wrong. She’s the one who’s rebuffing him for no
reason.”

“But…” I started.

“Hey, you’re the dog expert, not me, but look at them. He’s just
smelling her and she’s the one growling.”

“Well, maybe she’s not ready for his advances. Maybe he’s being too
familiar with her!”

“Or maybe, he’s trying to be nice and trying to get to know her and no
matter how nice or gentle his sniffing is, her kneejerk reaction is to protect
herself and growl. I think maybe she’s just so used to growling that’s her
go-to move. But look, every time he backs off she looks over at him, like she’s
hoping he’ll do it again.”

It didn’t take a rocket scientist to read between the obvious lines he
was drawing.

“So now I’m a yippie, bitchy little Yorkie?” I huffed with my hands on
my hips, trying to sound as indignant as possible while stifling a grin.

Brad shrugged and put his hands up as now he tried to bite back a grin,
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“So, in your expert opinion, doctor, she should just roll over and let
him have his way with her? Maybe she’s been hurt by big vicious dogs like him
before.”

“In my
humble
opinion, I think she shouldn’t just dismiss him
out of hand. Maybe he’s trying to show her that he can be gentle, and that
maybe he’s not the dog she thinks he is.”

“Woof.” Was my comeback. Along with an eye roll and a smile I couldn’t
hold back any longer. He wasn’t wrong. About me or Apricot. I walked over,
pressed up on my tiptoes and kissed him. I just meant for it to be a light
kiss, but he pulled me to him and kissed me with all the passion that both of
us had been missing. It felt so good to be in his arms, so good and so right.
And then Apricot started growling and barking in her high pitched voice, and
then, when that didn’t work, she started jumping up on my leg which finally
broke us apart.

The minute we stopped kissing, she calmed down.

“I think we need to add jealous to this little girl’s list of issues.”
Brad chuckled.

“Grrrrr.” I growled.

“And feisty.” He added.

“Hey, she and I are not one and the same!”

He smiled sweetly and stroked my cheek. “I know that, Steph. She’s not
the one I’m in love with.”

I swallowed and looked up at him. “You’re really not going to give up,
are you?”

He shook his head.

“How do I know that for sure?” God, I hated how that sounded.

“You don’t.” He said and I stiffened. “But
I
know. So all you
need is to trust that I know me better than you do.”

I nodded. I didn’t know much of anything right then, but what I did
know was that I couldn’t have imagined getting through these last few weeks
without him. He was there for me in every sense.

“Now come on, let’s go walk these three and show little miss Apricot
that she’s just going to have to learn to tolerate her new family.”

As we walked, I had Apricot and Vincent together, the size difference
was laughable. Behind us were Brad and Claude. Every time Vincent or Claude
would pee, Apricot would hurry over to the exact spot and squat over where they
had peed, in effect, marking her territory. Even when she had nothing left,
she’d go through the motions making me laugh each time. She was a tiny piece of
work.

Claude would sniff her rear and she’d tolerate it, letting him sniff
for a minute before turning around, though without any growling. Then Brad and
I traded Vincent for Claude, giving Vincent a chance to walk behind us, again
sniffing her. Once we got home, I made the boys lie down and let Apricot sniff
them. She couldn’t do it if they were standing, so I thought giving her this
leveled the playing field. 

Once the dogs were settled it was just me and Brad. We’d spent plenty
of time together since breaking up, but so far it had truly been as just
friends. But after the earlier kiss, it was obvious that things were changing.
Again.

“Would you like to stay?” I asked softly. Brad held out his hands and I
walked over to put mine into his. He squeezed and smiled.

“I would. But I don’t have to if you’re not ready. I can wait.”

I appreciated his patience, but I didn’t need it any more.

“I don’t want to wait any longer. I’ve waited my whole life.”