Better than Perfect (19 page)

“I don't want to talk about it, Brandi. Okay? You just keep thinking that Derek's perfect just like everyone else.”

“Nobody's perfect,” I tell her. “Not even you, Ashtyn.”

“I never once said I was perfect. In fact, I'm an idiot.”

“Join the club.”

When Gus arrives home a few minutes later, he takes one look at Ashtyn with her foot in the ice bucket and mumbles something about canceling football camp and getting his money back.

“What football camp?” Brandi asks.

“Your sister wants to drive to some football camp in Texas. By herself,” Gus announces. “It's not happening.”

“Wait, I have an idea!” Brandi, my scatterbrained stepmother, whirls around and looks at me as if I will save the day. She claps her hands, careful not to ruin her freshly manicured nails and says excitedly, “Derek is going to Texas to visit his grandmother. Derek can drop Ashtyn at football camp, then go see his grandmother. Then he can pick Ashtyn back up and come home. It's the
perfect
solution!”

Everyone's eyes are on me. What, does Brandi think that putting us in a car together will miraculously fix whatever's wrong in her sister's life? Not gonna happen. “I don't think so.”

Ashtyn nods. “I agree. That's the worst idea.”

Gus nods. “Then it's settled, Ashtyn. You're
not
going.”

I spend the next two hours calling everyone I know outside of my core group of friends. Nobody can make the trip to Texas with me. I'm out of options . . . almost.

Derek.

I'd rather eat nothing but green smoothies for an entire week than be stuck with him on a road trip. I made a complete fool out of myself on our nondate, and feel like an idiot because every time I think of his hands on my body or the way his tongue slid against mine, my knees go weak and I get a tingling sensation in my stomach. I hate myself for falling into Derek's trap.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, then try to come up with a plan on how to get to Texas without Derek. Ugh, it's impossible.

Derek is the only person who can help me. I find him outside, on top of the shed, shirtless. He's hammering a nail, but all I can think about is getting carried away feeling those tight abs last
night. I wish I could wipe that memory from my brain, but it's obvious that's not about to happen.

“I need to talk to you,” I say.

He continues to pound away. “Why? You ready to talk about why you're so pissed?”

“Not really, but I don't have a choice.” I sigh. “I shouldn't have kissed you last night. Or let you kiss me. It was a
huge
mistake that I'll regret
forever
. I'm pissed at you for tempting me and I'm mad at myself for letting it happen. You got me at a weak moment and it sucks knowing I can't turn back time and erase it. There, I said it.”

“Forever's a long time, you know,” he says.

“I'm well aware of that, thank you,” I say. “I didn't want to ask you this, but I need your help with the whole driving-to-Texas thing so I can go to football camp. I've called everyone I know and even some people I don't really know. Nobody can do it.”

“I'm your last choice, huh?”

“Yep.”

He jumps off the roof of the shed and walks up to me. “You made the rule that we weren't supposed to get into each other's business. Last night we did and look what happened. I'd say drivin' you out of state and sleepin' at campgrounds in a tent together definitely counts as gettin' into each other's business.”

Wait. I think I heard him right, but I'm not sure. “Campgrounds?”

“I like to rough it.”

Roughing it isn't my thing, but I'm desperate, so I lie and put on a big, fake smile. “I love camping!”

He shakes his head. “I don't think so.”

I shield my eyes as I look up at him. “You wanted me to challenge you and argue with you. I'm willing to keep playing this game if you are, minus the kissing and touching part. Think of all the time we'll have to argue and annoy each other driving to Texas.”

“Sounds temptin', but after last night, that's probably the worst idea. Ever.” He points to the chewed-up football. “Oh, yeah. And thanks for feedin' the football I gave you to your dog. I'll bet it's sacrilegious to destroy Troy Aikman's signature, but don't worry. I won't out you.”

He heads for the house. I can't let him walk away from me, not now. I catch up and stand in his way.

He gently nudges me aside. “Sorry, Ashtyn. I can't help ya.”

Time to let it all out, no matter if my ego is bruised. “Wait! Derek, football means
everything
to me. I need to go to Texas. I need to prove to everyone else and myself that I deserve to be there as much as any guy. I didn't tell you before, but Landon left our team to play for our rivals. I refuse to give up, even though everything seems useless now.” I look away because my eyes are starting to tear up. “You don't understand. I don't have anything else besides football.” I gesture to Falkor, whose head is resting on Derek's feet. “I don't even have my dog anymore because he likes you better. I don't have much, and I don't ask for much. You're my last hope.”

I take a deep, shaky breath, knowing full well that my tears
are on the brink of overflowing. Derek rubs the back of his neck, deep in thought.

“Sorry, can't do it.”

“Name your price,” I offer in desperation.

“My price?”

“Yeah. Just throw out a number.”

“A million dollars,” he says.

Yeah, right. “Obviously I don't have a million dollars.” I calculate how much money I've saved up from babysitting, holidays, and birthdays. My dad gave me cash for special occasions—his consolation prize for my crappy home life. “I'll pay you a hundred bucks and I'll split the cost of gas.”

“Just a hundred?” he asks, unimpressed. “That's less than minimum wage.”

“This is a cash job, remember?”

“You're not takin' the stress factor into consideration. Dealin' with you, Sugar Pie, ain't a piece of cake.”

“I'll throw in two boxes of granola bars for the car ride.” I hold out my hand. “Deal?”

He looks at my hand for a long time. Then he shakes his head. “Listen, Ashtyn. I don't—”

“Come
on
, Derek. This isn't a joke. I don't have anyone I can count on anymore. My boyfriend ditched me, we don't have a decent quarterback. My life is a complete mess. I'm, like, drowning here. Prove to me that it's not all hopeless.”

He rubs his neck again, then sighs a few times as he looks across the yard. Finally he says, “All right. Deal.”

I got suckered into coming to Illinois.

I got suckered into going to Texas.

I got suckered into going on a road trip with a girl who makes me want to kiss her and stay far away from her at the same time.

How the hell does this stuff happen to me? I couldn't say no to Ashtyn when she talked about how much football and this trip meant to her. Once upon a time football meant that much to me.

Ashtyn has that spark I used to have. I see it in her eyes. I don't know what she thinks she'll accomplish by going to football camp, but I have no doubt she's going to use everything in her arsenal to get noticed by scouts.

Four days later, we load up my SUV. Ashtyn made a big deal out of raiding the pantry for junk food to chow on during the drive. I stuck some granola bars Ashtyn bought in my backpack, but decide to bring stuff to make my own food.

“What is that?” Ashtyn asks as I walk out of the house.

“A blender.”

“You're bringing a
blender
on a road trip?”

“Yep.” Give me some bananas and spinach and I'll have a good breakfast. If Ashtyn thinks I'm going to eat candy or cookies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, she better think again.

After saying our good-byes to Brandi, Julian, and Gus, we're ready to get out of town.

Falkor jumps in the backseat when I open the door.

“You're not invited.” He looks at me with droopy eyes and doesn't move. Ashtyn tries to get him out, but he doesn't move until I say, “Out!”

Suddenly Julian is at my side, hugging my legs with his little kid arms. “You'll come back, right?”

I kneel down to him. “Of course I'll come back.”

Ashtyn peeks out of the window. “Hey, Julian. You want to give me a hug, too?”

Julian nods.

Ashtyn gets out of the car and kneels down. She pulls him toward her and hugs him. That hug is full of warmth and emotion . . . she doesn't want to let him go. It's like she's craving the unconditional love Julian's giving her right now. It's something I could never give her.

Ashtyn kicks her shoes off and makes herself comfortable after we pull onto the highway. Soon, we're out of the city and see nothing but farms and a lone hawk flying overhead.

“You hungry?” She reaches into her backpack and pulls out some crackers and a can of cheese spread. “Want some?”

“Nah.”

“It's not gonna kill you, Derek.” She holds a cracker, piled high with semiliquefied cheese, in front of my mouth. “Try it.”

I open my mouth and she shoves the cracker in, her finger-tips touching my lips and almost lingering there until I close my mouth. It feels like an intimate moment, but that's nuts. She was just feeding me a cracker, not trying to flirt.

Tell my body that. It's been reacting since she touched me with those feminine fingertips that totally betray her football-tough-girl image.

She holds out another cracker. I'm tempted to take it, but I don't want those fingertips anywhere near my lips again. Her rule of no kissing or touching is cemented into my brain.

“I'm good.”

“Suit yourself.” She opens her mouth wide and squirts cheese directly into her mouth.

Keeping Ashtyn at a distance is what I need to do, even though I sense an undercurrent of something I can't put my finger on . . . and don't really want to.
No kissing or touching
. I glance over at Ashtyn. She's licking some cheese off her top lip and has no clue she's driving me insane.

She shrieks and braces both her hands on the dashboard. “Derek, you're about to hit a squirrel!”

Shit! I quickly swerve to avoid the thing, the tires screeching as the car jolts us sideways.

“Did you hit it?” she asks in a panic, looking in the rearview mirror.

“No.”

She shakes her finger at me, the same one that was on my lips a few minutes ago. “Pay attention to the road. You could've killed us.”

I'm not the one who tested the no-touching rule. I grab the can and toss it in the back. There, now I won't be distracted.

She lets out a frustrated cry. “What was that for?”

“So I can concentrate on the road.”

She shakes her head in confusion, but if she thinks I'm about to explain why I tossed the can of cheese in the back, she'll be waiting forever. Some things need to be left unsaid. With nothing to put on her crackers, she shoves the rest in her backpack, which I've got no doubt is filled with more crap.

I stop for gas and hand the keys to Ashtyn. She drives while I knock out in the passenger seat. I wish I was back in my dorm, where all I worried about was how I was gonna make it through the summer without being summoned into Crowe's office. When I was a freshman, I had it all planned out. I'd go to college and play ball.

Everything changed after my mom died.

My brain reaches into the flood of memories locked up like a safe inside my head. I can still hear the familiar sound of my mom laughing in the kitchen with a stained towel around her head after she dyed the ends of her hair blue. It was my dad's favorite color and she wanted to be reminded of him every time she looked in the mirror. He was deployed and she was bored and lonely.

A few months later she got diagnosed with cancer and lost all that hair.

All those times my mom had go to her chemo treatments when I was at school sucked. When her hair started falling out, I found her crying in the bathroom as she looked into the mirror at the massive bald spots and clumps of hair in her brush.

Two days later she held up my dad's clippers and told me to finish the job. I shaved my own head right along with hers, but it didn't prevent her from tearing up the entire time. If I could have fought that cancer for her, I would have.

But there is no negotiating with cancer.

I took care of my mom, but it wasn't good enough. I couldn't save her and I wasn't there when she took her last breath. I know she would've wanted me to be there. I was the only family member around, and she died alone because I was at football practice and got to the hospital too late.

I should've been there, but I wasn't.

There's a long stretch of silence as we drive for hours. After we stop for lunch, I take over the wheel and head for the campground. Ashtyn is leaning against the window, looking out at the farmhouses we're passing. Ashtyn points out a guy pushing a girl on a tire swing outside one of the houses. “That's romantic,” she says, sighing loudly. “Derek, have you ever had a girlfriend?”

“Yeah.”

“What happened?”

I haven't thought about Stephanie in a long time. We'd gone to homecoming together sophomore year, and afterward she gave me her garter and her virginity. She said we'd be together forever, and at the time I believed it. “I moved to California and
she lived in Tennessee. We tried to make the long-distance thing work, but that didn't last long.” Forever ended up to be seven months.

“When did you know it was over?”

“When I found out she was screwin' my best friend.”