Between Black and Sunshine (12 page)

Today was even better than yesterday which is difficult to fathom- I didn’t think there would be a day better than the one when Luca finally broke down and took me as his.

But today was blissful. Even when I wasn’t with him, even as I sat through an hour long lecture on Mayan architecture, it was all blissful because he’s part of me now. And instead of bad things, I have good things to think about; like his fingers touching every inch of my skin. And if the mental images aren’t enough I can open up my two new photos. Which I have. At least a hundred times. The look on his face is so adorable in both of them- even the one where he’s clearly annoyed with me. Especially the one where he’s clearly annoyed with me because
he’s trying to look at his picture.

This is so much better than the reaction I got the last time I sent him a picture. That picture… he wanted to delete, to destroy. This one… I’m guessing he’s looked at more times than I’ve looked at mine.

By the time I was actually with him I was so wound up and excited I couldn’t keep my hands off of him. Today it was my turn to memorize every inch of his body with my fingertips. I’m pretty sure Luca resides in the most perfect body on Earth. Everything is strong and symmetric, smooth and creamy. Even the dark moles placed around his body are attractive. More than attractive. The one on his pelvic bone is my favorite.

He watched me carefully as I memorized his body. I paid special attention to his tattoos - committing them all to memory. They are all beautiful and all painful and all there to remind him of his past and of me. When I traced over the bars on his chest that were a reminder to keep me out, he told me he might have to have some alterations done.  I took my eyes from his skin to smile at him but really, the symbols and the words don’t matter like they used to. He placed them there like a coat of armor made of ink to remind him of me, how important it was to protect me… how important it was to protect me from him.

Now they are just pictures. Beautiful reminders of a past that no longer exists. Now they are just decoration.

We spent the late morning, afternoon and early evening in that bed learning about each other all over again. In that bed if feels like we’re healing.

Before, when I would think of Luca’s body, of his kisses and his touch it would lead to an unfulfilled, burning, painful, sexual need for him. Now that I have his body and his hands and his mouth, I still want him. I still want to know what it feels like to have him inside of me, but it’s not critical. It’s not necessary, not yet. What’s necessary is that we pour as much of ourselves into each other as possible. That we learn how to love and trust and protect and care for each other.

We spent close to twelve perfect hours naked and together. It almost feels strange to look over at him, as we sit in his idling truck outside the dormitory, and see clothes rather than flesh.

“Call me before you go to sleep,” he tells me before reaching across the seat and pulling me onto his lap.

“Luca, don’t start. I have to be on the fifth floor in five minutes.”

“It’s just a kiss, sweet girl,” he tells me, taking my lip between his teeth, hardening under my bottom. His hands find their way under my shirt and under my bra. His rough fingers manage to be soft as the brush over my hard nipples, causing me to shift my body so I can feel him between my legs. He lets my lip go and licks his way into my mouth. His kisses are deep and strong. His fingers on me are gentle but painful. My fingers find his hair and I pull, too hard, because what he’s doing to me is not fair when he knows he has to leave me.

I know he’s watching the clock on the dash and when it’s time to let me go he eases out of my mouth, out of my shirt.

“You’re cruel,” I tell him.

“What do you want me to do, Jude, when you’re here with me now, but you’re leaving me in a second? I have to take what I can get while you’re here.”

“We’ll thanks,” I tell him, grabbing my backpack off the floor of his truck, “But now I’m going to hurt all night.” I lean over and kiss him on the cheek before stepping out of the truck. “I love you, Luca,” I tell him, my hand on the door ready to close it, but I pause when I look at his face. It looks pained for an instant and then his expression recovers itself.

“I love you, Jude,” he says, smiling at me.

I close the door and leave him.

I stop by Piper’s room before I head to my own.  She’s sitting on the floor with Anton. They are blatantly drinking beers and playing scrabble.

She glances up at me before placing tiles on the board. “You’re all flushed, Jude…”

“I am not,” I say, feeling my skin becoming even hotter.

Anton looks up at me. “You are.”

I close the door behind me, drop my bag on her bed and go to the mini fridge, grabbing myself a beer. I sit on her bed, open the beer and then tell them, “Fuck off.”

“Don’t be pissy,” Piper tells me. “Flushed is good. I wish I were flushed. But look at me; I’m on the floor playing scrabble with my brother. God, I can’t wait for this week to be over. No offense, Anton”

“Because I’m totally enjoying hanging out in the dorm every night? You don’t understand the meaning of wanting something to end.”

I laugh at the miserable siblings on the floor. They make me think of Jonah, and wonder what we would be like. Would I have followed him to wherever he decided to go to college? I laugh again; that’s a stupid thought. Of course I wouldn’t have followed him to college because he wouldn’t have ever left me. He would have put his life on hold, like he always did for me, and then he would have followed me.

“What’s up, Jude?” Anton asks, pausing from the game to look up at me.

I let out a long sigh and a small smile. “I just… I think it’s awesome the way the two of you care about each other.” A tear falls down my cheek, I can’t stop it. Jonah deserved to have a life.

“Ah,” Piper says, standing and coming to sit by me. “I know we’re cute, but don’t cry.”

“I’m sorry. It’s just… I have an older brother too. He died when I was fifteen and he was great, just like your brother. He was the best. I miss him. I wish he were here with me.”

Piper has me in a full on death clamp now and Anton has come to my other side to hold my hand. “I’m sorry,” she tells me.

“Do you want to talk about him?” Anton asks.

I look at him, curiously. No one’s ever asked me that. “Yes,” I answer, “I guess I do.”

“What was his name?”

“Jonah. He was my only sibling. He had leukemia when he was five. He fought through it and we thought, or I guess I thought, it would be over after that. But when he was sixteen it came back. It was awful,” I whisper, “watching him die.”

“Oh, sweetie,” Piper says, rubbing my back.

“It’s okay. I mean, I’m okay. He was such a good person. A good son and brother and friend. Our childhood kind of sucked but he always kept me safe. He always made me laugh, even on the worst days.”
Like when my mother lay beaten into unconsciousness in her bed
. “He was just
good
… the best person I’ve ever known. He and Luca, they were best friends, had been since second grade. He was there with me through all of it. When we’re together it still feels like Jonah is there with us sometimes. I just wish I still had him. I miss him so much.”

Piper wipes a sleeve across her eyes and Anton pulls me into his shoulder. “I know you have Luca and I’m sure there are a lot of people at home who love you, but Piper and I… we’re always here. If you need to talk about something; your brother or whatever… you have us. Your Oregon family.”

“Thanks, Anton,” I say, genuinely touched because I think his words are sincere. I don’t bother telling him that all I really have are Luca and Callie- they are enough. Piper and Anton, they are enough. Family is a relative term.

We sit in silence, thinking our own thoughts and then I can’t handle it anymore. “Can I get in on that?” I ask, looking at the scrabble board.

When I talked to Jude tonight she sounded sad. She said she spent her evening playing scrabble and drinking beer with Piper and Piper’s brother. She said she had as much fun as you can have in a dorm room without Luca. But she sounded sad. Maybe not sad, but stuck inside herself. I let it ride because I already had plans for tonight.

When she got out of my truck tonight she said I made her hurt. She smiled while she said it, but she still said it. I made her hurt because I gave her enough of myself to make her want more, but then I took it away. I didn’t mean to do that. But I did and I can’t stand the thought of making her hurt. So I’m going to her…. to take her pain away.

It’s just after one A.M. as I make my way to the back of Weaver Hall. Some girls are in back smoking and have the door propped open with a rock. I sprint up the five flights and head to her door. It’s locked so I take the flat screwdriver out of my back pocket thinking that Jude should have locked the deadbolt, but I’m relieved when the lock pops open and I’m able to turn the handle and open the door.

The room is dark besides a small nightlight plugged into one of Jude’s outlets. She always sleeps with a nightlight. I walk to her bed and stare down at her, at her small frame under the sheets. Her breaths are ragged and her body jolts every few seconds. She’s having a bad dream.

I sit down beside her and run my fingers over the soft skin on her cheeks. Her breaths even out a little. I run my fingers through her long hair and her body turns towards my touch. I caress her until I’m sure that her dreams have left her.

I lean down to her face, which becomes clearer with each passing second. I find her lips with mine and kiss her gently. Her eyes open with panic.

“It’s me- Luca,” I whisper.

“Luca?”

“Yeah,” I say, bringing my lips back to hers.

I can feel her body, her mouth, waking up. Her hands find me and hold onto me. When she stops it’s to ask me, “What are you doing here?”

“I needed to be with you tonight.”

A sad laugh escapes her mouth. “I needed you here with me tonight. I miss him,” she whispers.

“I miss him too,” I tell her. And I do. I’ve been thinking about him all night ever since I felt like she might be doing the same. I wondered, for the millionth time, what he would think about the way I love Jude. Would he be okay with this? Is this what he would want for her? Would he hate me for doing this?

I’ve never cared about a friend like I cared about Jonah and I’ve never loved anyone more than I love Jude. Hurting her would be hurting both of them. Yesterday was the first day that I felt like he would be okay with me and Jude together. It was the first day I understood that the best way to protect her was to be part of her. To fuse myself to her.

“It’s not fair,” she whispers.

“It’s not fair,” I agree. These three words have run through my head a million times. Jonah should be here.

I slide under her comforter and wrap her in my arms, holding her as close to my body as I can. I came here tonight to take away the pain that our bodies produce in each other, but that’s not why I’m here now. I’m here to hold her so she doesn’t have nightmares, so she doesn’t dream about her brother beaten and bloody. So she doesn’t dream about him wasting away in his bed. So she doesn’t see his lifeless eyes. This is the pain I need to take away tonight.

“It’s like I can feel him,” she whispers. “I feel closer to him when I’m with you. It seems like all of my memories of him are of you too. Of the three of us together. When I was home all I thought about was how much I missed you, but now that I’m here I think more… about Jonah, and my mom. I even think about my dad. How is it possible that I don’t have any of them anymore? It shouldn’t be that way.” She reaches out and strokes the side of my face. “If it weren’t for you I wouldn’t have anyone. You are my only family.”

“I think Jonah is here; I feel him too. He didn’t leave you, he didn’t leave us. And Jude, you’re all I have, too. You realize that don’t you? We’re enough aren’t we?”

“Yeah, we’re more than enough. With you I have everything but if you leave me I literally have nothing.”

“I can’t do that, Jude. It’s not possible. Not anymore. I will protect you and your heart always. There is nothing that can come between us anymore. Without you, I literally have nothing too.”

“Okay,” she whispers, settling into my chest. “We’re good then. As long as we’re together, and Jonah’s here too, we will always have everything.” Her words are already dropping off as she speaks, the sleep that I woke her from dragging her back down. I feel the rhythm of her heart and feel the warmth of her breath and I pray to God that nothing ever comes between us.

“Calm down, Stephanie.” Are the words that I wake to. I’m in Jude’s bed and she’s sitting on the edge of it with her hand laid protectively on my chest.

“Do you know how inconsiderate that is? I mean, I don’t like being in a room while two people have sex four feet away from me, and without my knowledge!” Stephanie screeches at Jude.

I really don’t like that girl.

“God, we did not have sex. Notice how Luca is fully clothed and my sheets are perfectly smooth; clearly not a place where Luca and I had sex. If it was you would know- when Luca makes love to me it’s loud and crazy and involves torn clothes, kicked in walls and a lot of screaming and moaning. Not something that you would have slept through!”

I laugh, I can’t help it. Jude’s trying to shock the poor girl. She knows how to make someone back off; she’s perfected her strategy with Arnie.

Both girl’s heads snap in my direction, but of course I’m only looking at Jude. Her cheeks are flushed form embarrassment. It’s very cute.

I look at Stephanie who is clearly livid. “She’s telling you the truth. Jude was having a rough night and I wanted to be with her. I broke into your room, I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. Just so you know, we’re not into the traditional sex in bed thing and frankly, there aren’t a lot of options in this box of a room.”

She looks a little speechless, but still pissed. I sit up and drag Jude back onto my lap where she promptly straddles me with a smirk on her face. “The showers you guys got here though,” I tell Stephanie while staring at Jude’s lips, “those are alright. You should try it sometime… it might help you lighten the fuck up.” I take Jude’s mouth in mine and she lets out a moan for effect.

Stephanie’s not moving though and I’m very aware that someone is staring at us, which was not the plan.

Jude pulls out of my mouth. “Do you mind?” she asks her roommate.

“Ugh, you two are so gross.” She stands and storms out the door.

“Do you think she’s going to tell McKenna?” Jude asks me.

“Naw.”

“Definitely not,” she agrees. “She’ll be too busy thinking about you… and the way you make love to me in the shower,” Jude says, as her fingers trail down my stomach.

I take her off my lap and stand. I came here last night to take care of her pain and I’m going to do that. But not here, not in a room she shares with Stephanie. “Let’s get out of here.”

“I have class, Luca.”

“Jude… seriously? Come on,
please
, skip them. Just once. Skip them and come with me. I need to be with you.
Now
.”

Her face becomes frozen for an instant. But then she practically flies out of the bed and into her clothes and out the door.