Between Now and Goodbye (10 page)

'Char you don't have to tell me all this. Not if it's too much.'

'No, it's ok, it's... sometimes I just need to talk about it, about what will happen if the worst happens. I don't like to, but I know my mom will want me to be prepared, just in case. I just... I can't talk to my mom about it, because she's just so practical about everything, wanting to get it all into place, and it kills me to hear her talk like that. I've tried talking to Julie and she just changes the subject whenever I bring it up, and I don't want to throw it onto the kids, because they're all so young. Sometimes I just need to talk about the reality of all this, you know? Everyone, all my other friends from school, and my Aunt and Uncle, everyone just keeps saying not to worry, that things will get better, but if they don't...I'm sorry. I shouldn't be unloading this on you. If my girlfriend doesn't want to talk about it, then I'm sure you don't.'

'It's fine. Honestly Char, I'm your best friend so if you need to talk, then I'll listen for as long as you need me to.' I angle my body in the chair, legs still under me and metal arm now stabbing into my back. But I ignore the painful position, because now I can see him properly. I keep my hand on his forearm. 'So,' I keep my voice calm, 'you can't take charge of them legally until next April, so if anything happens before you're eighteen, what then?' I ask.

'If anything happens, then my Aunt Gina has agreed to move in until I turn eighteen. She'll become a temporary guardian to all of us until she hands over custody to me when I'm eighteen. She can't take on the kids full time, because she's got four kids of her own, and my mom doesn't want us all to be uprooted to Montana even if my Aunt did have the room for us. So, I'll be taking them on.'

'Are you ok with that?'

'Yeah.' He nods, 'It's really the most sensible option. We don't have any other family who could take us in. Grandparents all dead, mom's sister is our only Aunt, we don't have any Uncles.'

'Char,' I don't want to ask, but he wanted reality and I need to give him that, 'what about your dad?'

'That's the tricky part. Technically, since he's our father, he has legal custody of us, so what my mom's lawyer wants to do is track him down, and either get him to face up to his responsibility as a father, or he has to sign away his claim to custody. It just makes things simpler, if he signs rather than just isn't around.'

'Maybe he'll come home.' I say.

'Maybe.' His shoulders lower a little. 'I doubt it.'

'Ok,' I drum my fingers against his forearm gently, more of a distraction for me, I think, 'and what about school? College?'

'I'm not going back to school at the end of summer.' He looks from the floor to me. My mouth hangs open, and I can feel my eyes getting wide. Charles is top of all of his classes, he wants to go to college and then medical school. If he could afford it, he'd be going Ivy League. He must see a look on my face, because he speaks before I can, 'Don't try and talk me out of it Libs. I've made up my mind. If by the end of summer my mom's... gone.' He swallows hard, swallowing back the tears, 'Then I have to be around for the kids, because even with my Aunt here, she'll still need me around and I'll have to work to help with money, so no time for school. If my mom's still sick, then I need to be home for her and the kids. I hope that she'll be better. I'm hoping like crazy that she'll respond to treatment and she'll make a full recovery, but if she doesn't then I can't go back to school.'

'So, what will you do?'

'I'm going to get my GED at home. I've spoken to the school, and they said that if I need to, I can do my senior year online, just coming in occasionally for meetings with the guidance councillor and basically to touch base. I'll fit in studying around watching the kids and helping my mom, and working. Then...I don't know, if mom gets better I might be able to start college as planned, but if she doesn't beat this.' Another pause. 'Maybe in a few years once April starts kindergarten, I might go to community college part time. Then I may be able to do my medical training at a later date, or I'll do something else. In the meantime, I'll get a part time job. It's going to have to be part time for now, because April will need someone with her while the others are at school, and while I'm at work and I can't pay for a full time sitter or day care for that long. I just won't be able to afford it, not on whatever wage I can make and the welfare that mom gets, and if she doesn't...make it, then the life insurance won't...' He breaks down, big broken sobs racking through him and shaking his whole body. I lunge over the seats again and throw my arms around him.

'It's ok Char, we'll figure it out. You have Julie and me and my mom and Matt and Julie's parents. We'll figure it out together, ok?'

'I don't want to lose her.' His arm curls around me, keeping me close as he cries.

'I know.' I don't know what else to say. I can't say that he won't, because he might. He might lose his mom and I can't even begin to understand what he must be going through. So I don't say anything else. I just hold him tight until my Mom returns to the waiting room. Charles immediately pulls back from me, wipes his eyes and excuses himself, claiming he needs to find a bathroom. I know he just doesn't want anyone else to see him crying.

'Everything ok?' My mom asks, sitting beside me and taking my hand. I look at her and break down myself. The tears I'd been holding back for Charles' sake are now flowing freely.

'No.' I shake my head. 'Nothing seems ok anymore.'

Fourteen – Charles

The hospital decides to keep my mom in for a couple of days for observation, mostly because they're concerned she's developing an infection. I feel awful walking out of the hospital without her. I feel awful that I can't give her the kind of care that she needs at the moment. I can't give her enough.

I also feel awful that I broke down in front of Libby today. I've been doing such a good job of holding it together, acting strong even when I feel like I'm about to lose my grip and go absolutely crazy. I've held it together because I had to. Today in the hospital with Libby, I somehow felt able to finally let go, and though I feel awful for putting all of that on Libby. It's helped. Being able to let it all out, has helped.

Now I'm sitting in the back of Mrs Reid's car, with Libby alongside me and I'm feeling numb. I hadn't meant to unload so much on her today. I wanted to talk to Julie about it first, but she never wants to discuss anything to do with my mom's illness. I understand it, because it is a depressing subject, so I try and steer clear of it when I'm around her. It would be nice though if I could talk to my girlfriend about this stuff, just once so that I didn't have to go through all of this alone. Well. I glance over at Libby. I guess I'm not quite alone.

The worst part of unloading on Libby, though, is that ever since her mom walked in and saw me sobbing on Libby's shoulder like a five year old, she's started looking at me differently.

When my mom first got sick Mrs Reid would look at me with sympathetic looks, and offer up kind hugs or empty reassurances that were always well meant. Now, though she's looking at me with more than sympathy and reassurance. She's looking at me with pity, like she thinks I'm going to lose my mom and she feels bad for me. Like she's given up hope.

I'm not ready to give up hope though. I'll do what my mom wants by talking over, and putting in place plans for the future if she doesn't make it, but I'm not willing to accept that she won't pull through. She's still on chemo, and there's still the possibility that if it shrinks enough, they'll operate in the upcoming months. So even though sometimes I may need to talk to someone, someone who apparently is going to be Libby, about what will happen if she doesn't pull through. I'm not willing to give up on hoping that she'll get better. Which is why it hurts really bad that Mrs Reid seem to have given up hope.

It makes me nervous. It makes me feel like my mom has confided something in her which she hasn't told me, but that wouldn't be possible. I've been with her for all of her appointments. Anything the doctors have told her, they've told me too. Besides, she'd want to prepare me, that's what this whole will thing has been about. Preparation for a future I don't want to plan for. So I know she hasn't been hiding anything from me, which only serves to make me think that maybe Mrs Reid is seeing something that I'm not. I know that Libby's grandfather died of cancer before she was born. Mrs Reid helped her mother, nurse him when she was nineteen, so what if Mrs Reid is seeing something with my mom that she saw in her own father. I don't want to think about that.

I glance over at Libby, and she's biting her lower lip. Lost in concentration as she stares at the headrest of the seat in front. I wonder what she's thinking about. I wonder if she knows what it's like to lose a parent.

I don't know what happened to her dad. I don't know if she never knew him, if he took off at some point in her life, or if he died. She never mentions him, and if anyone has ever brought him up, which most people know not to do, she avoids all questions and the subject is swiftly changed. Usually with a topic so far away from her father, that you know not to try and change it back.

I've never thought he was dead. I always assumed that if he was, Libby or Pippa or their mom would mention him, or have pictures of him. They don't though, not one picture in their entire house is of him, so I always assumed he'd just left them. He could be dead, though, and maybe the grief is so bad that they can't face talking about him or seeing his picture. Maybe that's how it works. I wouldn't know. I don't want to know.

I've never really known grief. My grandparents all passed away either before I was born, or when I was so young that I didn't really understand. My parents are both still alive. My aunt is alive and so is her husband. My great grandparents died before I was born. So I've never lost anyone close to me. I don't know how I'd react. I don't know if I'd hide away all of the photos and never talk about my mom if I did lose her. I can't imagine that I would, but then I can't imagine not having my mom around.

We pull up outside our houses just as the sky is starting to grow dark. There are lights on in all of the rooms in my house, which is strange because there can't be somebody in every room, and we're all in the habit of switching lights off when we leave a room. I don't see why Julie would have turned them all on. There's no need for her to of even been upstairs, other than to go to the bathroom, and she wouldn't have been up to the attic room, even if she had gone upstairs. Lewis could be up there, but the whole house is glowing and it's not even fully dark out yet.

'Do you need anything before we head home Charles?' Libby's mom asks once we're all out of the car. Libby and me standing with our backs resting against the side of the car, while her mom stands at the edge of her path.

'No, I think I'm ok. Thanks for the ride and everything. I really appreciate it.' I have control again. I'm not a wreck like I was in the hospital, and I'm able to get out a full sentence in a calm way, which I couldn't do on the ride back to the house, which was entirely silent.

'Ok, well if you do need anything then you know where to find us.' Mrs Reid smiles at me and her eyes are flooded with pity. I have to turn away from her gaze in order to keep a grip on the calm exterior I've gotten a hold of.

'Mom, I'm going to hang out at Char's for a bit. To help clear up the yard and stuff.' Libby says as she pushes off of the car. Her mom looks at her watch.

'Not long, ok?'

'Sure mom.' Libby nods.

'You don't have to help out.' I say.

'I know I don't, but I'm going to anyway.' She smiles which relaxed me, so I smile back. Between her and Julie, I think I may actually be able to handle this. Tonight, when I needed them most, they both stepped up and helped out.

'Ok, so like I said, not too late and try coming home through the front door, and not the roof.' Mrs Reid raises an eyebrow.

'I won't be late, and I'll use the front door.' Libby smiles at her mom and starts heading up my path, and with another quick thank you to Mrs Reid, I follow Libby.

'Listen,' I catch up to her and drop my hand onto her elbow, 'about the whole possible plans for the future...custody...dropping out of school...I haven't told Julie yet or anyone for that matter...'

'Say no more.' Libby presses a finger against her lips and then smiles at me.

The door opens before I even have my key in the lock, and Lewis looks up at me with wide eyes. April is in his arms and she's screaming her head off.

'I don't know how to do it, and she's hungry and she won't stop screaming. I tried to do it like you do, but I couldn't. I tried to make up her milk, but it just went wrong, and she needed her diaper changed and I didn't know how, and she won't stop screaming.' Lewis' words come out in a rush, and I have a hard time keeping up. I usher him inside and he grabs hold of my arm, pulling me into the kitchen.

Libby follows closely behind. In the kitchen we find Sean and Georgia fighting over a pop tart, which if their argument is to be believed, is the last pop tart. I head to them first and pluck it from their hands. It's obviously been dropped on the floor a few times, and little pieces of dust and fuzz stick to it. I drop it into the trash.