Read Between the Devil and Desire Online
Authors: Lorraine Heath
“Is that what you two were conspiring about yesterday?”
“I thought I should start teaching him that when a gentleman has a lady, he should give her private attention as much as possible.”
“Very nice. Unfortunately, yesterday I sent a missive
'round to Mr. Beckwith about our marriage. He replied that he'll come by this morning to bring you the final item. I don't want him to find us still abed.”
Lunging for her, he grabbed her wrist and tugged until she tumbled back into his arms, tucking her up beneath him. “I don't care in the least about the final item. He can keep it.”
“Have you no curiosity at all?”
“What does it matter what it is? Nothing Lovingdon can give me now is more valuable than you. He could take it all back and as long as I have you, it wouldn't matter.”
Tears welled in her eyes. Tears of sorrow he hoped she'd seldom have, but tears of joy sparkled differently and those he enjoyed bringing her.
“You are not one to often say lovely things, Jack, but when you do, you have no idea how deeply I am touched.”
“I don't believe in romance, Livy, but for you I will try to the best of my abilityâas sadly lacking as that may be.”
“I love you so much.”
He wondered if those words would always slam into his heart and give him such an overwhelming sense of satisfaction. Taking her hand, he pressed a kiss to her palm, her wrist, her elbowâ¦
With a sigh of surrender she murmured, “I have not the strength to resist you. I forbid you to make love to me before Beckwith arrives.”
Chuckling at the challenge, he proceeded to show her, once again, that he was not a man who could be ordered about.
J
ack had told Livy true. He no longer cared about the final item. At this point it was little more than a bother, because it meant they couldn't spend the entire morning in bed engaged in making mad, passionate love.
Beckwith strode into the library with his leather satchel and bowed slightly. “Lady Olivia, Mr. Dodger, congratulations on your recent marriage.”
Jack had known that by marrying him, Livy was giving up the title of duchess. Still, it was a surprise to hear her addressed as “Lady,” an honor that came to her through her father. But she'd told him she was content with her new station in life. He intended to do all in his power to see she never regretted it.
“Thank you, Mr. Beckwith,” Livy said, squeezing Jack's hand as though she thought he needed reassurance.
“We appreciate your making time for us in your busy schedule, Beckwith,” Jack said. “As we're also quite busy, let's get this matter taken care of as quickly as possible, shall we?”
“Of course. If I may?” Beckwith indicated the desk.
“Absolutely. Whatever hastens your visit.”
Olivia slapped his arm. Jack scowled at her. “What?”
“You're being inhospitable. Mr. Beckwith, would you care for some tea?”
Beckwith gave her a faint smile. “No, thank you. This matter won't take long.”
He went to the desk and began arranging things to his satisfaction, removing items from his satchel. Jack and Olivia took the chairs they'd sat in the night Beckwith had read the will. The only difference was that now they held hands. Jack brought hers to his lips and kissed her fingers. As soon as Beckwith left, Jack was taking her back to bed. Or perhaps to the desk and then to the bed. Livy would no doubt be scandalized to know that Jack had placed the servants on notice: they were never to enter any room without knocking and receiving permission.
Jack could hardly fathom all that had happened in so short a time. He'd always wanted to be in charge of his life, but he couldn't deny others were somehow influencing its course. If Lovingdon hadn't named Jack guardian, he'd have never met Livy. For that alone, Jack owed Lovingdon his eternal gratitude.
Beckwith laid out several documents and a small velvet pouch. He folded his hands on top of the papers and cleared his throat. “The conditions of the will as originally stated have been satisfied with your recent marriage. Therefore, I shall read the portion of the will that has been kept from you.” He picked up a sheaf of paper and once again cleared his throat.
“To Jack Dodger, christened Jack Dawkins, beloved
son of Emily Dawkins, I leave my most treasured possession, my gold pocket watchâhanded to me by my father, who received it from his.”
Jack stared in stunned silence as Beckwith opened the velvet pouch, removed its contentsâa gold watch and heavy gold chainâand set them very carefully at the edge of the desk in front of Jack. Even from this distance, Jack could see the fine craftsmanship, could hear the quiet ticking away of time.
Jack tightened his fingers around Olivia's and with his free hand he reached for the timepieceâ
And stopped within inches of grasping it. Shaking his head, he lounged back in the chair and held Beckwith's gaze. “He should not have left it to me. He should have left the watch to his son.”
“I believe he did, Mr. Dodger.”
Jack heard Livy's sharp intake of breath, felt as though his chest were collapsing on itself, as though all the air had been sucked from the room. He was aware of Olivia's fingers squeezing his almost painfully, her gaze on him, but he couldn't look at her, not yet.
He worked his hand free of her grasp. In spite of his best effort to control the tremors, his hand was shaking when he took the watch. Hesitantly he opened it. Nestled inside, opposite the clock face, was a familiar miniature. In disbelief, he looked at Beckwith, then at Olivia, whose brow was furrowed in concern. “It's my mother.”
His voice was hoarse, as hoarse and rough as it had been when he'd screamed for her not to leave him.
Beckwith stood to indicate his job there was done. “The duke trusted me with all his secrets.” He darted
a quick glance at Olivia before looking back at Jack. “I hope you understand you may do the same. Had I realized you were going to marry, I would have brought this matter to your attention sooner. But whatever you decide, what has been learned today will go no farther unless you wish it so.” He picked up an envelope and extended it toward Jack. “
This
I have not read, but it is addressed to you.”
Jack took the offered envelope.
“Mr. Beckwith, out of curiosity, I would very much like to know who Lovingdon named in the second will,” Olivia said.
For the first time, Beckwith seemed uncomfortable. “I fear there was no second will. The duke insisted I say one existed. Perhaps he knew his son better than one might think.”
“He went to a lot of trouble for something that might have never come to pass,” Jack growled, not at all surprised by the anger he heard seething in his voice. The icy shock of what he'd just learned was beginning to thaw and in its place was a savage fury.
“He knew it would come to pass, sooner than he wished,” Beckwith said solemnly. “The duke was dyingâa cancer for which there was no hope of a cure. If you will not think me callous, the fall gave him a quick death, which quite honestly, I think he preferred. At least he maintained a bit of dignity that his illness was certain to have stripped from him.”
“He never said anything,” Olivia murmured, and Jack heard the regret in her voice that Lovingdon had chosen to endure his pain alone.
“He didn't wish to trouble you,” Beckwith responded.
“But I was his wife.”
“I truly believe he meant to spare you of any worry. As he told me on numerous occasions, he was quite fond of you.”
But fondness was not love. Silence permeated the air. Jack could only imagine what Olivia was feeling. His rage at Lovingdon was increasing with each tick of the timepiece. Lovingdon had not appreciated what he'd possessed. Jack reached out and squeezed her hand, hoping she understood with that simple touch that their marriage would hold no secrets, that every aspect of their lives would be shared.
“If you have no further need of me, I bid you both good day.” With a quick bow, Beckwith took his leave.
The silence did not dissipate. If anything it grew heavier, thicker. Finally Olivia turned her palm over and threaded her fingers through Jack's. “I feel as though I've been hit by a carriage. I can hardly imagine what you must be feeling. You had no idea he was your father?” she asked quietly.
“No.” He roamed his gaze over her beloved face, certain he knew the answer before he asked. “Did you?”
She slowly shook her head. “I hadn't a clue. I was married to him for six years and I knew him not at all. I want to be angry and lash out at him for not telling me all this. He was dying and I had no idea. But that was so typical of our relationship. He never truly shared anything with me. I may as well have been a broodmare.”
“Don't say that, Livy. The man was a fool not to have recognized what he had in you.”
She smiled softly. “Here you are comforting me when you must be more than devastated by this news.” She indicated the envelope. “Are you going to read it?”
He swallowed hard and nodded. “But not here. I need to be alone. I will share it laterâ”
Reaching out, she cradled his cheek, touched her thumb to his lips. “You don't have to explain yourself to me, Jack Dodger.”
He stood, bent down, and kissed the top of her head. “I love you, Livy,” he whispered.
He strode from the library, down the hallway, to the door that led outside. He enjoyed the gardens because he always felt closest to his mother there. He made his way to the bench nestled among the roses and sat. Very slowly, he opened the envelope and removed the letter.
My dear son,
I always had grand expectations where you were concerned. The fact that you are now reading this letter is proof I judged your character correctly.
You took after your mother in that regard. She possessed all the fine attributes I lacked. Your sweet mother was a servant in this household when I fell in love with her. She was only fifteen when she discovered she was with child, my child. While I was seventeen, young and foolish. And weak, so incredibly weak. I did not have the courage to go against my parents' wishes, and perhaps far more unforgivable, I did not have the courage to stand beside my precious Emily as she faced society's censure with her head held high
in order to bring you into the world. To protect my name, she never told anyone who fathered her child. Such was her admirable strength. She was turned out of the household, to make her way as best she couldâand I did nothing to stop the injustice of it all.
The day I met you at Claybourne's I could hardly believe my fortune, that fate had brought you back to me. I was older then, wiser. I couldn't let such an opportunity pass. From afar, I watched your impatience with Claybourne's teachings, and I knew you would not remain with him for long, that you were far too independent and would quickly strike out on your own, and so I became your anonymous benefactorâanonymous because I still lacked the courage to face you and the sins of my past.
It was my greatest desire to embrace you as my son. On a few occasions I went to your club with that purpose in mind. But in the end, fearing the deserved disgust for my abhorrent behavior that I might see reflected in your eyes, I remained true to my character, I remained a coward.
I have no doubt that under your guardianship my second son will learn to harbor the strength his father lacked.
I do not expect you to think well of me. I do not expect you to think of me at all, but should I pass through your mind from time to time, I hope it is with the realization that I lived my life with nothing except regretâand perhaps that was punishment enough. It is my fervent hope, that
God, in his infinite mercy, will grant me in death what my cowardice denied me in life: a place at your mother's side. It is not what I deserve, but then that is the beauty of mercy. It allows even the worst of sinners to be forgiven.
Respectfully yours,
Lovingdon
It didn't escape Jack's notice that even now, he hadn't signed it “Father.” But then Jack recognized it wasn't a title Lovingdon had earned, and tried to grasp some consolation in the fact he had not made a mockery of the term.
“I can see the resemblance now,” Olivia said quietly.
Jack looked up at her.
“I think it's more difficult to notice because you are so dark and he was so fair. But sometimes when I walked into a room and saw you, for the briefest of moments I thought I saw him.”
He didn't know what to say to that. He wasn't quite ready to talk about all this, didn't know if he ever would be.
“Are you all right?” Olivia asked. “You've been sitting out here for the better part of an hour.”
It hadn't seemed that long to Jack. It seemed as though no time at all had passed. “I suppose I should have brought one of your clocks.”
“Or your father's watch.”
Jack shook his head. “He was not my father.” He shook his head again, trying to deny the truth. “My
mother was only fifteen when she gave birth to me. All my life, I thought she was a whore. He did that to her. His cowardice, his lack of strength.”
He flung his arm toward the residence. “Do you know what Beckwith was talking about in there?” He didn't wait for her to answer. “The law does not allow a man to marry his father's widow.”
She paled. “I'd not even considered that.”
“The fortunate part is I have no desire to claim him as my father. I think he was more a bastard than I am.” He leaned forward, burrowed his elbows into his thighs, and buried his face in his hands, crumpling the letter against his jaw. “Beckwith indicated he would hold our secret, but what if someone finds out? Our marriage could be declared illegitimate, our children will be bastards. Is there no end to the damage Lovingdon has wrought?”
She knelt before him, wrapped her hands around his, and pulled them away from his face. “Look at me,” she demanded.
It was so hard to meet her gaze. It had been so much easier when he'd thought his father was a stranger, a man who had paid for the privilege to be intimate with his mother.
“I don't care,” Livy stated emphatically. “I don't care if our marriage is nullified. As for our children, they will be loved and they will be taught to laugh at society's rules when they don't suit them. They will have your strength of conviction, Jack, and your mother's strength of purpose. We will all honor her. She was a remarkable woman. I wish I'd had an opportunity to know her. She gave me something very precious.
“I love you, Jack Dodger. I love you with all my heart and soul. If I must live with you without benefit of marriage, so be it. I shall do it with no regrets and with an amazing amount of pride that you've chosen me to stand at your side. And when I go to hell, I shall gladly dance with you.”
Reaching out, he bracketed her waist and drew her up and onto his lap. He blanketed her mouth with his own, drinking deeply of her sweet nectar. How was it that this remarkable woman could love him, could want him, could look beyond his pastâa bastard, an urchin, a thiefâand appreciate him for the man he'd become?
Drawing back, he held her gaze. “You're all that matters, Livy. You and Henry.” He dropped his head back. “Good God, he's my brother.” He released a brittle laugh. “That's the reason Lovingdon named me guardian.”
“I think our family tree will be more a maze than anything.” She wrapped her arms around him, laid her head against his shoulder. “It all seems so wrong.”