“Not me!” he yelled. “Fuck. I wasted a year on you?”
“See? I told you! If it wasn’t what you wanted, it wouldn’t have been a waste!”
“That’s not what I meant!” He ran his hands through his hair. “Why are you being like this? This isn’t you.”
“This is what I’m really like. I… I wanted to see what it was like to go out with a total loser. I’m not going back to a cult.” The words gushed, her brain didn’t engage. “I’m going back to a bloody rich family and they don’t want me to waste my time on sad bastards like you.”
“I’m not a… I could’ve gone out with anyone I wanted!” he yelled.
“Yeah, right! Mr Geek thinks he’s God’s gift to women, now that’s funny!”
“Why are you being such a bitch?”
“Why aren’t you getting it, Josh? You’re not the one who wasted a year,
I
was. So go on, find all those women desperate to go out with you instead!”
“I bloody well will!”
He didn’t move. He was making this so much harder. Cathy felt a rush of pure fury at the way he just wouldn’t let go. “Well, go on then! I wish you would find them, then I wouldn’t have to look at your sorry face any more!”
Her skin tingled, the sparkling ripple she’d seen in the flat the night before raced out from a spot behind a nearby waste-paper bin, snapped her out of the brutal desire to push him out of her life for his own good.
“Josh–”
“Just… fuck off, Cathy.”
He staggered into the road. She could hear the faerie laughing, tuned into its high pitch. Cathy burst into tears at the sight of his distress, hating herself more than she thought possible, fear and guilt rushing in to replace the anger. But she couldn’t take back what she’d said, and even though she wanted to gouge her own eyes out for hurting him so, it was still better than her family getting hold of him.
She headed for the faerie, hoping to grab it and throttle it until it took back the magic. The evil thing must have been spying on her and there was no way anything the spiteful creature had cast would be good for Josh. A screeching of tyres and a nauseating thud made her spin around to see Josh rolling along the ground in front of a black Lamborghini. She wanted to scream and run to him, but the air around her felt soupy, her body frozen in shock.
The driver’s door opened and a redhead who was seventy per cent legs, thirty per cent Gucci, jumped out and ran to her victim. Josh rolled over and stared at the redhead but Cathy still couldn’t move. It was like a film playing out in front of her, one in which she’d once been the lead.
The redhead gushed an apology and then an introduction; Josh mumbled his name back, still groggy. Cathy watched in disbelief as she helped him to his feet, white with shock, a gash on his forehead bleeding impressively, and got him into the passenger seat. The woman gave her the briefest glance, said “I’m taking him to the hospital, all right?” and got back in.
The car sped off, leaving Cathy in a momentary stupor before she remembered the faerie. It was hovering behind the litter bin, clutching its sides as it squeaked with laughter.
She glanced up and down the street, fearful of being spotted by an Arbiter. She’d never seen one before, but if there was ever going to be an occasion that precipitated the first time, this was it.
“You stupid, evil little–” Cathy swiped at it, hoping to grab hold of the tiny creature and crush it.
“Do you mean me or you?” it said, dodging her effortlessly. “If only complete idiocy would impress Lord Poppy, you’d be his favourite by far.”
“I didn’t mean to wish that! It wasn’t one of my three wishes!”
The faerie made a pretence of yawning. “Oh, how many times have we heard a mortal say that? Too late, Miss Plain, your favourite mundane is now as irresistible to women as you wished.”
“I never wished that!” she yelled.
“You wished he would find all the women who were desperate to be his girlfriend. Well, what better way than to bring one straight to him? My Lord’s magic is too powerful for you to cope with.”
“What about the answer to my first wish?” Cathy wasn’t certain she could handle this much longer.
It waved a tiny finger at her. “I told you, you didn’t express an exact time.”
“And Josh, what about him? Will the wish last forever?”
“He’s only a smelly mundane. Lord Poppy didn’t place any limits on the wishes. He’ll never be short of female company until the day he dies.”
“You’re telling me that his life is going to be changed forever because I didn’t specify an absolute?” Cathy kicked the bin. “God, you sound like a bloody lawyer!”
The faerie flew back in disgust. “How dare you! I’ll tell my master!”
“Come back here, you little elf-dropping, tell me how to fix it.”
The faerie floated back slowly. “You could use your third wish…” It pretended to look shocked. “Oh, but then you’d have run out of chances to impress my Lord. What. A. Shame.”
How could she have messed it up so catastrophically
twice
? Once was bad enough. She could still see Josh’s face and the hurt she’d caused. Cathy wiped the tears from her cheeks, feeling a pressure in her sinuses that distracted her from wanting to smear the faerie across the pavement.
A can clattered down the street towards her as if it had been kicked, but there was no one else there. The faerie started to snigger again as cigarette butts, sweet wrappers, leaves and other bits of street debris began rolling towards Cathy from all directions. The pressure in her skull increased and with horror she realised what was happening.
“They’re coming!” the faerie cheered and disappeared with a tiny pop.
It was a Seeker Charm. Disastrous wishes or not, it was all over.
10
William Reticulata-Iris looked out on Aquae Sulis, the glorious Bath stone and pristine Georgian buildings a welcome sight. It was quiet; those in Society rarely strolled before eleven in the morning and had no need to walk to and from shops as the mundanes did, so the streets of Aquae Sulis were usually quiet anyway.
“Another beautiful day in the Nether,” he said to Roberts, looking up at the silver sky. “I shall miss the blue though.”
“It’s a common problem at the end of a Grand Tour,” the artist replied as he sketched. “Perhaps you could look back up, sir.”
Will did so, glad to be able to look out of windows without having to pose. “Like this?”
“Excellent.”
“I suppose you’ll be glad of the rest,” Will said.
“I only have a month, and then I’m off again with the Wisterias’ youngest.”
“He’s come of age already?” Will tried to remember the boy, but he’d been too bland to make an impression. “Is he travelling alone?” When the artist nodded, Will gave him a sympathetic glance. “Less fun for you, old chap. Thank goodness Oliver could travel with me, otherwise you’d have been forced to entertain me as well as record the journey.”
“I’m sure you would’ve been able to find your own entertainment without any help from me, sir,” Roberts said with a smirk. “Never have I had so many evenings off on an assignment.”
“That doesn’t leave this carriage, Roberts.”
“I am the epitome of discretion,” Roberts said. “I’m not the most sought-after Tour artist just because I can sketch in a moving carriage.”
The carriage turned a corner and began to climb another hill. They were on the last stretch. Will checked his cravat and put on his gloves. “It’s been a pleasure travelling with you, Roberts. I’ll write a letter of commendation for your portfolio and I’m sure Mother will give you a generous gift once she sees the painting of the Alpinums.”
“It has been a mutual pleasure, sir,” Roberts replied as the carriage stopped.
The footman opened the door and unfolded the step. Will jumped out of the carriage, eager to stretch his legs. The family home was, as expected, unchanged, nestled between two other splendid townhouses of the Royal Crescent.
The butler opened the door as he approached, a broad smile on his face. Pleasantries were exchanged as his luggage was unloaded from the carriage, and his gloves and cane were taken. He was ushered towards the drawing room where his family were waiting.
“William!” His mother was the first to rush over and embrace him. She didn’t look a day over twenty, her chestnut-brown hair arranged to frame her face beautifully. “Look at you!”
His father greeted him with a firm shake of the hand as his mother kissed him on the cheek.
“You left a boy and returned such a handsome young man!” she said, smiling proudly.
“You’re as brown as a filthy stableboy,” Nathaniel said, stepping forward to shake hands as Father withdrew. “Mother, stop making such a fuss, he’s barely inside the room.”
She allowed William to enter. His elder brother’s handshake was just as painful as he remembered; Nathaniel was still unable to greet him without trying to prove who was the more important. Will did his best to return the gesture, earning a twitch of Nathaniel’s left eyebrow.
“Seems that life amongst the savages suits you, brother,” Nathaniel remarked, and moved away to allow his elder sister to have her turn at putting Will in his place.
“William,” she said, with a cold smile. “How delightful to see you again.” She came over and planted a kiss on his other cheek. He liked how she had to stand on tiptoes to do so. She looked more like Mother than he remembered.
“You are a picture, Imogen,” he said as his hand luggage was brought in.
And little more
, he thought, but didn’t voice it.
As he accepted her kiss, he saw his uncle waiting his turn. “Uncle Vincent!” He was glad to see his favourite had been invited. Uncle Vincent was the only one in the room who looked older since the last time Will saw him, older even than his father, despite the fact that he was Father’s younger brother. He’d clearly been having too much fun in Mundanus. Will made a mental note to arrange lunch with him to hear the juicy details.
“And me!” The little voice heralded an awkward silence.
He searched for its source and saw a small girl with one hand clutched around one of the silken folds of his mother’s gown, the other waving to him. Her hair was lighter than his siblings, but she had his mother’s eyes, like they all did.
“This is Sophia,” his mother said.
“You’re no longer the baby of the family,” Nathaniel chipped in.
“I’d like to think I haven’t been the baby for some time,” Will replied, covering his shock. A fourth child? He glanced at Father but he was cutting the end off a cigar and handing it to Uncle Vincent. He looked back at the small girl who had taken a tentative step towards him. He opened his arms and a delighted smile made her face angelic as she bounced over to be picked up.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him as the others had. “Hello, Will-yum.”
“Hello, Sophia,” he replied, and earned another kiss.
“She has a tendency to do that,” Nathaniel muttered, but Will simply kissed her back, earning a roll of the eyes from his brother but a sparkling grin from Sophia, which seemed much better value.
“Are you home forever now?”
“Yes.”
“Will you come and play in the Mundanus garden with me? Imogen won’t.” She pouted at her elder sister whose nose tilted upwards.
“Catching a ball is simply not incentive enough for losing one’s youth,” she said.
Will had a sudden craving for the mundane woman he’d chased through the surf on the coast of Sicily. Her skin was bronzed, she’d exuded life, and hadn’t given a moment’s care to whether the sun and sand would age her. His sister looked like a pale feather of a girl in comparison. All of them would now.
“I’ll come and play catch with you,” he said to Sophia. “It’s all right for big brothers to age a little.”
“Only enough to lose their boyish faces,” his mother said. “And, at the right time, to edge carefully towards distinguished.” She nodded towards Father. “But one must take care never to overdo it.”
“Would you like a sherry, Uncle Vincent?” Imogen asked, and Nathaniel smirked at her timing.
Will had almost forgotten what it was like to constantly be on guard. Oliver, his best friend and middle son of the Peonia family, was delightfully straightforward in comparison to his barbed siblings, and had been a fine companion for the Grand Tour. Will hoped all his time with Oliver and Roberts hadn’t rusted his social armour.
“Time for your gifts, I believe,” he said, setting Sophia down. She lurked near his leg before being coaxed away by their mother.
Sherry was handed out as he opened the smallest of his leather cases. The bag had been with him for the entirety of the trip, either held in his own hand or in sight as it was carried by porters or bellboys. It had been up mountains and down into dingy nightclubs all over Mundanus, in the finest guest bedrooms of the grandest Nether houses all over the world. He was pleased by the way it also had aged just enough.
He lifted out the first box, one of the largest in the bag, and held it towards his father. “For the man who wants for nothing.”
His father set his glass down, rested the cigar on the edge of an ashtray and crossed the room as the family watched. Will could still remember all of the gifts Nathaniel had brought back after his tour and he wanted to outdo every single one.
Father set the box down on a nearby table, unwrapped the plain brown paper and uncovered a humidor made of the most beautiful walnut. An unimpressed snort came from his brother’s direction.
“The gift is inside,” Will said. The box was opened and a row of cigars revealed. “There are three dozen Cohiba cigars that I personally commissioned from the owner of the company, using a blend hand-picked by their best tobacco expert.” He lowered his voice and leaned closer to his father. “They were hand-rolled on the thighs of a virgin Cuban girl with a face like an angel. I took the liberty of using a discreet Charm to put a little of her innocence into each one. It will make for an interesting smoke.”
His father actually looked intrigued, lifting one out to run it under his nose. Will noted how Nathaniel picked that moment to refill his glass and felt the warm glow of personal satisfaction. “I’ll save my first for after dinner. It’s a most thoughtful gift, thank you.”
“Your gift next, Mother, I’ll just have it brought in.”
He waved the footman in who’d been waiting in the hallway. He was carrying a painting wrapped in layers of fabric and canvas to protect it, and once it had been balanced on the arm of a chair it was unwrapped for her.
The painting was of her sister’s family, with Will seated next to his cousins. “I had Roberts paint it when we visited Austria,” he said, delighted by his mother’s astonished gasp.
“Clara doesn’t look a day older! And her sons aren’t nearly as handsome as you, Will.” She radiated delight. “What a beautiful gift, thank you, darling.”
He earned another kiss from his mother and a slight frown from Nathaniel. “And now you, dear brother,” he said, returning to his bag. “I searched the world for something more dangerous than you and your sword.”
Nathaniel laughed. “That’s an impressive challenge to set for yourself. Did you succeed?”
“Oh, yes.” Will gave his most devilish smile, and when he was sure everyone’s anticipation had been built to perfection, he pulled out the tiny package. There was a titter from Imogen and Uncle Vincent. “But first, you need to put these on.” He produced a pair of leather gloves with a flourish that drew the family closer.
Nathaniel put them on, looking Will in the eye as he did so. Then he ripped off the paper and plucked out one of the chilli peppers from their wrapping. “Is that it?” he asked.
“That, dear brother, is the hottest chilli pepper in the world. It’s called the ‘Trinidad Scorpion Butch T’.”
“What a vulgar name,” Nathaniel said with a sniff.
“It was grown in Australia, I watched this batch being picked. Try it, if you dare.”
“After I’ve seen what you’ve brought for everyone else,” Nathaniel said.
“Coward,” Imogen prodded him. “Go on. I want to see if it makes you cry.”
“I will if you will,” Nathaniel said, holding it out to his brother.
Will had prepared for this moment. “As you wish,” he smiled, and bit a tiny piece off. A beat later Nathaniel did the same. He flushed the same red as Will, but dashed out of the room, coughing.
Will grinned as Imogen applauded him.
“That was a little cruel, William,” Mother said.
“It was nothing worse than what he gave me,” he replied, blinking away the tears that had sprung as he swallowed the sliver of pepper. The weeks of desensitisation had been just enough, though he did fear that he’d never be able to taste anything properly ever again. It was still worth it.
“I hope that’s the last of this childish one-upmanship between you,” his father said, looking unimpressed.
“I doubt there is anything that could follow it, Father,” Will replied.
“It’s just a bit of fun, George,” Uncle Vincent said. “A little healthy rivalry is only natural.”
They exchanged a look that made Will uncomfortable. Again, he was reminded of this life of unspoken things. He sipped the water that the butler had brought in after seeing Nathaniel dash out, and straightened his waistcoat.
“Whilst Nathaniel tidies himself up, I think it’s time for Imogen’s present,” he said, seeing a flicker of excitement cross his sister’s face.
He produced the next package from his bag, a slender box wrapped in oriental paper. “I procured this from a most interesting individual in China,” he said as he handed it to her. “This is the first part.”
She unwrapped it eagerly and pulled the fan out of the box. Spreading it open, she smiled at the blue irises hand-painted in the oriental style. “It’s beautiful,” she said, but he could see she was disappointed.
“The second part is the secret that only the owner of the fan may hear, one that I must pass to you in private.”
Her demeanour shifted into one of delight. “I look forward to it.”
“Uncle Vincent, this is for you,” he said, passing him the gift.
His uncle smiled broadly at the deck of cards.
“Hand-painted and unique,” Will told him. “I’ll tell you about the artist over a game of poker.”
“I’ll hold you to that,” his uncle said with a wink.
“But what about my present?” Sophia asked.
“Darling, William didn’t–”
“I have it in here somewhere,” Will cut in, mouthing an apology to his mother as Sophia rushed over to peep into the bag. “Ah, here it is!”
He produced an ornate key carved out of ivory.
“Oooooh!” Sophia took it. “What does it open?”
“Ah,” Will said, thinking quickly. “That key opens a very special box that can only be opened when you come of age.”
Sophia pouted. “But that’s days and days away!”
Will laughed and pulled out a bag of caramels left over from the journey. “Perhaps these will keep you happy until then.”
Duty discharged, he accepted his glass of sherry as they inspected each other’s presents. Nathaniel eventually reappeared, giving William a glare as he entered.
“I’d take it as a compliment,” Uncle Vincent said to him. “If it had been anything less fiery, it would have insulted your prowess as a swordsman.”
Nathaniel chose to agree, accepting his uncle’s implicit efforts to calm things between them. “That’s a good point, Uncle.” He came over and shook Will’s hand. “Touché, dear brother.”
Their father nodded in satisfaction. “Well, now that William has duly impressed us all, it’s time to let him rest and settle back in.” He came over and put a hand on his shoulder. “A word with you in my study first, William.”