Between You & Me (4 page)

ME

Hi—

She returns the greeting expectantly, smiling for another moment—and we continue on our way! My tone seems to hang in the air as I stare blankly down the hall. It sounded like a question, like I was going to go on, a precursor to something interesting, but there it stayed. Embarrassingly incomplete. Somehow, she even compromises my ability to say hello right! This has never happened to me before. I've never been shy to talk to anyone. I used to ask our sexy history teacher to write
everything
on the board so we could whoop at his sculpted butt when he turned around. But this? It's all I can do to stop from banging my head against the wall. As I head into English, I try to convince myself of the possibility that she thinks I'm intriguingly enigmatic, and not a moron.

In front of school, I'm sitting pigeon-toed with my chin on my knees, gazing at my shoes. You're a step down, probably a second away from smacking me on the head and telling me to snap out of it. I know I'm not the best company right now but at least I'm not regaling you with my conquests like
Grace, a girl in our year, three steps down. Apparently, she thinks Mr. Marsden, the new art teacher, is
smoking
hot. Me? I feel blue. This new feeling is depressing. Every time I see Mia, I can feel myself slipping further into my admiration of her. I should dig in my heels, make it stop. Maybe I'll just head home and shake it off. A hand on my thigh, and I'm sandwiched between Ryan and Tony. I can think of a lot of places I'd rather be sandwiched. Like between a rock and a hard place. It's Ryan's hand on my thigh. I sweep it off like a crumb.

RYAN

Hey, Phyre. You look hot.

I can never tell a real compliment from sparkling humor so I make a face. Ryan keeps going.

How can a hot girl like you be such an ice queen?

ME

(Rising silently above it)

RYAN

Give Tony a chance. He likes you.

I turn to Tony. His knee has come through his jeans so the bottom of his pant leg is hanging on by a thread. He'd look stupid if it fell off. Stupid and cool are linked by a thread!

ME

Can you give me a good reason to go out with you?

This takes Tony by surprise. You're smiling, bouncing your eyes back and forth between us as he puzzles this one out. He's as good-looking as any guy in the year, better than most, but if he can't look me in the eye and make me feel something, then what's the point? Right? I pull at the rip in his jeans with my finger, shaking my head with playful disapproval.

ME

Care about yourself and people will care about you!

A home ec joke, and a quote from Mrs. Kook, our home ec teacher. Kook is not her real name but it's the only one I've ever called her. Everyone laughs, even Tony, but I can tell I embarrassed him. I wonder for a second why I'm being mean. I gaze past him and, with a leap of my heart, see Mia leaving school. I stand up impulsively.

ME

It's been fun, guys, but I have things to do.

Ryan is leaning back on the step like I may find him too irresistible to leave. I'll manage. I swing my bag over my
shoulder and give you a look to say that you can come if you like. In a few steps you catch up and start walking with me toward the gate.

YOU

Heading home, or you wanna go through town?

I look over at Mia again, mid-conversation with
smoking
hot Mr. Marsden ahead of us. I want her to notice me—I can't explain it. With guys it's easy. You learn to expect what everyone else wants: hand holding, kissing, a sweet note to make you feel special. But feeling like this? And with a girl? I rub my forehead. I'll try not to think about it and maybe it'll go away. Mia has paused at the gate so we reach her and Mr. Marsden at the same time as Grace and a group of girls appear behind us. Their flirty attention on Mr. Marsden, we have the chance to say hi to Mia. This “hi” makes me sound perkier than a summer camp counselor. I take a vow of silence in my head. Ryan and Tony have caught up. I grab your sleeve and skirt to the edge of the pack to steer clear of association with gems like:

GRACE

Mr. Marsden, do you have a girlfriend?

Grace leans a forearm coyly on her friend Ginny's shoulder like she's a prop. If I were Ginny, I'd step away. Mia smiles as she gets the same inappropriate questioning. Her furtive
raised eyebrow to whether she has a boyfriend seems like a yes—of course she does, it'd be crazy if she didn't. Having someone around like Grace, who says everything you would
never
dream of saying, has its perks. You can roll your eyes and still hear the answer. She persists.

GRACE

Do you live together?

Everyone seems to move in closer, reminding me of last year's French exchange group with their relaxed sense of personal space. Mia is squeezed out of view as more people flock through the gate. I feel like a toddler at a rock concert. You've said something but I'm still trying to hear her. Your voice again:

YOU

Phy? You coming?

When I reluctantly step away, I think I hear Ryan chiming in.

RYAN

Tony wants to know your position on dating students.

A fit of laughter. I glance back but from what I can see Mia is still smiling good-naturedly. We stop at the corner and I realize how much I wish I wanted to fawn all over Mr. Marsden.

YOU

You okay?

ME

Sure! Fine!

The answer is not
Sure! Fine!
so I'm not sure why I say it is. And you're not stupid, I know you don't believe me. I should have been honest—I'm always honest with you! But somehow this is different. I can't say anything yet, I can't define it and I'm not sure I want to. Seeing my focus shift over your shoulder again, you try for a sympathetic nod but I can see that you're feeling shut out.

YOU

So I'll see you tomorrow?

I return the nod and watch you take a couple of steps backward before you shift your bag onto your shoulder and swing away from me as we go our separate ways.

Staring at the ceiling, I push the covers down, pulling a pillow into my arms and burying my face beneath it to shut out the
shaft of moonlight from the gap in the curtains. My decision not to think about Mia is like deciding not to think about a pink elephant when someone says
Don't think about a pink elephant.
And, after all, there's nothing wrong with how I feel, right? It probably doesn't mean anything … Something Mom once said runs through my head:
Belonging is a privilege
. I take a ponderous breath and roll onto my back, pushing off the covers. Well, I think I took belonging for granted. At least, I don't want to be set apart. Not for this. I need to fit in.

Fifteen minutes later, I'm still staring at the ceiling. I think the angry purple is keeping me awake. It's always been my favorite color so I never gave it any thought but I suddenly feel like I can't have it there another minute. I untangle my feet from the sheet. Mom has aquamarine leftover from the spare room. I feel for the phone and call you on your cell as it's the middle of the night. The ringing sounds so loud in the darkness. You're on the end of the phone, sleepy, and maybe cross, I can't quite tell.

ME

Hi, it's me. Are you asleep?

YOU

Hmm?

ME

Can you come over and help me paint my room?

YOU

Hmm? It'sthemiddleofthenight.

ME

I know, but purple isn't peaceful.

Whether you've come because you're the best friend anyone could ever have, or because you think I'm crazy and in need of help, you're on the front step and I love you. I pull open the door and stand there grinning at you. Can you see me through your bleary eyes? You're wearing pajama pants, a coat, and boots. If anyone could see you now they would understand friendship. We tiptoe upstairs. I'm clutching a can of paint.

We can't listen to music like in movies because we'll wake Mom, so we paint in the silence of night. And standing here,
brush in my hand, I recognize the true absurdity of this. You look my way and I shrug with a little grin. You give me your only-you smile, the one I get on these special occasions, and I know I'll always have you.

Half the bedroom is painted. There's a green smear on your cheek from where you pushed your hair out of your eyes. The aquamarine hasn't quite covered the purple. That would take an undercoat or second coat so I shall consider it a special effect. The bottom of the sea in purple shadow.