Beyond the Pale: A fantasy anthology (32 page)

Quincey Dormouse next
secured the services of an individual with the somewhat notorious reputation of
having not only studied, but successfully hunted, Creatures of the Night in his
native Switzerland. This was none other than Professor Abraham Van Lemming. He
was a remarkable old fellow, quite gray and, one might say with some accuracy
(if indelicacy), that he was mangy.

Embarking on a series
of research expeditions, Dr. Van Lemming announced that it was his belief that
Count Dracurat had transported his many coffins from the
Fontina
and
placed them throughout the village of Hedgehogs-upon-Trivets. He revealed that
he found several odd coffins in warehouses and beneath the wharf, and had
placed hosts of holy water in them in the hopes of preventing the Count, if
they were indeed his coffins, from resting in his native earth.

He said to Quincey,
scratching at the mangy patches of his coat, “However, it is mine believing
that he has other coffins in the village gehidden, and they must be found and
destroyed!”

Quincey Dormouse was
quite in accord. While Dr. Van Lemming conducted his searches, he guarded the
beauteous Miss Lightning. Then, one night, he received a note from the good
doctor:

Tonight. Catfax
Abbey.

With assurances to
Mr. and Mrs. Merriemouse-Jones that he would soon return, he met Dr. Van
Lemming by moonlight at the appointed place. Dr. Van Lemming then produced two
crucifixes, wooden stakes, and holy water. He presented Quincey Dormouse with
one of each, and revealed to him his belief that Count Dracurat had set up
residence in the shadow of the abbey itself.

“For when one
searches for the things of the shadows, one does not look into the light, eh?”
he asked, with a twinkle in his eye. “In other words, this evil Count flaunts
his diabolical nature by dwelling in close proximity to a house of worship!”

Mr. Dormouse was much
amazed by the professor’s deduction, but as they crept beyond the abbey walls,
such a sense of foreboding came over him that he perceived the truth of the
professor’s words: they moved in the presence of a great evil.

This they did not
know, but at that precise moment, Captain Van Rattraap awoke in his cell and
began thrashing about, raving, “My master comes! See how he comes, with his
beady red eyes and his great, enormous teeth!”

He was quite
inconsolable, though Dr. Sewerat employed all the most modern methods of
psychic medicine at his disposal to ease his hysteria: a bath of cold water and
a good beating. So distraught was the captain that Dr. Sewerat raced from
asylum to private rooms, alerting Mr. and Mrs. Merriemouse-Jones that something
was amiss.

Together, the trio
burst into Lightning’s boudoir. And there, revealed to their horrified gazes,
they discovered the silhouette of a great rat thrown against the wall!

Mrs.
Merriemouse-Jones screamed as Dr. Sewerat and her husband darted forward,
brandishing the gas lamp Dr. Sewerat carried as one would a weapon. The soft
light from the fixture cast a revealing glow: an enormous, hulking rat stood
with his back to the balcony door (for such was there, for the duration of this
tale, but never spoken of previously.) He had ebony fur, large red eyes, and
long, beaverlike teeth. He wore a black opera cape lined in red silk and a
medal of honor around his neck, though what honor can a fiend of Hell possess?

Few can dispute the
ferocity of the bonds that exist between mother and child. Without thought of
her own safety, Mrs. Merriemouse-Jones advanced upon the villain and attempted
to fling her arms around him. But as she did so, he spread forth his paws. He
stared into her eyes, and began to chant in a language she did not know.

In an instant, she,
Mr. Merriemouse-Jones, and Dr. Sewerat were mesmerized, standing still as
statues, in a state of catatonia.

As they looked
helplessly on, the dread Count Dracurat spoke these words:

“You have thought to
keep me from this lovely maiden. Ah, foolish mices of England! Now that you
have sent your varriors to my abode, I am free to make Lightning
Merriemouse-Jones my new bride! For surely your menfolk vill destroy my old
Countess, and I shall begin a new life of romance vith this exquisite creature!
Now, you, doctor of the insane, remove the odious garlic bulbs from the
vicinity of her person!”

Imagine the despair
with which Lightning’s parents attended his pronouncement! Unable to stop
himself, Dr. Sewerat did as he commanded, gathering up the garlic that
prevented Count Dracurat from harming their child. As further ordered, he
carried everything into the hall, and there remained.

The Count’s smile was
wicked and toothsome as he then approached their beloved daughter, opened wide
his mouth, and prepared to bite down upon her neck!

But in the precise moment
of her undoing, Count Dracurat drew back and cried, “Who has bitten this young
lady?”

And in
that
moment of reprieve, via the aforementioned balcony, a second black rat with red
eyes and sharp, protruding teeth flew into the room!

Yes, flew, as would a
bat, although this creature was most assuredly a rat. This one wore a scarlet
gown with a ruff of ebony; the apparently feminine monster seized Count
Dracurat around the neck and began to shriek in a tone most shrill and ignoble:

“You cheating
creepinski! How dare you leave me, a Countess and a Fancy Rat, in our
matrimonial coffin for vampire hunters to find, while you cavort vith a common
mouse girl!”

Then she squeezed her
paws tighter and tighter still. The Count’s eyes bugged, and he began to gasp.
As the Countess Dracurat strangled her errant spouse, his hold upon the
Merriemouse-Joneses dissolved. Yes, even the young lady was released. Her eyes
flew open; she sat up in her bed, and cried, “
Mama! Papa!”

Her elders raced to
her, her paternal relative lifting her up into his arms while both father and
mother kissed her sweet, furry face. Sobbing with joy, they were about to quit
the scene of so much violence and disaster, when Abraham van Lemming and
Quincey Dormouse also burst through the balcony door, stakes, holy water, and
garlic bulbs in hand.

“Ah ha! You thought
to escape!” Abraham van Lemming cried with what can only be described as glee.

“Mister
Merriemouse-Jones!” Quincey bellowed. “Please convey Miss Lightning to a more
yonderous location! These two are about to meet their Maker and I doubt it will
be pretty!”

So it was done, and
therefore, Gentle Reader, you are assured that the actual destruction of the
two evil vampire rats was accomplished out of the sight of the gentle Miss
Lightning Merriemouse-Jones and her beloved parents, just as it is accomplished
out of your own sight. Suffice to say that it was bloody and horrible in the
extreme, and that Quincey Dormouse nearly gave his own life in the ordeal.

When it was done, Van
Lemming and Quincey reunited with the trembling family. Dr Sewerat joined them
also, most contrite for twice remaining passive and offstage when his presence
could have thwarted the plot.

All was revealed: The
two fearless vampire hunters explained that the evil Count Dracurat had designs
upon Miss Merriemouse-Jones back at his castle, of a nature which could not be
detailed in mixed company. However, his wife was suspicious. Happily, Madame
was also tired of living in the country. Therefore the Count suggested they
quit the cold climate of Catpathia and mix in England, forcing Lightning to act
as their interpreter in all things English—to serve as Beatrice to their
Dante, in their presumption to enter civilized human congress. But in truth, he
had hoped to find a way to rid himself of the Countess during their voyage on
the
Fontina.

Alas, Countess
Dracurat proved tenacious and continually suspicious, and as before, his “dread
bride” stood between him and the delectable young maiden he coveted with all
the lasciviousness with which a fiend of Hell was capable. For it was of the
Countess that Captain Van Rattraap wrote in the log, a fact he himself made
clear, now that he had regained his wits.

The crafty Count
devised a secondary scheme: he would made it easy for Van Lemming to discover
the coffins containing the native Catpathian earth in which Count and Countess
must rest, in order to continue their unholy lives. His ultimate object what
that Van Lemming should discover the Countess asleep in the matrimonial coffin
the Count so unwillingly shared. Once the vampire hunters dispatched his
current Countess, the Count could honorably install Lightning in that position.
Therefore, though evil, he was courtly, and he himself had never touched their
young lady, preferring to wait until such time as he could “rightly” claim her
as his own.

The marks that
Quincey Dormouse had found upon the delicate neck of Miss Lightning had been
made by the Countess. She had hoped to rid herself of her rival, but the wreck
of the
Fontina
had interrupted her plans. However, once Lightning was
ensconced in her room at the asylum, she had managed to attack her! But just
the once; and then she was further prevented by Quincey Dormouse’s order that
garlic be placed in the room… which in the end, may have proved the saving of
Lightning’s life, and her immortal soul as well!

In deep gratitude for
the great favor done his family, Mr. Merriemouse-Jones offered Van Lemming and
Quincey each all his worldly goods, and each turned him down. Van Lemming
assured the fatherly rodent that his calling to rid the world of vampires was
on the order of a religious quest, and therefore, he had no need of material
things. As for Quincey, he was, as he himself phrased it in the colorful
American vernacular, “rich as all get-out.”

Upon hearing this,
Madame’s eyes lit up and she gazed meaningfully at her child. But Lightning
lifted her lovely white chin in an insouciant manner, as if to remind her dame
that she had quitted the family seat rather than be forced to marry, and may do
so again, if pressed.

However, when Mr.
Dormouse inquired as to whether he may call upon Miss Lightning at the
Merriemouse-Jones residence before his scheduled return to Texas, permission
was granted.

A protest filed by Miss Belle Holder: Lightning is not white. She hates
white. Why did you make her white? Why did you make this a vampire story? We
did not discuss that. Also, there is too much talking! Except that there should
be as many eeeks in the letter as there are human words. Listen, you need to
grab your reader on the first page and go right through it with a beginning, a
middle, and an end. Make things happen. People like to read about violence.
That’s why Buffy the Vampire Slayer is popular, Mom. Because of the Kung Fu.

ABOUT THE CONTRIBUTORS

Saladin
Ahmed

Saladin
Ahmed’s poetry has earned fellowships from several universities, and has
appeared in over a dozen journals and anthologies. His short stories have been
nominated for the Nebula and Campbell awards, have appeared in numerous
magazines and podcasts, and have been translated into five foreign languages.
He has also written nonfiction for The Escapist, Fantasy Magazine, and Tor.com.
Throne of the Crescent Moon
is his first novel. Visit Saladin at
www.saladinahmed.com.

Peter
S. Beagle

Peter S.
Beagle is the Hugo, Nebula, Inkpot Award for Outstanding Achievement in Science
Fiction and Fantasy, and World Fantasy Award for Life Achievement winning
author of
The Last Unicorn
and
Two Hearts
.
The Last Unicorn
ranked #5 on Locus subscribers’ All-Time Best Fantasy Novel list.
The Last
Unicorn
was adapted to an animated movie. Peter also wrote the screenplay
for the 1978 movie version of
The Lord of the Rings
.

Heather
Brewer

Heather
Brewer is the NY Times bestselling author of the Vladimir Tod series. She grew
up on a diet of Twilight Zone and books by Stephen King. She chased them down
with every drop of horror she could find—in books, movie theaters, on
television. The most delicious parts of her banquet, however, she found lurking
in the shadowed corners of her dark imagination. When she’s not writing books,
she’s skittering down your wall and lurking underneath your bed.

Heather
doesn’t believe in happy endings... unless they involve blood.
 
She lives in Missouri with her husband
and two children.
 
Visit Heather at
www.heatherbrewer.com.

Jim
Butcher

Jim Butcher
is the NY Times bestselling author of the Dresden Files series, the
Codex
Alera
, and a new steampunk series, the Cinder Spires. His resume includes a
laundry list of skills which were useful a couple of centuries ago, and he
plays guitar quite badly. An avid gamer, he plays tabletop games in varying
systems, a variety of video games on PC and console, and LARPs whenever he can
make time for it. Jim currently resides mostly inside his own head, but his
head can generally be found in his home town of Independence, Missouri or at
www.jim-butcher.com.

Rachel
Caine

NY Times
and USA Today bestselling author Rachel Caine is a fictional character herself
… a pen name of writer Roxanne Conrad. Since 2003, Rachel has written in the
adult Urban Fantasy genre (the
Weather Warden, Outcast Season, Revivalist
and
Red Letter Days
series) as well as in Young Adult fiction (the
Morganville
Vampires
series and the upcoming novel
Prince of Shadows).
She and
her husband, artist R. Cat Conrad, live and work in Fort Worth, Texas. Visit
Rachel at www.rachelcaine.com.

Kami
Garcia

Kami Garcia
is the NY Times bestselling coauthor of the
Beautiful Creatures
novels
and the Bram Stoker Award nominated novel
Unbreakable
, and the sequel
Unmarked
,
in the Legion series.

Kami is
fascinated by the paranormal, and she’s very superstitious. When she isn’t
writing, she can usually be found watching disaster movies, listening to
Soundgarden, or drinking Diet Coke. She lives in Maryland with her family, and
their dogs Spike and Oz (named after characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer).
Visit Kami at www.kamigarcia.com.

Nancy
& Belle Holder

Nancy and
Belle Holder have written two adventures starring Lightning Merriemouse-Jones; the
other appeared in
Pandora’s Closet
. Belle races autonomous vehicles and
is a frequent presenter at MakerFaire and GeekGirlCon. Nancy is a Bram Stoker
Award winning and NY Times bestselling author (the Wicked Saga) also known for
her novels and episode guides based on
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
,
Teen
Wolf
,
Beauty and the Beast
, and other TV shows. She also writes and
edits comic books. They live in San Diego. Visit Nancy at www.nancyholder.com.

Gillian
Philip

Gillian
Philip’s books include
Crossing the Line
,
Bad Faith
,
The
Opposite of Amber
and the Rebel Angels series -
Firebrand
,
Bloodstone
,
Wolfsbane
and
Icefall
. She has been nominated and shortlisted for
awards including the Carnegie Medal, the Scottish Children’s Book Award and the
David Gemmell Legend Award. Her home is in the north-east Highlands of Scotland
with her husband, twins, three dogs, two cats, a fluctuating population of
chickens and many nervous fish. Visit Gillian at www.gillianphilip.com.

Jane
Yolen

Jane Yolen,
often called “the Hans Christian Andersen of America,” is the author of over
300 books, including
Owl Moon, The Devil’s Arithmetic,
and
How do
Dinosaurs Say Goodnight?
The books range from rhymed picture books and baby
board books, through middle grade fiction, poetry collections, nonfiction, and
up to novels, graphic novels, and story collections for young adults and
adults.

Her books
and stories have won an assortment of awards--two Nebulas, a World Fantasy
Award, a Caldecott, the Golden Kite Award, three Mythopoeic awards, two
Christopher Medals, a nomination for the National Book Award, and the Jewish
Book Award, among others. She is also the winner (for body of work) of the
Kerlan Award and the Catholic Library’s Regina Medal, and named a Grand Master
for both the Science Fiction Poetry Association, and the World Fantasy Association.
Six colleges and universities have given her honorary doctorates. Visit Jane at
www.janeyolen.com

Henry
Herz

Henry
writes fantasy and science fiction books for young readers, including
Nimpentoad
and
Monster Goose Nursery Rhymes
. He enjoys moderating sci-fi/fantasy
convention panels and eating Boston Crème Pie. He lives in San Diego with his
wife and two co-author sons. Visit Henry at www.henryherz.com.