Authors: T. C. Booth
My phone signals that I've got a text. I reach for it on my nightstand without sitting up. My arm feels so light without my cast that I nearly fling the phone out of my hand. I read the text that lights up on the screen.
I'll be over by 5. Glad your cast is off. Brody
I lie on top of the covers of my bed with my feet on the wall and stroke Sadie's fur. She's curled at my side.
Since I haven't been to school, I've been texting Sam's mom most of the day. He's still in the hospital fighting an infection. He was able to see his bedroom ceiling when he video-called with Sarah. He thought it was cool. Marie's going to call me at 5 o'clock today so Brody and I can video-call with Sam. I sent Brody a text earlier to tell him to come over.
My eyes roam the pale blue walls of my room. Basketball trophies line the shelf above my dresser. On the wall beside the shelf is a picture of Sam, Brody, and me with our arms around each other. Medals dangle around our necks. We won a three-on-three basketball tournament at the local YMCA when we were in sixth grade.
I spy something white peeking from behind the frame of the picture. I hop off my bed and pull it out. It's a folded piece of paper. I turn it over in my hand, trying to decide if I want to unfold it. This one piece of paper holds a magnitude of memories. I open it fold by fold. Two flowers with petals made from fingerprints are revealed as I unfold the last crease of the paper. I run my fingers across the pink flower made with the smaller finger prints and then across the blue flower with the bigger fingerprints.
I liked to make pictures with my smelly markers the summer before I started kindergarten. The pink marker was my favorite because it smelled like strawberries. I had the bright idea of coloring my fingers with the markers and making fingerprints on my pictures. Mom said I wasn't allowed to color myself with my markers, but she was at the flower shop so I was brave. Dad caught me. I thought for sure I'd be in big trouble. To my surprise, he sat down beside me and colored his fingers with the blue markers. We drew stems on a blank piece of paper and pressed our inked-up fingers above the stems to make petals for the flowers.
“Knock, knock! Anybody home?” Brody's voice comes from the living room.
“In here!” I yell. I refold the paper and tuck it back behind the frame.
“Look at you without a purple arm.” He crosses my room to join me in front of the picture. “I remember that day. We kicked butt in that tournament.” He studies the picture while I study his profile. His dark brown hair is shorter than the last time I saw him. He still has enough bangs to flip to the side, though.
I feel my face flush when he catches me looking at him. He grins and touches my chin. “You doing okay?”
I nod. “I'm good. Needed time to chill, I guess.” I shrug and check the time. It's 4:55 p.m. “Sam's mom will be calling soon. You want take the call outside? I've been in all day.”
“Sure.” He follows me outside to the front porch. The wooden swing suspended from the porch ceiling drops a little from our weight when we sit. Its chains creak as we sway back and forth. My phone rests on my lap in wait of the phone call I've been looking forward to all day.
“What's going on at school?” I keep my eyes on my fingernails while I pick at them.
“Not much. Talk about a girl going crazy and beating up furniture. You know, the usual drama.” Brody nudges me with his shoulder.
“Whatever! I should be embarrassed, but I'm not. You should've seen Mr. Baldy's face.” I'm embarrassed, but I'm not going to admit it. Brody laughs.
My phone lights up and I snatch it from my leg. “Hello?”
Marie's face fills my phone screen. “Hi, Gabby. Is Brody there?”
“Right here.” Brody leans in so Marie can see him. I scoot closer so we both fit onto the screen. Brody puts his arm around me to close the space. My insides tingle.
Focus, Gabby.
“Good. Here's Sam,” she says and holds her phone in front of Sam. He smiles behind the tubes that fill his nose. Smaller tubes connected to needles run from his arms to machines beside him. I want to reach through the screen and take him into my arms. My heart feels like someone's squeezing it.
“Hey. What's up?” His voice is weak. It sounds as if it takes every ounce of breath he has to talk.
“Not much. We're waiting on you to get home. I take my driver's test on Saturday. We need to take a drive in my Jeep.” Brody answers as if it's just a normal day and our best friend doesn't look like death is creeping in on him.
Sam coughs for long minute. Now it feels as if the hold on my heart has progressed to someone trying to rip it from my body.
“That's cool,” he finally manages to get out.
There's something I need to say. I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that this may be the last chance to get it out. “Sam?”
“Hi, Gabs,” he answers with a weak smile.
“If I don't get a chance to tell you later, thanks for being the best friend anyone could ever have.” My voice cracks and I try with all my might to pull it back together.
“Hey, that's my line.” His chuckle sends him into another coughing spell.
“Did I miss something?” Brody raises his eyebrows at me.
I shake my head. “Sam, I love you.” My heart hammers in my chest. I've never told him that before, but I need to. I know all too well how once a moment is gone, you can never get it back.
“I love you too, Gabs.” His voice is near a whisper. “Take care of her for me, Brody. She can be aâ¦challenge.”
“You don't have to tell me.” Brody gives a nervous giggle. “You get better so you can help me. It takes two of us to keep her in line.”
“Gabby, don't cry,” Sam gasps in between breaths.
I touch my face. Tears pour like rain from my eyes. I can't remember the last time I cried like this. I wipe the tears away and clear my throat. “I'm okay. I just miss you, that's all. You get better.” I blow him a kiss.
He pretends to catch the kiss in his hand and places it on his heart. Marie's voice comes from the background. “Sam, you need to rest now.”
He nods. “See you guys.”
“See you later,” Brody and I answer as one voice.
“Man, that was hard!” Brody rests his head in his hands, his elbows propped on his knees.
I'm speechless. The weight of the last few minutes is heavy on my soul. I know in my heart that it will be the last time I'll speak to him.
Brody eventually lifts his head, turning his face to mine. His eyes are wet. A tear travels down his cheek. I wipe it away with my thumb. He captures my hand in his and presses my fingers to his lips. I can't tear my eyes away from his.
We stare at each other without speaking, yet a whole conversation passes between us. He leans close to my face. His lips touch mine. They are so soft. I didn't know a boy's lips could be so soft. I kiss him back. He pulls away after a minute. His glorious gray eyes penetrate mine. My whole world has been turned upside down in the last few minutes.
Brody breaks the silence filling the space between us on the swing. “I've wanted to kiss you since we were in sixth grade.”
My jaw drops. “Really?” Over the last few weeks I've felt guilty for crushing on him, and he's wanted to kiss me for the last three years?
“I was so jealous that Sam got to be your first kiss at outdoor education.” His face is flushed. In all of the years we've been friends, I've never seen him blush.
“Three years? You've wanted to kiss me for three years? I've been torturing myself for weeks over crushing on you. Feeling guilty for wanting to touch your dimples, and all this time you've wanted to kiss me.” I can't believe I just spilled all that.
A grin materializes across his face. The dimples that tortured me for weeks are so deep I can't take my eyes off of them. “You've been crushing on me? You want to touch my dimples?” His eyes twinkle.
My face burns with embarrassment. “Yeah,” I confess. “I felt guilty because of what Sam is going through. We all need each other right now. I thought I shouldn't be feeling things that could change our friendship.” I can't look at him now.
Brody tangles his fingers through mine. “I know what you mean. I was jealous when I saw you and Sam dancing. The guilt was killing me. That was his moment. I shouldn't have been feeling that way. When we talked in the hall aboutâ¦your dad, I felt so close to you. I thought about kissing you then, but it wasn't the right time.”
I now know what the saying “butterflies in your stomach” means. I think a swarm of them must be fluttering through mine right now. I gaze into Brody's face, and this time I lean in to kiss him.
When we break, I tug him off of the swing. “I want to show you something.” He follows me into my bedroom. I pull the paper from behind the picture of us on the wall and plop onto my bed. I fold my legs under me. The bed dips when he sits beside me. I unfold the paper and hand it to him.
He studies it, reading the words and date written under the two flowers. He glances up at me. “Cool. You have your dad's fingerprints on a flower.”
I nod. “I used to take that picture with me to kindergarten every day after the accident. I would get it out and trace my fingers over his fingerprints. I pretended I was touching his fingers.”
“Oh, wow. I'm sorry you had to go through that.” He rubs my arm.
I shake my head. “That's not why I'm telling you this. This picture is how I met Sam.”
He tilts his head and looks down at me. I continue, “I used to sit by myself on the playground and trace my dad's fingerprints. Sam came over and asked me what I was doing, and I told him that I missed my dad. Sam said that it was okay, I'd see him after school. I told him that my dad was gone, in Heaven.”
Brody scoots closer, puts his arm around me, and pulls me next to him so that we both look at the picture now resting on his lap.
“He asked where Heaven was. I told him that it was someplace in the sky. He said we could pretend we were astronauts and go look for my dad. He told me that was what he was going to be when he grew up, so he could look at the stars.” Tears fall down my face again. I can't believe it. For years I haven't cried more than a tear or two, and for the second time today they fall freely down my face. Brody wipes them with his thumb.
“We ran to the jungle gym and climbed up the slide. We pretended we were taking off on a rocket ship.” My eyes meet Brody's. I smile as I recall what happened next. “Then, a cute little boy with dark hair and gray eyes asked us if he could play.”
His face lights up. “I remember that. We used to pretend the jungle gym was our space station.” I nod and rest my forehead against his.
****
I walk outside with Brody when his mom comes to pick him up. It's dark now, so the stars sparkle like diamonds. We both look up and find Vica without speaking. We don't need to. We both know the other is thinking about Sam. Brody's mom waves at me from the end of my drive as she walks around the Jeep to get into the passenger seat.
“Mom's good about letting me drive. Dad stresses too much,” Brody says.
“Good luck tomorrow. Text me after your driving test. I'll be at my first group meeting at hospice when you're taking your test.” I roll my eyes.
“Good luck to you, too. It'll be okay, Gabs.” He rubs his hand over his hair and glances at his mom. “Well, I'll see ya later.” He squeezes my hand before jogging down the drive.
“See ya,” I call after him and watch him pull away in his black Jeep.
After I've changed into my PJs, I fold the picture that holds so many memories and tuck it under my pillow. The developments of the day run like a slideshow through my mind. Sam looked so sick and weak. I can feel deep inside me that he's slipping away. It hurts so bad. At the same time, my relationship with my other friend has taken on a whole new level. I've shared things with Brody that I've never told anyone. I can't even get started on how he kisses. My face burns at the memory of it.
I'm a little nervous about tomorrow. It's hard for me to open up to people, especially strangers. I told mom I'd try it once. I don't plan on going back after tomorrow. That's the last thing I remember thinking before I fall to sleep and dream of Sam, Brody, and me traveling to space in a rocket ship.
I scan the faces of the circle and come to rest on Jamie from my English class. I almost don't recognize her. Her hair is now turquoise. She has a pink stud in her nose and is wearing black lipstick. She has on long sleeves despite the fact it's 80 degrees outside.
“What about you, Gabby? What's something you do to cope when you have feelings that are hard to deal with?” The group leader, Mr. Lang calls on me. His legs are crossed with a notebook on his lap.
My legs stick to the metal chair. I shift my body and my tug my shorts legs down under me. “Well, I usually get my basketball and shoot hoops for a while.”
Mr. Lang nods his approval. “It's okay to let yourself feel the pain while you are shooting baskets. If you try to push it away, it will only come back stronger.”
My eyes focus on my fingers as I twist a pink string unraveling at the bottom of my tank top. I nod so that he knows I heard him.
“Jamie, would you like to share something? I believe last week you told us your way to cope was writing.” Mr. Lang shifts his attention to Jamie, who unfolds a paper.
“Yes, I brought something I wrote to share.” She clears her throat. “'We were created from the same spark of light, forever connected as one soul. A connection so strong, I knew the second your light on Earth went out. I knew because part of my soul grew dark. Someday, our souls will meet again to ignite the spark. Only then will my soul feel whole again.'”
Silence blankets the room. A boy with blond, spikey bangs hangs his head. I think I see him wipe his eyes. I'm not sure because my vision is blurred by the pools of water formed in my eyes. I swallow hard. I've never heard words that can carry so much weight yet are amazingly beautiful at the same time. That's not all. Jamie's words carry a truth that I've been trying to figure out. I have to talk to her.