Big Guy (7 page)

A few minutes later I've found a web page for the local health authority. Residential programs, housing, assisted living. Program manager.

Francine's boss.

When I sneak up to see Aaliyah after my next shift, I tell her I've made a complaint about Francine. I don't know what reaction I expected, but it wasn't this.

“What the hell did you think you were doing?” she snaps, spitting the words out like they taste bad.

I step back, startled. “I just...I don't know. I just thought it wasn't right, the way she treats you.”

Aaliyah's eyes are narrowed. “How she treats me is my business, not yours.”

“It's my business too. Francine accused me of, you know, being involved with you.”

She spins her chair around to look out the window. Her back is stiff, shoulders drawn up tightly, sharp prickles all over.

“Don't lie to me, Derek. That's not why you did it.”

“Sure it is.” I'm feeling a bit lost here. “I didn't mean to upset you.” A little late, a thought occurs to me. “Will it...are you worried that it'll make things worse for you?”

She shakes her head. “No. Well, it couldn't really.”

“Then why are you so mad about it?”

She spins back toward me. “Damn it, Derek. You were the one person here who at least treated me like an adult. Don't you think if I wanted to complain, I'd do it myself?”

“You didn't do it,” I say, stung. “You were too busy pretending not to care.”

“So? That's my choice. You don't have
to agree, but you have to let me make my own choices.”

I stare at her. I can't think of anything to say. The thing is, she's right. I was feeling sorry for her. That's why I did it. Not because of what Francine accused me of. Not because I wanted to clear my name. But because I was feeling sorry for her.

“I'm sorry,” I say at last. “I really am. I just...I just wanted to make one thing right. Just wanted to fix this one thing.” My voice cracks a little and I shut up, swallow hard, dig my nails into my palms.

She finally sighs. “Try fixing your own life, not mine.” The words are tough, but her voice is suddenly softer and I know she's not really mad anymore.

Or maybe she still is, a little, but she's willing to give me a break this time.

Aaliyah meets my eyes and smiles, her face relaxing. “I called him.”

“Who?” But I know who she means as soon as the word is out of my mouth. “Your fiancé? You did? What happened?”

She looks a little embarrassed, almost
a little shy. “We're having dinner together tonight.”

“You are?”

“Yeah.” She laughs. “And I'm really nervous. I think...well, I think pretending not to care might have been easier.”

“Yeah.” I push Ethan out of my mind.

“Derek? He wants me to move in with him.” Her eyes are wide. Scared? I can't tell.

“Wow.” I'm happy for her, but I feel lonely all of a sudden. “I'll miss you, if you go.”

“Well, I haven't decided anything yet. We'll talk about it over dinner.” She gives me a crooked grin. “He's taking me to Shallot's.”

Shallot's is probably the most expensive restaurant in town. Needless to say, I haven't been there. “Wow. That's pretty special.”

“Yeah.”

Something occurs to me. “Hey, Aaliyah? I'm not supposed to be here, really, but...well, my shift's over and, this dinner's a big deal.” I look at her, not sure how she'll take this. “Can I help you get ready?”

Aaliyah hesitates. “Paula's coming.”

I shrug. Pretending not to care.

She meets my eyes. “Screw Paula,” she says. “Yeah. I'd love it if you'd help me get ready.” She wheels her chair toward the bedroom, stops, turns and talks to me over her shoulder. “If Francine finds out, you'll be out on your ass.”

I nod. “I think I'm pretty much done with this place anyway.”

She raises one eyebrow.

“I was thinking, you know, about going back to school. Finishing grade twelve.” I look down at my hands, missing the feel of the keyboard, missing the long late hours talking online. “Ethan was always bugging me to go back,” I say. My voice seems to come from a long way away.

Aaliyah picks out the same soft brown shirt I helped her into the first time we met, with a straight denim skirt and brown nylons. Clumsy as always, I manage to snag one of her nylons and put a run in it. I expect her to snap at me, but she just laughs and tells me there's another pair in her drawer. I blow-dry and brush her hair so that it's straight and
shining, help her put on blush and a touch of lipstick.

Of course, I don't know what I'm doing. But when we're done, she looks gorgeous.

She looks in the mirror. “Wow. You're good at this.”

I shake my head. “Nah. It's just not that hard to make you look fabulous.”

“So.” She catches her lip between her teeth.

“So.” I know it's none of my business but I ask anyway. “Do you think you'll say yes? You know, move in with him?”

Her eyes meet mine in the mirror. “I think I might.”

I feel like giving her a hug, but she's not the huggy type. I touch her shoulder lightly, just for a second. “You're brave, Aaliyah.”

She nods. “What about you? What are you going to do about that boyfriend of yours?”

I feel a weight settle inside me. “It might be too late,” I say slowly. “It might be too late to change my mind.”

She nods. “Mmm. And it might not.”

Back at Gabi's, I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror. I splash cold water on my face, shave carefully, brush my teeth. I comb my hair and wish I'd had it cut more recently.

There is a soft knock on the door. “You're taking forever,” Gabi hisses impatiently. “Come on.”

I give my reflection one last look.
Okay
, I tell myself.
This is it. This is me. This is as good as it gets
. Then I follow Gabi down the hallway to her bedroom.

“Stand by the door,” Gabi says.

I lean against the wall and try to look relaxed while Gabi adjusts the settings on her digital camera.

“Maybe I should check my e-mail first,” I say. “What if he got my e-mail and hates me? What if there's a message from him saying he never wants to hear from me again?”

Gabi shrugs. “What if there is? Would you just leave it at that?”

I shake my head slowly. “I'd still owe him the truth.”

“Well then.” She lines up the camera. “Smile.”

I do my best to stretch my mouth in an imitation of a smile and she clicks. The flash makes me blink.

Gabi looks at the picture. “Well, it's not your best picture ever.”

I look at it anxiously. My eyes are half closed and the flash makes me look like a ghost.

“Maybe we should wait until the morning,” Gabi says. “Flash pictures always look bad.”

“Just take another,” I say. “I'm not waiting until morning.”

Gabi grins at me and lifts the camera again. “Okay. Try not to look like you're in front of a firing squad.”

I lean back against the wall again. Tomorrow I'll quit the job. Then I'll go to visit Aaliyah, I think. Just as a friend, to find out how her dinner went. And I have to tell her about this. For some reason, the thought makes me smile.

The flash goes off.

“Got it!” Gabi says. She is studying the picture. “This looks more like you, Derek. See?”

I look at my own face in miniature on the tiny screen. “It'll do.”

Gabi sits down at her computer, plugs in her camera and downloads the picture.

“Okay,” she says, getting up again. “All set.” She pats the chair, inviting me to sit down.

I sit.

“You nervous?”

“A bit. About saying it right, you know?
Explaining it all so that he might understand why I did it.”

“Not about how he's going to respond?”

I think about it. “I can't do anything about that part.”

“Yeah.” She puts her hand on my shoulder. “But he'd better not be a jerk about it. That'd really piss me off.”

I turn my head and look at her. “I'll be okay, you know. Really. Whatever happens.” And it's funny, but as soon as I say it, I know it's true.

“Yeah. You will.” She nods, her expression both surprised and thoughtful.

I turn back to the computer and rest my hands on the keyboard.

Gabi is still standing behind me, watching over my shoulder.

“Umm, Gabi?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think I could...you know, get a little privacy?”

She puts her hands on my shoulders and squeezes. “Sorry. Of course you can. I'll crash on the couch in the den.” She grins. “So you can take all the time you need.”

After she's gone, I sit for a while just watching the screen saver, a goofy one with Santa's reindeer flying around the screen. I haven't checked my e-mail since I sent Ethan that awful note saying I wanted to end it. Not so long ago, I guess, but it feels like forever.

My heart is beating so fast.

Finally I punch in my password, and there in my inbox is a message from Ethan.

Subject: Not without a fight
.

I open his message and read it

derek. i know u said u didn't want to
continue this but i can't accept that
not without some explanation. not
without a fight.
everything was great until i said i
was coming out to Ontario. so tell me
what's wrong. please.
u know what i think? i think ur scared
about meeting in person. u think i'm
not? it scares the hell out of me.
i'm scared u won't like me as much
in person, i'm scared i won't know
what to say, i'm scared i won't turn u
on. i'm scared u will think i'm a lousy
kisser. seriously. i've actually worried
about that.
but now i'm just scared i'll never get
a chance to find out.

I read it again and again and again. I take a deep breath.

Then I start typing.

Robin Stevenson
grew up in England and Ontario, and now lives in Victoria, British Columbia. She is the author of several novels for teens, including
Out of Order
,
Dead in the Water
and
Impossible Things
. More information about Robin is available on her website:
www.robinstevenson.com
.

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