Authors: Sawyer Belle
Chapter 20
Brent sat at the kitchen table and rubbed his tired eyes
with dirty fingertips. He had slept a total of six hours in the last two days.
It was calving season and they’d already lost four calves and two of the
mothers. This was the time of year that was the busiest and most taxing. He was
in need of a good, hot shower and a full night of perfect sleep, but he would
get neither for a while yet. He was home to cook for his mom and snag an hour
of sleep and then it was back to the ranch.
He leaned back in the chair and reached behind him to remove
his wallet from his back pocket. As he counted out the money he’d need to fill
his tank up, a folded piece of thick paper fell out of it. He picked it up,
knowing what it was, and unfolded it. Mackenna’s image smiled sweetly at him
and a familiar ache thrummed in his chest.
It had been three weeks since he’d seen her and they’d had
no communication since. True, he’d been busier than normal, but he knew that
was not the reason that he’d stopped contacting her. He needed distance from
her, emotional as well as physical. The attachment was too strong already.
Plus, he wasn’t sure if she wanted him to contact her. She hadn’t reached out
to him either. Maybe she wanted the distance as well.
As he studied the photograph, his weariness wore down his
will and he gave in to the need to reconnect. He opened up the laptop and
signed onto the Internet. She was not online so he opened up a new email. As he
watched the cursor blinking at him with a background of blinding white, no
words came to him and his fingers rested on the keys.
What did he want to tell her?
Nothing of
any consequence.
He really just wanted to talk to her, to tell her about
his day and ask her about hers. He wanted to perk up the way he did when he saw
her name pop up on the instant messenger. He wanted her to tease him and make
him laugh. He wanted to encourage her and support her after a rough day.
Even as he thought those thoughts, his fingers never
translated them to the screen and before he could begin again, his mother
called to him from down the hall. Brent chewed his bottom lip, still focusing
on the unwritten email. Alora called again.
“Hang on, Ma!” he called back.
“
Brent!
” this time
with more force and panic in her voice and his head snapped up. He shut the
computer and took off at a run down the hall.
Mackenna signed onto the Internet and inhaled happily to see
Brent’s name on the instant messenger, but before she could double-click on it
to open the chat box, he signed off and her mouth fell with her heart. Her
momentary jolt of happiness crumbled. He hadn’t wanted to talk to her. It was
the first time she’d seen him on the Internet in the three weeks since he left
and the fact that he would sign off just after she signed on cut her deeply.
It was obvious that his feelings for her had not been deeper
than friendship, but that he didn’t even want to be her friend any more broke
her heart into even tinier pieces. What had she done to push him so far away? More
importantly, how could she get him back? Contact between her and Kelly had
quieted to almost non-existent. He was her only friend now. She was content to
love him on her own as long as she could keep his friendship, but losing him
altogether was a blow she didn’t think she could overcome.
“An atrial flutter?”
Brent asked
his mom.
“Yes,” she answered from her hospital bed. “My heart is
fine. It can be easily controlled with medicine.” She patted her worried and
careworn son on the hand. Then, she moaned with dread. “Another set of pills to
take. I swear with all of the pills I gotta pop, you’d think at least one of
them would get me high!”
“Mom!” he said incredulously, allowing himself to smile for
the first time since they’d arrived at the hospital.
“What?!” she defended. “I’m just saying if they’re gonna
give me drugs, they might as well give me the good ones. That’s all.”
Brent shook his head good-humoredly at his mother. When her
smile relaxed, he squeezed her hand in seriousness.
“Are you sure you’re all right?” he asked.
“Yes,” she reassured. After a long moment she carried on.
“But you’re not. So, when are you going to tell me what’s eating you up?”
He thought about protesting but she pinned him with one of
those mother-knows-all stares and he knew it was futile.
“It’s Mackenna,” he said with a weary sigh. “We’re not
exactly speaking right now.”
“Why not?” she prodded.
“You said
your visit was great.”
“It was,” he began then made a grimace. He wasn’t sure that
he wanted to let his mother in on
all
of the details.
“Until I did something stupid.”
“What did you do?” her voice carried the edge of authority.
“I kissed her.”
Alora stared long and hard at her son with a stern visage
until she could not contain her excitement anymore and she burst out laughing.
She clapped her hands gleefully and then reached them up to the sky, as if
appealing to the Lord above.
“Hallelujah! Praise God!” she exclaimed as Brent looked on
in shock. “I was beginning to think you’d never wise up and do that!”
“Uh, mom,” Brent interrupted. “Did I mention that we’re not
speaking right now?”
“Well, go on then and tell me what you did to mess it up
because Mackenna would welcome a kiss from you, believe me!”
“You’re wrong,” he said and Alora’s features drew down
suspiciously.
“I don’t think so,” she said. “That girl is as smitten as
I’ve ever seen.”
“I’m telling you, Mom, you’re wrong.” Brent was starting to
get angry. “She locked herself in the bathroom and cried and then refused to
speak of it, even when I tried to apologize. She wouldn’t even look me in the
eye. It’s been three weeks and I haven’t heard from her. We used to talk every
night.”
Alora’s brow was firmly wrinkled now as she pursed her lips
in thought.
“Now, that doesn’t make any sense at all,” she mused.
“It does if you just accept that you’re wrong about her
having feelings for me,” he countered.
She sighed and shook her head woefully. “I was so sure.”
“Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you.”
She gazed lovingly at her boy. “I’m sorry you’re hurt, son.”
“Hurt?” he stammered. “I’m not hurt.”
“Sure you are. You obviously wanted her to return your
feelings.”
“My feelings?” he snorted.
“Oh, come on now,” she leveled. “If you don’t have feelings
for her then why did you kiss her?”
Brent stood up and began pacing, if only to avoid his
mother’s searching eyes. “Because she’s beautiful, and she was there, and I was
there, and it felt right at the time.” He
huffed
a hot
breath. “But it sure didn’t feel right a moment later. And now I think I’ve
screwed up the friendship.”
“I don’t believe for one second that your kiss was a
spontaneous impulse,” she said firmly. “You care for her.”
“Of course I care for her,” he snapped. “She’s one of the
best people I know, and she’s become a close friend.”
“Do you love her, Brent?” she asked, not sure of the answer.
He paused and searched his soul for the truth and gave the answer as he
believed it.
“No.” After a long moment he added, “But I could.” Saying it
out loud made it more of a reality and it rattled him into pacing yet again and
spouting from the mouth. “But the whole thing is just pointless. Her life is
there. Mine is here. She doesn’t want to be here. I don’t want to be there. So,
why kiss her? What’s the goddamned point of having feelings?”
After he settled down, he realized that he had taken the
Lord’s name in vain in front of his mother and he swiftly apologized. Alora
watched as he struggled to comprehend his own thoughts and emotions and she
stared angrily at her dead legs. She knew Brent only stayed for her and she
hated herself for that. He needed Mackenna in his life. Since they’d struck up their
friendship, Brent had changed. He had grown happier and more relaxed. He
stopped taking life so seriously. Feelings or no, that girl was good for him.
“Brent,” she said. “It sounds to me like you need to reach
out to her.”
“But what if she doesn’t want me to?”
“Then, she’ll tell you. Mackenna has never had a problem
telling you what was on her mind before, has she?”
He shook his head and smiled at the many memories that
filled his head in response to that question.
“If you want her in your life,” Alora continued, “then don’t
wait and make her come to you. That’s the girl’s job.” She finished with a soft
grin.
He nodded, grateful for the calm and sensible words of his
mother.
“I will,” he said. “As soon as I get some free time, I
will.”
Chapter 21
Free time came a week later. He was home. Alora was asleep
and he was determined to sit in front of the computer until Mackenna signed
onto the Internet. He would wait all night if he had to. He thought about
emailing, but it was too impersonal. He thought about calling but it was too
personal. No, the instant messenger was where it began and it was the way he
wanted to reconnect.
Just as he started to drift off to sleep the jingle he’d
been waiting for startled him awake. She had signed on, and his fingers moved
with lightning speed over the keys as he typed out a greeting. He hit the send
button and waited anxiously for her reply. To his relief it was instantaneous.
Mackenna had been shocked to see him online after a month
without contact. When his message popped onto her screen she nearly fell out of
her chair. She scrambled to reply, wanting to make sure that they connected
before he could sign off. When the back-and-forths continued for a few volleys,
she began to relax out of her worry.
Brent:
Sorry I’ve been
so quiet. We’ve been calving out here and that takes up a ton of time.
Mackenna
: No problem!
I know how busy you are. I’ve been pretty busy myself. My first year is about
wrapped up. I’ve already got some summer courses lined up.
Brent:
No slowing you
down at all.
Mackenna:
You think I
want to eat Ramen forever?
Brent:
I hope not.
Mackenna
: How’s your
Mom?
Ty and the rest of the McCraes?
I haven’t heard
from Kelly or Leslie in a while so I have no idea how things are up there.
Brent:
Ty’s good. He and
Leslie are getting pretty close. Don’t be surprised to hear wedding bells soon
for them. The rest of the McCraes are doing good. You know them: all hale and
hearty. Mom’s…okay. She had a bit of a scare with her heart recently but they
got it under control with meds.
Mackenna:
Oh
my gosh
! So sorry to hear about Alora! Please tell her I’m
thinking of her and she’s in my prayers.
Brent:
Thanks!
Will do.
Mackenna:
How are you
doing with it?
Brent:
I’m fine. As
long as mom is okay, I’m okay.
Mackenna:
Good.
SO…Ty and Leslie tying the
knot, huh?
Brent:
Think so.
Mackenna:
That’s
great!
Brent:
Yep. So,
Mackenna…
Mackenna:
So, Brent…
Brent:
I know you
didn’t want to talk about it, but I feel really bad about that kiss. I don’t
want it to mess up our friendship.
There was a pause as Mackenna read the line over and over
again.
That kiss
…as if that’s all
there was. She wanted to scream at the computer that it was a hell of a lot
more than a kiss. How should she respond? She knew that she was standing on the
precipice of a crucial moment. He obviously wished that it had never happened
and was looking for reassurance that she felt the same.
But she didn’t. She didn’t regret that kiss one bit. She
regretted her words and the effects they had on Brent. If she had to do it over
again, she would have kept her mouth shut and figured it out for herself. She
couldn’t redo it, though, and Brent was making it clear that it would never
happen again. So, she said the thing that she believed would save their
friendship.
Mackenna:
Don’t worry
about it Brent. We were both just swept up in the moment. I know it
didn’t
mean anything
.
As soon as she sent the message she cringed at the lie.
Brent read the words and reeled like he’d been slapped in the face. So, it had
meant nothing to her? She had merely been reacting? He felt the tumult inside
of relief battling disappointment to learn that she cared for him only as a
friend. At least he now knew where she stood and he could think and act
appropriately.
Brent:
Great.
I’m glad we’re both on the same page
.
Just like that, the past month had been erased and their
former routine returned. As the months flew by, Brent felt the intense memories
of their kisses fade until they were nearly impotent. In fact, he found their
friendship so solid that the idea of struggling over romantic feelings for her
seemed laughable. She was his pal and nothing more. The idea of ever touching
her in such a way seemed foreign to him, and being able to let all of that go
was extremely liberating.
When she had called him on his birthday in early November,
what started out as a simple salutation turned into a two-hour conversation and
from then on their computers were abandoned in favor of the cell phone. An
unexpected benefit that Mackenna found from the switch was that it allowed her
opportunities to speak with Alora from time to time and her friendship with the
woman grew as well.
Christmas came and brought with it a package to Mackenna
from Brent and Alora. As she ripped open the wrapping, she laughed out loud to
find the interior filled with Oriental-flavored Ramen noodles. Brent had
scribbled a note that read:
Thought you could
switch it up and go with a different flavor. Don’t worry – your real present
should arrive shortly.
Love,
Brent and Alora
A second package did come and it contained a hand-knitted
scarf and beanie from Alora and a smaller box from Brent. Mackenna opened it to
find a silver chain with a tiny sapphire pendant. She gasped as she dangled it
in front of her face, finding it the most beautiful piece of jewelry she’d ever
owned. She put it on immediately and read the accompanied note.
I saw this and thought
of your eyes. Did you know that Montana is the only state that mines sapphires?
Merry Christmas!
Love,
Brent
She held the note up to her heart and breathed a contented
breath.
“I do love you, Brent,” she said to herself.
When Brent finally called her that night, he thanked her for
the gifts she’d sent him and his mom. His box had contained a deck of cards
along with an instruction booklet on how to play black jack, a hard hat and a
bottle of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc that she’d had her mother buy. Her note
thanked him again for a wonderful birthday.
By the time the new semester started for Mackenna in
January, she was only a year and another summer away from her bachelor’s degree.
She had already decided where her post-graduation studies would lead: Montana.
She knew that Brent could never leave Alora, and she would never want him to.
They had grown so close that she truly believed in her heart that if they were just
near each other, in the same city, that they would spark like wildfire.
Though they had never spoken of that morning in her
apartment again, they had flirted often enough and spoken freely enough of sex,
in general, that she suspected he was harboring similar feelings toward her.
Her heart warned her to hold back, to abandon hope in that regard, but it was
wholly against her nature. She hoped with wild abandon that he loved her as she
did him. She believed that he could if he didn’t already. She just needed to
get to Montana.
Having built up such a foolproof plan and such a promising future
backfired devastatingly on Mackenna when she picked up the phone that night to
an excited Brent on the other line spouting words she never dreamed she’d hear.
“I’ve met someone.”