Authors: Michelle Love
MERCY
All eyes are on me as I walk into the little waiting room. They’re all here. Zeek, Ram, Rose, Loretta, and Jim. And it’s Zeek that asks first, “What the hell happened, Mercy?”
I keep standing. I don’t deserve to get to sit down. “I overheard you guys talking out by the pool. I heard it all. The part where Jude said he had hunted me down. Where he said he got to know the kids and get them to like him to get to me. The part where I was his trophy.”
Ram shakes his head. “Okay, but why did you run off? I mean, that stuff isn’t that bad.”
“To me it was. At the time, it was that bad. Now, of course, it seems harmless. I can’t explain to any of you the guilt I feel over this,” I say then put my face in my hands as I can’t hold the tears back any longer.
I feel an arm go around me and pull me close. A wide chest is there and I lean against it as I cry. I can’t stop the sobs from coming. Then I feel more hands on me and I hear his mother’s voice say, “Mercy, you can’t blame yourself. The doctor told us he had a pretty high blood alcohol level. If he’d been sober, he wouldn’t have gone after you like that.”
I shake my head as I know that’s no excuse. “No, this is my fault. I accept the blame. Don’t blame him. If I would’ve stopped when I saw him going to his car, then this wouldn’t have happened. I was childish and now he’s hurt.”
“He’d drink some ten or so beers, Mercy. He knew he’d had too many to drive. He shouldn’t have done that,” Ram says.
I look up and wipe my eyes and can’t believe his family is rallying around me like this. After what I’ve done, they’re finding it in their hearts to look past it. I can’t believe it. And I don’t deserve it.
Jim takes my hand and pulls me out of the family huddle and takes me to sit in a chair. “Let me fill you in on what’s happening with him right now, honey.”
I sit down and he hands me a box of tissue. Taking one, I blow my nose then say, “Okay. Tell me why he’s in surgery.”
“It’s his legs. They were pinned and his pelvis seems to be crushed,” his father says.
I feel another wave of shock flow through me. His pelvis is crushed! “No,” I mumble. “No way.”
His mother sits on the other side of me and takes my hand. “Things could be so much worse. I’m thankful to have him alive. He may not walk again but he’ll be with us. He’s going to need you, honey.”
I nod. “I’ll be there. I’ll never leave him. Unless he sends me away for doing this to him.”
Zeek makes a huffing sound then says, “Don’t let him.”
I nod. “Did they give an idea of how long the surgery will take?” I ask.
His mother shakes her head. “There’s just no way to know that.”
I nod and get up. “I have to call the babysitter and let her know.”
Leaving the room, I make my way to the bathroom because I have to fall apart. I can’t let them see me when I let it all go. I turn into a puddle of a human being and no one should witness that.
I find a small bathroom that I can lock myself into alone without fear of anyone coming in and finding me. Then I call Becky. “How is he?” she answers.
“Well, he has a crushed pelvis and he’s in surgery. His family doesn’t think there is anything life threatening but they have no idea how long the surgery will take. I’m worried because they said he’d had a lot of beer and the bleeding that comes along with alcohol in the system gives me cause for concern. But I’ll keep you informed. How are the kids doing?”
“They’re playing quietly. They’re acting a little off but I’m sure that’s very normal with all that’s going on. I’ll be here. Don’t worry about a thing. How is his family treating you?” she asks.
“Great. They keep telling me it’s not my fault. It is, but they keep saying it’s not. They’re blaming the beer for his decision to chase after me.” I look in the mirror and see the dark circles underneath my eyes from my crying and know I’m about to look like a zombie after I fall apart. That’s how I looked for at least a week after my family was killed.
“That’s good. Mercy, this isn’t your fault. I know you think it was but it’s not. If he’d have been sober.”
I cut her off because I can’t stand that everyone keeps saying that. “I know. Hey, I’ve got to go. I want to get back to the waiting room just in case anyone shows up with a report on his surgery. I’ll call you later, Becky. Thanks again for all your help. Let the staff know what’s going on. They all love him.”
“I will. Call me as soon as you know anything and don’t worry about the kids. I’ll take good care of them for you.”
With the call over. I place the phone in my purse and lean my body against the wall then slowly move down it until I’m sitting on my ass on the floor. This is not an ideal place to have a breakdown but my choices are severely limited.
The emotion rises inside of me then bursts out like a volcanic eruption. I let it all out. The fear, the anxiety, the worry. I let it rise to the surface and feel every horrible little pain in every emotion that’s coming up inside of me.
Just like my therapist said to do.
Don’t hold it in. Let it out.
Giving myself permission to be weak for this moment, I wail with sorrow for what I’ve done. I vow to spend every second of my life, making it up to him. I vow to always be there for him and I pray for him.
Pray he makes it out of the operating room. Pray he makes a complete recovery. And Pray he can forgive me for what I’ve done.
I cry and cry until no more tears flow. Until the sobs settle in my chest and my brain is a void of spent emotions.
I can cope for now. I’ve spewed out everything and can cope for a little while.
A knock comes at the door and I hear a woman say, “Mercy, are you in there?”
“Yes,” I say as I struggle to get up off the floor. “I’ll be out in a minute.”
“Okay, darling. You’ve been in here for over an hour. We’re worried about you,” Jude’s mother says.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you guys worry. I’m going to wash my face then I’ll be there.”
Looking in the mirror I see that same woman I saw in it a little over two years ago when my life changed, drastically. She’s still there, just underneath the surface. I knew she had never left. I knew she was there, waiting for the next tragedy to happen.
Expecting it to happen.
JUDE
The sound of beeps and air flowing wakes me up. I try to open my eyes but they feel too heavy. I hear a man say, “He should be coming around soon.”
Another man says, “I don’t want him told until he has his family around him. Make sure of that please, Marcie.”
A woman says, “Yes, sir. I’ll make sure of that.”
I wonder what I need to be told and where the hell I am. It’s really cold. I can feel that.
I try to wiggle my fingers and don’t think I’m doing that. I smell something like rubbing alcohol and I’m reminded of a doctor’s office. But why would I be in one and why would I be unable to move?”
A snapping sound comes from right next to my head then I hear the man who spoke last say, “Poor man. Right at his prime. Such a shame. When will people learn not to drive under the influence of alcohol?”
I did that?
I don’t remember doing that. I don’t think that’s a thing I’d even do. If I’m drinking, I always hire a driver. So why was I drinking and driving?
And why did he call me a poor man?
The lady’s voice asks, “Before you go, doc, have you ever seen a case like his where the patient made a full recovery?”
“It can happen. I know that. I haven’t seen one myself but anything is possible, Marcie.”
“It would be a damn shame if he doesn’t recover. They said he doesn’t have any children yet,” she says.
“What a shame,” the guy near my head says.
Another woman in the room says, “Maybe, but maybe he never wanted kids. You never know.”
I want kids!
What the fuck happened to me?
MERCY
After several hours waiting and praying we all look up as a man in green scrubs comes into the waiting room. “The Hursts?” he asks.
Jim gets up and says, “That’s us. How’s Jude?”
“Um, he’s coming out of the anesthesia. His vitals are good for his condition. It’s going to be a while before he leaves the hospital, though. And when he leaves here, he’ll need to go to rehab for a while before he can go home. It’ll probably take near to a year.”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing.
A year before Jude can come home!
Jim puts his hand on Loretta’s shoulder as he asks, “Will he be able to walk again, doc?”
“I hate to say yes or no. I hate to give false hope but I have to tell you that anything can happen. He’s in fantastic shape. He seems like he must have a determined spirit.”
“You have no idea,” I whisper.
The doctor looks at me and asks, “Are you his girlfriend or something?”
I nod. “I am.”
“Oh, well.” He stops and looks down at the floor and moves his foot over it in a nervous-like way. “I probably am not in the right by saying this but I’m going to say it anyway. He most likely will never be able to have children. There was extensive damage to some of his reproductive organs.”
Several gasps come from around me and one may have escaped myself. “Oh.”
He nods. “So try not to bring anything like kids up with him right now. He’s most likely not going to take the news he can’t walk real well. At his age, most don’t. Adding in the inability to reproduce too might cause him to go into a depression which hinders progress as one can imagine.”
“Okay,” I say and smile. “The most important thing is we still have him.”
He nods. “That you do. His injuries are not life-threatening. So there are multiple blessings and that would be best to point out as this news is given to him. I’ve instructed his charge nurse that his family is to be around him when he’s informed of his condition. I’m about to go into another surgery so my fellow surgeon will be coming into his room after he’s finished in the recovery room.”
“We’ll be brought in then, right?” his mother asks.
The doctor nods. “Yes, before he’s told anything, you will be allowed in. And just remember to keep good spirits. Upbeat attitudes help. But if he needs to cry, let him. Okay, Dad,” he says as he looks at Jim. “I know cowboys don’t cry but when they lose the use of their legs and their private parts, most do.”
I find the words coming out of my mouth before I know what I’m doing, “He can’t have sex at all? Even when the wounds have healed?”
The doctor smiles an embarrassed smile. “We won’t know until that time comes. Sorry, I wish I could tell you more but time will let us know more about what he’ll be able to do.”
Rose asks me, “Mercy, even if he can’t ever have sex again, you’ll stay with him, right?” She looks worried and it makes me feel terrible.
“Of course, I will. I love him,” I say as I look her in the eyes then move them to look at his mother. “Don’t even worry about that.”
Loretta gives me a nod and then Ram says, “He’s going to fucking hate that. Probably worse than not being able to walk. Shit!”
The doctor says, “But you don’t need to act like that’s a big deal. Remember to remind him that he’s alive and well loved by you all. Don’t commiserate with him. That’s never a good thing to do. Let him know there is more to life than those things.”
Ram looks away and puts his hands in his pockets as he bites his lower lip. “Yeah, you’re right.”
“Well, I’ll leave you all to talk. Someone will come get you when he’s put into a room. Goodbye,” he says then leaves us to look at one another.
My cheeks are hot with a flush as I think about the talk of him not being able to have sex. He’d really hate that his whole family was just talking about that. I think he’s going to hate so much about his new condition. I think he’s going to hate me.
Zeek goes to the vending machine in the little waiting room and gets himself a coke and takes a long drink. Then his eyes land on me. I know what he’s thinking. He’s thinking the same thing I am. He’s thinking that Jude is going to hate me.
Then Ram just blurts it out, “Jude may not want Mercy around when he finds this out.”
“Hush!” Loretta says, sharply. “You just hush up. What’s wrong with you. Your brother loves this woman. He’s not going to blame her. You’ll see.” Her eyes cut to me. “Don’t you worry. He’ll deal with this just fine. He’s a fighter. If he wants something bad enough, he makes sure he gets it. Don’t you worry at all.”
The sound of the aluminum can as it’s thrown into the trash can has us all looking at Zeke. His eyes are narrowed at me as he says, “You better not leave my brother, Mercy. After all this, you better not leave him.”
JUDE
I can feel my body being moved and the hardness that was under my back is replaced by a softer cushion. A mattress, I guess. It’s pretty evident that I’m in the hospital and have undergone surgery.
I feel like crap, sluggish, and kind of nauseous but not completely awful. I try to move my fingers again as I’m rolled away to somewhere. I still can’t open my eyes but I can tell my fingers are moving as I can feel the sheet moving around them.
The sounds come and go as I listen to the constant sound of the squeaking wheels as they roll along the floor. Then I feel the hesitation of a door being pushed open by my bed and the woman who’s walking next to my bed, says, “This is Jude. I have to pee like a racehorse, the surgery went so long. Page me when he wakes up, will you, Bonnie?”
“Okay, what happened to him?” the other woman asks.
“Car wreck. One of those eighteen wheelers hit him as he pulled out in front of it. And he’d been drinking so here’s another story to tell those teenagers of yours about when you get home tonight.” I hear the door close and feel warm breath on my face.
A hand moves over my cheek then I feel a little pain as something’s pulled away from my skin. “Let’s get this out of you so you can be more comfortable, Jude. I feel something slipping up my throat and then it’s gone.
A cool cloth is run over my forehead and the lady starts humming. She runs the cool cloth over my face and then along my arms and the back of my hands. “Time to wake up, Jude.”
I try to open my eyes and find I’m in a dim room and an older woman is hovering around me. “Hey,” I say with a whisper.
She looks at me and smiles. “Hi there, handsome. It seems you got yourself in a little accident and landed yourself in the hospital. How are you feeling?”
“Tired,” I say and can’t really understand why my voice sounds so damn scratchy. “Is anyone here for me?”
“I don’t know. I’m just the nurse who makes sure you come all the way out of the anesthesia they used to put you under to do surgery on you. I don’t know anything else,” she says as she looks away to check some lines that seem to be going into me.
“So, you don’t know what happened to me?” I ask as my voice seems to be getting a little stronger.
She shakes her head. “Nope. Are you waking up more?”
“Yeah,” I say.
She presses a button and says, “Recovery, paging Marci Kingston. Marci Kingston, your patient is ready in recovery.” Then she smiles at me. “Your nurse will be here soon to take you to your room.”
“I guess you also don’t know how long I’ll be staying here?” I ask her.
She just smiles and says, “I have no idea. I don’t even know what they did to you.”
The door opens, letting in a bright light and I close my eyes. “Ouch!”
“Good, you can see,” the woman’s voice, I have come to know as Marcie, says.
It opens again and some man comes in and starts pushing my bed out of the room. Marcie walks alongside it again and messes with the lines that are attached to me. “How are you feeling, Mr. Hurst?”
“Fine,” I say. “You can call me Jude.”
“Okay, Jude. We’re taking you to your room and will be bringing in your family. A doctor will be joining us and explaining the surgery you just went through,” she says then we get onto an elevator and she looks down at me as we become stationary. She runs her hand over my forehead and I feel my hair move back. “You don’t look too bad for all you’ve gone through.”
“Not too bad, huh?” I ask with a chuckle but stop because it hurts to laugh.
The elevator doors open and the big guy pushes me out into the hallway where I pass some other poor man on a bed too. Only he’s all propped up and looks like crap.
“Hi,” I say as we go past him.
He just looks at me like I’m stupid. My nurse looks at me with a grin. “Don’t mind him. He’s kind of crabby. He’s been here for a week and wants to go home.”
“Oh, I bet he does. How long am I going to be here?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “I don’t know. The doctor will be a better person to ask that.”
“Okay,” I say then my bed is turned and I find myself in a small hospital room. The curtains on the one window in the room are pulled back and I see it’s night time. “Wow, it was daytime last I recall.”
“What do you recall?” the nurse asks as my bed is placed smack dab in the middle of the room and the bags of fluid are hung up on a new IV stand. The big guy leaves without saying a word and Nurse Marcie is looking at me, waiting for me to tell her what I remember.
“Um, well, I was swimming with my brothers,” I say as I try hard to remember why I was driving.
A scene flashes in my head and I see us laughing as I talk about Mercy being the one for me. Then I see the back of her Suburban as it leaves the house. And that’s it. But I know something was wrong.
“I think my girlfriend was mad at me,” I say. “I have a distinct feeling she was mad and leaving our house.”
“Oh,” the nurse says. “Okay, I’m about to go get your family. They’re all here and I think there’s a young blonde woman with them. Is that the girlfriend?”
“Yeah, that’s Mercy, my girl. So, I guess she’s not mad at me anymore if she’s here.”
“Probably not,” the nurse says. “So, I’ll go get them if you’re ready for them.”
“How do I look?” I ask as I have no idea.
She smiles and pulls a tray to the bed and presses a button on the bed to lift my top half up. When she opens it, I see my reflection in a mirror. I don’t look too bad. I don’t look too great either.
She nods. “There you go. I think you look wonderful, considering what you’ve been through.”
She leaves and I move my hands to lift my body up a little better and notice my legs are very heavy as I pull myself up. There’s no pain but when I go to pull the sheet back I stop as I see my hospital gown is bunched up at my side.
I see a bag of yellow fluid hanging from the bed rail and pull the sheet back.
I’ll let the doctor tell me everything.
I don’t want to see something that might freak me out!
The door opens and a tall man walks in wearing a long white coat. “Hey, son. How’re you feeling?” he asks me as he looks at a clipboard full of papers.
He hasn’t even looked at me yet as his forehead is full of creases. His eyes are trained on the page then he looks at me. He seems to be looking around for someone else. “Is anyone with you, son?”
“Not yet.”
He looks back down at the clipboard then back at me. “We’ll wait.”
How bad could it possibly be that we need to wait?