Authors: Giovanna Fletcher
‘Stephen knows you’re here anyway, so I’ll just tell him where you are. He’ll keep an eye on you and check you’re happy.’
I stop listening as a woman in a thick, white floor-length fur coat struts into the room. She wears it open to show her black knee-high boots, tiny denim hot pants and crop top, exposing her slender tanned legs and skinny midriff. Her blonde hair, straight and silky-looking, cascades down to her waist. I watch as she casts her eye around the room, inspecting the scene around her, demanding her presence be known, which, judging by the fact that most of the room has fallen silent and is looking straight at her, it is. Eventually, a young guy carrying a walkie-talkie runs over to her, asking if he can get her anything.
Billy turns to see what’s caught my attention.
‘Ah … Heidi.’
‘Wow!’ I exclaim, surprised at how stunning she is in the flesh.
‘Hmm …’ Billy grunts with a frown.
‘Is she still being off ?’
‘Yep.’
‘That’s a shame.’
‘It’s her problem,’ he shrugs.
‘OK, everyone,’ booms a male voice, although with so many people around I have no idea who is speaking. ‘Now that everyone is here, can we have all the actors on set, please?’
‘Right, stay here and avoid those cameras. Help yourself to tea and coffee, and if it gets really boring, feel free to chill out in the dressing room if you like,’ offers Billy, before giving me a kiss and running over to Stephen to point out where I’m standing.
It’s a long morning, with long gaps between takes where everyone lounges around on set waiting to be told what to do next. The director Max Rossini chooses to talk to each actor individually, perfecting all the minuscule details that will be picked up by the camera.
I am now, thanks to Stephen, sitting in front of a small monitor, so I can see what’s being filmed, rather than trying to make out what’s going on over people’s shoulders. Despite being nicely tucked in a corner, out of the way, I feel like a spare part. Everyone else, all those hundreds of people flying around the floor, has a purpose and a role to play in the grand scheme of things, even if it’s just holding an actor’s coat during takes, or getting people water in the breaks. However, as a girlfriend, and the only one on set, I seem to have spent the majority of the morning getting in the way, and consequently being shoved around, which is why Stephen has plonked me here with my own monitor. So
now I’m sitting here, watching, whilst drinking gallons of tea and scoffing down biscuits. I’m sure that once I get to know everyone as the days go by I’ll feel less awkward, though. Plus it’s interesting to see Billy at work and, as he kept insisting, it really is far less glamorous than it’s perceived to be.
While Billy is talking to the director, I notice Holly looking at me with a massive grin and waving frantically. I can’t help but laugh as I give her a shy wave back, not wanting to draw attention to myself. It’s such a small gesture from her, but it’s a sweet one and makes me feel included, somehow. Perhaps I’ve completely misjudged her, I think. Maybe she is just nice to everybody, without there being any hidden agenda.
Billy surprises me on set. Even though he’s told me he doesn’t really know any of the cast, they all seem more than friendly with each other, Heidi aside, of course. In the scene he’s obviously playful with the female cast members as his character Stan is a real babe magnet. This leads to them whispering in his ears or whatever, but it baffles me when it continues after the camera stops rolling. I watch as nearly all of the girls, at some point, make their way over to him during the breaks and toy around with his new long hair, touching his bare chest, posing in their revealing outfits and laughing at everything he says, clearly flirting with him. I’m irked when, every now and then, they’ll be cut off during filming and remain in their seductive positions, lingering over Billy longer than necessary.
It irritates me, but that isn’t what surprises me as I
assumed I’d see girls behaving this way around him; what surprises me is seeing him flirt back. Now, obviously, Billy is a friendly guy who oozes charm – that’s what attracted me to him and won me over. It could be that he is just returning their gestures and wanting to build an onscreen rapport, not thinking about how it might appear. I don’t think he would callously behave in that manner in front of me, he’s not that sort of person. But he does seem to enjoy having that physical closeness with other women – like Ruth. I found his relationship with her a tad too familiar for my liking – I’m sure any girl who saw her partner nuzzling up to another girl would. This make-believe acting world is such a weird one to get my head around. What’s real and what’s not?
In his defence, Billy has pointed me out to a few of the girls, blowing kisses in my direction in a sickeningly sweet, yet cute, way – so he isn’t acting like I don’t exist. But what is he like when I’m not around if he’s like this when I am?
I know, I know. I shouldn’t look into everything too much and overanalyse. I can’t afford to get jealous or overprotective now, not when there’s so much to come during filming which I will have to bite my tongue over.
However, as I watch in silence, I start to feel increasingly disheartened.
During the afternoon, when Billy has gone to have his make-up retouched and I’m back in the trailer, I get a
call from Mum, who is extremely excited about her daughter being on the set of a film.
‘So, tell me all about it?’
‘If I’m honest, Mum, there’s nothing to tell.’
‘What?’
‘It’s all moving quite slowly.’
‘There’s got to be something you can tell me. What’s she like?’
‘As gorgeous as I feared.’
‘I bet she’s not a patch on you.’
‘Do you think you’re biased, by any chance?’
‘Never,’ she insists.
‘Billy was right about her, she’s really cold towards everyone. It’s unbelievable how much she changes when the camera is on her, though.’
‘She’s good, then?’
‘Very!’
‘No rude scenes yet?’
‘Not yet. But it’s only the first day. All that is yet to come.’
‘You dreading it?’
‘I’m not looking forward to it, that’s for sure,’ I admit.
‘I don’t know how you can watch it, love. I wouldn’t be able to.’
‘Billy’s asked me to,’ I say, although now I’m doubting if it’s such a good idea to watch after all, especially knowing how much it affected me just seeing him interact with the girls earlier.
‘You’re a stronger woman than me. If I’d had to watch
anyone so much as look at your dad in the wrong way I’d have given them what for.’
‘Mum!’ I squeal, shocked at her fighting talk.
‘Well …’
‘What are you up to tonight?’ I ask.
‘I’m off to the theatre!’
‘Really?’
‘Yes. Colin found some tickets for half price to go see the musical version of
Brief Encounter
.’
‘It’s been turned into a musical?’ I laugh.
‘I think so … or perhaps it was
Breakfast at Tiffany’s
,’ she chuckles.
‘And how’s it going with Colin?’
‘Oh, he’s a good man. Nice to have him around.’
‘Good.’
‘He knows he’ll never replace your dad,’ she says quietly. ‘But likewise I know I’ll never replace his wife.’
‘Would you want to?’
‘Not replace her. No. It’s just lovely to have someone treat me like I’m special again.’
‘You are special.’
‘Thank you, my love … but I think I need to hear that from someone other than you for a change.’
Lying in Billy’s trailer, a week into filming, we’re curled up under the covers, waiting for Billy to be called to set. So far we’ve been sat here for two hours, and are bored stiff. Judith wasn’t joking when she said there was a lot of waiting around, and thanks to Billy being in costume and having to be prepared to go on set at a moment’s
notice, we can’t just disappear off for an hour or so. We, or at least Billy, must remain in the dressing room or close by at all times.
‘So, if you had to date one of the girls here, who would it be?’
I don’t know what makes me ask, and I don’t really want to know the answer, but seeing Billy every day amongst the girls and seeing him act so confidently around them keeps the idea of him wanting to be with women like that at the forefront of my mind. It just keeps niggling away at me, no matter how much I try to calm my own concerns and keep them away from Billy.
‘I wouldn’t want to. I have you,’ he says with a shrug.
‘OK, but what if I was no longer here?’
‘Why aren’t you here?’
‘I don’t know, I just don’t exist.’
‘Well, that would be sad … I’d have to just live a life of solitude.’
‘Come on, honestly, which one?’
‘I don’t want to play this game.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I don’t like any of them like that!’
‘Oh, come on. They’re all super hot, and they all fancy the pants off you!’
‘Sophie!’
‘What?’
‘They don’t.’
‘Oh, of course they do. They’re all over you like a rash any chance they get.’
‘Sophie, you’re being silly,’ he says with a hint of irritation.
‘It’s only a game,’ I say in a mock sulk.
‘Really? Or will it make you wonder if I actually fancy someone and start you getting all paranoid on me? Look, Sophie,’ he says with a sigh. ‘I love you completely. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I need you to just believe that. I know this is all strange for you, but I promise I’m doing all I can to make it as easy as possible for you. OK?’
I nod, feeling stupid for even asking such a ridiculous question. I cuddle into him and close my eyes, pretending to go to sleep. Not wanting to discuss the matter further.
It’s not long before the director schedules the filming of the opening sequence with Billy and Heidi, which is the first of a long list of love scenes to be filmed. My heart plummets when I see it on the call-sheet for the following day, which has been left in Billy’s dressing room at the end the day’s filming.
Noticing me sighing, Billy comes and peers over my shoulder at the page in front of me.
‘Ah …’ he says, rubbing the sides of my arms.
‘Ah, indeed,’ I nod, turning to face him.
‘I know I’ve said that I want you there, but I’m not going to force you to sit and watch it if you’re not comfortable.’
‘Well, it’s not going to be the most wonderful day of my existence, that’s for sure.’
‘Mine neither. I’m pretty nervous about it,’ he says, fiddling with my hands.
‘Why?’
‘Despite what you might think, it’s not something I’m used to.’
I hadn’t even thought what it might be like for Billy to perform love scenes. Thinking about it now, it must be extremely exposing and embarrassing, depending
on the actor, of course. I’d hate to put extra pressure on him by watching.
‘I don’t want me being there to make it harder for you,’ I say.
‘It won’t. I want you there to see there are no secrets being kept from you. That it’s nothing sordid.’
‘I know it’s not,’ I say, letting out another sigh.
‘I don’t know what I’d be like in your position. I think I’d drive myself mad over it.’
‘Well, I think we can safely say that I won’t be rolling around a bed half naked with another guy any time soon, so you can keep hold of your sanity for a little while longer.’
‘Good point,’ he leans down and kisses me, resting his forehead on mine. We stand with our eyes closed and our arms wrapped around each other.
‘I’ll come and watch … I want to support you and be there for you. I’m trying my best not to turn this into some weird thing between us.’
‘I know you are, and I admire you for that,’ he says, taking my hand and kissing the back of it.
‘Knock, knock! It’s time for the old granny to see you naked!’ calls Judith from outside, causing us to break away.
As I walk on to set with Billy the next day, I feel anxious about what I’m about to witness, worried how it will affect me and how I’ll keep a check on my emotions. I want to be OK with this, but, even now, the very thought of it makes my skin crawl as I look at the mock-up
hotel room the set designers have created. It’s dark, shabby and dingy, with orange curtains, brown wallpaper and a heavily patterned carpet. Again, it all looks like it could do with a wash.
I’ve been told scenes like these usually call for a ‘closed set’, where only the crew members needed to shoot the scene are present. From what Billy’s told me, it’s so that the actors don’t feel uncomfortable when doing something so intimate, enabling them to lose their inhibitions and focus on the task at hand. I’m here because Billy’s asked the producers for me to be, which they allowed after speaking to Heidi, who apparently agreed to it without any fuss.
I wonder what it must be like for Heidi, first of all, to do a scene like this, secondly, to do a scene like this with her ex, and thirdly, to do a scene like this with her ex when his current girlfriend is watching. I haven’t said a single word to her; Billy was right when he described her as ‘frosty’. The only people she seems to whip up a smile for, when the cameras aren’t rolling, are the director and the producers – or anyone in a powerful position. To those types she is friendly, warm and giggles like a little girl, but when they aren’t paying her attention she is steely faced as she sits watching everyone else around her like a hawk.
Most people have learnt to let her sit in silence if they’re next to her on set in between takes. However, I’ve watched as Holly has tried, on numerous occasions, to strike up conversations with Heidi only to be completely ignored as though she has said nothing.
Seeing Holly’s happy face fall in a deflated way every time she tries is uncomfortable to watch.
With all her beauty I should be more worried about Heidi, but because of her attitude, which Billy assures me is miles away from the girl he once dated, I’m not as worried as I should be. This mentality wavers slightly, though, when I spot Heidi walking on to set wearing her knee-high boots, a see-through blouse and the tiniest black skirt I’ve ever seen. She looks incredibly sexy, and I instantly feel dowdy in comparison.
‘OK, can we have you on set straight away, please, guys?’ Stephen asks quietly to Billy and Heidi, his tone highlighting the delicate nature they want to tackle the scene with.
‘I love you,’ Billy says with a wink and a squeeze of the hand, before walking over to the set.
I sit in my usual spot, watching the monitor as Max, the director, who has worn the same brown leather jacket, denim shirt, jeans and trainers for the past week, goes over and starts talking to them both. He speaks so softly I can’t hear what he is saying, but spotting Billy with his arms crossed I can tell he feels uncomfortable already.
Suddenly Max breaks away and talks to Stephen, who informs everyone how the morning is going to run.
‘Right, we’re going to take it from Stan throwing Megan on to the bed, fitting the door sequence in later,’ he says. ‘Can we start, Billy, with you chucking Heidi, just so that we can get the cameras where they need to be?’
‘Yep,’ Billy says, walking to the middle of the pretend hotel room.
The morning doesn’t go smoothly. Even though Billy and Heidi are breaking a huge heap of personal boundaries with their touching, writhing and licking (which actually causes my heart to shrivel up painfully like a prune), they aren’t comfortable and appear awkward and clumsy on screen. They’ve now completed the striptease section, and have moved on to the start of the lovemaking, with Billy having to lick his way up Heidi’s naked body before kissing her neck.
It’s been gut-wrenching to watch, and at times I have had to look away, preferring not to watch as the person I love gets his ear nibbled by this vixen woman, who has her pert boobs out on display, or watch him slide his way up her. Surprisingly, I’ve managed to hold it together. So far.
Each time they go for another take, a distressed Max cuts about a minute into the scene, before walking in and talking to Billy and Heidi, trying different tactics to get what he’s after, unhappy with the lack of steam and passion being created. Although he has remained gentle with them so far, I’ve watched him getting increasingly irritated with each failed take.
‘CUT! This isn’t working!’ screams Max, as he walks towards Billy and Heidi, holding his hands in the air in desperation. ‘It needs something more. It needs to be sexier. Guys, come on, you’re not giving it to me. This is setting the tone for what’s to come. Stan is meant to
be a sex god, so play with her, use her, tease her. Manipulate her body like you’re the master of it. Megan is gagging for it. She wants him and she wants him now. She’s got to show him what she’s got, entice him with her body. They’re wild. Wild! You’re both too in your heads, it needs to be all about the physical,’ he says, pounding his fist against his hand to hammer home his point. ‘Just for one take, can we try it so that … I don’t know, could you suck on her nipple or something? Or tweak it? Is that OK with you both? It needs to be more dangerous, on the edge of explosion. I need desire!’
Billy and Heidi look at each other, uncomfortably, making me feel mildly relieved to see they’ve both recognized Max’s request as ridiculous. I know in Billy’s earlier scenes I’ve been highly sensitive to the smallest of glances from one of the girls, but this is bordering on the insane. It’s too much to ask these two people, who are actors, to do. They play characters, yes, but their bodies are their own. In my eyes, and I’m sure millions would agree with me, it would certainly be taking this ludicrous situation a step too far.
Sensing their reluctance, Max keeps going with his encouragement.
‘You both want to get away from
Halo
, don’t you? Away from that squeaky-clean image, opening up the chance for grittier roles. Well, let’s cause an uproar, then. Let’s grab it by the balls and go for it!’
His words hang in the air.
‘It’s fine by me,’ huffs Heidi, as she gets back into her
starting position on the bed, pushing her hair over her shoulders, sticking out her breasts.
I watch as Billy hesitates, looks at the floor and taps his foot on the ground.
He doesn’t turn to look for me.
He nods his head slowly and stands at the end of the bed with his back to me.
‘We can try that,’ I hear him mutter.
Something in me dies.
On the monitor I see sadness in his face, I can see that he doesn’t want to be doing this, however, his frown quickly fades away when somebody shouts, ‘Ready … camera rolling … action’, and he jumps into the role of Stan Bar – fiery and intense.
I look around helplessly as they start to film the shot again, not able to believe that I’m actually about to witness this.
No one notices me.
Everyone is wrapped up in the scene, all busy doing their jobs.
I squirm as I look at the monitor, holding my breath in disbelief. I watch as the camera pans with Billy as he moves up Heidi’s body, his tongue gliding along her shiny legs, over her toned stomach, leading up to her nipple. He stops. For a second I think he’s seen sense – that he’s not going to go through with it. But instead, he looks up at Heidi, her face eager and wanton, begging him. He smiles at her, lets out a deep chortle and flicks her nipple with his tongue playfully, before taking it into his mouth.
A wailing sound causes everybody to stop.
On the monitor, Billy looks up in shock, as confusion and anger flicker across his face. People start looking in my direction, which is when I realize the sound is coming from me. I cover my mouth to stop it, frozen to the spot as everyone glares in my direction.
In shock, I run from the room.
I’m back in Billy’s dressing room by the time he catches up with me. He slams open the door.
‘What was that?’
‘That’s the same question I’ve been asking myself, Billy, “What was that?” ’ I ask, flinging my arm in the direction of the studio. ‘Don’t worry, I’m going – so you can carry on without interruption from your stupid girlfriend,’ I blurt, getting my coat and bag from the sofa.
‘What do you want me to do? I can’t just ignore the director. Do you want me to quit? Is that it?’ Billy shouts. ‘Do you want me to just walk away because you feel uncomfortable?’
‘What?’ I stammer, not understanding how I’m suddenly in the wrong – did he not see what he was doing back there?
‘I have done everything I can to make you feel welcome. I have spent hours talking you through every little detail, making sure you feel included and a part of this whole thing.’
‘I know …’
‘Hours when I should’ve been getting to know everyone so that it’s not awkward when we’re on set together.’
‘I’ve never said you couldn’t spend time with them.’
‘No, you haven’t, but any time I do spend with them you make me feel bad about it. I can feel you seething, bubbling away the minute one of the girls comes over to me.’
‘I don’t do that.’
‘Any girl I chat to, straight away you’re saying they fancy me – making everything awkward because I don’t want you to think I’m egging them on in some way.’
‘I’ve never stopped you talking to anyone …’
‘But you have! Can’t you see that?’
‘Billy! I have had to sit there quietly, with a smile on my face, and watch you kiss other girls as they’ve had their legs wrapped around you, while you talk dirty to them. To be honest, if I have the odd moment of paranoia it’s hardly surprising, is it?’
‘But it’s acting, I’m playing a character. That’s all it is. Why can’t you understand this is work and not the filthy thing that you’ve built up in your head?’
‘How can you not see this the way I do?’ I shriek.
‘I can, but you’re being overly sensitive about it. It’s not about you and me, it’s about the character.’
‘Overly sensitive? Billy, you had another woman’s nipple in your mouth!’
‘And?’
‘And?’ I scream back at him, unable to see how he can’t comprehend where that might be a problem. ‘Your ex-girlfriend’s nipple? Do you really not see what’s wrong with that?’
‘It’s work!’
‘It’s disgusting!’
‘It’s what the director asked for. I didn’t have a choice.’
‘Yes, you did,’ I shout firmly. ‘You could’ve thought how that might affect me and realize that asking someone to do something like that is far from normal, it’s sick, and you’re stupid for going along without questioning it. For just doing it because the director told you to. Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?’
‘But I was acting. That’s what I do.’
‘Then you’re pathetic,’ I spit.
Billy stares at the floor silently, his face red with rage.
‘I won’t come here any more,’ I say quietly, stopping myself from shouting further. ‘I didn’t realize me being here was such a problem or that I was being such a burden.’
‘Sophie …’ he says softly.
‘I’ll see you at home,’ I say, cutting him off and walking out of the door.
I walk past the trailers, past the studio and catering, and off the site. Once outside the gates I look around in desperation, realizing Billy’s not come after me. For some reason I thought he would.
I wander over to a nearby bench and sit down with my head in my hands, taking deep breaths, hoping it’ll help calm me down.
My phone starts vibrating in my pocket. Thinking it might be Billy checking where I am and wanting to put things right, I pull it out. It’s not him, though. It’s Molly calling from home.
I look at her name flashing on the screen and desperately want to answer it, to sob down the phone and
complain about Billy. But something stops me. I’m not ready to talk about anything yet, not when I haven’t been able to make sense of any of it.
Am I to blame for being so paranoid? Have I really been giving the girls daggers every time they go near Billy? If I have, then in doing so I went against Molly’s advice and have made a complete mess.