Bindings and Books (7 page)

With no indication of having noticed “
it
,” James lowered him onto the stool and covered him with a towel. “Lucky I caught you in time. It could have been a nasty fall. I’ll get you some clean clothes, and then, if you feel like it, we can watch some TV.”

James exited the bathroom.

Crouched on the tiny stool, his cock hard and begging for attention, Ash placed his head in his hands and tried to recall his reasonable explanations and conclusions.

Shit!

A
FEW
days later and once again, the room spun alarmingly. Only James’s arm wrapped around him kept him from falling as they shuffled from the bed to the lounge room. Beside the couch, James wrapped both arms around him to lower him to the seat. With his face pressed into James’s neck, he took a deep breath. It probably seemed as if he were bracing himself against the anticipated pain. In reality, it was an excuse to inhale that smell again. That amazing aftershave. It was intoxicating—like a drug
.

With all his deep breathing, James probably believed Ash was in pain. He was more than a little embarrassed by his reaction to James’s aftershave. A man was not supposed to notice another man’s smell, let alone crave it like a drug to get high on. James’s smell, his voice, his eyes, his touch, everything about the man confused and embarrassed him.

He fiddled with the TV remote, while James made coffee. This had become a familiar routine since leaving the hospital. Was it the same as before? It was strange not knowing about his life before the accident. Neither James nor his other friends would give him anything but vague answers to his questions. Most likely, it had something to do with his amnesia and the doctor’s orders, but the lack of information was frustrating.

“Here’s your coffee.” James passed the cup to him.

The bitter, mud-like liquid assaulted his senses. James thought of everything, and no task was too much trouble, but he made
lousy
coffee. It was vile and disgusting, and he didn’t know how much longer he could pretend to like it.

James sat down on the couch, and they soon became engrossed in the movie.

A
BOUT
THIRTY
minutes into the movie, James noticed Ash struggling to stay awake. He watched with amusement as Ash repeatedly dozed then jerked himself into wakefulness. Finally, Ash succumbed to sleep and slipped sideways toward him.

Carefully lowering Ash, he maneuvered until Ash’s head rested in his lap. Placing his right hand on Ash’s warm chest, he gently ran the fingers of his other hand through the silky dark blond hair. Closing his eyes, James savored the moment of physical closeness. He missed touching. He missed the contentment of holding and being held by Ash. He missed Ash.

It was killing him to remain the helpful but impersonal friend. Ash did not seem to have remembered anything about him or their life together. Perhaps it was time to change tactics. Maybe revealing a few more facts would trigger some memories.

After the next round of medical tests, he would think about a new course of action. More tests. His chest constricted. What would they show? Ash’s chest wound was healing well, but his head injury may have resulted in permanent memory loss.

Looking down, he focused on the warm weight against his legs and the softness of Ash’s hair beneath his fingers. Would Ash ever remember? Going into their relationship, he expected it would end at some stage. Ash would move on to someone younger, more exciting. But now, like this? He was not prepared for it to end like this. It would be as if their relationship never existed.

Right. Stop thinking
and enjoy this moment with Ash.

Ash’s body pressed heavily against his legs. Beneath his palm, a heart pulsed steadily. Ash was alive. That’s what mattered.

That, and which facts he should reveal to Ash first.

P
ERHAPS
I
shouldn’t have led with that particular fact!

James fiddled with the napkin and waited.

They had come to a café on the riverbank where Ash had ordered a large triple-shot coffee and consumed it in record time before ordering another. After the arrival of the second coffee, James had revealed the first memory-triggering fact on his mental list.

The silence stretched. Perhaps he had made a slight error in judgment.

An impassive-faced Ash finally broke the awkward silence. “Are you saying I’m
gay
?”

Damn!
Definitely the wrong choice for top of the list!

“Well… yes.” He clenched his jaw. Why hadn’t someone invented time travel yet? He could go back and start again. Three minutes was all he needed.

Grasping his coffee cup, Ash cleared his throat. “Okay. So, you’re my boyfriend… and we live together.”

James shifted in his chair. “Yes.”

“Okay.” Ash still showed no outward reaction. “I suppose that’s why you were totally comfortable undressing me… and other things. I guess you’ve seen it all before.”

The silence stretched as Ash stared at his coffee cup. “I think perhaps I would like to go home now, James.”

“Yes. Sure, of course.”

The chair scraped harshly across the floor as he stood and offered Ash his arm. After briefly accepting his help, Ash immediately pulled his hand away.

James’s stomach churned.
Oh God! Ash can’t bear my touch.
He had ruined everything. With slumped shoulders and a heavy heart, like a man headed for the gallows, he followed Ash from the café.

B
RODY
’
S
VOICE
echoed around the bookstore where they had all met to discuss Ash’s progress. “Well of course he’s gone all quiet and weird, you idiot! Gay! That’s the first bloody thing you told him about his life? You must be the biggest bloody moron on the planet. The doctor agreed to you giving Ash a few facts, not dropping a bomb on him that alters his whole perception of himself! Why didn’t you start with how great he is at making coffee or where he used to live? Bloody hell, James, I should have known you’d stuff it up!”

“I know.” He studied his hands. Brody’s words could not make him feel any worse than he already did. He had been so eager to give Ash information that he had blundered ahead without thought for the consequences. Had he done irreparable damage? Ash had pulled away from his touch. Was Ash repelled?

“Maybe I should go and see him,” said Rachael. “I know he won’t know who I am but—”

“That might be a good idea, Rachael,” said Brody. “You could tell him that you’re the sister of this old….” he gestured sharply toward James before drawing in a deep breath. “Sorry. You have a calm manner, Rachael, and you’ve had a good relationship with Ash right from the start. Maybe he’ll tell you how he’s feeling. Let’s face it, you couldn’t make it any worse.” Brody threw a glare at James.

“Thanks, Rachael.” Sighing, he avoided Brody’s stare. “I realize I’ve made a mess of things. Maybe we should try showing him some photos of his parents and his childhood. Jess, does he still have any photo albums at your apartment?”

Brody surged to his feet, his chair tipping backward and crashing to the floor. “Are you kidding me? You have got to be the worst bloody boyfriend in history. If you knew anything about Ash, you’d know there’s nothing left from his childhood.” He jabbed his finger in James’s direction. “You don’t deserve him.” Brody strode from the shop, slamming the door violently behind him.

As the shop’s bell threatened to topple from its bracket, James searched the faces around him. “I don’t understand. What did I say?”

Jess cleared her throat. “Did you know Ash’s parents died?”

“Yes. When he was nineteen.”

“I’m guessing he didn’t tell you any of the details.”

“No. He didn’t.”

Jess placed her hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay. He doesn’t like to talk about it. It took him three years to tell me.”

With a sinking sensation in his stomach, he listened as Jess told the story. On Ash’s nineteenth birthday, he had gone out celebrating with his friends from university. The next day he had arrived home to a scene of devastation. A massive fire had ripped through his home, burning it to the ground with his sleeping parents inside. Nothing remained. No photos, no mementos, and no family. Without any other relatives, the house fire left Ash alone and lonely.

James’s stomach roiled. He had not really believed it when Ash said he wanted a home and a partner. Like a movie camera shifting focus to the long shot, the details in the background became clear. Ash longed for connection and had always wanted a committed relationship.

Of course.
Great!
Now, he had ruined everything with his selfish and rash actions!

Rachael placed her hand on James’s arm. “I’ll go see him this afternoon. It’ll be okay, James.”

“It will,” said Jess.

“Of course it will,” said Stephanie.

He stared at the scuff on his shoe. “Yeah…. Sure it will.” Standing quickly, he moved to the shop counter and grabbed the box of pens for sale.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven blue pens. Two, four, six, eight, ten red pens. Three, six, nine, ten sparkly pens….

J
AMES
PUSHED
open the door. The pulsing heat and music slammed into him, causing his step to falter. A bar. A crowded bar.

Every pair of eyes, all male, turned to zero in on them.

Ash had brought him to a gay bar.

Ash grinned, then forged into the fray. With a spring in his step, James followed. Ash’s grin made his heart light. Over the last two weeks, Ash’s reserve had slowly melted, and he no longer moved away from James’s touch. Maybe, just maybe everything would be all right.

They snaked through the crowded bar area and skirted the dance floor. Thankfully, they left behind the sweaty mass of gyrating half-naked young men and headed toward the promise of a slightly more civilized experience—a row of red vinyl-covered booths.

As he followed Ash through the noisy throng toward a vacant booth, interested and appreciative eyes followed
his
young man. He slid his hand to the curve of Ash’s back and lingered there until they reached their destination.

Once settled into the booth, he placed his arm across the padded seat and around Ash’s shoulders. It was a little obvious, but he needed to stake his claim before any of the locals decided to move in for an attack. “So, this is an unusual choice.”

Ash chewed on his bottom lip. “Well, I thought… maybe, it might give me a little more insight into our relationship and being gay… or something.”

James grimaced. “I think this is probably the last place I’d choose for that.”

A bar filled with half-naked young men, all looking to hook up, was the last place James would ever visit. To make matters worse, Ash looked particularly gorgeous tonight. Was Ash ready to fend off the advances that were sure to follow? Likewise, was
he
ready to witness those same advances? “We’ve never been to one together, and I don’t think it was your kind of scene before you met me.”

Ash laughed. “Are you saying I wasn’t into men before I met you?”

“Well, no. I didn’t mean that.” He bit back a smile. “Just, don’t make eye contact with anyone for more than three seconds.”

“What?”

He forced his face into a serious expression. “In a place like this, it’s a silent signal that could get you more than you bargain for. I may be forced to defend your honor.” Unable to suppress it any longer, his smile burst forth.

Ash’s stare focused on James’s mouth. “You know, when you smile
that
smile, it doesn’t feel like I’d be interested in other men.”

His breath hitched.
No, you don’t need anyone but me.
His hand curled around a strong, newly shaven jaw. His lips claimed a soft, startled mouth.

You. Are. Mine.

Ash pulled back from the searing kiss, glanced from left to right then straightened his tie. “Yes, well. I think I’ll go get us some drinks.”

The corner of James’s mouth curved upward. “Good idea.”

Chest out, chin tilted high, James surveyed all the hungry eyes following Ash, then flicking back toward him.
Yes, he is young and gorgeous and he’s with me.

His attention refocused and lingered on a pair of tight jeans. Ash’s indecisiveness over his clothes now made sense. Asking James’s opinion on several different variations, Ash finally settled on a dark blue shirt, black tie, and waistcoat with jeans. He was not the only one appreciating the final selection.

A handsome, shirtless young man blocked Ash’s path. James’s breath caught. Had it been wise to let Ash run the gauntlet by himself? Fists clenched painfully as the young man gripped Ash’s arm and leaned in close to speak in his ear. Ash shook his head and sidestepped only to have another young man accost him.
At least this one’s not pawing him.
Ash finally made it to the bar to order drinks. The breath James unconsciously held left his lungs in a rush.
Thank God!

However, his respite was short-lived. Like a well-planned battle maneuver, two young men moved in for the attack. His jaw clenched. A laughing Ash, his face bright and animated, chatted with them. One of the forward young men pushed a piece of paper into the pocket of Ash’s jeans. With a smile, Ash leaned to whisper something in the half-naked man’s ear.

Damn it!
A vise gripped his chest, and he drew in a shaky breath.

Finally, with drinks collected, the return journey began. It was worse. Some people had no sense of boundaries. As Ash successfully managed to evade a particularly persistent pair of wandering hands, the urge to vault across the table and react with violence, had James shaking with its intensity.

The sea of young men surrounding Ash were all obviously interested in
his
beautiful young lover. Faced with this sea of options, would Ash choose a different path? Could the isolation, lack of options, and reliance upon him be the key reasons for Ash remaining? His heart threatened to hammer its way out of his chest. What if Ash never remembered his past, their past together, and chose someone else?
No!
He couldn’t lose Ash.