Birdsong (26 page)

She stood up and smiled, holding his stiffening flesh in her hand. "You English," she said, and vanished behind the screen.

It did not cross Stephen's mind how ridiculous he must look. His skin was bursting, stretched almost to transparency by the blood pumped down into it. The girl smiled at him from the bed. She had small round breasts. She sat with her legs straight out in front of her and her arms folded across her stomach. There was no sheet on the bed.

"Take off your clothes," she said.

Stephen dumbly did what she told him. He stood naked in front of her. The girl was patient, as though she was accustomed to dealing with awkward soldiers. Stephen looked at her. Almost six years had passed since he had touched a woman. She was beautiful. There was light in her dark brown eyes; there was air and life in her limbs. The flesh was young and un-wounded. He wanted to drown himself in her, to bury deep into the cells of her skin and to forget himself there. She was peace and gentleness; she was the possibility of love and future generations.

As he took a step toward the bed he remembered a day when another woman had lain naked like this, her legs parted in front of his eyes, and he had kissed her there, allowing his tongue to open her, as though this unlocking would provide a way into her deepest self. He remembered her gasp of surprise. He had obliterated himself in her; he had purged his longing and desire; he had lodged and invested himself in her body. In her trust and love for him, he had deposited the unresolved conflicts of his life. Perhaps his self was still in her-betrayed and unhealed. The body was only flesh, but she had taken hers away from him; and in her physical absence there was more than missing flesh: there was abandonment. The tenderness he had felt toward the dark-haired girl was gone. She smiled at him and rolled on to her side, so he saw again the white swell of her hip, too curved to allow the passage of her arms in running or aggression.

When he looked at the girl's upper body, the ribs and spine, he thought of the shell casing that stuck from Reeves's abdomen; he thought of the hole in Douglas's shoulder where he had pressed his hand through almost to the lung.

His tenderness was replaced at first by a shuddering revulsion. Then his mind emptied. There was only this physical mass. He was losing control. The old woman smearing disinfectant between her legs was unrelated to anything he had known with Isabelle. Her daughter's body was no more than animal matter, less dear, less valuable than the flesh of men he had seen die.

He did not know whether to take the girl or kill her.

In the pocket of his trousers beside his feet was the knife he had carried on patrol. He bent down and took it out, opening it against the palm of his hand. He went over and sat on the edge of the bed.

The girl looked at him, her eyes wide, her mouth open but unable to produce a sound. He felt no pity for her ignorant fear.

He turned the knife so that the blade was in his palm, then ran the handle of it down between her breasts and over her thighs.

He did not know what he was doing. He hated her for not having seen what he had seen. He felt the skin on her legs give a little under his pressure. The knife left a thin white trail where the flesh was momentarily parted before the blood rushed in again beneath the skin. He wanted there to be more than just this flesh. He rested the handle on the hair between her legs, the blade pointing up towards her abdomen. The girl looked down in horror at the reflections of light on the steel. Stephen took his hand off the knife. It lay balanced. The girl was too frightened to move. Eventually she slid her hand slowly up her thigh and took the knife, her eyes on Stephen all the time. She held the blade in her fingers, closed the knife, and threw it to the far side of the room, where it landed on the earthen floor. Stephen looked down at the bed. His mind, which had been blank, was flooded with thoughts and recriminations.

The girl had regained her calm. She did not scream for help or remonstrate; she looked at Stephen's broken attitude on the bed, his head bowed, his excitement shrunk. Her relief made her generous.

She touched his hand.

Stephen jumped and looked up. He could not believe her touch. It was tender. She should have killed him.

He shook his head in bewilderment. "What...?"

She raised her finger to her lips. She seemed to grow stronger by the second, feeding on her relief and his despair.

She said, "It is very difficult. The war."

He said, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"I understand."

He looked at her with incredulous eyes, then took up his clothes and dressed hurriedly behind the screen.

*

In the turmoil of a division preparing to move, no one noticed the temporary absence of two officers in the night. They left the motorbike where they had found it and made their separate ways back to the front line, both feeling more sober than they had expected.

The next day Weir had his orders. They would move the following evening to a billet not yet specified, then march to Albert. They were expected to help complete the digging that had already begun near the village of Beaumont-Hamel. There was no indication of whether this was part of a larger strategy or merely a routine redeployment. Since the whole division was on the move, however, it appeared that the rumours were true: they were going to attack.

Weir slumped down on to the lower bunk in his dugout. He ran his hand back over what remained of his hair. So this was the attack at last. No more peace and tranquility. The big push. He managed a snort of dry laughter. No more the quiet sector with its friendly routine patrols. With the men of the new army, he would sweep the Germans out of France.

He was resigned to it. He felt that he had lost control of his own life: when he had finally tried to alter some central part of his existence it had come to nothing but humiliation. The guns would not be much worse.

When he returned from his nighttime shift underground, Jack went to a quiet part of the trench with a cup of tea and took out Margaret's letter. He read it very slowly, not allowing his eyes to glance ahead.

My Dearest Jack,

How are you? We think about you all the time and our prayers are for you. Thank you for your letters which have been a great comfort to us. It is good to know you are keeping cheery and well.

I have to tell you that our boy died this morning. The doctors said he suffered no pain and was very restful at the end. There was nothing they could do for him. I saw him in the hospital but they would not let me take him home. I do believe they cared for him to the last and did not let him suffer.

I am sorry to have to tell you this my dear Jack because I know how much you loved him. You must not let it get you downhearted. You are all I have left now and I pray God will send you home to me safe.

I am to collect his little body this afternoon, the funeral will be on Friday. I will light a candle from you in the church.

I will write again but I haven't the heart to go on now. Please do take care of yourself and come home to me.

With love from Margaret.

Jack put the letter down on the ground and stared in front of him. He thought: I will not let this shake my faith. His life was a beautiful thing, it was filled with joy. I will thank God for it.

He put his head in his hands to pray but was overpowered by the grief of his loss. No polite words of gratitude came, but only the bellowing darkness of desolation. "My boy," he sobbed, "my darling boy." They arrived at Albert in the first week of June. The tunnellers were at once despatched to the Front, but the infantry were allowed to pass the time in rest, with fewer drills and inspections than usual and a suspiciously improved diet that included oranges and walnuts.

Captain Gray took Stephen to see Colonel Barclay, who was staying in a large house on the west side of town.

"He's an irascible fellow," said Gray. "But you shouldn't be taken in by his manner. He's a fine fighter. He enjoys hardship and danger." Gray raised an eyebrow as though to question Barclay's judgement.

They discovered the colonel looking at maps in the converted study. He was younger than Stephen had expected; although grey, he had a lean, ferrety presence.

"Pretty nice house, isn't it?" said Barclay. "But never you mind, I'll be in the trench with you chaps when you go over the top."

"Are you actually going to go over the top yourself, sir?" said Gray, with a note of surprise.

"I should bloody well think so," said Barclay. "I've been stuck on my arse with creeping-Jesus staff officers for the last six weeks. The day the balloon goes up I'm aiming to have dinner off the regimental silver in Ba-paume."

Gray coughed. "That would indeed represent a remarkable advance." His accent seemed to have become more Scottish in Barclay's presence.

"And do you know who I'll be having it with? The C in C of the Second Indian Cavalry."

"I had not appreciated that the cavalry would be involved."

"Of course they are. We punch a hole, they pour through. Haig's dead set on it."

"I see." Gray nodded his head slowly. "This is Lieutenant Wraysford, who has some knowledge of the terrain. You may remember I mentioned him to you."

"Yes, I remember," said Barclay. "The Somme expert. Well, you'd better sing for your supper."

They went out into the gardens of the house for a stroll, and Barclay asked Stephen about the lie of the land. At Gray's suggestion, he had refreshed his memory by looking at a map and was able to tell him of the marshy flanks of the river Ancre, the rising ground toward Thiepval on one side and the ridge on the other.

"Hawthorn Ridge," said the colonel. "That's what they call that. We're attacking on that line toward Beaumont-Hamel. They're going to blow a bloody great hole in the ridge first."

"I see," said Gray. "So that will give the enemy plenty of warning and a nice bit of natural fortification."

Barclay looked at him with a stern pity. "We'll get to it first, Gray. But it's going to be a long day. I expect we may be asked to reinforce other units at various stages depending on how it goes."

"But we will be in the first wave of attack?"

"Oh yes," beamed the colonel. "Over at dawn, don't worry. Regroup and take a breather at midday. Back in the early evening to put the shoulder to the wheel if necessary. Your men ready for it?"

"Oh, I think so," said Gray. "What do you think, Wraysford?"

"I think so, sir. Though I'm a little worried about the terrain. Also they've been here a long time, haven't they, the enemy? They will have built defences like--"

"Good God," said Barclay, "I've never come across two such fainthearts. There is going to be a six-day bombardment which is going to cut every bit of German wire from here to Dar es Salaam. If there's any Boche left alive after that he'll be so bloody relieved it's over that he'll come out with his hands up."

"That would certainly constitute an unexpected bonus," said Gray. And another thing," said Barclay. "I don't need tactical advice from a platoon commander. I've got Rawlinson breathing down my neck already, as well as brigade orders every day. You just do what you're told. Now let's go and have lunch." Barclay's second-in-command, Major Thursby, and the three other company commanders joined them at an elegant table in a room with long windows at the side of the house. Stephen wondered if he should not offer to do the waiting rather than converse with these superior officers, but there seemed to be ample mess waiters, augmented by an elderly French couple.

"What's this stuff?" said Barclay holding up a bottle to the light. "GevreyChambertin. Hmm, tastes all right, though I don't know why we can't have white wine with fish."

"There was no white wine in the cellar, sir," said the colonel's batman, a small white-haired Londoner. "But I knew you were partial to a bit of fish. Trout, sir. From the local river."

"Very well, Davis," said Barclay, refilling his glass.

A thin stew followed, then ripe cheese and fresh bread. Lunch went on past three o'clock, when they went to the sun-filled sitting room with coffee and cigars. Stephen felt the softness of the chair beneath him and allowed his hand to linger on the brocade. One of the company commanders, a tall man called Lucas, was talking about the fishing on the river Test in Hampshire near his parents' home. The others were discussing a battalion football match. An Edinburgh unit who were coming into the line nearby contained the entire Heart of Midlothian professional team and had proved unbeatable.

The colonel's batman brought brandy, and Stephen thought of the men in his platoon and the way they conjured cups of tea on tiny spirit stoves in damp trench walls. A sullen decorator called Studd used to fix a piece of cheese on his bayonet to entice the rats, then pull the trigger. Stephen felt that he was betraying them by eating and drinking in this elegant house, though in fact the men themselves believed you took what was available. They would barter and scrounge what they could in rest or in the line; food parcels were common property and a recent one addressed to Wilkinson, some weeks dead, had been the cause of particular celebration.

Stephen smiled to himself, aware that his brief flight from reality would soon be ended.

*

The battalion marched to a village called Colincamps. They sang on the road and swung their arms. It was a warm June day and the sun lit up the pallid green of the countryside. In the elms the rooks were calling dreamily, and in the plane trees and chestnuts was the constant sound of blackbirds and thrushes. The village was a babble of accents from Ulster, London, Glasgow, and Lancashire. The men overwhelmed the resources of the local families in their search for billets. They played football in the evening and their sweat awakened the memories of action in their unwashed, lice-filled clothes.

Stephen took his platoon to a barn where Gray was attempting to make a deal with a reluctant woman and her son. By nightfall they had got the men inside with clean straw and a hot meal from the mobile cooker.

That night the guns began. Stephen was reading a book by candlelight in the hayloft of the barn when he heard them. A howitzer was embedded not far behind and was shaking down the dust of centuries from the rafters.