In his mind he heard the words. The lyrics were terrible. They were so basic, so obvious, and painted no real picture except for whom the song was written for. And maybe that’s what made it so beautiful; the idea of a song written for someone special. It was part of the reason why Danny never brought the song to the band and it was definitely the reason why his fingers hadn’t played the song in a long time.
A very long time.
“That sounds good, brother, what is it?”
Danny looked back and saw Johnnie standing with a guitar strapped to his back. Just like Johnnie used to do. He and Danny would grab a snack with their guitars on their backs and then be gone. Out for the day, the night, going anywhere they could to find a spot to practice guitar.
“Nothing anyone should hear,” Danny said.
“I’m serious,” Johnnie said. “That’s got a nice sound to it.”
“I wrote it a long time ago.”
“For someone?”
“What do you think?”
Johnnie stepped towards his little brother and touched his shoulder. “I think the past is sinking its teeth into you hard. And while I want to tell you you’re wrong for letting it, I can’t. It’s just the way life goes sometimes.”
“It hurts, Johnnie,” Danny whispered. “In my gut. In my heart.”
“I’m sure it does.”
Danny didn’t need to explain the difference between the pain of losing his father and the pain of seeing Liv. He knew his big brother would understand it all. He always did.
“The thing is...,” Johnnie said. He looked out the front window of the house.
That’s when Danny took a good look at his brother. He would never tell Johnnie, but the way he looked right then, he looked like their father. But a good version of the man who created Danny and Johnnie. He had wisdom filled eyes and the stern face. A jaw of steel. A demeanor that demanded respect.
“The thing is, little brother,” Johnnie said, “is that life can eat us alive. We’ve seen it in the band, right? The demons. The past. The worries. The doubts. We get through it together because that’s our job. And my job as your brother is to push you, yell at you, and love you. And I do. When it comes to the past, Danny, one of the two things eating at you is gone. It’s gone forever. There’s nothing you can do to change it except make sure the future doesn’t follow in the same path...”
Johnnie then looked at Danny.
Danny knew what his older brother meant. It was up to he and Johnnie that - when the time came - when they had families of their own, they would be great fathers, great husbands, and keep a close knit family.
“As far as the other thing,” Johnnie said, “that part of the past is alive. I’m not sure what’s there... it may be a black hole of pain... but if that’s what it takes to find love, it’s worth all the pain in the world.”
Danny nodded and started playing guitar again. He went back to the same song. Johnnie lingered for a few seconds and when Danny felt his older brother kiss the back of his head, he felt tears rush to his eyes. He refused to stop playing the guitar and he let the few tears fall as they may.
A few minutes later the entire band rushed out of the house with excited aspirations as though they had just booked their first bar gig. There was a sense of innocence that surrounded Chasing Cross as they got into the black van. And even when the van started driving, everyone was happy, laughing, and Chris and Davey took out their bass and guitar and started to jam. Danny and Johnnie sang together, enjoying a beer in the back of the van, allowing reality to slip away as far as it could. Danny couldn’t sing as well as his brother but that wasn’t the point. The point was having fun. The point was celebrating life. The point was being alive... and together...
And while Danny couldn’t imagine being with any other people in the world right then, he did have an empty spot in his heart.
There was one person missing...
**
“Liv.”
Liv turned her head and coughed, holding a bottle of water in her left hand, trying to use her right hand to wipe a tear away from her cheek without Lorraine seeing it. She knew there wasn’t a chance in hell Lorraine didn’t see it, but she also knew Lorraine wouldn’t say a word about it unless she felt she had to.
“Enjoying the view?” Lorraine asked.
“Yeah, I am,” Liv said.
They stood on the back deck, looking out to the yard, to the trees, to the man made enclosure that Liv normally saw as her own world but now seemed like a prison.
“Is Dad okay?” she asked.
“Of course he is,” Lorraine said. “He’s napping now. Told me he needed to rest his eyes for ten minutes. To wake him before his shift starts.”
Liv tried to laugh, but it came out a broken sigh. She blinked as more tears came.
“Sorry,” she whispered.
Lorraine rubbed her back. “No need to be sorry, honey. You have every right to get emotional. To get mad. To want to quit. To question your life. It’s all part of the deal here.”
“The deal,” Liv said. “What a deal.”
“It’s a terrible deal,” Lorraine said. “Because at the end of it you get nothing. You lose time. You lose sleep. But... just know that somewhere in his mind and somewhere beyond this world, it’s known what you’re doing for him.”
Liv looked at Lorraine and shook her head. “You should write books about it.”
“No,” Lorraine said. “I’m happy here. The stories I have are my own. I went through it with my parents on my own and everyday at work. You’re not alone, Liv, even if it feels that way.”
Liv scanned her yard again. She thought about the day she bought the house. Seeing the yard had sealed the deal. Her mind instantly pictured playing tag football in the backyard, raking giant leave piles in the autumn, building snowmen in the winter. It was the first time she really thought about having a family. Plus, seeing the property line reminded her that she was just a few miles away from all those spots she and
friends
would go to spend warm afternoons together.
When she saw the missing pieces of her fence, it tore at her heart. There was so much she wanted to take out on Danny. The anger, the pain, the years of loneliness that suffocated her heart. But Liv couldn’t do it. Not with Danny putting his father into the ground. Not after all that happened between them when Danny and his brother were growing up. The last thing she needed was to get stuck in an emotional war with him.
But when was he leaving?
His band would have to go to work again... they’d have to play shows, make music, the whole thing...
“You look like you’re being torn apart right now,” Lorraine said.
“I feel it.”
“Does it have to do with today?”
Liv nodded.
There was no real need to lie to Lorraine.
“Starstruck or heartbroken?” Lorraine asked.
“What if I say both?”
Lorraine laughed and leaned against the railing, folding her hands. “I’m sorry, Liv, for whatever you’re going through.”
“Lorraine... when is a dream dead?”
“When you let it die,” Lorraine said.
“What does that mean?”
“That means a dream is alive as long as you want it to be.”
“What about dreaming about love?”
“What’s wrong with that?” Lorraine asked. “Sometimes waiting makes it that much better. Sometimes it doesn’t.”
“How long can one person wait?”
Lorraine looked at Liv and her eyes were glossy. “As long as they have to.”
“Oh, Lorraine, I didn’t...”
Liv felt two inches tall. She forgot about Liv’s husband...
“Right before Barry passed away,” Lorraine said, “he took my hand and squeezed it. He told me he wanted me to live and be happy. He said I deserved to be loved and cared for. But they were just words, the right words to say at that time. His eyes told me a different story. And so did my own heart.”
Lorraine’s husband died of cancer five years earlier. And the way Lorraine took care of herself and lived life so happily and free, she’d have another thirty years, if not more, before she’d get to see her husband again.
“I’m sorry,” Liv said.
“I’m not. Barry’s love was the only love that mattered. Even in death. Nothing could come close. So I wait. And when my time comes and I’m gone, I’ll have Barry again. And the wait will have been worth every second.”
Lorraine rubbed Liv’s back again and went back inside.
Liv didn’t feel much better, but at least she didn’t feel so alone.
Could she really just stand there, on a deck, staring at a big empty backyard, a broken fence, and just wait around for a rockstar to come to his senses completely and love her again? And if so... how would it work? Seeing Danny leave once was hard enough, Liv couldn’t imagine it becoming part of her everyday life. Not with her father like he was.
Liv drank her water and inhaled the fresh air. She knew the feelings would eventually go away. They always did.
“Hey, Liv?” Lorraine called for her.
Liv spun, expecting something with her father. Lorraine stood holding the house phone.
“Someone’s on the phone for you,” Lorraine whispered. “Chrissy...?”
“Yeah,” Liv said. “Chrissy’s a friend.”
“She wants you to come out.”
“Crabley’s? Why?”
“Well...,” Lorraine paused as a smile overran her face. “Apparently, Chasing Cross just showed up at Crabley’s to play a show.”
(10)
Danny would never tell Peter, but the spontaneous gig was probably one of the best Chasing Cross shows in a long time. From the second they opened the front door to Crabley’s, it was nothing but energy and fun and. They received a cheering until the owner of Crabley’s begged them to get on the small stage and
play a few songs to calm them down
.
The mics weren’t the right volume and the sound system was terrible. But that made it so much better because it all relied on the actual sound of the instruments and the voices. The bar was cramped and warm with seven spotlights hanging above the stage. Three of them were burned out, one of them flickering a few times.
They ran through the usual hits, letting the acoustic style give its own sound. When it came time for the solos, Danny and Davey faced each other, smiling ear to ear, playing the solos note for note, even as impossible as it felt climbing the neck of an acoustic so much. There wasn’t enough room for a couple of the notes but it didn’t matter. Danny slid his fingers past the neck still on the strings and let the sound cry out. It was out of tune and horrible but didn’t matter.
It was fun.
It was a release.
It was what Danny needed.
Even when Johnnie messed around with the crowd, taking requests for covers, it was fun. The band that had been on stage before Chasing Cross was brought up onto the stage to play a few songs.
The guitarist had hair to his shoulders and looked like he needed a good shower. His worn shirt and ripped jeans added to the allure of being a rockstar and the second Danny saw the kid, he thought of himself. They shook hands and the kid looked nervous as anything.
“What’s your name?” Danny asked.
“They call me Axe in the band... but I’m Andy. I love Chasing Cross.”
“Let’s play,” Danny said. “Show me your most popular song.”
The kids fingers were shaking as he strummed the chords and showed Danny the riffs. It took all of a minute of random jamming before they were ready to go at it.
“What’s the name of the band?” Danny asked.
“Uh... Forever Tuesday Down,” Andy said.
“Nice name,” Danny said.
Danny walked to Johnnie and whispered the name to him. Johnnie looked back and nodded.
“Okay, let’s have some more fun,” Johnnie yelled into the mic. “We’re going to let our buddies, Forever Tuesday Down, play a song they want you to hear. And we’re going to try and keep up.”
The crowd cheered and in front of the stage, a small group of people had gathered and screamed as loud as they could. They all took out cell phones and started taking pictures and recording the show.
Danny loved it. It took him back to the days when there was only a handful of Chasing Cross fans who would follow them and cheer and dance, doing anything to attract more fans. But back then there wasn’t instant information... there weren’t cell phones with cameras or video capabilities, let alone the idea of sending a picture or video out online for the world to see in a matter of seconds.
The leader singer of the band stepped next to Johnnie and Johnnie moved to the side.
“Uh, hey there,” he said. “I’m Mikey... we’re Forever Tuesday Down... but you already know that.”
“We love you Mikey!” two girls yelled from the front of the stage.
Danny looked at the girls and smiled. The girls saw Danny and then started to jump at each other. Those were the days when there wasn’t enough gas to get to the next gig. Those were the days when a loaf of bread was the meal for the week. Those were the days when cheap beer was the only beer to drink.