Black Flag (Racing on the Edge) (56 page)

“There is a lesson in everything
we do. It’s about seeing past the speed and looking for an opening you didn’t
see before.”

I wasn’t sure if he was
talking about racing or life but decided it didn’t matter, it applied to both.

Sometimes I feel like
the past is something you just can’t let go of but I also feel like sometimes
the past was something we would do anything to forget.

I don’t think we should
ever forget our past altogether because it taught us what not to do or what not
to repeat. But you need to move forward with the future. Move forward with your
dreams and use it as a lesson.

I needed to be that man
for Sway. I needed to be that man for my son. I needed to let go of the past.
Yeah Darrin got a piece of me but he didn’t get the whole thing and no one ever
would. I could do that. At least I thought I could after a few drinks.

The only dream I could
ever remember wanting was to be a race car driver. Some kids changed their
minds as they grew older, I never did. I saw the passion my dad had for the
sport and I knew I wanted that too. I also remember the sacrifices he made to
do so. He wasn’t home on our birthdays, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day and right
after Christmas, he was usually gone again. If we wanted to see him we traveled
with him. Even with all that, he taught me one important trait, determination.

In the twenty four
years my dad had been racing in the World of Outlaws, he’d won fourteen
championships and was well on the way to his fifteenth. He’d won five hundred
and forty three races. In my eyes he was greatness. He was a legend. I wanted
my son to be able to look at me with the same idolatry I did to Jimi. I wanted
him to look at me and see greatness, someone he could admire. I didn’t want him
to see the man I’d become these last few weeks. Even I hardly recognized the
man I’d become.

After Sway told me the
way it would be, and Tate making me feel like a complete failure, I did some
thinking that night before the Dover race. Alone in my motor coach was
something I needed.

Cal stopped by for a
minute to see if I needed anything before he headed back to the hotel.
“Any requests for tomorrow?”
He did all the cooking on the
road these days.

“Same as always, orange
juice, egg whites and bacon,”

He smiled near the door,
one foot out and one foot in. “You all right kid?”

I smiled despite my
shitty attitude. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Well,” he seemed to
contemplate staying before he finally said, “see you tomorrow.”

I had some serious
decisions to make and that started with myself and ended with myself. I
couldn’t be that kid who broke down when his rock left him for college.
Resorting to drinking and combining pain pills wasn’t an option for me now. I
had to face reality.

As grandpa Casten would
say, eventually you have to get off the bench and decided which team you’re
batting for, self-pity, or self-resilience?

“You ready for this,
Riley?” Bobby asked taking in my appearance that morning after the team
meeting. We stood on pit road, waiting for the National Anthem to begin, and
then the race.

Leaning against the
side of my car, I smiled as Tate and Paul Leighty, his teammate, approached me.

Bobby’s head tipped
sideways. “Hmm,” a grin appeared. “
...
I’ve
seen that smile before
...
Rowdy Riley’s back,
huh?”

I offered another smile
pulling my hat down to shadow my face.

“Good luck boys.”
Patting Tate and Bobby on the back, I stepped past them. I was batting for
self-resilience.

Spoiler – Tate

I searched his intense
indomitable stare. That determination, that desire I saw in that nineteen-year
old kid at the Chili Bowl was back. I saw in the way he looked at us, the way
he walked. I knew right then the arrogant little shit I met four years ago had
returned. I’ve seen many drivers in my time, but none of them ever compared to
the talent Jameson has behind the wheel.

I turned toward Bobby
and Paul gesturing toward Jameson. “You know we’re screwed, right?”

We watched as he
stopped and signed a couple autographs before Paul laughed. “He’s right, we’re
fucked.”

“Rowdy Riley’s back.” Bobby
agreed clapping his hands together. He was all for the competition. “It’s gonna
be a good race.”

He was right though,
none of us wanted to race against the distant version of Jameson he’d become.
We wanted to race against Rowdy Riley who kept us on our game. When the kid
showed up we knew our chance at winning were slim, like today.

There’s nothing like
the look in a racers eye when he wants it.

Spoiler – Jameson

When I thought about
how out of control I had become these last few weeks, I realized I was some
kind of wild animal. I also tend to think there is an animal instinct in
everyone whether you want to admit it or not. You want to think of yourself as
controlled and rational but when your world falls apart it’s apparent that
we’re really no different from animals.

We feel caged, we run.
We feel danger, we run. We want comfort and we want to feel safe.

What really sets us
apart from animals is our ability to adapt and evolve to situations. A Grisly
bear isn’t going to suddenly say, “Hey I think I’ll not attack this human.”

That
bear
runs on instinct and always will when he feels threatened.

Sure we, as in
myself
, may react when faced with danger but we also have
the ability to say we’re sorry, something an animal can’t do. And though I wouldn’t
blame them, thankfully no one was going to shoot me with a tranquilizer for
acting this way. That Grisly, well he probably didn’t fare as well.

But I had an
opportunity, a chance to beg for forgiveness and show others I was worth it
even with my animal instincts.

I poured my begging for
forgiveness into my natural ability. The only way I knew how to show them just
how much I appreciated them not giving up on me. I won the race.

As I pulled into
victory lane, I was only thinking of Sway. I wanted her here with me to share
this, to experience this and see how much I appreciated her. So much of my
success and my determination, comes from her. It’s because of her that I want
to be a better man and forget those animal instincts, communication issues and
deadly sins. Determination and desire can take you a long ways if you want it
bad enough.

Combine those two
traits, determination and desire, and you can be a relentless unstoppable son
of a bitch. That was me. Nothing was holding me back now. I was on a mission. A
mission to forget those animal instincts to run when faced with fear but also
respected one important instinct I had, determination when you saw your prey in
sight. I had my prey insight.
A championship.

Sway was right,
champions aren’t made,
they
are born. It takes
ambition, determination, and sacrifice.
A lot of sacrifice.
But after all the blown engines, DNF’s, brushes with concrete, late night,
early rises, and time away from my family is washed away by the champagne and
beer spraying me in the face, something changed. I realized that dream I dreamt
about as a four-year old kid sitting in your dad’s sprint car was within reach
and this was worth it.

As my team hollered and
screamed around me, I looked up into the sky, and for the first time in years,
I prayed. With my body drenched in sweat, I rested my head against the roof of
my car and gave in.

I prayed that it would
be okay. I prayed I’d find the strength to be the man I needed to be for my
family and most of all, I prayed for having the opportunity to do so. Not many
people get the chance to follow their dreams but here I was, living mine.

Through all this, Sway
would have never asked me to quit for the simple fact that she knew I would for
her and I’m thankful she didn’t.

Just like that animal
that saw his prey in sight, I wouldn’t give up and she knew it.

After Dover, the
seconds were turning into minutes as the minutes turned into hours. Days turned
to nights as the nights turned to weeks. All time seemed to be blurring
together.

Half the time I didn’t
know what track I was at
...
just that I wasn’t
where I really wanted to be. But I also knew I needed this. I needed to prove
myself. I needed to know those sacrifices were worth it. So in turn, I was
relentless and wouldn’t stand for anyone getting in my way. That flavor that
swirled in my mouth at the beginning of this was now consuming my entire body.
It pulsed through my veins, begging for the pressure release, bubbling to the
surface and I was left with the burning desire.

Every night I sat in my
motor coach or another hotel room wishing I had time to see Sway but with the
season winding down, time wasn’t possible. And every night the news reports
painted the picture of what I was becoming. Only now, the headlines read things
like,

The Fire within will Rise Again

He lives on pure instinct just like his
racing. He’s strong and lithe, always anticipating their next move.

Tragedy attempted to end his chances at the
series title but this dominant beleaguered rookie Rowdy Riley has his own
unrefined fight brewing.

For some reason, and
I’m sure you can understand why, those were easier to stomach than the shit
they wrote about me and Darrin. It wasn’t like they still didn’t question the
disappearance, but they didn’t as often. It may have had something to do with
the fact that I never replied.

Before Martinsville, I
checked on how the road trip was going, fearing Sway would have killed one of
them by now, and by one of them, I mean my sister. I didn’t want my pregnant
soon to be wife going to jail for murder.

“Hey Van, how’s the
trip going?” I waited in the hauler for Spencer to return so we could fly out
to Martinsville. I had a shitload of press to do there so we had to leave
straight from California to Virginia. Lately, to get seat time, I’d been racing
triple headers.

“Now that Ms. Sway and
I drugged Emma with Nyquil, it’s a more peaceful trip.”

I laughed putting my
shoes on and balancing the phone on my shoulder as I tied them.

“How’s Sway doing?”
Sway and I spoke often and many times throughout the day, not to mention we’d
been texting like high school girls in the back of biology class but I wanted
to know Van’s thoughts, I knew how observant he was.

“I assure you she’s
fine Jameson.” Van told me with a laugh. “You know I take her safety seriously,
right?”

I sunk into the couch
contemplating what he said.

“I do Van.” I replied.
“I think you in particular can understand how much she means to me and how
imperative it is to me that she’s kept safe.”

“I do,” he assured me.
There was a pause before he added. “We should be in Elma by Wednesday as
planned if we can keep Emma under control.”

“Good luck with that.”
I laughed freely. “And people wonder why I tried to auction her off at the zoo
when she was seven.”

“Hell man, I would have
done it a lot sooner than that.”

As my luck would have
it, I got caught up in appearances and press interviews so I had to postpone my
trip to Elma to see Sway, which had me one grumpy bastard by the time I
actually made it to Martinsville. Not only had I missed her being released from
the hospital but now I wouldn’t get to see her for another few weeks. Grumpy
bastard might actually be an understatement.

Each week, I couldn’t
flee the hounding media and fans that hovered over every turn waiting to take
those last remaining pieces.

“Jameson! Look this
way!”

“Jameson! Do you have
just a second?”

“Jameson! Can you sign
this?”

“Jameson! Can I get a
picture with you?”

“Jameson! Do you think
you have a chance at the championship?”

“Jameson! How’s Sway
doing?”

Those were the constant
enthusiastic questions surrounding me. But what they didn’t realize was instead
of taking the remaining pieces, they were being glued together again with the
fact that this was almost the end. That’s what I tried to tell myself at least.

With the late afternoon
sun blinding, I was leaning against this side of my hauler as a throng of fans
encircled me. I remained silent and just smiled for the pictures they were
taking. There was screaming and flashing all around, it was hard to even sign
my name with all the distractions. But I remained focused as the end was near.

A strange thing happens
when someone finds out you’re a NASCAR driver. They stop thinking of you as a
person and think of you as some sort of mythical creature, a god that can do no
wrong. We’re far from that though. We have weaknesses and probably more faults
than them. We have insecurities just like anyone else. But that doesn’t change
the fact that we act strong, we try to remain that god in their eyes. We hide
the fact that we’re human too because that’s not what they want to see.