Authors: Evelyn Waugh
‘Now,
look, Mister, I tell you exactly how we are fixed. We have His Majesty’s
interests to safeguard. See what I mean? You think there is tin in the Ngumo mountains
in workable quantities. So do we. So do other companies. They want concession
too. Only today two gentlemen come to ask me to fix it for them. What do I do?
I say, we can only give concession to company we have confidence in. Look. How
about if on your board of directors you had a man of financial status in the
country; someone who His Majesty trusts … see what I mean? … someone with a
fair little block of share allocated to him. He would protect His Majesty’s
interests and interests of company too … see?’
‘That’s
all very well, Mr Youkoumian, but it isn’t so easy to find anyone like that. I
can’t think of anyone at the moment.’
‘No,
can’t you? Can’t you think?’
‘Unless,
of course, you yourself? But I can hardly suggest that. You are far too busy.’
‘Mister,
I have learned how to be busy and still have time for things that please me …’
Next door: Basil and the
American commercial attaché: ‘The situation is this, Walker. I’m — the Emperor
is spending a quarter of a million sterling on road construction this year. It
can‘t
come out of the ordinary revenue. I’m floating a loan to raise the
money. You’re acting over here for Cosmopolitan Oil Trust and for Stetson cars.
Every mile of road we make is worth five hundred cars a year and God knows how
many gallons of oil. If your companies like to take up the loan I’m prepared to
give them a ten-years’ monopoly …
Later,
the editor of the
Courier d’Azanie.
M. Bertrand
did not look a man of any importance — nor, in fact, was he. The
Courier
consisted
of a single sheet, folded quarto, which was issued weekly to rather less than a
thousand subscribers in Debra Dowa and Matodi. It retailed in French the chief
local events of the week — the diplomatic entertainments, official appointments,
court circular, the programmes of the cinemas and such few items of foreign
news as came through on the wireless. It occupied one day a week of M.
Bertrand’s time, the remainder of which was employed in printing menus,
invitation cards, funeral and wedding announcements, in acting as local
correspondent for a European news-agency and in selling stationery over the
counter of his little office. It was in the hope of a fat order for crested
note-paper that he presented himself in answer to Basil’s invitation at the
offices of the new Ministry.
‘Good
morning, Monsieur Bertrand. It’s good of you to come. We may as well get to
business at once. I want to buy your paper.’
‘Why,
certainly, Monsieur Seal. I have a very nice cream-laid line suitable for
office use or a slightly more expensive quality azure-tinted with a linen
surface. I suppose you would want the name of the Ministry embossed at the
head?’
‘I
don’t think you understand me. I mean the
Courier d’ Azanie.’
M.
Bertrand’s face showed disappointment and some vexation. It was really
unpardonably high-handed of this young man to demand a personal call from the
proprietor and editor-in-chief whenever lie bought a copy of his journal.
‘I will
tell my clerk. You wish to subscribe regularly?’..
‘No,
no, you don’t understand. I wish to become the proprietor — to own the entire
concern. What is your price?’
Slowly
the idea took root, budded and blossomed; then M. Bertrand said: ‘Oh no, that
would be quite impossible. I don’t want to sell.’
‘Come,
come. It can’t be worth much to you and I am willing to pay a generous price.’
‘It is
not that, sir; it is a question of prestige, you understand,’ he spoke very
earnestly. ‘You see, as the proprietor and editor of the
Courier
I am
someone.
Twice a year Madame Bertrand and I dine at the French Legation; once we go
to the garden party, we go to the Court and the polo club. That is something. But
if I become Bertrand, job-printer, who will regard me then? Madame Bertrand
would not forgive it.’
‘I
see,’ said Basil. To be someone in Debra Dowa … it seemed a modest ambition;
it would be a shame to deprive M. Bertrand. ‘I see. Well, suppose that you
retained the position of editor and were nominally proprietor. That would
fulfil my purpose. You see I am anxious to enlarge the scope of your paper. I
wish it to publish leading articles explaining the political changes. Listen …
‘ and for a quarter of an hour Basil outlined his intentions for the
Courier’s
development … three sheets, advertisements of European firms and government
services to meet increased cost of production; enlarged circulation; features
in Sakuyu and Arabic; intelligent support of government policy … At the end
of the interview M. Bertrand left, slightly bewildered, carrying with him a
fair-sized cheque and the notes for a leading article forecasting possible
changes in the penal code … convict settlements to replace local prisons….
What extraordinary subjects to mention in the
Courier!
At
eleven the Anglican Bishop came to protest against the introduction of State
Lotteries.
At a
quarter past William came from Sir Samson Courteney to discuss the possibility
of making a road out to the Legation. William and Basil did not like each
other.
At
half-past the Lord Chamberlain came to consult about cookery. A banquet was due
to some Wanda notables next week. Seth had forbidden raw beef. What was he to
give them? ‘Raw beef,’ said Basil. ‘Call it steak tartare.’
‘That
is in accordance with modern thought?’
‘Perfectly.’
At noon
Basil went to see the Emperor.
The
heat, rarely intolerable in the hills, was at this time of’ day penetrating and
devitalizing. The palace roofs glared and shimmered. A hot breeze lifted the
dust and powdered the bodies of the dangling courtiers and carried across the
yard a few waste shreds of paper, baked crisp and brittle as dead leaves. Basil
sauntered with half-shut eyes to the main entrance.
Soldiers
stood up and saluted clumsily; the captain of the guard trotted after him and
plucked at his sleeve.
‘Good
morning, captain.’
‘Good
morning, Excellency. You are on your way to the Emperor?’
‘As
usual.’
‘There
is a small matter. If I could interest your excellency … It is about the two
gentlemen who were hanged. One was my cousin.’
‘Yes?’
‘His
post has not yet been filled. It has always been held by my family. My uncle
has made a petition to His Majesty.’
‘Yes,
yes. I will speak on his behalf.’
‘But
that is exactly what you must not do. My uncle is a wicked man, Excellency. It
was he who poisoned my father. I am sure of it. He wanted my mother. It would
be most unjust for him to have the post. There is my little brother —a man of
supreme ability and devotion …’
‘Very
well, captain, I’ll do what I can.’
‘The
angels preserve your excellency.’
The
Emperor’s study was strewn with European papers and catalogues; his immediate
concern was a large plan of Debra Dowa on which he was working with ruler and
pencil.’
‘Come
in, Seal, I’m just rebuilding the city. The Anglican Cathedral will have to go,
I think, and all the South quarter. Look, here is Seth Square with the avenues
radiating from it. I’m calling this, Boulevard Basil Seal.’
‘Good
of you, Seth.’
‘And
this, Avenue Connolly.’
‘Ah, I
wanted to talk about him.’ Basil sat down and approached his subject
discreetly. ‘I wouldn’t say anything against him. I know you like him and in
his rough-and-tumble way he’s a decent soldier. But d’you ever feel that he’s
not
quite modern?’
‘He
never made full use of our tank.’
‘Exactly.
He’s opposed to progress throughout. He wants to keep the army under
his
control.
Now there’s the question of boots. I don’t think we told you, but the matter
came before the Ministry and we sent in a recommendation that the Guards should
be issued with boots. It would increase their efficiency a hundred per cent.
Half the sick list is due to hook-worm which as you know comes from going about
barefooted. Besides, you know, there’s the question of prestige. There’s not a
single Guards regiment in Europe without boots. You’ve seen them for yourself
at Buckingham Palace. You’ll never get the full respect of the powers until you
give your troops boots.’
‘Yes,
yes, by all means. They shall have boots at once.’
‘I was
sure you’d see it that way. But the trouble is that Connolly’s standing out
against it. Now we’ve no power at present to issue an army ordinance. That has
to come through him — or through you as commander-in-chief of the army.’
‘I’ll
make out an order today. Of course they must have boots. I’ll hang any man I
see barefooted.’
‘Fine.
I thought you’d stand by us, Seth. You know, ‘ he added reflectively, ‘we’ve
got a much easier job now than we should have had fifty years ago. If we’d had
to modernize a country then it would have meant constitutional monarchy,
bi-cameral legislature, proportional representation, women’s suffrage,
independent judicature, freedom of the Press, referendums …’
‘What
is all that?’ asked the Emperor.
‘Just a
few ideas that have ceased to be modern.’
Then
they settled down to the business of the day.
‘The
British Legation are complaining again about their road.’
‘That
is an old question. I am tired of it. Besides, you will see from the plan I
have orientated all the roads leading out of the capital; they go by the points
of the compass. I cannot upset my arrangements.’
‘The
Minister feels very strongly about it.’
‘Well,
another time … no, I tell you what I will do. Look, we will name this street
after him. Then he will be satisfied.’
The
Emperor took up his india-rubber and erased Connolly’s name from the new
metropolis.
Avenue Sir Samson Courteney
he wrote in its place.
‘I wish
we had a tube railway,’ he said. ‘Do you think it would pay?’
‘No.’
‘So I
feared. But one day we will have one. Listen. You can tell Sir Samson that.
When there is a tube railway he shall have a private station in the Legation
compound. Now listen; I have had a letter from the Society for the Prevention
of Cruelty to Animals. They want to send out a Commission to investigate Wanda
methods of hunting. Is it cruel to spear lions, do you think?’
‘No.’
‘No.
However, here is the letter. From Dame Mildred Porch. Do you know her?’
‘I’ve
heard of her. An intolerable old gas-bag.’
‘What
is gas-bag? An orator?’
‘Yes, in
a way.’
‘Well,
she is returning from South Africa and wishes to spend a week here. I will say
yes?’
‘I shouldn’t.’
‘I will
say yes … And another thing. I have been reading in my papers about something
very modern called Birth Control. What is it?’
Basil
explained.
‘I must
have a lot of that. You will see to it. Perhaps it is not a matter for an
ordinance, what do you think? We must popularize it by propaganda — educate the
people in sterility. We might have a little pageant in its honour …’
Sir Samson accepted the
rebuff to his plans with characteristic calm. ‘Well, well, I don’t suppose
young Seth will keep his job long. There’s bound to be another revolution soon.
The boy’s head over heels in debt, they tell me. I dare say the next
government, whoever they are, will be able to afford something. And anyway, you
may laugh at me, Prudence, but I think it’s uncommonly decent of the young
fellow to name that avenue after me. I’ve always liked him. You never know.
Debra Dowa may become a big city one day. I like to think of all the black johnnies
in a hundred years’ time driving up and down in their motor-cars and going to
the shops and saying “Number a hundred Samson Courteney” and wondering who I
was. Like, like …’
‘Like
the Avenue Victor Hugo, Envoy.’
‘Exactly,
or St James’s Square.’
But the
question of the boots was less easily settled.
On the
afternoon of the day when the new ordinance was issued, Basil and Mr Youkoumian
were in conference. A major difficulty had arisen with regard to the plans for
the new guest house at the Palace. The Emperor had been captivated by some
photographs he had discovered in a German architectural magazine and had
decided to have the new building constructed of steel and vita-glass. Basil had
spent half the morning in a vain attempt to persuade the royal mind that this
was not a style at all suitable to his tropical climate and he was now at work
with his financial secretary on a memorandum of the prohibitive extravagance of
the new plans, when the door was pushed noisily open and the Duke of Ukaka
strode into the room.