Black Sheep (15 page)

Nicole

AFTER JOB HUNTING
and putting in applications to every place known to man, I went home and ate dinner with Brian. He was still quiet, and we weren’t really talking much, but at least, he was coming out of his room now—at least, he had returned to school and was resuming his life.

His friends had stopped by a few times to hang out and play Xbox with him, and I was happy to hear laughter coming from the living room on those occasions. Things would never go back to the way they were, but maybe, we could have our own kind of normal after a while—a new kind of normal.

After dinner, and even though I was exhausted, I cleaned the kitchen. Instead of washing the dishes as we always did, I loaded the dishwasher, added dish detergent since we were out of dishwasher fluid, and I turned the dishwasher on.

The rest is history, and it wasn’t long before I found myself face to face with Tyson again. My heart was still sore from everything that had gone on over the past few weeks, and seeing Tyson and feeling the pain that came with his presence was the last thing I needed.

“Oh my God, you called Tyson?” I asked Brian when we reached the landing to the second floor.

He shrugged. “What? He told me to call him if we needed help.”

“I had it under control, Brian.”

I was angry with him for calling Tyson. I didn’t know he had instructions to call if we needed help, and it pissed me off that Tyson had told him that. Like I couldn’t take care of us. As usual, he was treating me like a child—treating me as if I wasn’t good enough—as if I wasn’t smart enough.

“It looked to me like you needed help, Nik. I’m sorry, but the room was flooding.”

I nodded, exhausted from the day and not willing to argue.

“Hey, I know you’re mad at me and everything, but do you think I could spend the night with Josh tonight?” he asked, shocking me.

He hadn’t really wanted to go anywhere recently. Once, he’d gone to GameStop with his friends to look at games, but sadly, he didn’t have any money to buy anything like usual. He took it well, even though I knew he was upset about it.

“It’s awfully late, Brian.”

I’d never admit it, but I was afraid to let him go.

What if something happened to him while he was out with his friends?

I’d be alone. Brian was all I had in the world now.

“I know, but … please, Nik? I really need to get out of this house.”

I understood.

Even though I’d been job hunting all day, the minute I walked back into the house, I needed to get out. There were too many memories—good and bad—and it hurt to be here. We still didn’t have the guts to even go into Mom and Dad’s room. It was like a shrine—still exactly as they’d left it—and neither of us was strong enough to look. I’d shut the door after their death, and I hadn’t opened it since.

I nodded. “Is his mom coming to get you or do I need to take you?”

He smiled, and I felt satisfaction for making him happy.

“She’s coming to get me.”

I watched him go to his room to change, and I went into mine. Staying home alone wasn’t something I really wanted to do, but I couldn’t keep him trapped in the house with me forever. I wouldn’t take his life away, even if I felt like I’d lost mine.

When I was done with my shower and dressed, Brian was gone. He left without saying goodbye, which I didn’t feel great about. I texted him to let him know, and he apologized right away.

Tyson was still working downstairs. I could hear him bumping around the kitchen, and as much I didn’t want to see him right then, I knew I couldn’t stay locked in my room. After standing on the stairs for what felt like an hour, I went into the kitchen to find him still working on the dishwasher.

It was late, and the kitchen was still dark, but he had a small flashlight stuck between his teeth that shined a tiny bit of light back on his face.

“I could hold that for you if you want,” I offered.

It was the least I could do.

His eyes shifted from whatever he was working on and landed on me. Pulling the flashlight from his teeth, he wiped it on his jeans and held it out for me.

“Thanks. It’s been hell trying to hold that thing and work.”

I felt terrible for waiting upstairs afraid to come down. While I was hiding, he was busy doing something for me. Coming down and helping was the least I could’ve done.

“Sorry I took so long,” I said.

He grinned up at me, and it was his natural, easy smile that I loved. My heart skipped a beat, making me take a deep breath. “No worries. You’re here now.”

Holding the flashlight meant getting close to him. Before, that wouldn’t have been a problem, but I was having issues with being near him now that I’d seen the unspeakable. Still, I moved to his side and directed the light to where he was working.

He smelled amazing and familiar—motor oil mixed with his cologne. It brought a hoard of memories back to me—tumbling through my brain and making me close my eyes and reminisce about a time when my parents were still with us, and I had nothing to worry about but making it to class and chasing after Tyson.

If felt like years since I had that life, and honestly, even though I’d experienced a lot of heartache from chasing Tyson, it wasn’t nearly as bad as the pain I felt without my parents.

By the time he finished working, it was one in the morning. After turning the power back on in the kitchen, he closed the dishwasher and pressed the button. I watched in amazement as it turned on and began to wash the dishes without spraying water everywhere.

“Wow. That’s amazing.” I smiled. “Thanks so much, Tyson.”

He cleaned his hands with a dishtowel, and the side of his perfect mouth lifted into his signature grin.

“My pleasure.” He turned away from me and wiped some water from where he’d been working on the floor. “You know if you need anything, all you have to do is call, right?”

Again, his eyes fell on me, making my chest feel tight.

I nodded. “I know.”

And I did.

I knew no matter what, Tyson would always be there, but that didn’t mean I wanted to call him. I didn’t want to bother him, and I hated feeling dependent on him.

“Good.” He grinned. “Well, now that my job here’s done, I guess I’ll head back to my place.”

He stepped around me, moving to leave the kitchen, but even though I was still hurt by him, I felt bad sending him home so early in the morning—especially since he still had his own room in the house.

Not to mention, the idea of sleeping in the house alone freaked me out. I’d stayed here alone many times before, but it was different now. The house didn’t feel as safe as it used to, and sometimes, it didn’t even feel like home anymore.

“Tyson,” I called his name, making him pause. “You should stay in your old room tonight. You’re exhausted. It’s late. The last thing any of us needs is another car accident.”

His eyes connected with mine, and even though I wanted to look away, I couldn’t. I let him see me, and I knew he could see everything I was thinking—the pain I was still feeling.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

I nodded; swallowing my nerves and making the pit of my stomach feel weak. “I’m sure.”

Tyson went to his room, and after turning everything off and making sure the doors were locked, I went to mine. But I didn’t go to sleep. Instead, I did the same thing I did every night … I let the wall drop and felt everything I couldn’t feel during the day. I laid there, and I cried.

My pillow soaked up my tears and muffled my cries, but still, it wasn’t long before I heard a soft tapping on my door.

I sat up in bed and wiped quickly at my tears before Tyson opened my bedroom door and stepped inside my room.

He didn’t speak. He didn’t even turn on a light. Instead, he crept across my room, crawled into the bed beside me, and wrapped his large arms around my body.

I wasn’t sure why I allowed it, but his warmth unraveled me, making be break once again. I cried harder than I had since the first night without my parents. I cried for everything—their loss and the loss of my life. I cried for Brian and for Tyson and all the things I’d seen. I let it all go, and he held me close the entire time.

“It’s okay,” he whispered into my hair. “Let it out. I’m here. I’ll never leave you.”

Tyson had never held me that way, but then again, Tyson was doing many things these days that were unlike him. I was seeing him in a whole new light—some of that light not showing good things. Suddenly, memories of New Year’s Eve washed over me, and I was seeing him and her all over again.

I clenched my eyes tightly, trying to fight the visions of his pleasured expression and his hands on her flesh, but they played behind my lids like a horror movie.

I hadn’t gotten closure for that night. Soon after I had returned to New York, I was being called home because my parents were dead. Part of me knew I needed to get my frustrations about that night out just as much as I needed to cry for my parents.

“What’s wrong with me, Tyson?” I asked into my pillow.

His arms tightened around me, and when he breathed, his breath rushed over the back of my neck.

“You’re sad, but I promise it’ll get better.”

“No.” I sniffed. “I mean why her? Why not me?” I asked, knowing he’d understand my questions right away.

I felt him go tense behind me, and I knew he understood I was talking about New Year’s Eve—I was talking about seeing him have sex with another girl after pushing me away.

“It wasn’t you, it was me,” he answered.

I chuckled sarcastically through my tears. “Yeah … It’s not you, it’s me. Typical letdown, right?”

“No. It’s the truth, Nicole. It’s not you.”

Another round of tears escaped my lids when I closed my eyes. “It’s me, Tyson. It’s always been me. I guess I’m not good enough for you or something. I threw myself at you, and you made me leave so you could screw another girl. Am I that unattractive?”

He’d once told me I was beautiful. The look in his eyes made me believe him, but slowly, I was falling apart. I saw myself differently than I always had, and what I was seeing was a run-down girl with a broken smile.

He sucked in a breath with my words. “You’re not serious.”

I nodded, debating whether I should turn and face him.

“I’m serious. I’m a mess—a crazy mess.”

“Nicole, you’re perfect.”

He’d said that before, but obviously, he was only being nice.

If I was so perfect, then why was he constantly pushing me away?

Why was I not good enough?

I shook my head; any words I might have wanted to say got stuck in my throat.

“It’s the truth. I’m sorry for what you saw that night. I’m so sorry, but you have to know, it doesn’t matter what girl I was with, she was always you. Whenever I was with them, I’d close my eyes and see you. I held you, I kissed you, and I drowned myself in you so many times I lost count, but no matter what her name was, she was you.”

Tears pooled in my eyes, and I tried to pull away from him, but he held me firm.

“I even called her Nicole,” he admitted.

I gasped, remembering him calling her by my name, but thinking that we’d shared the name.

“Her name wasn’t Nicole?” I asked, feeling the tears rush over my face.

“I have no idea what her name was. She told me, but it didn’t matter. You’re all I saw.”

“Then why not just be with me? It’s all I wanted then.”

Then.

I wasn’t sure if I still wanted him, but I had to admit that it felt like he was healing tiny parts of my broken heart with his words.

“Because you deserve better than me.”

I opened my mouth to argue, but the words stalled on my tongue when I felt his nose nudge the back of my neck. His breath bathed my skin with heat, sending chills down my spine.

“In my mind, you’re mine,” he whispered, sending another shockwave over my body. “You’ve always been mine, but the truth is, I don’t deserve you.”

His words broke my heart. He didn’t know how wonderful he was. Even with a broken heart, I knew he was a good guy with a beautiful spirit.

Why couldn’t he see the same?

“You are good, Tyson,” I whispered into the dark space in front of me. “I wish you could see what I see when I look at you.”

“No. There are things about me you don’t know. I know I’m not good. I know my soul is black, and the last thing I want to do is ruin you, but I can’t control myself with you. I want to. I try so hard, but I just can’t.”

My heart was drilling inside my chest, making me feel dizzy even though I was lying down.

What if I want you to ruin me?

The words whispered through my mind, but I couldn’t voice them. Already, he’d pushed me away so many times. I wasn’t sure I could take it once more.

“What is it about you? What do you do to me?” he asked.