Authors: Ben Bequer
Apogee and I hit the water first. She knelt at the edge of the riverbed and sipped water from her cupped hands, while I dove in, slamming sideways into the rocky shallows of the not so deep water with a loud thud.
“Damn!” I said coming up with an aching shoulder, covered in mud and bits of rock.
“Dummy,” she laughed.
“CANNONBALL!” Cool Hand shouted, jumping high in the air and coming directly for me.
“It’s not deep!” I yelled, and he stopped in midair, his temporal powers keeping him stuck in the same position as if halted in space.
“Huh?”
“It’s very shallow,” I added, standing up to show him the water only came to my waist.
“That was almost ugly,” Cool said, continuing forward slowly until he was high enough to put his feet down into the water and avert an injury. “Thanks for the save, dog.”
Cool lowered himself into the water and swam off on his back.
“This is the life.” He spit a mouthful of water into the air in a thin stream so that it landed back on him like rain. “Haha’s right, this stuff tastes like shit.”
I scrubbed the gunk out of my hair and face then tossed myself on the ground next to Apogee.
“You really think you can get us out of here?” she asked after a few moments.
“Bet you like me now, huh?”
“It’s your fault we’re here,” she snapped.
I sat up and scratched my short-cropped head.
“Retcon sent us to steal the gem and Tesla’s book. Then he sent us to see the alien first hand and to the machine on the moon base so we could be transported here. He wanted us to see all of this.”
“I still blame you.”
I bowed at the waist from the lying position, “you’re welcome.” Leaning back, I came to rest on my elbows. A flock of strange, multi-winged birds flew overhead, oblivious to us.
“I think the old man wanted us to see something here. That’s why he sent us to Nostromo’s moon base. He knew I’d see the machine and I’d figure out the whole gem thing.”
“See what?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “Maybe it’s on that thing.” I pointed to the tower floating above shattered world.
“Maybe there’s another machine hidden somewhere.”
“I doubt that. I think Haha’s right. I’m the way back, regardless of how impossible that machine is to replicate.”
“So we’re counting on some guy who failed out of college to help us back to our dimension, or time, or whatever,” she joked, laughing softly.
“You’d be surprised what you’re capable of when you have a gun to your head.”
“I guess. What’s so hard about that machine anyway?” she wondered, inching closer to me.
“It’s all really hard to describe,” I started.
“I love how guys make everything so complicated,” she grumbled.
“It is.”
“Yeah,” she said, “but men make it seem like we women can’t be bothered to understand. Unlike some people here, I actually got my degree.”
I leaned closer to her. “Really, in what?”
“Doctorate in Western History.”
“I don’t see you as a historian,” I said, almost absentmindedly but instantly wished I hadn’t said anything when I saw her face turn.
“Well screw you very much,” she spat. “I love history, especially the parts where men ruin everything.”
I laughed, “Lot of that going around.”
“We’d have a chance at being truly civilized, if not for you ignorant, penis-envying lot of useless misogynists.”
“So much anger at men,” I started. “Remember that this man here’s your ticket back to civilization. Oh, and I think penis-envy is a mental condition that afflicts women not men.”
“No it isn’t.”
I nodded, “it’s from Freud, if I’m not mistaken. Penis envy is something that happens to girls when they’re growing up and realize they don’t have penises. What I think you’re referring to is ‘small-penis syndrome’ which is a whole different thing. I might not have a college degree, but at least I paid attention in Psych classes.”
I leaned toward her, a sheepish grin on my face. She pushed me back by my face, playfully.
“Whatever. You know what I mean.”
“I do,” I said chuckling. “I’m giving you a hard time.”
“So about the machine...” she hinted, losing her patience with me.
“I’m still reading the book, trying to figure out how to build it.”
“We’re in good hands,” she said sarcastically, but smiling.
Cool swam over to us, interested in the conversation.
“What are you guys talking about?” Cool wondered as he swam close by. Only his head and back partially visible above the water.
“Blackjack has small penis syndrome,” she quipped.
“What?”
“Yo, if you got a problem there, B. I know a doc that’ll fix you right up. Stick this thing into your Twinkie, and you can just-”
“Twinkie?” Apogee chuckled.
“Yeah, I’m not going to call it by its name. Not going to use that language in front of a lady,” he replied bashfully.
“Both of you can kiss my Twinkie,” I said.
“B, you seriously want a dude to kiss your junk? That’s fucked up,” he said and swam off deeper into the water, genuinely satisfied with his joke.
We sat silent for a few minutes, feeling the breeze over the water. She was slightly behind me, so after a while I forgot about her, enjoying the beautiful panorama.
Small fishing boats traversed the lake nearer to the other side, where a village lay, a few huts and a long wooden dock. The only thing marring the idyllic landscape were the riders watching us from their vantage point.
The machine was all everyone talked about, and Haha was well underway collecting the materials required to build it. The only one not hassling me about it was Zundergrub, but then again, he was probably the only one of us who didn’t want to return home. He was truly taken with the place, and I had even overheard him talking to Haha about how pristine this world was as we marched earlier.
I closed my eyes and saw the Tesla/Retcon device, trying to take it apart in my head. I had gotten a better look than I dared admit to the guys, and I was pretty sure I could replicate the hardware for the most part, but how would make it work? It wasn’t as easy as they were making it sound. If you listened to Cool Hand go on about it, the whole thing was arbitrary. You had to use a pair of Tesla coils as a teleportation device.
But I knew it wasn’t that easy.
The gem played some role that I didn’t understand, with the whole cradle the focal point of the device. If I could figure out how it related to the rest of the unit, then I could make it work.
Cool Hand knocked me out of my thoughts, splashing over with a sudden look of concern.
“Yo, B,” he started. “You sure nothing happened, cause I can tell this chick likes you.”
“Cool, she’s sitting right there.”
Apogee waved to him.
“Yeah but she’s not going to remember so it’s cool. Like, let me ask you; Would you?”
“Would I what?” I asked knowing full well what he was implying.
“Tap that ass, humplestilskin, skeet skeet. What the fuck do you think I’m talking about?” he said.
I laughed, “You know, it’s not all up to me.”
“Depends, depends. What happens in Shard World stays in Shard World”
“Cool, man. You have to watch that mouth of yours,” I said, suddenly blushing, but Apogee seemed to be enjoying the whole thing.
“Sorry, Apogee,” Cool laughed. “I’m fucking with you. But you’d do it right?” he asked me.
I could feel my ears getting red, as they always do when I’m embarrassed, but I nodded.
“That’s good,” Cool said with a slow, condescending tone. He crossed his arms thinking of what to say next.
“Sure I would,” I snapped. “I’d have to be stupid not to be interested.”
“She’s nice looking, right? That body’s tight. It’s okay, B. She’s mind fucked by Z. You can say whatever you want and she won’t remember.”
I caught her smiling at me and suddenly felt fourteen years-old and huddled around a camp fire, playing truth or dare with a group of other teens.
But Cool Hand wasn’t done yet, “So we’re halfway there. This is sweet, in a way.”
“I guess now you ask me if I’d tap his ass,” Apogee blurted, surprising me.
“Sort of, but it’s pretty obvious that you would,” Cool said.
“You think?” she wondered.
“If I get mad action, and I’m a normal dude, imagine mister Viking GQ cover-boy here. He must get so much tail its sick. Am I right or am I right? Dude must have Herpes in three different languages.”
“Cool, maybe you should go check on Zundergrub,” I snapped not liking the direction he was taking the whole conversation in. I always found that talking about other women not only doesn’t make the girl you’re with jealous, but it drives them away like the plague. But Apogee wasn’t offended or bothered by the insinuation, nor was she offended by the talk of diseases, which she simply found hilarious. Her laughter was explosive, full body, and infectious. Cool had her in stitches.
“I’m just saying,” Cool went on, oblivious to my uneasiness. “Apogee, do chicks say tap that ass and shit like that?”
“Not really, no,” Apogee said with distasteful grimace. “Don’t get me wrong, we can be as nasty guys. Like, when it comes to guys we use fuckable or fine. But if he’s real hot, then we might say he’s superfine.”
“Oh, this is good stuff.”
“If you’re about to ask her if I’m-” I started but Cool quickly interrupted.
“Dude B. Chill man. This is fucking gold here.”
“I’d rather if-” my second attempt to stop him from where he was going also met with failure.
“You gotta trust me with this, dog,” he butted in. “So where were we? Oh, yeah: fuckable, fine, superfine. So is that like a ranking system? You know, like, fuckable for the dudes that you’d mercy fuck, fine are like the next stage and superfine for the guys you want to strip you naked right there. Like, superfine is worth breaking open a new bottle of lube.”
Apogee laughed, “Kind of like that. Yeah, that sort of works.”
“So...?” Cool asked, motioning to me.
“Superfine,” she said and added after a short a pause, “Totally.”
“Nice! See? I told you I was on to something. Pity she’s gonna forget all this shit. So you would fuck this dude, but what about me, I’m at least fine, right?”
“Cool...”
“B, I have to know, you know? In case something happens to you, I got your back.”
Apogee was thoroughly enjoying the whole thing. “Definitely fine,” she added.
Cool was beaming, his grin flashing from ear to ear.
“Well, my work here is done. I think I’ll give you guys some privacy to, you know, get better acquainted. And dude I recommend you pull out unless you got a rubber in one of your gadget pockets there. This chick pregnant would be like the worst thing ever.”
Cool dove back into the water and swam off into the lake, leaving me alone with her on the shoreline. Her giggling slowly trailed off and after a while, the silence became eerie. So strange, in fact that I thought she had gotten up silently and left me there by myself. I turned, but she was still there, her head cocked back and eyes closed, enjoying the breeze on her face.
I didn’t know what to say after “The Cool Hand Show” so I stayed quiet. A minute or two passed before she spoke, startling me, “We were in a hotel room.”
“Yes?”
“Did we...?”
“No,” I said. “I thought you said you remembered everything.”
“Sort of,” she said. “It comes and goes.” Then she drifted off again before continuing, “Basketball, we were watching basketball.”
I nodded.
“Do you like women’s basketball?” she asked, making me laugh aloud.
“Didn’t use to.”
She looked out at Cool Hand as well, who noticing our gaze, started acting like a clown, pretending he was drowning. But I could tell her mind was wondering, racing through the flood of memories that were coming back.
Zundergrub’s ritual had been unfinished, and apparently starting to wear off altogether, but it had caused damage.
“You bought me clothes,” she said, remembering our trip to the mall, then suddenly blushed, probably recalling when I had guessed her bra size. I chuckled, remembering her face when she saw I knew her size. But she turned away and I noticed her wipe a tear away.
“I’m sorry for everything, Apogee.”
I should have knocked her out and left her in that stolen car when I had the chance. Now this poor girl was stuck halfway across the galaxy, or in some different dimension because of me.
“I remember a dark room,” she started. “I think it was in the bottom of the rocket ship...” Apogee trailed off as she gathered her thoughts. “You were fighting them. You were fighting Zundergrub. You were trying to kill him.”
I nodded, watching the tide slowly ripple in.
“That was when he mind wiped you,” I said. And when he ruined everything, I wanted to add.