Bleed Like Me (23 page)

I swallowed twice. The jigsaw reminded me so much of Dennis I had to bite the inside of my cheek not to cry. “Thank you. I love it.”

I put the bag down and wrapped my arms around him.

Brooks smiled again. “I knew you would. I told you I'd make things better.”

I kissed him and pulled him onto the bed. “Did you remember to pick me up a cell phone?” I whispered.

He stopped kissing me. “Aw, crap, sorry, baby, I forgot.”

“But you tossed my other one and you told me you'd get a new one today.”

“I know,” he said and sat up. “But I had a lot of shit to take care of. I forgot.”

I rolled over and pulled the scratchy orange blanket on top of me.

He tugged at it. “Don't be like that. It's not that big of a
deal. What do you even need a cell phone for? We have mine.” He reached for me and I shoved him off.

“Because I want to be able to call you in an emergency.”

He combed his fingers through his hair. “I'm sorry. You're right. I don't want you left without a way to reach me.”

“I hate how we have to keep switching phones. I can never remember all these numbers. No one can ever get a hold of me. It sucks.”

He released a breath. “I don't want to risk anyone finding us.”

I turned to him. “You're being paranoid and I feel totally cut off.”

“Cut off from who?”

I pulled the blanket tighter around me. “Everyone. We live in a craphole with no kitchen, no computer, no bathroom, for Christ's sake. I work at a pizza place and you're a drug dealer. I don't talk to anyone from home except Ali, and even then it's only every few weeks. I didn't expect my life to be like this when I ran away with you.”

He snatched the blanket off me. “Well, excuse me if I see things a little different.”

“I—”

“I love you.” He threw his pillow across the room. “I hate that every day all I do is worry my old man is gonna find us. You think I wanna deal drugs? You think I wanna get caught and sent to jail? Sent to real prison for leaving the state
with you
?
I'm doing it for you. I'm trying to get you a place of our own so you're not such a moody bitch all the time. And I'm doing the best I can to make this better for you when all you do is complain and keep stuff from me.”

I opened my mouth but snapped it shut.

“I don't need this shit,” he said, and snatched his coat off the floor. “I'm out of here.”

He slammed the door open and pounded past Gary and Bruce outside. When the front door clicked behind him, they howled in laughter. Gary popped his head into my room thirty seconds later.

“Lovers' spat?” he said with a stoned grin. “Wanna hit?” He held the glass bong out but I shook my head.

“He'll be back,” he said sagely. “No guy walks out on guaranteed nookie for that long.”

I flipped him off before burying my head beneath the blanket to cry. Could Brooks really not understand how lonely I was?

When Gary pulled my door shut, I peeked out. The plastic bag with the jigsaw sat discarded in the corner. I slid out of bed and tucked it into the top of our tiny closet. I couldn't think about Dennis or Ricardo or how hard Brooks was trying to fix me. All I could do was count the breaths coming in and out of my lungs until I finally fell asleep.

•  •  •

I woke the next morning to Brooks's fingers tracing the burn marks on my legs.

“They could fix these, right?”

I raised a shoulder. “Maybe. They'd have to do some sort of skin grafting. I don't know. It might be too late.” And it certainly wasn't in our financial future.

“I like them,” he said, sliding his hand over the smooth part of the burn. “I'm sorry about last night. I know you feel isolated. I don't want that. But I don't want you hurt, either.”

I laced my fingers through his. “I know. I'm sorry too. You're enough for me; I don't need anything else. I just want us to have our own place.”

He nodded and reached his hand behind him. He set a cell phone in the space between us. “I'd do anything for you, you know?”

“I know. Me too.”

He leaned over and kissed me. “When do you have to work today?”

I smiled. “Not until this afternoon. I'm closing tonight.”

He placed the cell phone on the side of the bed. “I have a few appointments, but I might be able to free my schedule for a little while this morning.”

My heart thumped. I grinned at him and beckoned him toward me. He grinned back and closed the space between us. A loud bang vibrated the wall next to our bed.

“I told you he wouldn't stay away from guaranteed nookie for long,” Gary yelled through the wall.

“See what I mean? We have to get our own place,” I whispered to Brooks.

He nodded. “Soon. I promise. Very soon.”

“Even if it is with a scrawny chick with no tits,” Gary added, louder this time.

“Hey, Gary,” Brooks called back. “I'll give you and Bruce fifty bucks and a dime bag of weed if you disappear for the next two hours.”

I swatted Brooks. “We need that money.” Loud banging and crashing sounded through the walls. Then muffled voices and scrambling feet.

“Not as much as we need two hours without any interruptions from Gary and Bruce.”

I had an entire day off for the first time in two weeks. My body sank into the pillows and I grinned at the notion of a quiet, boy-free day. Gary and Bruce left early to work the lunch shift and Brooks slipped out of bed at eleven. He dressed quickly, kissed me on the cheek, and promised he'd be back after his appointments.

I got out of bed twenty minutes later, determined not to miss out on any of the coveted solitude of our empty apartment. But the pungent smell of old puke, barbecue chicken, pee, weed and eau de Gary and Bruce was enough to drive me from our place to a nearby Internet café.

I logged on to the computer with the intent of searching for a better job but found a message from Ricardo in my e-mail.

Gannon,

I don't even know if you'll get this, but in case you do, I wanted to tell you that Dennis misses you. I do too, I guess. I'm only gonna be here a few more months before I go to college. Dennis has been a wreck since you ran away. The only thing he cares about is fixing up the apartment above the store. It's sad, but I think he might be getting it ready for you.

I know you're not planning to come back, but could you maybe write him a letter saying good-bye or something? I know it's none of my business, but he feels real bad about how you two left things. He tried to see you in the hospital, but your parents wouldn't let him. I think they somehow blamed him for not telling them something was wrong.

So, I hope you're good and Brooks is treating you right. You probably have a great job and are really happy. But in case you aren't, you can always come back here. I know Dennis would take you back in a second. Standard hasn't been the same since
you left.

Ricardo

By my third read-through of Ricardo's e-mail, tears blurred all the words. My chest felt like it was caving in on itself. The
cashier came over and offered me a tissue. I blew my nose and stared at my fingers hovering over the keyboard. I composed three different responses and deleted them all. In the end I didn't answer him at all.

•  •  •

I had planned to see
Saw
, but after the emotional overload of Ricardo's e-mail I couldn't muster enough energy to do anything but go home. I pulled the blanket off our bed and wrapped myself in it on the couch. My eyes locked on the front door and I willed Brooks to return. I texted him to see when he would be back, but he didn't respond.

The click of the door woke me from a dark and twisted dream where I didn't pull Luis from the fire in time. I leaped from the couch into Brooks's arms, burying my head into his shoulder.

“Whoa, Gannon,” he said. “Guess you missed me.”

“It's late. Where have you been?”

He looked like crap. Dark circles under pallid skin, a T-shirt that smelled like cigarettes and body odor. “Working.”

He stepped away from me and went into our bedroom. I followed him, desperate to stay connected. Pushing Ricardo's words deep into the back of my mind.

He rustled through the plastic bags at the bottom of our closet and I saw a sandwich bag full of a white substance.

“Is that coke or heroin?”

“Why do you care?” he answered with his back still facing me. I wanted to reach out and touch him. I wanted everything to be different.

“Do you love me?”

He pulled himself around and stared at me. “Of course. Why would you even ask that?”

My fingers started to tingle, pins and needles creeping into my hands. I opened and closed them, hoping to shake it off, but the feeling was coming like a Mack truck without a driver. No stopping.

“Would you do something for me?”

“I would do anything. You know that. I
have
done everything.”

A sob escaped my lips. “I know. I know you have.”

He stepped into the bubble around me and placed his hands on my hips. “What's this all about?”

“Quit dealing. I want you to quit.”

His hands dropped. “No. You think you want that, but you don't. Not really. You need what the money can get us just as much as I do. Probably more.”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

He raked his hand through his greasy hair, and the scent of his body odor was even stronger. “We've burned through our savings. We wouldn't be able to afford to stay here without my money, let alone move out. You wouldn't eat. We'd
be living in my car. You could barely last seven hours in the car. You don't want that, but I can't give you the life you want unless I do this.”

His words lashed at me, but I refused to let it go. Not this time. Not after Ricardo's e-mail. “You could get a different job.”

“Gannon. No one is going to hire me. Look at me.”

“You didn't even try, did you?” My voice rose. “You didn't even look for a job. You just took the easy out.”

“Fuck you. I didn't take the easy out. This . . .” He waved his hand around our room. “This is hardly the easy out. But excuse me if I haven't yet managed a toehold in corporate America. It's a little hard to do that with a juvie record and a target on your back.”

“Enough about your dad. He's not coming after you. If he hasn't managed to find you by now, he's not going to. Why are you so paranoid?”

“Shut up. Just fucking shut up. You have no idea what could happen to me. You think your parents wouldn't come after me for kidnapping their daughter and crossing state lines? You think they're not out there right now hunting me down?”

“They're not. I'm eighteen. It was my choice. I left. They know I left.”

He shook his head. God, when had he turned into this? His body hummed with tension.

“I've given my whole life for you. And all you've done is complain, withdraw, and now you ask me to quit dealing. I'm not quitting. I'm not going to suffer through you pulling away from me completely because I can't take care of you.”

“I never asked you to take care of me.” Tears built on my lashes, but I brushed them away.

“Of course you did. You gave me a broken girl covered in scars and scabs and asked me to fix her.”

The air squeezed from my lungs. I stood frozen as Brooks moved toward me again, wrapping his arms around me and holding me so tight I coughed.

He eased his grip and moved his mouth to my ear. “I can't quit. I'll lose you if I quit. I know I will. I'm already losing you, but us with no money, living in my car? You'd never stay.”

“Brooks . . .” I wanted to tell him he was wrong. I wanted to assure him that it was me and him forever. But a voice inside of me protested loudly enough for me to bite my tongue.

“I'm gonna prove myself to you, Gannon. I swear to God I will make you believe in us again.”

I held him tighter and didn't say anything as he pushed me onto the bed and sank into me.

He didn't work the next day. Just stayed with me in bed after I called in sick. He pulled out the envelope of E and I popped the tab into my mouth without a word. He grinned and the shadows faded beneath his eyes.

I ran my hands over his skin and everything felt amazing. I had no sense of time or space. Just Brooks and our bodies. He pressed bottles of water into my hand and forced me to drink in between sex.

Gary and Bruce came in, but I was too out of it to care. Brooks covered me up and told them to leave us alone. The tears started about halfway through the night. I couldn't stop them. My body convulsed with heaving sobs, and even Brooks's arms couldn't take away the acute loneliness that swamped me.

“It's okay, baby. You're just coming down,” he whispered, pushing my hair out of my face.

“This didn't happen before. It's worse. It's so much worse. I'm so tired, Brooks.”

“Go to sleep, baby.”

But I couldn't. I worried if I closed my eyes, I wouldn't wake up again. Even more, I worried I'd wake up and find myself face-to-face with the shitty life we'd cobbled together. I wanted the euphoria; I wanted to feel only Brooks. I didn't want the piss bucket and the bathing at McDonald's and the Pizza by the Slice.

“Go get more,” I begged through tears. “Please.”

“No, baby. Not tonight.”

“Please, Brooks. It's the only way out. Please. Get more.”

“Only way out of what?”

“This fucking life,” I screeched.

He latched his arm around me tighter. “No. I'm not getting you more E. Not now. You just have to trust me. Trust that I love you. If you believed—”

“Shut up. I know you love me. It doesn't change anything. Get more E.”