Blind Faith (11 page)

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
                                         
***

“Serena, wake up!
 
It’s me, Will.
 
Serena…”

He gave up trying to be heard over her hysterical screaming and attempted to gather her in his arms instead; hoping, praying that somehow she would realize who he was and be comforted by it.
 
But Serena only screamed louder, striking out at him with her fists while her legs kicked uselessly beneath the covers.
 
Will barely felt the blows that landed on his chest and arms, although his cheek
stung
from taking a wild hit.
 
He was hesitant to subdue
her
for fear he might hurt her, but the main reason he didn’t try to stop her was because gut instinct told him Serena needed this.
 

She’d been helpless to fight back before, helpless to do anything but suffer through the pain and horror as each boy took his turn at her.
 
By letting her fight back now, Will believed it would facilitate the healing process that should have begun years ago.
 
Throughout it all Rufus remained surprisingly calm, much to Will’s relief, and when Serena’s screams finally s
ubsided
to be replaced by broken sobs, Rufus surprised him again by trotting over to the sliding glass windows and laying down.

Will did gather Serena in his arms then, holding her close to his chest until she gradually stopped crying.
 
There were so many things he wanted to tell her; things that had been locked inside of him for seven long years and desperately needed to be said
.  B
ut he couldn’t do it, not until he knew for sure she was okay.
 
It was quite some time before
Serena’s
ragged breath evened out and she was able to speak.
 
It wasn’t so much what she said that bothered him; Will had been anticipating this moment since he moved in, but the lifeless tone of her voice chilled him to the bone.

“You were there
,” Serena said
.
 
“
That night…in the cave, you were there.
 
I was afraid to open my eyes, afraid your friends would come back, afraid to move, to breath.
 
It was you, wasn’t it?
 
You
were
the one who leaned over me and said you were sorry.”

Will hugged her to him, overwhelmed by the memory of Serena lying there with her dress bunched up around her waist, her thighs smeared with fresh blood.
 
He thought she was dead
,
and it had taken every ounce of courage he had to drop down to his knees and find out for sure.
 
She didn’t move when he pushed the hair away from her face, but he’d felt the warmth of her breath on his cheek when he leaned over and told her how sorry he was.
 
He’d felt the sting of tears and blinked them back,
just as he felt them now.  Only this time, Will
didn’t try to stop them from falling.

“Yes,” he choked out, “yes, it was me.”
 

How was it possible to feel so cold and empty inside and still be alive?
 
Serena wanted to push herself away from him but there was no strength left to draw from.
 
She couldn’t even cry.

“Why?”
 
s
he finally managed say.

There was a short pause before Will replied.
 
“I’m not sure I understand what you’re asking.”

He was holding her so close she could hear the steady beat of his heart beneath her cheek
,
but for reasons Serena couldn’t even being to explain, she wasn’t afraid.
 
Cradled in Will’s arms, she felt safe…protected.
 
Which only proved how emotionally unstable she was, didn’t it?
 
Was she so desperate for his love that she was willing to absolve him for the violent assault he’d participated in?
 
Could she honestly forgive him after all the years she’d spent living in fear?
 
No, she firmly told herself, she would not forgive him.

Serena drew in a
stilted
breath.
 
“Why did you do it, Will?
 
How could you…h-hurt me that way?
 
How could you stand by and let your friends do it?
 
I trusted you.
 
I trusted you, but you betrayed me
,
and I…I have a right to know why.”

“No…Serena
,
what are you saying?
 
You don’t think…”

A low moan vibrated in the back of his throat; the anguished sound of it ripping an even bigger hole in Serena’s heart.
 
She’d heard that sound before, heard it echo off the walls of the cave as Will draped his jacket around her shoulders and gently lifted her into his arms.
 
The warmth of his body had enveloped her and when he’d lowered his head and pressed his cheek to hers, she’d felt the moisture if his tears against her own damp skin.

I’m so sorry.
 
Forgive me…

“Will, I…I’m so confused right now I can’t think straight.
 
I remember you were there…I remember you leaning over me and saying you were sorry, but the rest is so hazy…like a dream that keeps fading in and out.”

“Serena…”
 
Will cleared his throat, but his voice was so thick with emotion it still came out sounding hoarse.
 
“Serena, you
have
to remember; I couldn’t stand it if you didn’t.
 
You can do this, sweetheart, I know you can.
 
Just close your eyes and concentrate…”

Serena’s insides started to shake.
 
“I can’t!
 
Please don’t ask me to do this.
 
I don’t
want
to remember.”

“Shhh, it’s okay, I don’t want you to remember that far back.
 
What I need you to concentrate on is what happened afterwards…after they
left
and you were alone.”
 
Will pressed a soft kiss to her temple.
 
“I know this is difficult, but it’s important that you recall everything from that point on.
 
Think
, Serena…how did you get out of there?”

She closed her eyes and let the sound of his voice calm the mounting panic.
 
“I…couldn’t move,” she spoke slowly.
 
“I was too afraid…even when I couldn’t hear them laughing or walking around anymore.
 
I just wanted to stay in the dark by myself and let it…hide me.”

“You were in there a long time,” Will coaxed softly, “were you aware of that?”

“In a way
,
I guess I was.
 
Sometimes it felt as if they
had
just left and I was afraid they
would
turn around and come back so
pretend
ed
I was unconscious.
 
My mind would start to drift…to my family and friends…and you.”
 

Serena was surprised by her own revelation that she
had
thought of Will.
 
Was it because she hadn’t recognized him as one of her attackers or that she didn’t want to believe he’d had any part of it?
 
Had she known…somewhere deep inside, that he was the one who
had
whispered an apology when it was over
? 
And why wasn’t she afraid of him now?
 
After hearing from his own lips that he’d been there, why wasn’t she cowering from him instead of remaining passively
cocooned
in his arms?

“You said you
pretended
to be unconscious,” Will continued talking her through it, “so you must have been aware, at least on some level, when help finally arrived.”

“When
help
arrived?
 
Help
never
arrived, how could it have?”
 
Her voice grew cold and distant.
 
“How could anyone have
helped
me once it was over?
 
What could anyone say or do to
help
me after I
had
been forced to have sex with four different boys?”

“I…you’re right, Serena, there wasn’t anything that could have been done at that point.
 
I wish I could go back in time, that I could change something,
anything
, that would have prevented what happened to you.”

“They were your
friends
,”
the accusatory words
were hurled at him
.
 
“You could have stopped it but you didn’t, and now you’re acting as if…”

Serena stopped abruptly when she felt his body go rigid.
 
In spite of what she’d just told him, she didn’t doubt
Will’s
sincerity
about wishing he could change what happened that night
.  B
ut was it remorse or guilt that was causing a physical reaction?
 
She supposed the real question should be; why would she care?
 
What difference did it make to her whether he was sorry or not?
 
Except…something persisted in nagging at her, a ghost of a memory that kept tapping her on the shoulder
and
then retreating into the shadows before she got a good look at it.

“Acting as if I didn’t take part in it, is that what you were going to say, Serena?”

He sounded hurt, like someone being falsely accused, and that confused her even more.
 
Doubt began to cloud
Serena’s
mind.
 
A memory flickered, came into focus for a few brief seconds before being whisked away again.
 
Will lifting her off the cold, hard ground; the fierce determination in his voice as he carried her through the darkness and promised she would be okay…

“I don’t know what I’m saying, Will.
 
I’ve spent so many years warding off the memories, maybe they’re just not there anymore.”
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

“With something that traumatic it’s possible you may never remember,” he conceded, “but you won’t know unless you try.
 
T
he easiest thing would be to tell you what happened
,
but if I did that, how would you ever know for sure I was telling the truth?”

“But I
would
know because I trust you,” Serena replied without thinking.

“How can you say that?
 
How can you possibly trust a man you think viciously attacked you then just left you there, broken and scared and so…defenseless?”

How was she supposed to respond to that when she didn’t know the answer herself?
 
She couldn’t even think straight with so many conflicting emotions swirling around inside of her
.  A
nd now Will sounded as if he was upset with her for saying she trusted him, which only added to the muddled state of her mind.
 
She struggled to make sense of it all, but it was like trying to jam a square peg into a round hole.
 
Several minutes ticked by but Will
didn’t press for an answer.  He
seemed to know she needed time to work it out in her mind.
 
Maybe if she
had
been thinking clearer, it wouldn’t have taken her so long to realize the significance of the things Will had said.

Why was he so adamant that she remember what happened on her own when he could have given her any version he wanted and at least attempted to justify his actions?
 
So far, Will had avoided answering her questions as to why he’d done it or why he hadn’t tried to stop the others.
 
He hadn’t even tried to use alcohol as an excuse.
 
As a matter of fact, he hadn’t made any excuses for himself at all
,
which could only mean one of two things; either he felt no guilt for what he’d done…or he was
not
one of the four boys that attacked her.

I’m so sorry.
 
Forgive me…

“You asked me to forgive you,” Serena said
slowly
.
 

“Yes…yes, I did,” Will let out a relieved sigh.
 
“Is it
 
coming back to you now?”

“Not…all of it, just bits and pieces but…we were alone when you said it, weren’t we?”

“Yes.”

“Then it had to have been one of the boys that attacked me who told me he was sorry.”

“
No, it was me.  You said you remembered. 
I don’t understand…”

“Neither did I, but I think I do now.”
 
God, she hoped she was right.
 
“Just before they left, one of them leaned down and whispered
that
he was sorry.”
 
She heard Will growl at the same time she felt it rumble deep in his chest.
 
“Don’t you see,” she rushed on, “when you repeated the same thing to me tonight, it triggered the memory of what you’d said in the cave, but it was all jumbled in my mind and I couldn’t distinguish between the two of you.”
 
 
 
 

“Subconsciously, you must have known though.
 
Why else would you say you trusted me?”

Serena pressed herself closer to him.
 
“
You know why. 
Oh
,
Will, why didn’t you just tell me you had nothing to do with it instead of letting me believe such horrible things about you?”

“But you
didn’t
believe it,” he said softly.
 

Shame washed over her in unrelenting waves.
 
“You’re just trying to give me an out
. 
I don’t deserve it.”

“Serena…you wouldn’t be in my arms right now if that was true.”

She thought about it for a minute and realized he was right.
 
Maybe her mind had been confused
,
but in her heart, she must have known Will wasn’t capable of hurting her.
 
Slowly, she began to relax, and when he asked her to tell him what she remembered, the suffocating fear that usually accompanied any attempt to recall that night had nearly dissipated altogether.
 
 
There wasn’t much to tell, it still seemed more like the hazy remnants of a dream than an actual memory, but she did her best.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
                                         
***