Blood and Guts in High School (4 page)

From the USA Janey called Johnny in Merida to see if she could return

home. At one point:

Father:
Sally and I have pretty much split. We decided we'd be just

friends.
Janey:
Are you going to want to live with me again?
Father:
I don't know right now. I'm really enjoying the emotional

distance.
Janey: I
didn't mean to pry. I'm sorry. I just have to know.
Father:
What do you want to know, Janey?
Janey: I
mean . . . Well, how are you doing?
Father:
I'm being very quiet. I'm staying home most of the time and

watching TV. I really need to be alone now.
Janey:
When do you think you'll know if you ever want to live with me

again?
Father:
Oh, Janey. You've got to lighten up. Things just got too entangled. Everything between us is still too entangled for me to be with

you.
Janey:
I see. That means no.
Father:
Are you trying to get me to reject you?
Janey:
No. No. Not that. I don't want you to decide now.
Father:
Where are you staying now?
Janey:
I'm in New York City. I'm not anywhere. When I settle down,

I'll let you know where I am. When I settle down, I'll let you know

where I am. I'm going to get off the phone now.
Father:
How's your health?
Janey:
I'm fine. Fine. Listen. I have to know whether you want me

back or not. I can't stand this.

Father:
Do you really want to know now?

Janey:
I'm sorry, Johnny. I know you think it's a high school romance

like you and Sally, and we're just breaking up, but it's really serious

to me. I loved you.
Father
(doubting):
It's serious to me, too.
Janey:
Then don't you understand? How long will I have to hang on?

It's been a week since I left Merida. Do you want me to wait a month,

a year while you're going eeny-meeny-miney-moe?
Father:
I have to be alone, Janey. If you demand I say anything more,

it'll only be to totally reject you.
Janey:
I
have nightmares in my head. Either I fantasize you take me in

your arms again and again, telling me you love me. I don't know

whether I can let myself fantasize that because if it isn't true ... Or

I have to wipe you out of my mind. There is no more Johnny.
Father:
Why do you have to do that?
Janey:
I have to make a new life for myself! I have to live. I can't spend

all my time thinking about someone who doesn't love me.
Father:
I don't know what to say.
Janey:
I
don't know what to think and each nightmare is pulling me

backwards and forwards and I can't stop.
Father:
Don't let your mind drive you crazy.
Janey:
What can I do? I'm sorry. This isn't your problem. I'm going

to get off the phone now.
Father
(pleading):
Look. Don't keep pushing things. You're making

things worse than they are.
Janey:
How can things be worse?
Father:
You want to know how? AND THE MAN:

Janey called Johnny again because she needed to hear a friendly voice because she was scared.

(After a long silence.)
Father
(heartily):
Hello, how are you?

Janey
(just wanting to hear a friendly voice):
I just wanted to say hello.
Father:
Where are you?

Janey:
I'm
still in New York City. I haven't settled down yet.
Father:
I'm really enjoying living alone. I'm happier than I've been in

months.
Janey:
Oh.
(She doesn't want to feel anything.)
That's wonderful. Who're

you seeing?
Father:
I'm not really seeing anyone. I'm living very quietly. I'm going

to stay here till the end of September and then I'll decide what my

plans are.
(He wants to say, 'My plans absolutely don't include you

because you terrorize me', but he feels guilty about hurting her.)
I can't

tell you anything more than that now.

Janey
(though she wants to keep the conversation light, she's been programmed to say it):
You mean you're not going to live with me again?

Father:
Right now I
just really like opening my door to this apartment and walking into my own space. I'm going to be here through September and then I'll see what my plans are. I don't think you should bank on anything.

Janey:
I see. I guess that's that.

Father:
What do you mean 'that's that'?

Janey:
I guess it's over.

Father:
I don't know.

Janey:
Oh no? I don't understand. I just don't understand.

Father:
I
have to be alone.

Janey:
OK. So you're alone. I'm not stopping you from being alone. I went off to the United States, didn't I? You said, 'Get away from me,' and I went to another land. How far around the world do I have to go?

Father:
You were planning to go to the United States.

Janey:
I
wouldn't have gone to the United States when I was as sick as I was.

Father:
You didn't have to go to the United States 'cause of me.
Janey:
Well, I didn't know that. You said, 'Get away', and I got away.

I want to give you what you want. This all doesn't matter anymore.

I'd better go.
Father:
Do you mean you never want to see me again?
Janey:
You said it's over.

If the author here lends her 'culture' to the amorous subject, in exchange the amorous subject affords her the innocence of its image-repertoire, indifferent to the proprieties of knowledge. Indifferent to the proprieties of knowledge.

Father:
I have to be alone.

Janey: I
understand.

Father: I
have to be alone. You've had the same thing. It's like I'm on

a retreat.
Janey:
I'm not protesting against that.

TURN THE EYES AS IF I SEE SOME HOPE, I think it's wonderful to be alone. But you don't know whether you love me anymore.
Father:
That's true. It's really heavy, isn't it?
(As if he doesn't want to

believe it's heavy.)
Janey:
Yeah. It's heavy. OK
(Sighs because she's made a decision.)
If you

really want, I wait around as long as you want until you make a

decision.
Father: I
had to get away. I felt trapped.
Janey:
Well, you're not trapped anymore. You've got everything the

way you want it. There's no need to explain anything anymore.
(She's

still crying.)
Whenever you make your decision, just tell me.
Father:
If you need any money, Janey, you can rely on me.
Janey:
What do you mean by that?
Father:
If you want me to help you out monetarily, I will.
Janey
(now that she's made her decision, her emotions are gone):
You can't

just say that. I have to stay alive. I can't do anything about the

emotional . . . but I can keep myself alive physically. What do you

mean by MONEY? I'm sorry I'm being so crude. I have to stay alive.
Father:
I'll pay your rent wherever you are.
Janey:
OK. I'll wait for you and you'll pay the rent. You'll have to give

me a month's notice if you're going to stop paying it. I just have to

know. Is that OK?
Father:
Listen, Janey, will you take care of yourself?
Janey:
IS THAT OK? I'm sorry it might not be important to you how

I stay alive, but it's important to me.
Father
(evading):
I'll help you out however I can.

Janey:
I'm sorry I'm being so hard
(she thinks she's really being a little bitch)
but I have to figure out how I'm going to live. I don't want to make a thing of it, but I'm still sick.
(She thinks she's going to die.)
The phone call hasn't really gotten bad yet.

It

starts

off

slow,

stagnant.

Father
(obsessed with trying to explain to Janey he doesn't want her anymore. Trying to show her as little affection as possible):
Our relationship just got too entangled. If anything is ever going to work out between us, it'll have to work out while we're living separately.

Janey:
I said I'd wait here for you.

Father:
I've been thinking everything over and I see that we were, always out of phase with each other.

Janey:
I know. I was very selfish.

Father:
I
don't hate you. I just dwell on how good things were between us.

Janey:
It's funny. We always had this fantasy that you were the one who was madly in love, but now it turns out I'm the one.

The

energy

nsing

Father:
Why don't you just dwell on the memories of how

good things were?
Janey:
What? Now you want me to live in the past? That's

too much to ask of me. You can't ask that. Oh God is

there no end to pain? I'll do anything, anything, but

Jesus Christ!
Father:
I want you to know there's very little hope. Janey: I got the message, Johnny.
Father:
I just don't want to give you any false impressions.

Full

pain

Janey:
You've made your point.
(Howls.)
I'd better get off

the phone now.
Father:
We have to talk together. I can't talk to you over

this phone. Janey: I can't talk either.
Father:
Maybe you'd better come home.
Janey:
You want me to come home? I'll be home as soon

as possible.

Janey:
I'm calling to tell you I can't come home from New York City 'cause I'm too sick. I have to rest here a few days to get my strength back and then I'll come home as soon as possible. New York is a very hard city to live in.

TURN MY EYES INSANE, WHILE BEING CORRUPTS ITSELF,

AS A POOL OF SHAME, IN THAT HOPE.

Father:
You don't have to come home 'cause of me, Janey.

Janey:
I thought you said you wanted me home.

Father:
I just said that for your sake. I thought you were freaking out.

Janey:
Oh. Well, I won't be coming home soon.

Father:
You should enjoy your vacation.

Janey:
I am. I hate the Americans, but there are lots of French and

German tourists here and they're all wonderful.
(Gossips about them.)
Father:
I wanted to apologize about how I've been acting. I think I've

been too mean.
Janey:
Oh, I decided you were a UBH.
Father:
What's that?
(Laughing.)
Janey
(laughing):
An Unnecessarily Brutal Horror.
Father:
Well, I was confused.
Janey:
And I decided I'd sue you for a thousand American dollars for

child abuse.
Father:
I see your mind's thinking up lots of schemes.
(They both laugh.)