“Hey,” he said, shushing me. “Look, maybe it’s not too late. He’s upset, but maybe not irreparably. Do you want to go upstairs and see if he’s there?”
I recoiled at the thought of leaving the floor, of leaving Lucas’s arms when I’d waited so long to return to them.
I let my hand slide down Lucas’s flat stomach, and I flashed him a mischievous smile.
“Maybe later,” I said.
Lucas’s eyes smoldered as he caught where I was going, but then his brows knitted together and he said, “I didn’t mean it, you know.”
I turned my head to the side, confused.
“What I said that night. About not wanting to be with you. You gotta know it was all a lie. I love you. Being with you is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. The trigger thing is manageable, especially now that you’re learning to control your power. And it’s fading for whatever reason. Maybe one day it’ll be gone. Even if it’s not, I don’t care. I just want you. For as long as I’m allowed. One lifetime or a thousand. I want you.”
I wanted to believe him so badly, but something stopped me.
No relationship can last an eternity. . . .
I didn’t need eternity, but I did need a future with Lucas. If he could leave me so easily once, he could do it again. And as much as I loved him, I had more self-respect than to let someone treat me like that.
“But what about what you said before?” I asked. “You told me that no relationship was strong enough to last eternity. And I know you’re probably right, but—I love you. And I want you forever. And I know that it’ll never happen because I don’t want to be a werewolf. But I at least want you for
my
future. The fact that you could just leave me again any time you want ... I can’t handle that, Lucas. I won’t let you do that to me again.”
Lucas grabbed my arms. “Forget everything I said before I fell in love with you. I don’t even know who that person is, cuz that sure as hell isn’t me anymore. Sure, before you, I believed love couldn’t last. But now there’s nothing else on earth I want more than being able to love you forever.”
He pulled me to him, enveloping me in warmth. “I’m sorry we can’t have it,” he whispered. “I’m sorrier than you’ll ever know.” He ran his fingers through my hair. “That night in Gould . . . well, I was eavesdropping a little bit and I heard what Yvette said about picturing my life after you died. I’m not saying I want to be away from you for a month, but I did picture it. And a life without you—it’s not a life at all. It’s just existence.”
“I can’t do that to you,” I said, pulling back. “I’ll . . .”
“What?” he took my cheek with the smallest smile. “Let me change you? I don’t want that for you. I’ll sacrifice my eternity for yours.” He rubbed his thumb across my cheek. “Because I love you.”
“I’m so sorry,” I said, choking.
“I’ll be fine,” he said dismissively as he took up my hands. “You and me will go live alone in a beautiful house in the woods where nobody will bother us. Maybe have some kids, you can do your photography, I can ... well, I can do whatever I want.” He smiled and swept his palm across my cheek.
“Kids?” I croaked.
“Maybe one day. I’ve always wanted a couple. And that way I’ll have a piece of you to love after you’re gone.”
I felt a twist of sadness at that, but smiled for him.
“After we deal with the vampires,” Lucas said. “Our life will be perfect. Because we’ll have each other. And if anybody tries to tell us otherwise, I’ll set ’em straight. You forget, babe, I’m a werewolf. Nobody messes with me and mine.”
I puffed a joyless laugh. “Oh right. And when I’m eighty, I’ll try not to be jealous of your next, young sexy girlfriend.”
Lucas’s vibe was all exasperation. “There won’t be any girls after you, my match. You’re it for me.”
Lucas wrapped me in his arms again and touched his lips to mine with such fragility it made me cry. Or maybe it was because of everything he’d said. I no longer doubted the depths of Lucas’s love for me. It was bittersweet, though, because our love had to end someday—not because he would ever leave me again. No, I knew he’d stay with me for good this time. But death, inevitably, would be the end of our love. I kissed Lucas harder, overwhelmed by the odd surge of grief and love swirling through me.
He rolled over with me, and we were quickly lost in each other again. We slipped below the surface of life to a place where it was just Lucas and I, our bodies melded together, swirled into each other, riding that moment of ecstasy together.
When we would resurface, I could never know.
27
GOOD-BYE
I
watched Lucas fall asleep. My eyes begged me to do the same, but my mind was still buzzing. I needed to talk to Derek. I’d told Lucas that I would try to convince him to leave the vampires again, but I knew there was only one way he’d consider that: if he had me. And I couldn’t bear to lose Lucas again no matter what the cost. Which meant I had to say good-bye to Derek.
I sat up, dragging Lucas’s leaden arms off of me and got dressed. I grabbed my phone and placed the silver necklace I kept in my sweater pocket around my neck. Stepping over Lucas’s legs, I went outside to the bottom floor of the building where I was pretty sure he wouldn’t hear me if he woke up.
I took a long, steadying breath and called Derek.
He answered on the first ring.
“It’s me,” I said. “I have to talk to you. Meet me on the football field if you still want to say good-bye.” I hung up before he could answer, too scared that he would blow me off.
I forced myself to go outside. It was unlikely that Melissa would try to get me again tonight with dawn approaching, and as for the wolf ... I wasn’t entirely sure that it meant me harm anymore.
I walked along the winding campus sidewalks, shivering in the night air. I took my time getting to the field, planning out everything I wanted to say.
When I reached the stadium, I saw that one of the gates had been left ajar. I crept through the gate and walked the long dimly lit hall to the field. The stadium glowed beneath the moonlight. Almost out of habit, I looked up at the pale white moon, noting its fullness. It was getting close again.
A lonely black figure stood in the center of the field. His hands were shoved into the pockets of his charcoal blazer; his head was lowered, almost like he was afraid to look up.
I stopped before Derek, and he finally met my gaze. Neither of us said a word for a long while, we only looked at each other.
“You were with him,” he said finally. “I can smell him on you.”
I struggled to keep my voice level. “We’re together again.”
His nostrils flared, and he looked away, curling his lip. Finally, he looked around again. “Guess I saw that coming.” His vibe was a tangle of defeat and misery, but something else danced at the edges—urgency. “I knew I was taking a chance by hanging out with the vampires again, but I never thought you’d go back to him after he left you like that.”
“He didn’t leave me,” I said firmly. “I left him. I chose you, remember? I chose to help you, and you took advantage of me. Lucas was right. You’re relentless. And it would be sweet, except that you’ve crossed the line.”
Derek’s face crumpled into a frown.
“Derek, you know I don’t love you romantically anymore. You’ve always known it. You have to learn to accept it now.” I took a deep breath, bracing myself to hurt him. Again. “I choose Lucas. I
have
to be with him; he’s my blood. He’s my life.”
Derek began shaking his head. “If you only knew,” he murmured. “If you only knew what I’d done for you. To keep you safe.”
I drew back. “What are you talking about?”
“It’s so ironic. All he’s ever done is put you in danger, and all I’ve ever done is try to rescue you from it, and you choose him. It’s just ... so ironic.”
“That’s not true,” I argued. “You bit me. You took me on that trip—”
“The trip you
asked
to go on!”
I shook myself, throwing away my fury in a heavy sigh. “Whatever. That’s not the point.”
Derek stepped closer, expression pleading now. “I never wanted to say good-bye, Faith. That was never why I asked Katie to talk to you. I needed to tell you something, and I knew you wouldn’t meet me if I just asked you.”
Realization of what he was attempting to do slammed into me. Even now—even after betraying my trust and returning to the monsters who’d killed Heather and countless others—he had the audacity to try and turn this around on me. I smiled bitterly. “You tried to trick me out here so that you could apologize, right? To try and make me the bad guy again, so you can go on feeling like the victim because I won’t forgive you for going back to them.”
“What? No, I needed to—”
“Stop it, Derek. Stop trying to manipulate me. God, Lucas was so right! I am so incredibly blinded by guilt. Here I was thinking you were just trying to be my friend—
really
trying—when as soon as Lucas was out of the picture, there you were, moving in on me when I was ill-equipped to defend myself.”
“Faith, just listen. I wanted to talk to you so that I could warn you. That guy on Gould who attacked you was right. The vampires are coming for you.”
“I know that! You don’t think I know that? That I couldn’t figure it out after what they did to Heather? After what
you
did! I’m sure you helped them, after the way you talked to me on the phone.”
“Faith, they can hear through the phone, I had to say those th—”
“No. No more lies. No more wheedling your way around my heart. I’m done. I came here to say good-bye to you, and that’s what I’m doing. I’m saying good-bye.”
Derek’s face fell, and he stepped back from me.
“What are you talking about?” he asked.
I just stared at him, making my face convey the word I couldn’t bear to say again.
Good-bye.
“But . . . no,” he whispered. “You’re all I have.” He reached for me, draping his hands over my arms.
I wriggled away, but it was like his hands took away a piece of me when they parted from my skin. Something inside me wrenched. “Derek, I can’t be here for you anymore. I know I said I always would be, but I can’t anymore. Not if you can’t get over me.”
“Yes, you can, you can.” He reached for me again and I withdrew. “I won’t try anymore, I won’t—”
“Derek, I’m the reason you’re like this!” I exploded, unable to hold the truth in any longer. “I made Lucas bite you back in December.”
Silence for a beat.
“
Made
him?” Derek finally asked. “How could you—?”
“That’s not important,” I cut him off. “The point is that I forced Lucas to bite you after Vincent did. I made you this way.”
Derek faltered, gaping. “But . . . Lucas said he lost control.” Then he blinked, and it was as though he was seeing me for the first time. “You? You
made
him?”
Tears bit at my cheeks. “Yes. I’m the one you should be blaming for this. Not the werewolves. Not Lucas. He was crazed at the time, and he didn’t even know what he was doing. It was me. I did this to you. And I’m so sorry.”
I started to reach for him, but he recoiled, his face a wild mess of emotions I couldn’t begin to read or understand. When, at last, he turned to look at me, he was furious. “So, this is all
your
fault. I mean, when you think about it, if I hadn’t followed you to the barn ... if you hadn’t started dating Lucas.” His eyes flared. “If you had just listened to me and let yourself love me instead of him! None of this would have happened!”
An erratic, volatile energy began to flow in Derek’s vibe, but there was nothing I could do to stop it.
“And now you’ve chosen him again!” he raged. “After everything you’ve done, after all the pain I’ve had to suffer because of you—you can’t even
try
being with me.”
“I did try,” I choked. “I—I tried as hard as I could but I—”
“Shut up! Just shut up, Faith. God, you know, I came out here to
warn
you. I can’t believe what an idiot I am!” He let out a loud half-roar, half-howling sound that jarred my bones. He slammed his fists into the turf, making humongous holes in the dirt. I almost screamed, but it happened too quickly.
“You know what? You’re right,” he said, straightening slowly. “You’re right about one thing. You and me. Never gonna happen. This is good-bye, Faith. You think you’re the one who’s done? You don’t even know the meaning of the word. I. Am.
Done.
”
With that, he sped off in a blur of gray, and was gone.
Forever, this time.
28
MURDER
L
ucas and I spent Sunday morning in bed, unable to get enough of each other. I didn’t have a problem with this. In fact, those were the happiest hours of my life.
Things took a deadly turn for the worse when we left the room that afternoon.