Authors: Steve Tasane
I’d be a bit tougher and braver if she’d let me have use of her chainsaw. But I can tell she ain’t relinquishin’
that
for no one.
Mus look more like a invalid than a soldier, on account of bein’ all patched up where he got accidentally nail-gunned. But he’s brought along his spray cans, now we know we can use them as extra-lethal bug spray. And my hound Sabretooth is puttin’ on his bravest face.
Our task is to keep each other safe and protect six of the littl’uns, kids of the Mega-splatter Posse. Posses made up of a mix of dads and mums – some of the women are fiercer than the men, yeah? Kids are settled in mine and Con’s room, which has been checked and quadruple-checked for bug access. Even so, we goin’ to take turns sentryin’ through the night. Right now, the littl’uns all glued to a selection of DVDs we set for ’em. Best way to keep ’em awake, innit?
Me and mine can take care of each other. This night is goin’ to pass, easy and safe.
So this is us, five brave warriors and our dog all mobbed together in the livin’ room. Sofa pull out into one of them sofa beds, Mum and Con-Con sharin’, and I bagsied the big armchair, as I am the eldest male of the house. Mustaph lyin’ in his sickbed of cushions like a pampered princess. Sis wrapped in a sleepy bag.
Let’s play some games
says Mum. She don’ look like she in the mood for games. Her face is grey. She can’t leave her phone alone. She give Con-Con her biggest, fakest smile.
Cool
say Con-Con, snatchin’ up his game controller.
No, no, no
. She shake her head.
Together. People games
.
Con-Con screw his face up into big frown, as if to say
You is surely insane?
Mustaph say
I
’
member we used to play this game where you have to say name of a animal, like rabbit, and the next person has to say a animal beginnin’ with the last letter of rabbit, tortoise for example. Next person has to say a
‘
e
’
animal, and it keep goin’ until person can’t think of no animal that hasn’t already been said, then they
out
.
Let’s play that one!
say Con.
Is Muskrat serious? We maybe all goin’ to die tonight. He ain’t even fakin’ it, like Mum.
But we got to put on a brave face, for my bro if nothin’ else.
What about that game where you got to answer the questions, but you ain’t allowed to say
yes
or
no
.
What about that?
I say.
Mustaph shrug.
Whatevs
.
Sis, I notice, is watchin’ the walls. She is watchin’ the door. She is watchin’ the windows. Her eyes do not settle. We blocked up everythin’ we could think of, try and stop them Megas bustin’ in. But me and Sis both know they sneaky.
We start the game. Mum looks at me and she say
Am I the most beautiful mum in the world?
She always try and catch me on that one. When we was little I’d of said
Mummy, you the mos’ delicious mum in the whole of everywhere!
I give her a look and say
Mum, you
know
the answer
.
She smile at me, and I turn to Con-Con, and I say
Poo! Bro, did you just poo-poo your pants?
Oh yeah, man, the number of times I caught him on that one. But he extra focused this evenin’, and he say
I mos’ certainly did not
.
Con turn to Mustapha, sneaky look on his face and say
I bet
you
dirtied your pants when you found all them bugs coverin’ your tent?
Without thinkin’, Mus goes
No!
like it the biggest insult in the world.
Con in hysterics, rollin’ roun’, clappin’ his hands.
You out, you fool! You ain’t supposed to say that word!
Mustaph tut and cross his arms in a sulk. What a donut, gettin’ caught out by my idiot brother, first go too.
I’m listenin’. Listenin’ hard. Do I hear a
pitter-pat
?
Then Con turn to Sis and he say
I bet you’re glad you didn’t make no stupid mistake like that?
In my own head I hear it, that’s all. I am so wiped. Feel a black sleep creepin’ down on me.
Sis ain’t no fool to fall for that trick of Con’s. But she can see Mustaph been put in a deep mood for bein’ so outwitted. Kind as ever, she catch my eye – just for a sec – and answer my bro
Yes, I am
.
Con-Con shriekin’ with delight.
You’re out! Out! Oh, you guys are rubbish at this
.
But Sis jus’ bein’ the diplomat. She stand up, go and peek in at the littl’uns.
Now Connor turn to Mum and ask
Mum, who is the best-lookin’, me or Mushface?
My brother is a idiot.
Yo, fool! You got to ask a question that got a
yes
or
no
answer
.
Immediately he point his stinky finger at me and yell
Hey, Mum, Marshall loses – he just said
yes
and no
!
That’s cheatin’, Con. You know that don’t count!
Yes, it do!
Then I look at Mum and point my own finger at Con.
There, Mum! He’s out as well, ’cos he jus’ said
yes
!
Mum laugh, rollin’ on her side into Con-Con.
I guess I’m the winner
. She raise both arms in the air like boxin’ champ.
As ever!
But, you know, I ain’t had no sleep since night before yesterday. Sabretooth got his hairy head nuzzled in my lap, soft and warm. Dog sleepier than me. I’m feelin’ my eyelids startin’ to pull the wool over my eyeballs. Mum ask me a question that I ain’t hearin’, and she come kneel down next to me, stroke my hair.
Marshy?
I force my lids open. We are sittin’ in danger. My eyelids weigh heavier than borin’ old school books.
Marshy, why don’t you let yourself get some sleep? You’ve already been a hero for us. Let someone else take first watch duty
.
My eyes open wide.
Oh. And what happen when them Megabugs come?
Mum waggle her rollin’ pin front of my eyes.
They come, we start splattering. And we’ll yell out for you to wake, straight away. I promise
.
Mum, Connor ain’t goin’ to be able to watch himself. He too young
.
Boy come dive-bombin’ across the room, throwin’ Jackie Chan shapes, and makin’ the mos’ horrible racket, like it prove he can demolish a dozen of them monsters with his bare hands.
Bugs gonna eat you alive, boy
Mus tell him, helpfully.
But Mum sittin’ there strokin’ my head, nice and soft. She half lift, half walk me across to my room, slip me beneath the duvet of my bed.
She say
I’ll take first watch
.
Sound of cartoon movie
biff bam bangin
’ aroun’ the room. Kids eatin’ crisps.
’S a nice room.
Mum, strokin’ away. Me, feelin’ them heavy school books drawin’ a veil over my wakefulness.
Don’t you worry, Marshy, we’re all watchin’ for each other. You sleep easy now
.
Oh, it’s nice.
Yeah…
I’m awake!
How long I been out? Clock on the wall say 4.15. What?
I look across the room. A scatterin’ of littl’uns, propped against the wall on Con-Con’s bed, snuggled in sleepin’ bags across the floor like little caterpillars, sprawled across a bean bag like a discarded doll. Rugrats everywhere. What a sleepover.
Over by the door, slumped in a chair from the kitchen, my little bro. He asleep on duty.
I got a moment panic. Asleep on duty! But Connor ain’t got no Megabug slurpin’ away at him. Ain’t none of the other littl’uns either.
Con
I whisper, so as to wake him, but not the rugrats. Too soft, ain’t no noise at all from my mouth.
Con!
a little louder. Still ain’t no noise.
Got to sit up, get up, go and wake him. Yo, I am tired. My arms and legs just ain’t havin’ none of this wakin’ business. Maybe I’ll jus’ keep watch myself, from here, horizontal guard duty.
Out the corner of my eye, I see movement.
Oh yeah, it’s me. My legs, startin’ to wake. And my arms, beneath the duvet.
I am weird.
What is my limbs up to under there? Be still.
They won’t!
Put my hands up to my cheek in freakiness.
They ain’t at my cheek. They didn’t come. They still under the duvet, movin’ in weird rhythm. What am I doin’ under there? Pull up my hands.
My hands won’t move.
What is movin’?
Con!
I yell.
Con!
There is no sound. My tongue is asleep in my mouth. My jaw glued shut.
CONNOR!
Please, no. Please please please, no.
Roll my eyeballs down at the duvet, four lumps under there, ain’t me.
Listen.
Slurp
.
Please, no!
CONNOR!
Slurp slurp slurp.
Shake ’em off. Shake ’em off! Shake!
Nothin’.
Shake. Shake shake shake. Shakeshakeshakeshakeshake!
Jus’ four big lumps, growin’ bigger, slurpin’ away.
Roll my eyeballs up to the ceilin’. Always liked lookin’ at the ceilin’, pretend it the sky and you flyin’ high. This be the route to a different land, maybe a different planet, when I was younger, Con-Con’s age. Bedroom ceilin’ is sweet.
Hear the door openin’. Roll my eyes. Mum!
Mum! Mum! Help! Help me!
No sound. She smilin’ across the room, and put a hand down on Con-Con’s head, stroke his hair, soft. She look across at me, see my eyes open.
Awake, hey?
she say to me, soft.
Your little brother was supposed to be watchin’ over you for once. Always the responsible one, hey, Marshy?
HELP ME!
Frown fall across her face. Yes! Concern. Yes!
HELP ME, MUM!
But she stare down at her toes.
I’m sorry I didn’t believe you
she say.
I’m sorry I didn’t trust you to make the right choices. Marsh, I promise…
Please…
…I promise I’ll never let you down again
.
She kiss Con on the top of the head, smile contentedly in my direction. She is
never
goin’ to come and save me. I am screamin’ at her, yellin’ my head off, but she jus’ smile my way.
My beautiful, gorgeous son…
I am cryin’ now. I can feel the tears cool against my cheek.
She sees my tears. She steps towards me. She stops. Her jaw drops. Her eyes widen. She lunges forward.
She pulls the duvet off of me.
We both look down.
There are four of them. One on each arm and leg.
Me and Mum scream. I only hear hers.
I been shanked. Bug suckers in me, flowin’ red. They are fillin’ themselves.
They paralyzed me. They are drinkin’ me alive. I feel cool flow of blood along my veins, out through the puncture, up into their straws. Now it is
their
blood. Now it is in them.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Mum’s scream wakin’ everybody, but it does not stop the bugs from emptyin’ me.
Sis is in the doorway right away, her eyes poppin’ out of her head when she sees me on the bed gettin’ slurped.
Sabe is right next to her and
his
eyes pop out of his head too. He barks, looks up at Sis, like it her job to sort it out.
All aroun’ the room, littl’uns are yellin’ and screamin’, their own eyes poppin’ out. All of ’em starin’ at me in horror.
Connor too.
They think I am bein’ killed. I look down at the Megas, each one half-filled with my blood. I mus’ be half empty. I feel a chill. Am I dyin’, then? If I’m so cold how comes I’m sweatin’ so much? How come I’m strugglin’, but I’m still?
Get ’em off. Get ’em off. Get ’em off
. No voice.
Got no movement, other than inside, blood flowin’ outta my veins, a icy draft oozin’ its way down the inside of my arms. On the outside, I am a stiff.
Oh my God
Mum is sayin’.
Oh my God
. She grab one of the Megas with both hands and pull at it, tryin’ to tug it off of my arm. My arm moves ’cos it’s attached to the schnozzle and Mum is pullin’ the Mega back. I ain’t movin’ my arm myself. I am a ragdoll. Mega ain’t lettin’ go. Sis tugs at the Mega on my leg, makes my leg jerk.
They tuggin’ and I’m jerkin’. Arms and legs twitchin’ all over like I am a flesh-and-blood avatar.
Sabre whinin’ away. My chest hurts where my heart is. My heart is what pumps my blood but by now there ain’t much left. I am Emptyin’.
Mum bashin’ at the bugs with her fists but the bugs will not let go.
I won’t let them take you
Mum is cryin’.
I cannot lose you
.
I am a Dead-Body Marshall. Can’t feel nothin’, jus’ my heart goin’
boom
.
Mum pull out Dad’s army knife from her pocket, lookin’ at it, thinkin’. I see pink mist. What she doin’? Thinkin’ for a long time. Too long. Clock on the wall say 4.16. Prince Marshall O’Connor the First died at 4.16 in the mornin’.
Mustaph stroll up. He only jus’ woke up? He give a big yawn, stare at the wall behind Mum. Has a can in his hand. He sprays.
Hiss.
Hiss.
The room is full of turquoise fumes. My vision hazy, like a death fog. A Mega sneakin’ up behin’ Mum’s back, but Mustaph spray it turquoise. It’s wigglin’ to death. Another on the wall. Mus decorate that one too.
Mum frantic, pullin’ out the knife blades, one by one. Small blade, big blade, corkscrew where I got the Mega in the head, scissors.
Scissors. My mum usin’ her brain.
Don’t wanna look. Can’t help it. Mum wedges a bug between her knees, wraps her fist round its schnozzle, gets the scissors where the schnozzle is stuck into me. Starts to cut.
She cuts for ever. Scissors too blunt. Dad’s stupid army knife is old crock.
Sis runs in with the kitchen scissors.
Schnozzle comes away. Mum throws the bug across the room. Sabre leaps on it, and shakes it, my blood splashin’ all over the carpet.