Blue Sky Days (26 page)

Roy explained that although Nicholas was doing well and my being there was helping him stay strong and keeping his spirits up, I could jeopardize his recovery if I got sick. When I opened my mouth to argue that I wasn’t going to get sick, Roy said even though I may feel fine, by being in the hospital so much, under stress, and focusing most of my attention on taking care of Nicholas, I was weakening my immune system.

“I hardly see you eat anymore,” Roy said, his genuine concern apparent in both his voice and his eyes. “When’s the last time you had a proper meal before yesterday? When’s the last time you had a good night’s sleep? Or the last time you did something just for yourself? You’re starting to look pale, Emma.”

“You’ve lost weight, too,” Nicholas chimed in.

“Traitor,” I said to him, although it was half-hearted because I knew they were right. Nicholas didn’t eat much since he felt nauseous from the chemo, so sometimes I forgot to eat. I didn’t sleep well because I was either at the hospital in an uncomfortable chair or cot, or at home worrying.

I had started to notice that my clothes were a little loose, but I made excuses for that, as well as my sickly-looking complexion—summer was over after all, it was only natural that my tan would fade.

“As Nicholas’s doctor, he’s my first priority,” Roy said. “But I care about you too, and you have to know this is for the good of both of you. Go home, take a couple days to rest and relax, and you can come back on Friday.” He pulled a prescription pad from his jacket pocket and scribbled something. “A light sleeping aid. You don’t have to use it, but I think it would help.” He smiled sympathetically as he handed it to me, patted me on the shoulder and left the room.

“Well,” I said, pulling my tote bag from under the bed and gathering up my things that were scattered throughout the room. “Guess I’d better head home. Doctor’s orders.” I was trying to keep my tone light, but my voice broke slightly on the last words.

“Em.” Nicholas stopped me as I passed by his bed. He pulled me between his legs and rested his hands on my hips, looking up at me. I could tell he was trying to keep his expression controlled, but his eyes always told me everything I needed to know. In those bright blue depths, I saw a mixture of pain, fatigue, fear, longing, love, and sadness that had my chest tightening even more painfully than before.

He leaned his head against my stomach, and I ran my hand soothingly over his head. It was still a strange sensation—bare, smooth skin, as opposed to the soft, luxurious hair I’d become accustomed to. “I don’t want you to go,” he said, his voice slightly muffled. “But I don’t want you to get sick, either.” He leaned back, his hands tightening briefly on my hips before moving up my body to pull me down for a kiss. “We can talk on the phone every day, and you know I won’t be alone. Vince said he and Maggie would be back this week, and so did my dad. It’s not the same as having you here, but we both need this right now.”

I sighed heavily and cupped Nicholas’s face for another kiss. “I hate it when you’re right.”

“I’m always right.” The grin on his face had the tightness leaving my chest and warmth spreading through me.

“If that thought will help you sleep tonight, then okay, you’re always right,” I teased. I bent to pick up my bag, but Nicholas grabbed me and pulled me to him again for a slow, thorough kiss that sent delicious shivers racing through me.

When he pulled back, his eyes dark and his breath coming faster, he grinned again. “That should last us till Friday.”

I let out a breathy laugh and shook my head. I wasn’t entirely sure about that. I thought a kiss like that—full of heat and passion and unspoken longing—was more likely to drive me crazy than anything. “Take care of yourself, okay? I’ll call you tonight.”

“Can’t wait,” he said, reclining on the bed and pulling the covers up around himself. “You take care of
yourself
. I’m the one surrounded by doctors and nurses.”

“And I have Daisy, which we both know is the next best thing.” I bent to give him one last kiss, making sure it was quick and light, otherwise I was afraid I’d never leave. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Nicholas whispered, pressing a kiss to my forehead, then my nose, and finally my lips.

The tender gesture made me want to cry, but I smiled as I squeezed his hand. “Be good.”

The sound of his laughter followed me into the hallway, where I stopped for a minute to lean against the wall and collect myself. I rested my head on the cool brick and closed my eyes, forcing myself not to turn around and go right back into Nicholas’s room. I counted to ten, then twenty, and when I finally opened my eyes I saw Roy standing at the nurses station down the hall, watching me.

His look was one I had seen before, and told me everything I needed to know—Nicholas would be fine, Roy would take care of him, watch over him, and call me if there was any change. He nodded to me and I nodded back before pushing myself away from the wall and heading to the parking garage.

*****

I didn’t really know what to do with myself once I got back to Riverview. I had been home quite often, of course, but always with the knowledge that in a few hours I’d be returning to the hospital to see Nicholas. This time was different; I had the feeling I was forgetting to do something or that I was missing something.

Daisy had left a note in case I came home, saying she was out with Sam for the evening and wouldn’t be late. The two had been spending a lot of time together since Sam’s return, and although Daisy denied they were anything but friends, she lit up whenever she talked about him—which was a lot. She seemed happy, and since that’s all I wanted for her it didn’t really matter whether they were friends or something more.

I headed upstairs to my bedroom and stripped off my clothes. As I was about to step into the shower, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and cringed. My skin was pale and dry, my hair was in need of a cut, and my collarbones and cheekbones were more prominent than usual. I’d always been curvy, and I liked my figure—even more so since Nicholas had told me repeatedly how much he loved it—but Nicholas was definitely right about me losing weight recently. Which meant that Roy was right too when he said I needed to take better care of myself.

I sighed as I stepped under the hot spray of the shower and stood there for a long time, eyes closed, working hard to clear my mind and concentrate on the soothing warmth of the water. I washed my hair and scrubbed myself from head to toe, hoping to get the hospital smell off me so it would be one less reminder that I wasn’t with Nicholas.

When I was finished, I bypassed my closet and pulled my purple star-patterned pajamas from my dresser. Since I was going to be in for the night I might as well be comfortable, and the pajamas reminded me of happier times. Thinking of what Roy had said about my eating habits, along with Nicholas’s comment about me losing weight—then actually seeing the changes in my body—I went to the kitchen and set to work preparing dinner.

I wasn’t used to being in the kitchen without Daisy or Nicholas. I had done a lot of cooking over the last few months, but usually one or both of them was around to help and give me guidance. I kept waiting for music to start blasting from the radio, and for Nicholas to grab me and spin me around the kitchen, or for Daisy to teach me a new cooking trick or show me which herbs and spices to use.

As I sat eating my dinner at the kitchen table, it really hit me what a strange sensation it was to be alone. I had rarely been by myself since my arrival in Riverview. In high school, I had been on my own more often than not, and usually by choice. I went to class and concentrated on the work, I ate lunch alone while studying, then I went home and studied some more. I didn’t socialize; I didn’t participate in school activities, wasn’t involved in teams or sports or clubs.

Now I looked forward to the times I would be around my friends. I wasn’t uncomfortable on my own, and I could entertain myself, but if I had to choose between being alone or being with one of my friends, I would choose to be with them. It was a big change from the girl who had basically spent her teenage years friendless.

During high school, when I had watched the groups of giggling teenage girls in the cafeteria, or the couples walking through the courtyard hand-in-hand, or even the kids on my street piling into cars and going various places together, it hadn’t bothered me. I would watch them without dwelling, without wishing I was one of them, and then go back to work. There was time for that, I would tell myself. That could be me if I wanted it to be, I would reassure myself.

But even if I’d suddenly decided I wanted to be a part of the fun, I wouldn’t have known how. I was too shy to approach the popular girls, and the boys didn’t give me a second glance. I realized now that they ignored me because I wanted them to. I had spent so long trying to be invisible, trying to just fade into the background so I could get my work done, get ahead, get good grades, that I really had become invisible, even to myself in a way.

I had defined myself as the solid girl who cared more about school than partying, and when it all fell apart, the definition fell apart with it.

The sound of a car door slamming outside drew me out of my haze and back to reality. When I heard Daisy’s and Sam’s voices outside, I blinked hard, clearing all the old memories from my mind.

Things were different now. The definition of the girl I had been didn’t apply anymore, and hadn’t ever since I’d arrived in Riverview that spring. I wasn’t the same lost girl, unaware of the world around me, and hiding myself from it. I wasn’t missing out anymore—I had friends, a boyfriend, people I loved who loved me back.

I’d had more fun in the past five months than I’d had in the past five years. I had absolutely no reason to regret the person I’d been, because now I was the person I wanted to be. I was making a life for myself, and learning what I wanted from it. I wanted Riverview, I wanted Nicholas, I wanted Daisy and Sam and Vince and Maggie, and never-ending blue sky days.

I still had so much to learn, but I was no longer afraid. I knew many people feared becoming dependent on others because they thought it would mean losing a part of themselves, or giving up control. I had become dependent on Nicholas and Daisy, but I hadn’t lost a part of myself; instead I’d found myself, discovered parts of myself I hadn’t known existed.

I had learned new things, and finally realized what I wanted out of life, even if it wasn’t necessarily crystal clear. I’d had a crystal clear plan before, and look how that had turned out. Maybe I didn’t need a plan—all I needed was to enjoy life and believe that things would turn out as they were meant to, like they had when I made the decision to move to Riverview.

When Daisy entered the kitchen, her wide smile matched my own. Without a word, I stood and we met each other halfway, arms extended, embracing each other tightly.

“I’m so glad you’re home,” we said at the same time, then both dissolved into giggles.

“Where’s Sam? I thought I heard his voice.”

“Oh, he just walked me to the door, then left,” Daisy said, waving a hand casually. When I raised my eyebrows, she rushed on. “Why are you home? Is Nicholas all right?”

“He’s fine. Roy just thought it would be a good idea if I took a few days off to get some rest. He doesn’t want me to get worn down or sick, because I could make Nicholas worse and then I’d be kicked out for good.”

“That makes sense,” Daisy said. Her eyes were searching my face, probably wondering how I was dealing with being away from Nicholas, and how I would manage the next couple of days.

“As much as I hate being away from him, I think I need the time,” I said, collecting my dinner dishes and setting them in the sink. “I hadn’t really looked in a mirror for a while, but I did when I got home, and was horrified.”

Daisy chuckled. “It’s taken everything in me the past few weeks not to hover and try to mother you. But, that’s part of why I brought
this
home for you.” With a flourish, she presented a white paper take-out bag that had
Rockin’ Ricky’s Diner
printed on the front in red and gold letters. “I didn’t know when you’d be home, but thought I’d have it waiting for you. I know it’s your favourite, and I thought I could secretly try to fatten you up.”

I laughed as I unfolded the bag and peered inside to see an enormous slice of cheesecake and a plastic container of blueberry sauce. “Oh, I love you,” I said, pulling the contents from the bag and going to get a fork. I held up a second fork and Daisy nodded.

“Maggie sends her love,” Daisy said, sitting at the table and accepting the fork from me. “She said she cut the slice extra big just for you. She’s worried about you, too.”

“You guys don’t need to worry. I’m going to do nothing but rest for the next couple days. I couldn’t handle getting sick and either passing it to Nicholas or not being able to go see him.”

I opened the blueberry sauce and poured it over the cheesecake. Scooping up a big forkful, I popped it into my mouth and moaned in pleasure when the creamy concoction hit my tongue. I’d never been a fan of cheesecake until coming to Riverview, but Maggie had insisted I try hers, and it was love at first bite. She made it herself, having perfected the recipe in her parents’ bakery as a teenager, and it was a bestseller at the diner.

We ate in silence for a few minutes, and when I looked up, Daisy’s head was bowed and she was trying to hide a smile.

“So,” I said casually, stealing a fat blueberry from her side of the plate. “You looked awfully happy when you came in tonight. Did you and Sam have fun?”

Daisy’s smile widened almost imperceptibly at the mention of Sam, and her cheeks turned a lovely shade of pink. “We did,” she said slowly. She looked up, and when she met my eyes I knew without her even saying it that something had finally changed between her and Sam. I bit my lip, trying hard to remain silent until she said it herself.

“We’ve decided to be together,” she blurted. “We’re adults now and there’s nothing holding us back anymore.” Her whole face was alight and her eyes were shining. “Seeing Nicholas so sick has made us both realize how precious life is, what a gift it is. I told Sam tonight that I never stopped loving him, and he said he felt the same way.” She was laughing now, a mixture of relief and excitement and pure, unadulterated happiness.