Blue Water

f
orget what you've read about the
ocean. Forget white sails on a blue horizon, the romance of it, the beauty. A picnic basket in a quiet anchorage, the black-tipped flash of gulls. The sound of the wind like a pleasant song, the curved spine of the coast—

—no.

Such images belong to shore. They have nothing whatsoever to do with the sea.

Imagine a place of infinite absence. An empty ballroom, the colors muted, the edges lost in haze. The sort of dream you have when you've gone beyond exhaustion to a strange, otherworldly country, a place I'd visited once before in the months that followed the birth of my son, when days and nights blurred into a single lost cry, when I'd find myself standing over the crib, or rocking him, breathing the musk of his hair, or lying in bed beside Rex's dark shape, unable to recall how I'd gotten there. As if I'd been plucked out of one life and
dropped, wriggling and whole, into another. Day after day, week after week, the lack of sleep takes its toll. You begin to see things that may or may not be there. You understand how the sailors of old so willingly met their deaths on the rocks, believing in visions of beautiful women, sirens, mermaids with long, sparkling hair.

The crest of a wave becomes a human face, openmouthed, white-eyed, astonished. The spark of a headlight appears in the sky, edges closer, fades, edges closer still. There's a motion off the bow, and I clutch at the helm, catch myself thinking,
Turn!

But, eventually, I learn to let my eyes fall out of focus. Blink, look again. Wipe my sweating face. There is nothing out there but gray waves, gray waves.

Clouds. A translucent slice of moon.

Space.

 

We alternated watches, Rex and I: four hours on, four hours off. We had a ship's clock that rang out the hours. We had charts and a sextant, a handheld GPS. We had an outdated radar system; we had a small refrigerator, a water maker, clothing and books sealed in plastic wrap. We had five hundred pounds of canned goods, nuts, dried fruit and beans, powdered milk.

We had a ship's log, where we jotted down notes: latitude and longitude, course and speed, wind direction, weather, unusual observations.

We had a float plan, which we left with my brother, Toby; he posted it in the fish store, on the bulletin board behind the cash register. People stopped by with farewell gifts: cookies sealed in Tupperware, a book of crossword puzzles, religious cards, funny cards, cards simply wishing us well. Everyone in Fox Harbor knew
why we were leaving, of course, and this was another reason why I'd agreed to rent our house and move onto the sailboat Rex had bought in Portland, Maine. Our first destination was Bermuda, our ETA three to five weeks. From Bermuda, we'd continue southeast to the Bahamas, island-hop down to the Caicos. Perhaps we'd winter over in Puerto Rico. Or perhaps we'd cross the ocean to Portugal—who could say? We might even head to Panama, pass through the canal, find our way north along the coast to the Mexican Bajas. So much depended on weather, on wind. On our own day-to-day inclinations.

The plan, Rex liked to tell people, is not to have a plan.

It had always been Rex's dream to live aboard a sailboat, and
Chelone
was exactly the boat that he had wanted. A blue water boat, he called her. A boat built to sail around the world. He'd grown up on Cape Cod, sailing with his father; at twenty, he was captain of his college sailing team, and before heading west to Madison for law school, he'd worked as a mate aboard a private schooner, cruising the Virgin Islands. On cold winter nights as we lay in bed, listening to the east wind screaming off Lake Michigan, he'd tell me about the islands he'd seen, casuarina trees and pink sand beaches, sailboats at anchor outside each rustic harbor. Passing these boats, you'd see dogs racing from bow to stern, bicycles lashed to the safety lines, laundry fluttering from the rigging. Entire families spent their whole lives just cruising from place to place, dropping anchor wherever they chose. No bills to pay, no responsibilities. You didn't like your neighbor, no problem, you sailed away.

Maybe, he'd whisper, his breath warm against my neck, we could do the same thing someday.

I like our neighbors fine, Rex.

Seriously.

I am serious.

At the time, I couldn't imagine saying good-bye to Toby, to my friends at the accounting firm where I worked, to our fieldstone house overlooking the lake, to the small, Wisconsin town where I'd been raised. Still, after years spent trying to conceive a child, after the shots and surgeries, the herbal teas, the special masses; after trying to adopt the infant of a teenage girl who changed her mind, I started to pay more attention whenever Rex talked about heading to sea. I leafed through his copies of
Practical Sailor,
his scrapbook of sail plans and hull designs. I studied the glossy brochures he received from boat builders around the world. I'd always enjoyed sailing, and though I'd only sailed on the Great Lakes, I figured that the ocean couldn't be all that different. Water was water, after all. You wore a life jacket. You learned to hang on.

Then, one week before my fortieth birthday, I discovered I was pregnant with Evan. After eleven years of marriage, we were finally—unexpectedly—about to have a child. Our plans no longer belonged to us, and the truth was that we gave them up eagerly. We wanted to make sacrifices. We wanted to shake our heads ruefully, saying,
But then we had the baby so we couldn't
…

Six years later, our lives changed again, when Evan was killed in a car accident involving someone I'd known since grade school. Someone whose birthday parties I'd attended. Someone who, the summer I turned sixteen, became my closest friend before our lives diverged, abruptly, the way the lives of young girls do. Someone who'd left her family's farm to marry a man much older than herself and build a magnificent house on the lake that was featured in magazines. Someone who, twenty years after that, was driving her own three daughters to school when her life intersected with my own once more, this time irrevocably, permanently.

It was 7:55 in the morning. It was three weeks before Christmas, 1999. Crows rose out of a hawthorn bush as I slowed for the right turn onto County C, glossy feathers like fingertips, stroking the milky air. The thin black swoop of telephone wires. The smell of Evan's cough drops, eucalyptus flavored, sweet. He'd been out of school since Thanksgiving, confined by a stubborn case of bronchitis, and I still had my doubts about whether or not he was quite ready to go back. But he'd begged, cajoled, pleaded, not wanting to miss any more school, and the truth was that I was just as eager to return to work. My cubicle, across from my good friend Lindsey Steinke. My files, my favorite coffee mug, my ergonomic chair. Though I'd worked from home when Evan was younger, I never got as much done in the breakfast nook we referred to, generously, as my
office,
as I did when surrounded by colleagues, friends, everybody red-eyed and commiserating over the end-of-the-year crunch.

“If your cough starts acting up,” I said, “ask Mrs. Hochman to let you see the nurse.”

Evan said, “Do you know what they call a group of crows?”

“Promise me,” I said, accelerating onto the straightaway, and he said, pieces of cough drop clicking against his teeth, “A
murder
of crows.”

“Is that right?” I said.

He said, “Do you know what they call a group of buzzards?”

We lived just a few miles from the elementary school, which was new; beside it, the middle school was still under construction. In a matter of just a few years, County C—which ran east and west—had evolved from a sleepy back road into a busy rural highway. At the remains of the old brick schoolhouse, where my grandparents learned their ABCs, a second highway, known as the Point Road, ran to the north and south. This intersection had always been
dangerous, County C yielding the right-of-way, which meant you had to slow just as the slope of the hill pulled you forward. But with the schools coming in, C had gained, at last, the upper hand. Now you could ride the curve, down and down, passing beneath the flashing yellow light, until you reached the foot of the hill. Weekday mornings, cars lined up a quarter mile to turn into the school yard, everybody dropping their kids off at the flagpole in front of the principal's office.

That morning, we were running late, Evan and I. The roads were strangely empty. The power had gone off during the night—nothing much, just a blip—but enough to disable our bedside clock and, with it, the alarm.

“Let me drop Evan on my way to work,” Rex said, watching me fly around the kitchen like a madwoman, but it wasn't on his way. Rex's law firm was in Milwaukee, while Lakeview Accounting was right in Fox Harbor, three doors from the fish store, five minutes from Evan's school.

“It's okay,” I said. “We'll get there.”

We'll get there
. Looking back, it strikes me as an odd thing to have said. Because, of course, we didn't.

I was coming up on the intersection when the old brick schoolhouse caught my eye and, just beyond it, headlights. People tended to forget that the Point Road, now, had the posted yield. That's why I observed those lights, noted them, tucked them away in my head. That's why I made absolutely certain that the vehicle, an SUV, was slowing deliberately, significantly, before I let myself glance away.

“A group of buzzards is a wake,” Evan said, and I grinned at him in the rearview.

“I used to know that one,” I said.

“What about a group of magpies?”

He'd been born, so it seemed to us, loving words. He'd been reading since the age of two. For the past few weeks, he'd been writing little stories as he lay on the couch, his smooth, narrow chest slick with Vicks.
How do you spell marsupial?
he'd asked me one morning, and I'd had to call Rex at work, smothering my laughter, whispering into the phone so that Evan wouldn't hear.

“How
do
you spell it?” Rex had said.

“What the hell is it, anyway? A monkey, right?”

“No, a kangaroo.”

“I thought a kangaroo was a kind of rat.”

There I was in the kitchen, doubled over with laughter and pride. Above the sink, the cuckoo clock chimed. Already, the gods had closed their eyes.

More crows rising, wheeling. The blinking yellow light ahead absorbed as if by cotton. My mind busy with the day to come, the work that was waiting for me, Christmas shopping. Would we visit my parents in Florida this year? Rex still didn't know if he'd be able to take the time. Already, it was the third of December. We hadn't reserved our flight.

“A ponder of magpies?” I guessed, and Evan said, “A gulp,” and I was lying under bright lights, my neck immobilized, naked from the waist up. I do not remember the moment we were struck. I do not remember Cindy Ann Kreisler—I'd known her as Cindy Ann Donaldson—continuing to accelerate after hitting Evan and me, pushing our Taurus twenty feet along the Point Road before we spun free, flipped 180 degrees, plunged down into the gulley. Evan's neck was broken. I broke my right ankle and the bridge of my nose, cracked several ribs, bit through my tongue. Cindy Ann's three daughters were treated for minor bumps and bruises, while Cindy Ann herself
complained of a stiff neck, a headache that—she told a triage nurse—was probably
just a hangover
. Her blood alcohol level, determined two hours after the crash, was barely within Wisconsin's legal limit.

Why hadn't any of the officers at the scene administered a Breathalyzer promptly? Why had it taken a nudge from that triage nurse to get it done? We would learn, Rex and I, that Cindy Ann had been argumentative, angry, cursing the paramedics who examined her daughters as they crouched by the roadside, stunned, hugging their school backpacks. Eventually, one of the officers, Randy Metz, had confined her to his squad car. He was a slow-eyed, heavyset, awkward-looking man, someone who, like Cindy Ann, I'd known since childhood. In court, he would say that no one had tested Cindy Ann because, well, they'd been busy with the injured.

And after the paramedics arrived?

“To be truthful,” Randy said, looking directly at me, “it never did cross my mind. You just don't guess a person like that has anything to drink about so early in the morning.”

 

I took a leave of absence from Lakeview Accounting, then extended it, extended it again. Even after the swelling in my face had subsided. Even after I could sleep lying down, hobble around the house. The live-in nurse we'd hired went home. Rex went back to work. My father returned for my mother, who'd stayed on after the funeral to help. She did not fly—refused to even consider it—so the two of them drove all the way back to Miami, to the planned community where they'd retired: identical townhomes with red tile rooftops, sidewalks spooling around a series of landscaped preserves. Three times a week, then twice, then once, Toby drove me to physical therapy in Horton while his girlfriend, Mallory Donaldson, filled in
for him at the fish store, manning the register, answering the phone. We did not talk about Mallory, who just happened to be Cindy Ann's youngest sister. We did not talk about the accident, or Evan, or anything else, for that matter. At the time, I was not yet angry. Shame had lodged itself in my throat, a lump that could not be swallowed. How could I have survived, and with relatively minor injuries, while my six-year-old child, in his top-rated booster seat, died after reaching the hospital?

I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't pick up the phone. Neighbors stopped by with casseroles, but I did not let them in. Even when Lindsey circled the house, calling at the windows, I kept silent. I couldn't imagine facing people, accepting, with grace, all their genuine sorrow for Rex and me. And when I finally did venture out again, I was careful to avoid the lakefront park, the Cup and Cruller Cafe, the bicycle path that wound along the bluff, places where, holding Evan's warm hand, I'd occasionally encountered Cindy Ann.