Blurred Lies (The Blurred Series Book 1) (20 page)

The weeks that followed my first time with Ryan were some of the best of my life. I only wish my parents were around to see how happy he makes me. If they were, I could say with certainty that I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

The morning after that first night, I decided to log on to my laptop to do some writing jobs, but when I opened the web browser, the chat room automatically opened as my homepage, alerting me to a new message in my inbox.

You have 1 new private message.

From: OffLand18 at 01:46am

Hi Dove,

Where do I begin? I’ll start with I’m sorry. For everything. For not being the guy you needed me to be. For the way I ended things between us. All of it.

This isn’t a plea for us to go back to the way things were. I believe you are better off without me. I hold you back, and you should be free to fly.

Now we’ve had some distance, I know that great things are going to happen for you. Maybe they’re even happening right now, but they don’t, and won’t, include me. I’m wrong for you, for so many reasons.

You’re going to fall in love with someone who will be everything you need him to be and more. You deserve that and I hope that love finds you soon. I think it will.

Now I’m not keeping you from your life, you’re finally free to live it.

I’ll miss our daily conversations, but I’ll be happy in the knowledge that you’re getting the most out of each and every day. We both know life is too short, so go live it.

I’ll never forget our time.

Goodbye, my little dove.

It’s time to spread your wings x

His words made me cry for a long time that morning, but when I was finally able to regain control of my emotions, a sense of closure came over me.

Maybe it’s because I’m so in love with Ryan, or maybe it’s because I’m finally going out and living, or maybe it’s all of it, but I don’t have the desperate need to talk to Land any longer.

Like him, I’ll never forget our time, but I think I can look back on it fondly, without regret, and smile. I only hope he can do the same. I wish I knew he was as happy as I am. I want him to have a love like ours. He deserves that, too.

I never responded to his last message, deciding a clean break would be for the best, but sometimes I really want to ask how he’s doing. Check on him. But I fear that would only be a step backwards for the both of us.

Ryan still hasn’t said he loves me, but I feel it. I know he does. I just don’t know what’s holding him back from saying the words.

I’ve decided I’m okay with it. I’m not going to push him, so I haven’t said it either. We show each other every morning when he sneaks into the bathroom while I’m in the shower, having conveniently left the door unlocked, and every night when we sneak into each other’s beds like naughty teenagers.

The words are always there on the tip of my tongue, begging to be said. When he’s kissing me I want to whisper it, and when he’s inside me I want to scream it. It’s like the ultimate test of self-control, not telling the man I love that I love him. Not begging him with my eyes to say it back.

It’s fine. I don’t need his words. I only need him.

It’s perfectly fine.

* * *

“Elliott, hey!” I practically squeal as I round the counter and give him a tight hug.

Elliott has become one of my closest friends and he comes into the café at least once a week to chat on my break and spend the afternoon writing at one of the tables. He self-published his first novel a couple of weeks ago, and now he’s working on the sequel since the reviews have been so good for the first. I couldn’t be happier for him.

Ryan isn’t exactly thrilled that one of my best friends is an attractive, heterosexual male who, in fact, wanted to date me, but since it would be hypocritical of him to stop it (since he told me I should be going out and meeting new people rather than chatting online), he stays quiet on the subject...most of the time.

“Hey, Nat. How’s my favorite girl doing?” he asks, releasing me from his tight grasp.

“I’m great. How’s the new novel going?”

“Writer’s block is a bitch with a capital B,” he states with exasperation, reminiscent of that first day we met.

“Oh, really? That sucks. Go grab a table and relax, I’ll get your coffee and be over in a minute for my break.”

He gives me a nod and heads outside to his usual table. It will soon be too cool out there to enjoy, with the end of summer fast-approaching.

When I get to his table a few minutes later with our coffees and a slice of chocolate cake for us to share, Elliott beams at me.

“Thanks, Nat. That looks delicious.”

“I thought we could share it. I’m not that hungry, but it looked too good and I thought it might cheer you up.”

“You’re too sweet. Thank you.”

“So writer’s block, huh? When did that start?” I ask.

“I don’t know. It’s like I got through the first six chapters and then...nothing. Every word feels like a struggle. Nothing’s flowing anymore,” he explains.

“Maybe you need to take a break. Just totally forget about writing for a week or two.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. Keeping up with the social networking for the first book is taking up all my free time right now, anyway. But I don’t want to leave it too long to write the next installment. Readers will lose interest.”

“I think you’re worrying about it too much. It can’t be helping the creativity.”

“I know. How about we go out and do something for a day together? When’s your next day off?” he asks, hopefully.

I cringe. I would love to spend the whole day out doing something fun with Elliott, but I don’t know if Ryan would be too happy about it. He would definitely not stop me; he’s not some possessive asshole, but I know he’d be uneasy about it the entire time, and I don’t want to make him feel that way. The situation is somewhat different, but I certainly wouldn’t be cool with him spending a whole day out with Tina.

I shudder at the mere thought of it.

“I’d really love to, Elliott, but I’m not sure it’s the best idea. My relationship with Ryan is still so new. He wouldn’t stop me, but I don’t want to upset him.” I try my best to explain the situation, but it never sounds the same coming out of your mouth as it does in your head, so I have no idea if he’ll understand.

“Don’t look so worried, Natty. I get it, really. I can’t say I’m not disappointed, though.”

The look on his face makes me feel so bad. It almost makes me wonder if he really is okay with us just being friends.

“Thank you for understanding...and I’m sorry.”

“No worries. So how are things going with Ryan?” he asks with genuine interest as he takes a bite of the delicious chocolate cake.

“Really great. He’s so good to me. I’m really happy,” I gush.

“I can tell. I’m happy for you. But if things don’t work out, you know where I am,” he says without humor.

Oh, jeez.
Does he mean what I think he means? I guess I wasn’t far off when I thought he might still want more than friendship.

Not willing to increase the awkwardness between us and risk our friendship, I laugh it off and take a huge gulp of my still-too-hot coffee.

“Maybe you, Nate and Ryan should come to my place for dinner one night. Or we can go out for drinks or something.”

I like this direction; all doing something fun together. Maybe if Ryan and Elliott get to know each other better, I won’t have to tip-toe around the situation any longer. An idea begins to form.

“Actually, it’s my birthday this weekend. Maybe we can all go out to celebrate it?” I suggest with a little too much excitement. I’ve never gone out to a bar or anything with a group of friends for my birthday. I know, it’s pitiful, considering I’m already twenty-one.

“It is? Well you kept that quiet. That sounds like a great idea,” he says before taking a sip of his drink.

“Great, well I’ll talk to the guys tonight. I’ll invite Calli and Tara, too. It’ll be so much fun.” I give a small clap of my hands in celebration, like an excited child.

“Awesome. Just let me know the details and I’ll be there. Now are you going to help me eat this cake or what?”

I flash a huge smile at him before grabbing my fork and attacking the sugar-infused treat.

This will be a great birthday!

Waking up on my twenty-second birthday, I’m filled with conflicting emotions. I’m so excited for our night out this evening and my first birthday as Ryan’s girlfriend; my first birthday with any boyfriend. But I’m filled with sadness for my first birthday without my parents.

My mom always woke me up with breakfast in bed and a gift to open on every birthday. My dad always cooked that breakfast. It makes me sad to think I’ll never wake up to Mom’s smiling face again, or taste my dad’s pancakes.

Just as I’m trying to shake these heavy thoughts, my bedroom door swings open and in stride Ryan and Nate, looking particularly pleased with themselves.

I notice the tray in Ryan’s hands and the gifts in Nate’s and it makes me smile and tear-up at the same time.

“Happy birthday!” They both shout in unison and I cover my mouth to stop the sob escaping.

They both dash to my bedside, concerned looks shared between them.

“Little N, I’m sorry. We thought this would make you happy,” Nate says, setting the two gifts on the bed then sitting down, stroking my back in a soothing gesture.

“Baby, please don’t cry,” Ryan says softly, as he sets the tray on the bedside table and kneels next to me, taking my hand in his.

“I’m sorry,” I say between hiccups. “This makes me so happy. I was just thinking how Mom used to do this before you came in here. I’m overwhelmed is all,” I explain with an undignified sniff.

“That’s totally understandable sweetie. Let me go get you some tissues,” Nate offers as he gets up and heads to the bathroom.

“I hope we can make today a happy memory for you,” Ryan says before giving me a soft, chaste kiss that soothes my emotions.

“You already have,” I say through a watery smile.

Nate re-enters the room then, handing me a bundle of tissues for me to dry my face and blow my nose with. I hand the used tissues back to him when I’m done, like I used to when I was sick as a little girl, and he takes them with a grossed-out look on his face, swiftly throwing them in the waste-paper basket.

“Here, open your gifts, Birthday Girl,” Nate says, handing me the neatly wrapped packages and resuming his position on the edge of my bed.

I smile, a little brighter this time, thankful that the tears have dried up, and take the gifts from him.

“That one’s from me.” Nate gestures to the rectangular gift I’m about to unwrap.

When I peel back the paper to reveal the front of the box, my eyes go wide.

“Nate, this is too much. An iPad? This is so expensive!” It’s the latest edition and must have cost a small fortune; well, a fortune to me, anyway.

“I can afford it, don’t worry. You’re welcome.”

“Oh, my gosh. Sorry. Thank you!” Dropping the box on my lap, I reach for Nate to give him the biggest hug ever. My smile is so huge, it’s hurting my cheeks.

“Figured you could use a bigger screen to read your smut on,” he says into my shoulder as I squeeze him tightly. I can feel the shudder of his laugh.

Pulling away, I give a mock-scowl.

“It is not smut!” I state, smacking him lightly on the arm as my cheeks flush.

We’re all chuckling as Ryan takes his present from my lap and hands it to me.

Without another word, I tear at the neat wrapping, excited to see what he got me. When I see the black velvet box, I guess at jewelry, but it’s shape is giving nothing away. I give Ryan a coy smile, and he gives one back.

Nestled within the box is the most beautiful charm bracelet I’ve ever seen. It’s white gold with intricate opal and pink quartz detailing along the chain. I silently remove it from the safety of its case and examine the charms one by one.

A small gasp escapes as I take in each delicate piece. Every single one has a special meaning to me.

A book, a tiny open laptop, a vintage truck, a motorcycle, a heart, and...
a dove
.

My heartbeat races. How does Ryan know about my online username?

I focus on the dove, examining it closely, and see a tiny olive branch in its beak. Ryan notices where my focus lies.

“It’s a dove of peace. I guess I put it on there as one final peace-offering for being such an asshole when we were younger. I’ll never stop trying to make up for that, though,” he explains with regret lacing his words.

Okay, that makes more sense. Now that that’s cleared up, the feeling of awe seeps back in and I can’t believe how thoughtful this gift is.

“I love it, Ryan,” I say, tears welling in my eyes for a different reason this time. “Thank you. I’ll never take it off.”

He takes the bracelet from me and gestures for my wrist so that he can fasten it.

I examine the intricate jewelry on my wrist for several moments, just admiring its beauty and meaning.

Nate breaks my trance, clearing his throat.

“Okay, well I’ve got a lot of work to get done before the festivities tonight. You two behave while I’m gone. Happy birthday, again, Natty,” he says, kissing me on the forehead before making his exit.

He’s leaving us alone in the apartment. It’s not the first time since our plan played out, but it is still a rarity. I think he’s finally accepted that I’m an adult in an adult relationship. I can tell it’s still not easy for him, though.

“This is the most beautiful gift I’ve ever received. I don’t even know what to say.”

“Don’t say anything.” With that, Ryan pulls the blankets off and climbs on top of me, kissing me gently at first, then harder.

“What about my birthday breakfast?” I ask between kisses, smelling the sweet pancakes and coffee on my bedside table.

“You can eat it after your birthday orgasm.”

Oki doki.

* * *

When Calli arrives that evening, I’m a hot mess. I have no idea what to wear. I don’t have much in the way of evening-attire and haven’t had time lately to go shopping for a new outfit.

“Don’t worry, my dear. Calli’s clothing boutique has arrived.” Callie strides in, looking drop-dead gorgeous in a tight black dress and killer heels that elongate her already-long legs. She’s holding an armful of garment bags, coming to my rescue having received several panicked text messages from me earlier.

“Oh, thank God! Do you want a glass of wine? I’ve had one. I might have another. I’m a basket-case.”

“Calm down, Natty. Pour me a glass and meet me in your bedroom.”

I kind of love how bossy she can be. I need bossy right now.

When I enter my bedroom with two glasses of Pinot Grigio, Calli has several dresses draped across my bed and multiple shoe options lined-up on the floor.

“Wow, these dresses are beautiful. Are you sure you don’t mind me borrowing one?” I ask with trepidation. They look expensive and if I spill a drink on one, I’ll be mortified.

“I don’t mind one bit, darling. I have too many dresses to count. I didn’t even realize I had half of these until I went on a search for a perfect fit for you.” She waves one hand in a gesture of nonchalance.

“Well, I really appreciate it. I have no idea what to wear to a bar. I’m the worst twenty-two year old ever. Are you sure one of these will fit? You’re a lot more...svelte than I am,” I say, looking down and back at my sizeable behind.

“Nonsense. You are shorter and a little more curvy, so they will hang differently on you, but we are about the same dress size, I am sure,” she explains.

“Okay, let’s get started, we don’t have much time,” I say with a little more excitement in my tone. I have confidence Calli will make me look presentable for an occasion such as this.

She just has to!

* * *

“Sweet Jesus!” Ryan exclaims as he stares at me.

“Turn around, go back to your room and put some clothes on,” Nate demands as I stroll, nervously, into the kitchen with Calli at my side.

Thank God for Calli!
She dressed me in a Grecian-style white mini-dress with a beaded neckline, fitted bodice, and flowing skirt that hits me mid-thigh. I paired it with some gold peep-toe heels and a matching clutch bag, which Calli has assured me look classy and not like I’m going to a fancy-dress party.

“Behave, Nathan. She looks beautiful. Don’t you agree, Ryan?”

Silence.

“Ryan?!” She snaps her perfectly manicured fingers at him, making me laugh.

“What?... Yes! Absolutely. Amazingly beautiful,” he murmurs, slowly coming out of his trance. “Perfect,” he says, taking my hand and pulling me in for a kiss, which soon becomes a little too heated for our present company.

A throat clears.
Nate
.

“All right, that’s enough of that. Let’s go before we’re late.”

* * *

As we enter the upscale looking bar twenty minutes later, I can’t help the nervous tremble in my legs. I’ve never really done this before. I’m suddenly so thankful for the family and friends I have around me.

Every recluse needs a good support system.

We approach the bar and Elliott is already here with Tara, perched on barstools and sipping their first drinks, chatting it up.

“Happy birthday!” Elliott yells when he spots us, rising from his seat and opening his arms for a hug.

I almost break into a run to get to him, wanting to hide my face in the crook of his shoulder from the embarrassment of being the center of attention now.

Thanks Elliott.

Ryan reluctantly lets go of my hand so that I can hug Elliott and then Tara, who promptly offers to buy my first drink.

Ryan swiftly puts the kibosh on that idea, stating that he’s buying the first round on his girlfriend’s birthday. “It’s only right,” according to him.

Whilst the rest of the gang are at the bar ordering drinks, Elliott hands me a small, lilac gift bag, like those you see at hand-made jewelry stores.

“Sorry it’s not wrapped. I got it last minute. I had a hard time picking something out. This just made me think of you, for some reason.”

I untie the ribbon drawstring and pour the contents into my palm. I see nothing but a pool of silver chain, so I grasp it between my thumb and forefinger, holding it up so that I can see the delicate item in its entirety.

I gasp when I see a small dove pendant hanging from the dainty chain. Its resemblance to the charm on the bracelet that Ryan gave to me is quite remarkable, but there are some differences; most notably, the lack of an olive branch in the bird’s tiny beak.

“It’s beautiful, Elliott. Thank you. Will you help me fasten it?” I say, handing the necklace back and turning around, holding my blonde waves over one shoulder.

This coincidence has me somewhat unsettled, but I decide to put it to the back of my mind and enjoy my birthday.

After two cosmopolitans, I’m feeling pretty tipsy, especially since I also had a glass and a half of wine before getting dressed. I’m having such a great time and the alcohol has really helped me relax and enjoy being here with everyone.

I think I have a high-tolerance for alcohol, but I should probably slow down; I need to keep my head on straight. This is an unknown environment for me, and I want to be aware of my surroundings. If anyone yells “shots”, I might sneak off to the bathroom.

After a much needed glass of water, Calli, Tara and I head onto the small, crowded dance floor. Apparently it’s usually filled with tables for diners, but on weekend nights it’s cleared for us drunk people.

After about five minutes of shaking our behinds, I feel a hand creep around my waist and Calli gives me a look that tells me it’s not Ryan’s hand now moving down towards my bare thigh.

I spin around and give the sleazy guy a push to get him to back off. His big frame doesn’t move much, but the small motion causes his whisky and coke to spill down the front of my dress, drenching and staining the flowing white fabric. I know that it’s whisky and coke, because I can smell it on me.
Gross
.

Before I can catch a breath, chaos ensues and the guy is yanked from behind and pulled away from me.

The guy rights himself and takes a sloppy swing at Ryan, who deflects the swing and lands a right hook on the guy’s jaw, making him stumble backwards into the gathered crowd.

Nate, who’s sober since he’s the designated driver, is grabbing hold of Ryan and yelling, “He’s not worth it.”

What the hell is happening?!

Elliott appears at my side, asking if I’m okay and checking me for injuries.

“It was just a spilled drink, I’m fine. I think it’s time to go home, though.”

Just as I finish that sentence, I see Sleaze Guy come back at Ryan, who’s currently being held back by Nate. He won’t be able to defend himself with Nate holding him back, but I don’t want him to be in this fight at all.

What am I going to do?

“Stop it. Somebody stop them!” I barely recognize the screaming as my own, taken over by sudden panic.

I now realize why I’ve never been to a bar.

Just when I think Ryan’s going to get his face pummeled, two bouncers emerge from the crowd and grab each of Sleaze Guy’s arms, pulling him away and out of the bar.