Board Stiff (Xanth) (36 page)

Frank obeyed. Soon Astrid was standing in a waist-high cavity in a counter and Ease was standing in another cavity beside her, both their heads lolling.

“Now we must wake them,” Dr. M said. “Heh. the experiment is no good if they don’t know what is expected of them. Reverse the wand.”

Frank lifted the wand. It flashed red.

The members of the Quest revived. Evidently Dr. M and Frank were immune to the wand’s effect. Mitch and Tiara and Pewter sat up, looking confused. Astrid and Ease straightened out, similarly confused.

“Let’s give them time to recover,” Dr. M said to Frank. “Heh. They need to be fully alert for the finale. We’ll go fetch a bite to eat.”

“Very vell, boss,” Frank agreed.

The two of them departed the laboratory, leaving the captives alone. Was this a ruse, Kandy wondered, or were they simply quite nonchalant about their activities? The captives seemed to be securely confined.

“You’ll be sooory!” Maddy repeated, now that there was no threat of a kiss.

The recovering captives looked around. “Where are we?” Mitch asked.

“We are in the laboratory of Doctor Moribund,” Pewter said.

“You bet you are, you straggling creeps,” Maddy said.

“And who are you?” Pewter asked her.

“I am Maddy, so called because I’m absolutely mad. I hate this place, I hate Doctor Heh, I hate Frankenstein Monster, I hate all of you, and most of all I hate myself.” She paused. “But I will hate you slightly less if you pass me that board.”

“What do you want with the board?” Pewter asked.

“I want it to knock my head until my crazy brains fall out my ears and I’ll be dead. Then at last I’ll be at peace.”

“Perhaps some healing elixir would help you.”

“Grossly obese fortune! Doctor poop-for-brains already tried that on me. It didn’t work, because crazy is my fundamental nature. Nothing can give me peace except death, and that is what I shall seek the moment I get out of this cell.” She grabbed the metal bars and rattled them.

“How did you get here?” Pewter asked. “You don’t seem to be much use to Dr. Moribund.”

“So-called friends shipped me here,” Maddy said. “Since nothing else worked, they thought maybe Dr. Crazy Experiment could fix me. But he’s not into mind exchanges, just physical ones.”

“Physical exchanges?”

“Didn’t you see Frank? He’s assembled from all the left-over parts of prior experiments. An arm here, a foot there.”

“How is it you were not recruited for one of those exchanges?”

Maddy paused. “Now that I don’t know. I’m sure nothing worth salvaging.”

“I suspect he likes your legs,” Pewter said. “I saw him look at them.”

So had Kandy, now that she thought about it. While Frank was undressing the bodies, Dr. M was gazing not at them but at Maddy’s legs. That was curious.

“Well, if he ever got close to me, I’d wrap them around his head and crack it wide open. Then I’d bite off his nose and stuff it in the crack.”

“That might account for his caution,” Pewter agreed.

“Now will you pass me that board?”

“To literally beat out your brains? I think not. A member of our party is adverse to displays of that nature.”

“I certainly am,” Tiara said. “And I think the board wouldn’t like it either.”

Kandy agreed emphatically.

“Cretin! Crapface! Sadist!”

Pewter ignored her, as Dr. M and Frank had before. “We seem to be in a situation,” he said to the others.

“How can we get out of it?” Mitch demanded, pulling his eyes away from Maddy’s legs.

“It occurs to me that Dr. Moribund does not realize the nature of either Astrid or the board,” Pewter said. “Would you be able to throw it accurately?”

Mitch nodded, beginning to understand. “The good Doctor it seems is not turned on by unconscious legs, but can be quite taken with animate ones.”

“Just let him try!” Maddy said. “I’ll jam my foot down his gullet!”

But Kandy knew they were not talking about Maddy’s legs. Could it actually work?

“I believe I could stun the Doctor,” Astrid said from her pedestal. “But I’m not sure about Frank, whose head seems to be underage. We could be caught locked into our present confinement with no one to free us.”

“I am thinking of Kandy,” Pewter said, confirming Kandy’s suspicion.

“Who?” Ease asked.

“A mutual acquaintance. Don’t be concerned.”

Astrid nodded. “She does have legs.”

The Doctor and Frank returned. The show was about to begin.

“Your attention, please, subjects,” Dr. M said. “I am Doctor Moribund and this is my assistant Frankenstein Monster. Heh. You may call us M and Frank. Do you understand me?”

Astrid was fast on the uptake. “All too well,” she said. “What mischief are you up to, Dr. M?”

“Ah, you’re a saucy one! Heh. You are about to have the honor to be part of my first portion gender exchange. Do you understand?”

“No. It sounds like gibberish to me.”

Dr. M smiled. Kandy realized that he really liked having an audience beyond the dull Frank. He was surely a lonely man. “You will note that you are a healthy woman ensconced beside a healthy man. That is important, because unhealthy people might not survive the exchange well.”

“What exchange?”

“Ah, that is the sheer beauty of it. Heh. The mechanism you are in is the exchanger. When I pull the switch, what is in the left compartment will be exchanged with what is in the right compartment.”

Astrid looked down. “All that’s in this compartment is my lower half.”

“And my lower half is in mine,” Ease said.

Then both paused. “Oh, no!” Astrid said.

“It will be my finest experiment yet,” Dr. M said enthusiastically. “The top of a woman merged with the bottom of a man, and vice versa. You must both be sure to tell me in detail how you feel. I am so glad that you volunteered for this remarkable mergence.”

“There is something you don’t know,” Astrid said. “I am not human. My bottom half would kill my friend, and my top half would kill his bottom half, and we both would surely die.”

The Doctor squinted at her. “You certainly look human to me.”

“I am a transformed basilisk. If you doubt, meet my gaze.” Astrid removed her dark glasses, which had clung to her despite the loss of her clothing.

“I do doubt,” Dr. M said. “I will meet your challenge.” He stared into her face. And froze. “Oh, my!”

“Be glad that I have closed one eye,” Astrid said. “So that you are not dead. Now have Frank release us.”

But the canny Doctor fought back. He put his hands over his face, blocking off the basilisk glare. “Don’t do it, Frank! All we need to do is switch out this female for the other and the experiment can continue.”

“No!” Tiara cried.

Meanwhile, during the distraction, Mitch picked up the board and went to the bars. “Ease!” he called, hefting the board. When he had Ease’s attention, he threw it, carefully, between the bars. It sailed up and right to Ease, who caught it with one hand.

“Thanks,” Ease said. “Now if I can just bash my way out of this box.” He swung the board at the metal counter.

He had the wrong idea. Kandy sent a thought that put him to sleep. She transformed, becoming her full naked self. She tucked one arm behind Ease’s arm, sat on the counter facing the Doctor, crossed her legs, and called out to him. “Dr. Moribund!”

“Now isn’t that something!” Maddy exclaimed. “Or am I even crazier than I thought I was?”

But the Doctor’s eyes were covered. He didn’t realize there was something new to look at. Meanwhile Frank’s hand was on the switch, awaiting his master’s order.

Kandy oriented on Frank. “Frank! Look at me.”

Frank obeyed the voice of command, as he normally did. “Gee, you’re pretty!” But his gaze did not linger.

Pretty, but not pretty enough, it seemed. His head was too young to get the full impact of her nudity, even with her legs crossed in his direction.

Then Tiara called. “Kandy! Catch!” she threw a wadded up something.

Kandy caught it. It turned out to be Tiara’s wet bra and panties, which she had removed under her dress. They would not have carried across the chamber had they not been water-logged.

“Thank you!” Kandy quickly put them on. They were clammy, and tight on her, because her figure was more ample than Tiara’s. But comfort was not the point.

Now, more effectively armed, or bodied, Kandy called out again. “Frank!”

Frank looked again. Kandy recrossed her legs to flash her panties, and inhaled. If he was even close to teenagism . . .

“Vov!” Frank’s eyes were glued to her torso. “Me never see that before.”

Vov? Then she remembered his problem pronouncing W. He was saying Wow.

“Frank, release these two from the exchanger,” Kandy commanded, continuing to breathe deeply.

Frank, now dazzled by underwear, stepped forward.

“What’s going on?” Dr. M demanded, uncovering his eyes. But Astrid immediately glared at him with one eye, forcing him back.

Under Kandy’s direction, Frank unlatched side panels and freed Astrid and Ease. Then he opened the cell gates, except for Maddy’s. Astrid quickly recovered her dress, while Mitch went to dress Ease, who was still asleep. Then they gathered around Ease, and Astrid snapped her fingers.

Ease woke. “Huh? What happened?”

“It’s a complicated story,” Pewter said. “We are moving on before things complicate further.”

Frank, freed from the vision of Kandy’s underwear, and without the Doctor’s direction, stood dazed.

Kandy, as the board, lay on the floor. Ease picked it up. “What’s this on my board?”

For Tiara’s bra and panties were hanging loosely on it. She quickly went to recover them. “Must’ve gotten tangled up together when they stripped our clothing,” she said, quickly sliding them on under her dress.

Tiara squatted to remove a sequin from Astrid’s dress, while Astrid continued to hold the Doctor off. But when she tried to replace it, it would not attach. She tried several times, but it determinedly balked.

“What are you idiots doing now?” Maddy demanded from her cell.

“It won’t go,” Tiara said, perplexed.

“I’ll do it,” Pewter said. He took the sequin and tried. And failed. “This is magically resisting,” he said, surprised. “I could change its attitude, but--”

“Don’t risk it,” Astrid said. “This simply means that we are not finished here. We have not done or learned what we came to the Event to do.”

“So it seems,” Pewter agreed.

“But what could it be?” Mitch asked. “We face a dire threat, and need to escape it.”

“You morons can’t figure out your own mission,” Maddy called.

Pewter looked at her. “I wonder.”

Astrid nodded. “Once we go, Dr. M will continue messing up people. We should stop that.”

“How?” Mitch asked. “He won’t behave without someone to keep constant tabs on him.”

“What he needs is a wife,” Tiara said.

“True. But there is no one.” Then he looked at her. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“Mexine. She thinks he’s cute.”

“With Maddy’s legs, which he already likes,” Mitch agreed.

“You characters sound as if you’re plotting something truly devious,” Maddy called almost admiringly.

“We are,” Mitch agreed. “And you are part of it.”

“Me!”

Mitch walked to stand just outside her cell. “We are going to give you the chance to commit suicide, if that’s what you really want.”

“Of course that’s what I want, imbecile! I have nothing to live for.”

“Then we will put you in Dr. M’s machine, and Mexine Mermaid in the other. She has a broken tail and can’t swim well, a horror for a mermaid. She will get your legs, you will get her tail. She’ll take over Dr. M, keeping him fascinated with your legs, and Frank will give you a wagon ride to the sea, where you will be free to drown yourself if you still feel that way. Okay?”

“Okay!” she agreed in a flash.

“Dr. M,” Astrid said. “We propose to assemble a good wife for you. She will have a nice personality, a splendid bosom, and Maddy’s legs. Are you amenable?” She narrowed her gaze to a squint so that he could answer.

“A wife? No woman wants me.”

“This one might. She thinks you’re cute.”

“Maddy’s legs,” he repeated thoughtfully.

Maddy lifted a lovely bare leg toward him. “I won’t be needing them anymore. You want them, you got them.”

“I—want them,” he said. “But I don’t want you to bite my nose off.”

“Frank, take your wagon and fetch Mexine Mermaid here,” Mitch said.

“She no like me,” he protested.

“I’ll go with you,” Mitch said. “I will explain to her.”

Frank and Mitch departed with the wagon, while Astrid continued to watch the Doctor, just in case.

“Ah, death,” Maddy said. “I feel your glorious approach.”

Before long the wagon returned, bearing the mermaid. “Is this true?” she asked them. “I can have legs?”

“These legs, doll,” Maddy said, flexing them.

“But there’s a price,” Mitch reminded her. “You’ll have to marry Dr. Moribund.”

Mexine looked at the Doctor. “I could handle him, if I had legs.”

“Then let’s get on it.”

With Frank’s assistance they put the woman and the mermaid in the two compartments. Then Frank pulled the switch. Nothing happened.

“Was it all a bluff?” Astrid asked. “I was terrified.”

Frank opened the panels. There was Maddy with a malformed tail. And there was Mexine with phenomenal legs. “Oooo!” she exclaimed, loving them. Then she walked somewhat unsteadily across to the Doctor and kissed him. Little hearts flew up. “Will you marry me?”

“Oh, yes,” he breathed. “Heh.”

“But you’re not going to do any more nasty experiments.”

He hesitated. She lifted a knee, showing off a fine thigh. “Yes dear,” he agreed quickly.

It was plain that Mexine had things under control. She knew about men and women; it was land she had to get used to.

Mitch turned to Frank. “Pick Miss Maddy up and put her on the wagon,” he said. “Take her down to the sea and let her go.”

Frank just stood there, staring at Maddy.

“What’s the matter, jerk?” she asked. “Can’t stand to let me go?”

“Me—me vant to kiss you,” he said. “But me don’t know hov.”